South Park
by AcquisitiveMargo
Summary: Katherine and her mother decide to move to South Park for a new start. Well, they picked a poor town to do it in.
1. Asserting Dominance

It was another snowy, sunny day in South Park, Colorado. A little girl sat in the back seat of a car staring out the window. Her mother in the driver's seat had long red hair in a ponytail. She glanced back at her daughter in the review mirror, seeing her stare blankly. "Are you excited, sweetie?"

The girl only shrugged; staring at the people they passed by. "Not really. I could've taken the bus with the other students and get a chance to establish relationships instead of having my mom drive me like a baby and show up in the middle of a lesson and become the center of attention, which is sure to make me an outcast with the perfect opportunity for all the clicks already formed in this small town to gang up on me like the friendless loser I am."

Her mother blinked a couple times. She then smiled and glanced at her in the review mirror again saying, "But you have plenty of friends, sweetie."

Her daughter scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, dude, in like Washington."

"Well that's why I gave you that iPhone, sweetie," her mother said as they came to a stop. Her daughter peered out the window to see why; they weren't at the elementary school yet. She saw the town's **only **officer motioning them to stop and allowed the other car to go. Seriously, in the two days she's been out with her mom she only saw that one officer. He had to be lonely if he was maintaining a four way stop. Finding him uninteresting she pulled out her iPhone from her sweatshirt pocket and checked her Facebook. "You can stay in contact with your old friends so you don't feel alone until you make new friends here. I know how popularity is important to you kids."

She scrolled to the top of the page and re-read posts her friends already made. She updated her status: [Going to my first day in Shit Park.] She then rolled her eyes again at her mother's ignorance. "Dude, it won't matter to those sharks if I have friends like four states away. I'm fresh meat!"

"It's okay to be a little scared," her mother said as they started driving again. She gave a friendly wave at the officer who waved back. "But I know you'll make plenty of fast friends. You're such a nice and friendly girl; just remain confident."

She only rolled her eyes again and looked back down at her phone. Her friend Dustin's face already popped up as he commented: [I looked it up and that place is totally lame.] He still liked her post, though.

She liked his comment. Her other friend Alek liked Dustin's comment as well before he commented: [Remember, establish your authority! Take down the alpha and no one will mess with you!]

She smiled, but still rolled her eyes and shook her head. Several of her friends liked Alek's comment. She then commented back: [I need some motivation.]

Her friend Aaron then commented: [You suck.]

She immediately commented back: [Not as good as your mom, gaywad. How's that pussy Bieber wannabe haircut?]

Likes went up on Aaron's post, but more likes went up on hers. Alek then commented: [There is nothing more I can teach you. Go kick ass.]

"Here we are!" She put her phone away as they pulled up in front of the school. Her mother looked back at her as she pulled on her backpack. "Be sure to flaunt that new Terrance and Phillip lunchbox I got you so everyone can be jealous and like you."

"I think you mean jealous and kill you," she corrected and jumped out of the car.

* * *

The kids were out of their seats and talking before the official start of class. "Man, Mr. Garrison is sure taking his sweet time," Stan said as a paper airplane flew by.

"He said he had something important to go get," Kyle recalled as he gestured to the door.

Cartman pfft'd and rolled his eyes. "He's just going to change his tampon."

Just then Mr. Garrison came back into the room with Mr. Hat on his hand. "Okay, class, sit down and shut up before Mr. Hat gives you an ass kicking," he said calmly and the children quickly returned to their seats and quieted down. "All right I'm going to introduce a new student today and you all better behave yourselves."

"I hope it's a girl," Wendy spoke up from the side.

"No way, dude," Stan said and Wendy glared at him. "It's totally gonna be a guy."

"Yeah!" Cartman chimed in, "We need to assert male dominance in this class."

"AH!" Tweek twitched wildly and glanced around in paranoia. "Asserting dominance? It can't weird, man- I don't wanna!" He pulled at his wild blonde hair.

"Tweek, shut up," Mr. Garrison said simply and Tweek yelled again in fright, but contained his spasms. "You, too, Eric."

"Aw man," he grumbled and sulked as his friends glanced at him. "Stupid, gay, balding…"

"Dude," Kyle whispered over to Stan, ignoring Cartman's mumbles. "You think it's gonna be a guy?"

"I dunno," Stan shrugged. "I just hope he's cool."

Kenny then muffled through his jacket behind them, "[Well if he's not then we can just get rid of Pip and replace him with this loser new kid.]"

Pip perked up in nervousness, hearing his name. "What?"

"Hey, yeah!" The three boys said happily in agreement.

"Yay!" The class cheered.

Pip slumped in his chair and sighed. "Oh, dear…"

"Okay, new kid!" Mr. Garrison called to the door. "It's safe to enter the wolves den."

The girl with long red hair then opened the door and poked her head in, glaring at Mr. Garrison. "What the hell, man? What kind of entrance in that?"

"Yay! It's a girl!" Wendy said happily and she and Bebe high-fived.

"Aw, man, weak," Cartman grumbled.

He glared at her as she entered the room. She stood next to Garrison as she faced the whole class and raised a hand in greeting. "Sup."

The class stared back at her in silence. She wore a grey sweatshirt plainly labeled SNOWBOARD with baggy jeans held up with a seatbelt buckle belt and plain black sneakers. "So, you snowboard?" Token asked.

"Token, introduce yourself before you ask a question," Mr. Garrison said politely.

Token stared at him for a moment before asking, "Why?"

Mr. Garrison sighed and rolled his eyes. "Humor me."

"Nice to meet you, Token," the new girl cut in and Token smiled at her. She then shrugged as she replied, "I skateboard, but since this whole town in covered in an endless winter I figured I should pick up snowboarding."

"Cool," Token said and then went quiet.

There was another awkward silence. "So, is this town seriously covered in snow all the time?" She asked the class, hoping it wasn't true.

"Yep," Craig replied.

"Craig?" Mr. Garrison put his wrist on his hip and stared at him expectantly.

"Yeah?" Craig stared at him and refused to humor him. He then flipped him off.

Mr. Garrison sighed and shook his head. The new girl glanced up at the teacher and then stared at Craig. "Craig, whatever, got it." Craig stared at her for a moment before flipping her off. She flipped him off right back.

Cartman then cleared his throat to gain attention and Garrison pinched the bridge of his nose. "Good lord."

"So, new girl," he addressed her and she raised an eyebrow at him. "It's occurred to me that you do male things." She blinked at him. "So, you must be a _lesbian_."

The class then perked up and stared at her with jaws dropped. She looked around at their open mouths before replying, "Um, snowboarding isn't an exclusive 'male' thing."

"Amen!" Wendy shouted from the side.

She gave her an odd look before continuing, "And I'm not a lesbian, and I don't see how-"

"Lesbians go to hell, God said so," he interrupted and the class murmured in agreement. Cartman smiled evilly to himself; he was already making the new kids life hell.

"Eric, watch yourself," Mr. Garrison warned as the new girl glared at him.

"I see, you're just a gaybashing fuckwad from this shithole redneck town," She snapped and the class gasped.

Mr. Garrison smiled down at her. He liked the new kid already. He then put his hand up to try and calm her and said, "Now, now…"

She ignored him and continued, "And it's occurred to me that you're a fatass, so that means you must stuff yourself with fatty foods to make yourself feel better because your life is a piece of shit. I'd bet five dollars that you don't even have a male role model in your life." Mr. Garrison leaned down and whispered in her ear. "And your mom is on the front of Crack Whore magazine! And you act like a total douche because you have absolutely no redeeming qualities about yourself!"

Everyone stared at her in shock. Cartman was not only shocked, but absolutely furious as his fat little body trembled in rage. "Whoa, dude!" Stan exclaimed.

Kyle suddenly vomited on his desk. He then wiped his mouth and looked over at Stan. "Dude, I'm in love!"

"_I AM NOT FAT!_" Cartman screeched almost incoherently. "_I'M JUST BIG BONED!_"

"Haha!" She pointed at him with a smug smile. "You don't even deny your mom's a crack whore!"

Cartman screeched and lunged out of his desk. He didn't jump very far, but ran up to her the rest of the way. She only stood there until he was close enough and then punched him in the face. He froze, processing what just happened, and then started wailing like a banshee. She frowned and glared at him as she covered his ears. "Eric, go to the nurses office," Mr. Garrison instructed passively, plugging his one ear as well. Cartman continued to wail and he snapped at Clyde, "Clyde, please escort Eric to the goddamn nurses office."

"Man, why do I have to," he grumbled as he got out of his desk. He then grabbed Cartman's arm and dragged him out of the room.

"T-t-t-t-t-that was hardc-c-c-c-c-core," Jimmy stuttered in the back.

The class was silent and she looked around to see them all stare at her. Did she do it? Did she beat the alpha? "Dude," Kyle spoke up and she looked at him. "Who _are _you?"

"Oh, my name's Katherine Schumer. But my friends all call me Kat," she replied.

"Kat," Kyle repeated to himself with a smile.

Stan eyed his best friend strangely. "Kyle?"

"Okay, Katherine," Mr. Garrison said, "You can go sit between Wendy and Bebe."

"TIMMAY!" Timmy shouted from the side.

"No, Timmy, Bebe and Wendy," Mr. Garrison corrected as Kat went to the desk between the girls. "Now I should explain now so I don't in trouble later that hitting is not allowed. But I can't blame you because it was in self-defense." Kat only shrugged, not caring. "Right. Now today we're going to learn about politics and which party is right and which party is gay and if you or anyone you know is a part of it they're going to hell."

Kat's eyes widened as she stared at Garrison. What the hell was he talking about? "Hi there," Wendy greeted with a wave. "My name is Wendy."

"And I'm Bebe," Bebe said with her own wave.

Kat smiled at them. "I'm Kat."

"Would you like to sit with us during lunch?" Wendy asked.

Kat shrugged. "Sure." Things seemed to be going well so far.

"Now Democracy is good and it starts with 'D'. What else starts with 'D'?" Garrison stared at the class as they all dumbly stared back.

Token glanced around and then bravely raised his hand. "Democrats?"

"Shocking that you would answer with that, Token," Mr. Hat said sarcastically. Token furrowed his brows up and looked around at all the white kids staring at him. Kat sat a little lower in her seat as she slowly began to realize how messed up this place actually was.

* * *

Kat roamed the hall filled with kids as she went to her locker. She opened it up and rummaged in her backpack for her new lunchbox. Stan and Kyle walked together up to her as Stan asked, "Dude, do you actually like the new girl?"

"I dunno, dude," Kyle replied a little annoyed. "She kicked Cartman's ass so I find her to be pretty awesome is all."

They approached her as she turned around, seeing Terrance and Phillip on the lunchbox. "Wow, do you like Terrance and Phillip?" Stan asked.

Kat blinked at their smiles and then glanced at her lunchbox. "Well, duh," she replied and their smiles fell. "They're the latest sensation for kids our age. Who doesn't like them?"

They boys glanced at each other. "Fair point," Stan agreed.

"Hey, Kat," Kyle said. "We were wondering if you would like to have lunch with us?"

Kat smiled at them. She really did gain some ground from beating the fat kid. "Sorry, but I already agreed to eat with the girls. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Yeah, okay," Stan shrugged.

"Great!" Kyle replied happily and she walked away. Kenny walked up to them and they greeted, "Hey, Kenny."

"[Hey, guys,]" he replied and then chuckled. "[You should see Cartman, he's all bandaged up and crying like a pussy still.]"

He laughed and they laughed with him. "Serves him right for being a dick," Kyle said.

"What did you say, Kyle?" Cartman asked threateningly as he approached them. They stared at him, seeing he had a BandAid on his cheek where Kat punched him and an unnecessary bandage wrap on his head.

"Whoa, dude!" Stan exclaimed, seeing him covered in dirt and his clothes messy as if he was in a brawl. "That chick really messed you up!"

"She's not a girl, you guys!" Cartman shouted as they began walking together to the cafeteria. "She's only a boy in disguise!"

"Oh brother," Kyle rolled his eyes.

"Seriously, you guys!" Cartman insisted. "It makes sense! That's the only way she was able to beat me!"

"It's just because you're a wuss, fatass," Kyle said as he glared back at him.

"EY!" Cartman shouted.

As they entered the cafeteria Kenny pointed at the girl at sitting at a table full of girls. "[If she's a guy then she's getting more action than you, Fatass.]"

Cartman glared at him. "Shut up, Kenny." Kenny only held his stomach and laughed.

"Kenny has a point, dude," Stan said as they headed for the lunch line. "She's hanging out with the girls; she can't be a guy."

Chef looked up as his four favorite kids came in. "Hey there, kids!" He greeted lifting up his spatula.

"Hey, chef," they all replied.

"Oh my God, Eric!" Chef exclaimed as he saw the angry banged up kid. "What happened to you?"

"The new girl kicked his ass!" Kyle replied happily.

"New girl?" Chef questioned.

"Her name is Katherine Schumer," Stan explained. "Cartman tried to rip on her, but she ripped him harder and then punched him in the face in self-defense."

"[Cartman went to the nurse's room crying like a chick,]" Kenny added and the boys laughed.

"EY!" Cartman shouted, shaking his fists.

"Oh, I see," Chef said in understanding. "A tough cookie, huh?"

"Huh?" The boys repeated in confusion.

"Boys, lemme sing you a song about headstrong women." The boys blinked as Chef closed his eyes and music started up. "_Uh, baby… Mm, yeah… Oh, baby… B-baby? Aw baby, really now? But, baby… O-Okay baby that's fine… Nah, baby, nah it's cool… Well, do you or don't you, baby? Naw, baby, I'm not mad… Okay, baby, okay, whatever you say baby…" _The boys glanced at each other as the song ended. "Well, kids? Learn anything?"

"Um…" Kyle and Stan glanced at each other. "Always be wary of headstrong women?"

"Exactly," Chef nodded.

The boys exited the lunch line with trays of food and Cartman still grumbling. "I wish chef would sing a song about how to kick a man-chicks ass."

"She's not a man-chick, fatass!" Kyle shouted in her defense as they sat at their usual table.

Hearing the shout, the girls paused their talking and glanced over at them. "Ignore the boys," Wendy said and got everyone's attention.

"So, new girl," Heidi said and Kat blinked at the girl with bland hair and a green jacket. "You've gotten popular since you beat up Cartman, but don't think you're hot shit just yet." Kat went wide eyed at her pleasant smile.

"Yeah," Red glared at her and Kat furrowed her brows up at the other red head. "Being a red head is my signature thing, so don't think you can move in on my turf."

Kat glanced around worried and asked, "Um… Do you guys like me or don't like me?"

"We love you!" They all said together with smiles. That didn't make her feel better, though, and she hunkered down a little in her seat.

"Since you're a girl, we all are going to be your friend on Facebook," Wendy said and they then all took out their iPhones. Kat's iPhone started going off and she took it out, seeing she got about twenty friends that were all females. She noticed she got friends named Amanda Rodriguez and Lizzy, but looking around she saw that half the girls that friended her weren't even at the table. "We have a whole network," Wendy explained as is she knew what she was thinking. That made Kat even more worried and suddenly she felt surrounded by dangerous people. It was obvious Wendy was the leader, so she made sure to remain quiet and respectful. "Now, Kat, we have some rules," Wendy began and Kat nodded obediently. "First off no boys are allowed to know were the girls' meeting place is, which is in the girls restroom at the park. If you go there, the question is Sparkles and the password is Sunshine."

Everyone stared at her and she said, "Uh… Sunshine, got it." Man her friends back in Marysville would rip on her so hard for this.

"Our most important rule is not to be a two-faced, backstabbing bitch," Wendy continued and everyone spoke in agreement. "Also, Stan is my boyfriend."

Kat furrowed her brows up. "Um… And what does that mean for me?"

"Just don't mess with her," Bebe replied.

"Huh?" Kat was confused and unsure.

Wendy smiled at her and repeated, "Don't mess with Wendy Testaburger."

Kat sunk lower in her seat. "Yes, ma'am…" She glanced back at the boys and saw them laughing and talking. Things seemed a lot more light hearted, even with the fat boy there.

"Also, boys are gross," The blond girl Annie added and everyone agreed. Kat could agree, but she also thought everyone was a little gross.

"Alright, time to eat!" Wendy declared and the girls began eating. Kat glanced around before opening her lunchbox. As she began eating the sandwich her mother made Wendy asked, "So what brings you to South Park? Where are you from?"

"I'm from Marysville, Washington," Kat replied. "My mom and dad got divorced because my dad's an alcoholic and starting thinking he was the Lamb of God and the messenger for the Archangel Michael after getting addicted to pain killers."

Everyone went quiet for a moment until Red spoke up, "That sucks."

"Eh," Kat shrugged. The others shrugged as well and they continued eating.

* * *

After school was out Kat was able to take the bus back home with the other students. As she climbed on the bus the bus driver suddenly screamed at her, "_HOLD ON!_" Kat jumped about a foot in the air and screamed in fright. She breathed hard and stared at the ugly old woman wide eyed. The woman asked, "Who are you?" In a much calmer scratchy voice.

"Jesus Christ, I'm Katherine Schumer," Kat replied still wide eyed. "Who the hell are you, lady?"

"I'm Miss Crabtree," Ms. Crabtree replied and Kat was able to calm down. "_NOW SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!_"

"Ahhhh!" Kat screamed in fright and ran down the bus away from her.

"_I SAID __**SHUT UP **__AND __**SIT DOWN!**_" Ms. Crabtree shouted after her and Kat dove into a seat to get away.

She landed in a seat next to a blond boy wearing a light blue shirt. He jumped slightly as she dove in and said, "O-Oh, hello, there, um, new girl…" He tapped his hands nervously.

"Um, hi," Kat replied awkwardly as she sat next to him. "Is it okay if I sit here?"

"O-oh, yes of course!" He replied and smiled at her.

"My name is Katherine Schumer," Kat introduced herself with a friendly smile. "What's your name?"

"My name?" He questioned in surprise. "Oh, well, my name is Butters Stotch."

"Nice to meet you, Butters," Kat said and Butters smiled more. No one's really said that to him before. "So, does Crabtree shriek like that a lot?"

"Yeah, but you don't jump as much over time," he replied and Kat sighed suddenly feeling tired. "So, do you wanna be friends?"

"Yeah, sure," Kat shrugged and they took out their iPhones. Once they were friends she then asked him, "So, where do you live?"

"Um, actually, I believe I live next door to you," Butters replied happily. "We can, uh, play games after I finish all my chores. The guys are all starting up a new game, I'll see if you can join!"

"That would be great!" Kat said enthusiastically. "I don't really wanna be stuck with the girls. These small town chicks kinda intimidate me."

"Oh, I know what you mean," Butters said.

Unbeknownst to them, Kyle, who was sitting with his friend Stan, was staring unhappily as Butters began telling Kat a story. "She actually looks interested in what he's saying," he said in absurdity, gesturing to them.

"Well, he's the only one that's hung out with her besides the girls," Stan tried to reason, but Kyle only crossed his arms and pouted. "She's just new, dude, can you really blame her?"

"Well, no," Kyle relented and furrowed his brows up.

"She can try to hang out with us sometime," Stan said and that made Kyle smile. "I mean, Cartman's going to be a butthole about it, but she can try."

"Damn Cartman," Kyle threw his fists down in frustration. "He's going to be a total dick and chase her off."

"Especially since you like her, dude," Stan added and Kyle hung his head and sighed. "He's totally going to rip on the both of you hard."

The bus came to a stop and Kat hurriedly got off with Butters at their houses. "Cartman's seriously saying that I'm a dude?" Kat questioned with a raised eyebrow. It didn't bother her, but it would bother her if people were stupid enough to believe it.

"I wouldn't worry about him too much," Butters said as they walked on the sidewalk, the bus driving by them.

"Yeah, right," Kat rolled her eyes as she branched off towards her house. "Later, Butters."

"Uh- See you tomorrow, Kat!" Butters waved goodbye happily and continued on as she shut her front door behind her.

A small orange kitten followed her as she walked over to the couch. "Mom, I'm home," She called as she jumped up on the couch. She took off her backpack and the kitten followed her up on the couch, snuggling next to her a she took out her binder and text book to start homework.

"Honey," her mother said disappointed as she entered the room from the kitchen.

"Oh, Christ on a stick," Kat mumbled under her breath as she rolled her eyes. "What did I do wrong the first day of school?" She asked, setting her book aside and bringing the kitten in her lap.

"Is it true that you hit a boy today?" Her mother asked as she sat down next to her.

Kat frowned up at her and replied, "Well, yes, but if I didn't hit him first to stop him then he would've hit me!"

"Right, right," her mother nodded and motioned her to calm down. "I know, Kat, your teacher told me the rest of the story. Still, I contacted Eric's mother and tonight we're going over to their house for dinner and a proper apology."

Kat sighed heavily. "All right, mom."

"Now I need to go freshen up before we go," her mother said and then went upstairs.

"Goddammit," Kat grumbled and faced her kitten to her. The kitten only meowed and tilted its head. "Eric Cartman is a gaybashing redneck fuck that attacked me first, I just asserted my dominance." The kitten meowed again in response. "My mom must not have any friends yet so I guess this is her way to fit in the new town." The kitten meowed again. "Cartman's a real fatass, and he's trying to start a rumor that I'm a boy." The kitten then said several meows. Kat laughed, "Yeah, his mom better be a good cook. Let's see…" Kat looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully, tapping her chin with her finger. "Cartman… Fatman... Fagman… Hmm…"

"Okay, honey," Kat's kitten jumped out of Kat's lap as her mother came back down the stairs. "Let's head over to Ms. Cartman's house."

"Yeah, okay," Kat sighed as she followed her mom.

* * *

"Sweetie," Eric's mother entered the living room, seeing her son eating cheesy poofs on the couch watching television. "Put your snacks away, dinner is almost ready."

"Aw, Jesus," Cartman tossed his box of snacks aside. "Mom, do we really have to have dinner with them?"

"Yes, poopsiekins," his mother replied with a stern look. "Ms. Schumer feels very bad for what happened today and I want you to be on your best behavior when they show up." There was a knock. "Here they are," she went over to answer the door and Cartman scoffed and rolled his eyes, hating this idea.

Ms. Cartmen opened the door and let in Kat and her mother. "Oh, Ms. Schumer, please make yourself at home."

"Thank you, Ms. Cartman," Kat's mother said as they entered the home. Cartman glared at Kat and she only stared back.

"Dinner is ready in the kitchen," Ms. Cartman said as she led Ms. Schumer there. "We'll bring plates out for you children while the mommies talk in the other room. Now play nice, okay?"

"Yes, mom," Cartman said sweetly and Kat glared at him. The parents left the room and Cartman glared back at her. "Hey, Pussy."

"Hey, Fatman," Kat retorted. She jumped up on the couch with him, forcing him to move over as to not be too close to her. "Whatcha watching?"

"Terrance and Phillip," Cartman replied, staring at the television unhappily.

"Cool," she replied and watched with him in silence. Ms. Cartman came back out for a brief moment to give them the plates of food and returned to the kitchen. Kat watched as Cartman ripped into his food automatically with brows furrowed up, leaning away from him. She then looked down at her food, seeing it was filled with mashed potatoes and gravy with turkey and ham and buttered rolls and a slice of pie, though Cartman had about three. She looked over at him again and said, "Cartman?"

"Yeah, what?" He questioned unhappily, glaring at her suspiciously.

"I do want to apologize to you," she gestured from her to him, making his eyebrows go up, surprising him enough to pause eating. "You see, I didn't want to hit you, I was just asserting my dominance." Cartman's jaw dropped at the irony. "I mean, I'll be honest with you," she took a bite of the turkey leg and said, "If my mom cooked like this I'd be a fatass too."

She then continued eating dinner as she watched television. Cartman thought for a moment. Was she apologizing and being nice, or was she insulting him? Finally he decided to say, "Damn right you would be."

That made Kat pfft and laugh. "You just admitted you're fat," she said pointing at him.

"EY! No I didn't!" Cartman shouted at her.

"Yeah huh," she smiled and continued eating.

"Yeah, well, you're still just a pussy guy," Cartman retorted and Kat rolled her eyes.

She frowned at him and said, "You know, insulting someone only works if you piss them off, Fagman."

"Oh, fuck off, stupid ho," Cartman grumbled and continued eating his dinner. Kat smiled at him, watching him eat. She then made a pig sound and Cartman shouted, "EY!" Kat only laughed and continued eating her dinner.

After Terrance and Phillip was over, Ms. Cartman came back out with Ms. Schumer. "I'll be sure to call you next time the parents get together," Ms. Cartman said.

"Oh, thank you, Ms. Cartman," Ms. Schumer said as she snagged her daughter, quickly making her way to the door. "I'm sure I'll see you- um- at the store or something! Goodnight!"

"Have a goodnight!" Ms. Cartman called and Ms. Schumer slammed the door behind her on the way out. "Well, they seemed like very nice people."

"Mom, let's not have people over anymore," Cartman said, handing her his plate.

* * *

Ms. Schumer tossed her daughter in the car and quickly drove off. Kat blinked at her mother, seeing her eyes wide in the rearview mirror. "Mom? What happened? Did you not like Ms. Cartman?"

"Huh?" Her mother jumped and glanced back at her. "Oh- no, she was… Very sweet and a nice woman…"

Kat tilted her head as she stared at her mom's distant look of shock and horror. She then asked quietly, "Did you find out his mom is a crack whore?"

"A very talented one," her mother murmured back. "I-I-I'm sure this is a nice quiet town, I just need to get out more and meet more people, as do you, sweetie."

Kat furrowed her brows up. "Um, yeah…" She supposed the town was normal enough so far.


	2. Rainforest Shmainforest

Kat woke up the next morning to see her kitten snuggled up next to her. She sat up in bed and looked down at it. "Morning, Leonidas." Leonidas hissed at her to be quiet and then curled back up in a ball to sleep. Kat rolled her eyes and jumped out of bed to look out the window. "Damn, still here," she grumbled as she saw the town covered in snow.

"Honey," Kat turned around hearing the knock on the door. Her mother's voice muffled through it, "Are you up?"

"Yeah, I'm getting ready," Kat replied as she went over to her computer. She jumped on and got onto her Facebook. She updated her status: [The result of my first day is my teacher is gay and forced his opinions on children, the chicks here are crazy, I kicked a fatass' ass, and I met his crack whore mom. I can't face a second day.]

She waited for a moment and all of her friends liked her post. Alek commented: [You could always run away.]

She was about to comment, but her jaw dropped when Butters' face popped up as he commented: [Aw shucks, you don't gotta do that, Kat! Everyone's swell here in their own way. :)]

Suddenly her post exploded. Aaron commented: [Who the hell is this faggot? Dislike.]

Dustin commented: [Dude, are THESE the kind of friends you're making!? What's wrong with you!?]

Jordan commented: [We gotta get her out of there!]

Blake commented: [Hell no, she's a lost cause. It's too late for her!]

Butters commented again: [Shucks, fellas, I'm not that bad, and neither is South Park! Golly, well I'd wager that if you came to visit our town you'd like it, too :)]

Kat buried her face in her hands. "Goddammit, Butters!" She looked up as her friend Alek commented: [What the hell is going on here, Kat.]

Kat quickly commented: [Dudes, I had no idea! I spoke with him on the bus- he wasn't like this!]

Butters commented: [Gee, like what, Kat?]

"Dammit, Butters!" Kat slammed her fists down on her desk, making her kitten jump. "What the hell have I done!?" She then commented: [Butters, get to school!]

Butters commented: [Oh, okay, I'll go now.] All her friends liked his comment.

Kat sighed heavily and decided to get off as well. "Man, I'll just face my friends later," she said to herself as she changed from her pajamas to her regular clothes. "Jesus, that was awful. Hopefully today is going to be normal."

* * *

Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Cartman were out by the bus stop sign waiting for the bus to show up when Kat walked up to them. Kyle looked over and smiled, "Hey, Kat!"

"Hey, Kyle," she greeted with a wave. "Hey, Stan."

"Hey," he replied with his own wave, not caring nearly as much as Kyle.

Cartman crossed his arms and glared at her grumpily as Kenny walked up to her. "[Hey, Kat, my name is Kenny.]"

"Nice to meet you, Kenny," Kat said politely with a nod.

"[Kat, do you know what 'cunnilingus' is?]" Kenny asked.

Kyle and Stan stared at Kenny strangely as Kat's brows furrowed up. "'Cunniligus'? Uh…" She shrugged. "I'm afraid I don't know."

"[I can show you at school today in the bathroom,]" he said and Kat only became confused as his friends got suspicious. "[Or you can come back to my place tonight.]"

Kat became worried and backed away a little as Kyle got furious. "Um, no thanks, dude."

"[Oh come on, it's great! It'll make you orgasm.]" Kenny insisted and Kat's eyes widened. She wasn't sure what an orgasm was, but she didn't want to know.

Cartman suddenly started laughing and pointing at them, making the two of them glare at him. "Oh, man, Kenny is so gay! Look guys, he's hitting on the she-male!"

"Oh, Christ," Kat sighed as she rolled her eyes. "Really, Cartman, this again?"

"Kat isn't a guy, Cartman," Kyle defended glaring at him.

"[Yeah, dude, she's hot!]" Kenny said and tried to reach for her, but she smacked his hand away.

"No, Kenny," Kat scolded, waving her finger at him. "Bad, Kenny."

"[Come on, baby!]" Kenny reached for her again and again she smacked his hand away.

"Dammit, Kenny, leave her alone," Stan finally said and Cartman laughed again.

"Kenny's addicted to man-titties, you guys!" He continued to try and insult her and she only rolled her eyes.

"Shut up, Fatman," Kat snapped at him.

"Ey!" Cartman glared at her, humor gone. "At least I'm not a she-male named after pussy!"

"Her birth name is Katherine, dumbass," Kyle retorted. "It's cognate of the Greek Aikaterinē, the root of which is katharos which means pure and or unsullied." Cartman raised an eyebrow confused as Stan and Kenny shrugged at each other. Kat tilted her head at Kyle as he continued, "The theory is that the name comes from Hecate, the name of the Greek goddess of magic."

Cartman stared at him for a moment before retorting, "Gay."

"Damn, dude," Kat commented, gaining their attention. "I didn't even know all that."

"I-I didn't look it up if that's what you're thinking," Kyle quickly replied and Kat only raised an eyebrow at him.

The bus then showed up and they all climbed in and Kyle sat beside Stan, putting his face in his hands. "Dude, you basically gave Cartman free reign to rip on you," Stan said and Kyle sighed heavily.

Kat jumped into the seat next to Cartman, making him shout in disgust. "Ugh, gross, dude!"

Kat frowned at him with a glare. "Dude, what is it now?"

"I don't want you sitting next to me!" Cartman shouted at her. "I don't want your she-male disease!"

Kat only raised an eyebrow. "She-male disease?"

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "It's a disease you get from she-males," he explained as if it was obvious. "If you're a dude, your penis turns inside out into a vagina, and if you're a chick then a penis grows out of your vagina, like a flower."

Kat stared at him for a long moment. Did he believe that, or was he just making it up to make her an outcast? She hoped he wasn't as big of a dumbass as his fatassness. "Well I'm not sitting next to Kenny, he's creepy."

"Well I'm sure as hell not growing a vagina!" Cartman shouted at her and then tried to press against the window away from her. Kat smiled and chuckled, reaching out to poke him, forcing him to cower away. She was amused the whole bus ride to school.

* * *

"Okay, class, sit down and try to pay attention," Mr. Garrison said as the students sat at their desks. He turned to the chalk board and wrote out some math problems. "We're going to start the day with a little math." The class groaned and Mr. Garrison mocked them. "Oh, boo-hoo." There was a sparkle in the corner of Kat's eye. As Mr. Garrison turned back around she glanced over and saw the translucent shape of an alien that was staring at her with big eyes. She jumped and yelped in fright, causing the class to look at her strangely. "Sweet tap dancing Christ," Mr. Garrison sighed under his breath. He turned back around and put his wrist on his hip, seeing Kat staring wide eyed in fear at the corner of the room. "Katherine, do you need to go to the principal's office?"

"Huh?" She jumped and blinked rapidly, focusing on Garrison. "Uhh," she looked back over at the corner, but the alien disappeared. "… No?"

"Good enough," Mr. Garrison turned back around as someone knocked on the door. Confused he looked over and said, "Um, come in?" The students stared as several other smiling kids wearing yellow shirts entered the room. "Oh, right, you guys," he said unenthusiastically. A woman wearing the same shirt entered the room as he explained to the class, "Okay, children, we have a special guest today: Ms. Stevens the choir teacher is recruiting children for a national choir tour. Now I know that choir is totally stupid and lame, but please give her your full attention." Kat stifled a giggle as Ms. Stevens' face fell, staring at Mr. Garrison. "Go ahead," he waved at the woman encouraging her to speak.

"Uh… Thank you, Mr. Garrison." She then smiled at the kids and asked, "Hi, kids! How are we all doing today?" The class stared at her straight face refusing to answer. "I can't hear you! I said: how are we all doing?"

Cartman farted and Mr. Garrison shouted, "Eric Cartman, you say 'excuse me'!"

"Okay," Cartman replied.

"Go ahead," Mr. Garrison told Ms. Stevens who stared at him.

She brought her smile back as she faced the children again. "Children, we're a national choir called Getting Gay With Kids! We're going to do a big tour down in Central America to help save the rainforest and you can be a part of it!" She said enthusiastically, showing them the rainbow poster for their tour.

"[That sounds fucking stupid,]" Kenny muffled through his jacket and his friends laughed.

"Kenny McCormik!" Mr. Garrison shouted at him. "You speak when spoken to!" Kenny merely stared at him.

Kat raised her hand and Ms. Stevens pointed at her, "What's your name?"

"Kat," she replied, putting her hand down.

"Nice to meet you, Kat. Are you volunteering?"

"Yes."

"What!?" Kyle gawked at her in shock as Cartman outright laughed.

"Look you guys! The she-male is trying to be feminine!" Cartman pointed at her as she hopped out of her desk and joined the kids at the front. "Look! Look! Kat the boy is such a pussy, you guys!"

Kat accepted the shirt she was given and put it on over her sweatshirt. She only smirked at him smugly, making his laughter die down in confusion. There was an awkward silence until Stan commented, "Kat, dude, that's weak."

Ms. Stevens continued to speak, "We take kids from all over the country and put them in a choir to sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforests."

One boy from the choir walked forward. "Did you know over one hundred acres of our rainforest are being bulldozed every year?"

"That's right," a blonde girl walked forward to join him. "And thirty percent of the world's oxygen is made in the rainforest." Kenny stared at the girl with a passionate gaze as she smiled back, sticking her finger in her nose.

"So who else wants to join the fun?" Ms. Stevens asked enthusiastically, putting a hand on Kat's shoulder. Kat looked down at her shoulder and wiped off the hand, making Ms. Stevens frown and awkwardly step away.

Cartman then blurted out a question. "What if you don't have any rhythm?"

"Excuse me?" Ms. Stevens questioned.

"Like my friend Kyle," Cartman gestured to him. "He's Jewish so he doesn't have any rhythm."

"Shut up, Fatass!" Kyle shouted angrily.

Stan then threw in, "Choirs suck."

Mr. Garrison pointed at them as he shouted enraged, "KYLE BROFLOWSKI YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE- ERIC CARTMAN YOU BE NICE TO PEOPLE- STAN MARSH YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS- KENNY MCCORMIK YOU PAY ATTENTION!" Kat stared up at him wide eyed as he panted. Ms. Stevens stared at him silently as he told her, "Go ahead."

"Well, uh, that's all really," she replied with a shrug. "So if anyone is interested in seeing the Rainforest and joining our choir I'll leave information packets up front."

"Oh, that's good," Cartman said. "We need some more toilet paper."

Kyle and Stan laughed as Mr. Garrison shouted, "All right, that does it!" He went over to his desk and scribbled on a piece of paper. "You boys are going to the counselor's office!"

"Yeah, we know," Stan replied as they all hopped out of their desks.

* * *

Kat waited at the bus with a backpack full of things her mother packed for the trip. She was surprised to see Kyle walk up to the bus with, who she would assume was his mother. "Be safe, Kyle," she said as she handed him a backpack. "Bring me back something from the rainforest!"

"Oh, no no no," Ms. Stevens wagged her finger as she approached. "The rainforest is very fragile. We must take only pictures and leave only footprints."

"Oh, I didn't realize," Mrs. Broflowski said and Kat approached Kyle.

"Hey, Kat," he said glumly.

"Hey, Kyle," she replied. "Why are you here?"

"Mr. Macky punished us for making fun of the Getting Gay With Kids choir by putting us on this field trip," he replied as Cartman showed up.

"Aw man this is gonna suck donkey balls," he said as he walked up to the bus.

Kat pointed and laughed at him as he got up on the bus. "Serves Cartman right for being an ass."

"Please don't make me go on a choir tour, mom, please!" Stan's voice pleaded and Kyle and Kat looked over to see his mother drag him to the bus.

"Now, Stan, you should be excited: I would love to see the rainforest!" Mrs. Marsh replied. "Besides, your dad and I need some time alone."

Stan cried out, "Nooo!" as she tossed him up into the bus along with his backpack.

Kyle and Kat walked up onto the crowded bus and joined him in a seat of three across from Cartman and Kenny in their own seat. "You okay, Stan?" Kat asked as she sat beside him.

"Of course not, dude!" Stan shouted back. "This tour is totally stupid!"

"Yeah," Kyle agreed. "Why did you volunteer to come, Kat?"

"Cause he-she is stupid," Cartman replied for her.

She rolled her eyes. "You guys really don't get it do you. When we go on field trips like this then we can skip doing chores and homework." They stared at her surprised as she continued, "That's why I always go on these things. The food can suck sometimes, but it beats having to clean the litter box or doing math."

"[Damn, you guys,]" Kenny muffled. "[She's a genius!]"

"Not really," she said. "My friends back at home do this, too. As does everyone else I know and don't know. It's a common thing."

"Okay children!" Ms. Stevens clapped to gain everyone's attention. "That's all of us. Now we're ready to visit the Latin America country Costa Rica! A country full will virgin rainforest."

"Woopie," Cartman replied sarcastically.

"And you must be Eric Cartman," she said as she pointed at him. "I've heard about you. You don't respect nature or other cultures."

"Yeah, pretty much," he replied as Kenny snuck out of his seat.

"Well I'm going to change the way you think, Kiddo," she promised.

"Not without a food bribe," Stan whispered and the three of them giggled as Kenny slid into the blonde girl Kelly's seat.

"Now we've got a long trip ahead of us," Ms. Stevens said. "So let's take this opportunity to learn our choreography!"

"And the nightmare begins," Cartman whispered ominously.

* * *

Several long tiring hours later, they made it to the cramped third world city. "Oh, look, kids!" Ms. Stevens said happily as the children squished up to each other to see out the windows. "It looks like we've arrived in San Jose, the capital of Costa Rica. Oh, this is so exciting!"

As they stared out the windows they would see makeshift homes and barrels used as fire pits. "Dude, look how gross and crappy everything is!" Cartman exclaimed.

"Eric Catrman," Ms. Stevens called out in warning. "Costa Rica is a Third World Country. These people are much poorer than in the U.S.."

"Well why don't they get jobs?" He questioned. He then opened the window and shouted at the people staring at them, "_EY! _All of you quit slacking off and get a job! Go to college! What's wrong with you!?"

Kat covered her mouth to stifle her giggle at Cartman antics. Kyle turned to her as the teacher scolded him and asked, "Do you find him funny?"

"I find his stupidity funny, yes," she replied.

"Guys!" Cartman called out. "Look at the Costa Rican prostitutes, you guys!"

The children gathered at the windows again and Kat tilted her head at the three women standing on the street corner. "If this is a third world country then they must be pretty cheap."

"Cheap prostitutes usually aren't clean," Kyle said. "If they stop being prostitutes then they can stop spreading diseases and getting everyone sick. That way not everyone around here needs to go to a hospital they can't afford."

"Eh," Kat shrugged, not really caring. "They might have a place in the economy."

Ignoring their pointless chat, Stan perked up and looked over their heads at the bus driver. "Does anyone else notice we stopped to stare at prostitutes?"

Eventually they moved on and arrived at the Centro Nacional de Costa Rica building. As they filed off the bus Ms. Stevens explained, "Kids, this is the Costa Rica national building. This is where all the leaders of the Costa Rican national government gather to make-"

"Ugh, god, it smells like ass out here," Cartman said as he plugged his nose.

"All right, that's it!" She knelt to him and held him by the shoulders. "Eric Cartman you respect other cultures this instant!"

"I wasn't saying anything about their culture," he replied, still plugging his nose. "I was just saying this city smells like ass."

"Well, he's not wrong," Kat said as she looked around, ignoring the teacher scolding him.

"This place is boring," Stan complained.

Kat looked at him and said, "Well, would you rather be bored or doing chores."

"Good point," he agreed.

"But still," Kyle added.

She shrugged. "Yeah, I know. It is."

They then followed the teacher inside so she could speak to the president. As they gathered around her, they stared up at her as she said to the man at his desk, "Well it was a long trip, but the children are here and we're all ready and excited to sing!"

The president stared at her for a moment. "Que?"

"Umm…" She tilted her head and repeated herself slower, causing Kat to smack herself on the forehead. "Dude, this chick's dumb," she whispered.

Ms. Stevens eventually gave up and turned to the kids. "Children, do any of you speak Spanish?" Cartman raised his hand and she snapped threateningly, "Don't you dare."

Mr. Macky then came in, apologizing for being late. Kat stared up at the back of his ginormous head while he translated to the president. "Who's that?"

"That's Mr. Macky," Kyle replied.

"He's the reason we're here," Stan added as he crossed his arms.

Kat turned to Kyle for an explanation and he said, "Mr. Macky is the school's counselor."

Cartman side stepped his way over to add in to the conversation, "He recently added new gingers to his Hall Monitor squad."

Kat frowned, not liking the Hall Monitors at all. "Man, that's weak."

"Okay, kids!" Ms. Stevens turned back around and clasped her hands together. "Let's change and go outside!"

The children changed into their black pants and yellow shirts with white gloves, forming up in two rows of pairs just outside the national building. Kat stood in front with Kyle smiling behind her, staring at the few dirty Costa Ricans that stared back at them confused. In practice for the concert the next day, the teacher lifted up the radio and hit play. The boys slid out and clapped. "_There's a place that is magical, and full of rain!" _The girls slid out and clapped again. "_But now it needs help because it is in pain."_

Kat eyed Kyle as they continued in sync, watching him stumble and do the wrong moves. "Hey," she whispered to him. "Did you forget the moves?"

"What?" He whispered back, watching the kids twirl around. He quickly did the same a few seconds behind. "Of course not!"

Kat shrugged and continued with the song and dance routine, but Kyle was still screwing up. At the end of it all the audience only shrugged and walked away. "Great job, gang," Ms. Stevens said politely. "You were really… all over the place, Kyle."

"Thanks," he relied with a shrug.

Kat furrowed her brows up at him. "Dude, that's not exactly a compliment."

He looked back at her confused and Cartman spoke up, "See, I told you Jewish people don't have any rhythm."

"Fuck off, Cartman!" Kyle screamed at him.

"No, dude," Stan looked over at his friend sympathetically. "I think Cartman might actually be right."

"Don't let Fatman catch wind of that," Kat whispered.

Cartman glared at her and shouted, "Ey, I heard that, She-male!" She only rolled her eyes.

Kyle shook his head and said, "N-no, that's just a stereotype."

"Dude, maybe you _don't_ have any rhythm." Kyle stared ahead in a daze as Stan's words sunk into him.

Kat stared at him sideways and then shrugged, not knowing what the problem was. "Well, it would explain why you're off count."

Kyle's eyes drifted down to his feet. "Dude…" he then wandered off.

Kat raised an eyebrow after him. "What's his problem?"

Stan looked over at her and replied, "You gotta understand, we hate Cartman. He's a racist asshole and the fact that he might be right about Jewish people's stereotypes breaks Kyle's reality."

"Oh…" She leaned around him to stare after Kyle. "Damn, that sucks."

Kenny managed to leave his new friend Kelly alone to wander over to them. He shrugged and said, "[It's kinda funny.]"

Kat nodded. "Yeah, kinda."

* * *

After the rehearsal the kids were forced to suit up for the tour of the rainforest. They followed a Costa Rican man with a machete that knew little English with their enthused teacher. "This is now secondary rainforest we're heading in," their tour guide said. He gestured up to the tree tops. "Notice the canopy of foliage."

"Oh," Ms. Stevens gushed over the trees. "It's everything I've ever dreamed of!"

Kat squinted her eyes up at the canopy of foliage. "These secondary leaves look the same as the other leaves."

"Yeah, I know," their tour guide, Pedro, mumbled unbeknownst to the teacher.

"Damn it's hot out here," Kyle complained.

Stan suddenly screamed and Kat jumped in fright. She stared over at him wide eyed as Kyle stopped to watch him as well. "Snake!" He cried, pointing at a branch.

"No dude, that's a branch," Kyle said.

"Oh…" Kat rolled her eyes and went to continue forward, but Stan screamed again. "Snake!"

They looked back at him to see him point at the same branch. Kat glared at him and shouted, "Dude! Same branch!"

"Oh…"

Pedro stopped to turn to the children. "The rainforest is very delicate. We must take steps to-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Cartman interrupted, rolling his eyes and waving it off. "Take pictures; leave steps, blah blah blah." Pedro frowned at him unhappily. "We heard this a million times back up in the states."

The guide relented and continued on, but stopped again and turned to their right. "O, look! These are squirrel monkeys." He pointed to the small fuzzy monkey sitting on a branch and staring at them. "Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest."

Kat stared at the monkey and then glanced at Cartman. She smiled to herself and whispered to him, "Hey, I think it's eyeballing your fat rolls."

Cartman gawked at her. "What!?" He quickly grabbed a tree branch and ran over to it. "Bad! Bad, money!" He shouted and whacked it on the head. The children stared at him in shock as Kat grinned from ear to ear in amusement.

The monkey was chased off and Ms. Stevens came up to him angrily. "Eric, what in the hell are you doing!?"

"I'm asserting myself," Cartman explained calmly. "It's tough love! It's like with my Mr. Kitty, when he's bad I go, ey! That's a bad Mr. Kitty!" he shouted, pointing at the invisible cat. "And I smack him on the head!"

"Dude, he's crazy," Kat said in satisfaction as the group ignored him and continued after the guide.

Pedro stopped at another animal and pointed at the sloth. "And this is a three-toed sloth."

"Bad sloth!" Kat laughed as Cartman ran up to it and whacked it on the head. "Bad three-toed sloth!"

"For godssake, Eric, knock it off!" Ms. Stevens shouted and forcibly pulled him away.

Cartman chucked the stick at the sloth valiantly shouting, "Respect my authoritaaah!"

"Well, Pedro," Ms. Stevens huffed as she tossed Cartman back into the group of kids. "We'd love to see more of the rainforest, but we have a big concert tomorrow, don't we, kids?"

Kyle and Kat glanced around as the children agreed with her happily. One choir boy next to Kat said, "I wish we could've seen the Yanagapa."

Kyle asked, "What's the Yanagapa?"

Ms. Stevens replied, "The Yanagapa are a gentle native people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are destroying their homes and soon they will have nowhere to go."

"Besides civilization," Kat added.

"The Yanagapa are people who are untouched by civilization, and we need to preserve that. That is why we need to stop the bulldozing the rainforest so that they can live-"

"UGH," classic Cartman interrupted with an exasperated sigh, holding his head in his hands. "**God** here she goes _again_!"

Stan suddenly screamed in Kat's ear, making her jump in fright. "Stanley?" Ms. Stevens watched as Stan ran to the back and hid behind some students. "What is it?"

"Snake!" He shouted and pointed up in the tree.

Kat glared back at him. "Stan, I swear if it's another branch then I'm beating you with it."

"It's not, dude! Look!" he pointed again and they followed his aim.

They all gasped to see the red and yellow stripped snake coiled around the trunk of a tree. "Ah, yes," Pedro walked over and gestured to the snake. "This is what we call a Coral snake. Notice the red markings? Truly a magnificent creature." Stan only screamed again and ran off. His friends followed him to the bush he dove into and the guide asked, "What is it, little boy?"

Kat lifted the leaves to show his face as Cartman replied, "He's a little wuss, what does it look like?"

"I'm just scared of snakes!" Stan snapped defensively.

"Yeah, we noticed," Kat replied flatly and he hunkered down away from her.

"Now you must remember," Pedro said. "The snake is more afraid of us than we are of it."

The snake lunged from the branch and attacked him, causing him to scream. Kat's jaw dropped and she dropped the leaves, allowing Stan to hide as the snake chocked out the guide. "Oh my god!" Ms. Stevens shouted as the guide dropped dead. The snake then devoured the man whole.

"Yeah, that snake is really scared of us all right," Cartman said sarcastically.

"Jesus Christ! Is he dead!?"

The snake finished eating him and quickly crapped him out in bones and shit. "Dude!" Stan exclaimed wide eyed.

Kyle replied to the teacher, "My guess would be yes."

"Oh my god no!" Ms. Stevens looked around frantically. "Okay- don't panic children!"

Kat looked up at her annoyed. "We're not!"

Cartman grabbed a stick from the ground and hobbled over to the snake. "Bad!" He whacked the snake on the head. "That's a bad snake!" He hit it again and it chased him off.

* * *

They were forced to continue on, the children following their lost teacher. "Oh, children, the sun is setting… We have to find our way out of here quick." Some hours later the moon was in the sky and a thunder storm rolled in. "Okay, okay, everything is fine," Ms. Stevens said mostly to herself as they all sat under some large leaves for cover. "All right, children, it is important that we stay together. Is everyone here?" Kat looked around, only able to see seconds at a time with the lightning flashes. She saw Kyle and Stan, and that's all she really cared for.

Some random kid replied, "I'm not."

"Who's not?"

"Me."

Lightning flashed and a large boom of thunder shook Kat's bones. She jumped and hung onto Kyle, making him smile. Stan then screamed and Kat jumped again. "Stan!" She shouted threateningly. "I swear if it's another snake-"

"No dude!" Stan pointed out into the darkness. "I just saw Tony Danza!"

"No, you didn't just see Tony Danza, Stanley," Ms. Stevens said, but as Kat stared next to her, in the flash of lightning she saw a smiling Tony.

* * *

The next morning the weather was clear again and they continued on. "Dude, we're going to die out here," Kyle said.

"We are?" Kelly questioned frightfully.

"Don't worry, Kelly," Ms. Stevens said reassuringly. "We're going to find our way out of the rainforest and back to the concert on time. We just need to respect our mother rainforest and she will respect us."

Kyle nudged Kat and she looked at him. He pointed at the teachers back and her eyes went wide. "Uh, Ms. Stevens?" The teacher stopped and turned to her. "You have a bug on your back."

"Oh, really? Could you brush it off?" She turned her back to them and showed them the massive beetle that humped her back.

"Uh… no."

Ms. Stevens looked over her shoulder to see the beetle head that was as big as hers. They watched as she screamed and ran around. "For the love of god get it off!" She disappeared into the bushes and returned shortly after. "Okay, children, we must understand that the insects of the rainforest help the delicate balance of life here." She glanced over her shoulder and saw the bug still there and took off screaming again.

"The rainforest sucks," Kyle said irritated. "I wanna go home."

"Me, too!" Kelly said on the brink of tears.

"Well, let's keep going then," Kat said as she followed after the teacher. "Maybe Ms. Stevens' fear will lead us back to civilization."

They continued wandering the forest long enough for the teacher to get rid of the bug on her back. Tired and dehydrated, Kyle accidentally bumped into something. He looked up and shouted in fright. "There's a dude here!"

"Oh, thank god!" Ms. Stevens ran up to the man holding a rifle with extra bullets strapped around his chest and back. "Hello, sir, we are lost." She laughed nervously. "Can you help us?"

The man stared at the children and then back up at her. "Que?"

"Let me try." Kat pinched the bridge of her nose as Cartman walked up to him. "We are from America. A-me-ri-ca. We are very hungry. Let us see the burritos." He rubbed his fat belly.

"I don't want a burrito, I want a taco- supreme," Stan said.

"And a taco," Cartman said to the man.

"I want two tostadas with mild sauce," Kyle added.

"I'll take a cheese quesadilla and some nachos," Kat said.

"Okay, okay," Cartman relayed the information.

"Children, please," Ms. Stevens scolded. "Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos, that's a stereotype." The Spanish man thumbed behind him and walked off. "Look! He wants us to follow him! Oh, thank goodness. I think this ordeal is over!"

Kat glanced around wryly as they entered a camp full of armed Spanish people. Stan voiced her concern. "Dude, this doesn't look very safe."

"Yeah, we should get the hell out of here," Kyle agreed.

"Now kids," Ms. Stevens said, "let's be a bit more open minded. I've read about these people in the news: this is a people's army. They are fighting the fascist policies of their fascist government." She walked up to the leader sitting at a table flanked by two men. "Oh, hello, do you speak English?"

"Who are you?" The man demanded.

"Oh, wonderful! We were lost and it's such a great coincidence that we found you! You see, we're here to protest the government's sanction raping of your rainforest." They only stared at her and Kat glanced around nervously. "We're fighters just like you. Can you help us get back to San Jose?" They didn't respond. "Um… Oh! Perhaps you would like a gift? Well, we only have one gift to give. The gift of song."

She gestured to the children and they all groaned. She fished the boom box from her backpack and hit play. "_There's a place that is magical, and full of rain!"_

"Kyle," Ms. Stevens murmured through her teeth. "For the love of god to the right choreography."

"_Getting Gay With Kids is here!" _Kat frowned at Kyle as he turned in the opposite direction.

"Enough!" The leader slammed his fist down on the table, making the grenades on it bounce up.

Ms. Stevens turned off the music. "Well we hope the gift of song has warmed your hearts."

"We're not getting gay with kids here, okay?"

"Uh, yeah, so, do you have a phone we could use?"

"Yeah, we have a phone here, it's right next to the twelve person Jacuzzi." He then laughed and his lackeys joined him. "Now get out of here before we kill you."

Ms Stevens then murmured to the leader, "If it's because the little Jewish boys choreography…"

"Hey!"

"You white Americans make me sick," the leader said as the man beside him cocked his gun. "You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich and then you tell us to save the rainforest because you like it's pretty flowers."

Suddenly shots were fired and they flipped over the table. Utter pandemonium broke out as bullets flew. "Quickly children!" They chased after their teacher out of the mess. Thankfully they made it out okay, and they went back to wandering the rainforest. "Help! Can anyone hear me?"

As they passed by a massive flower, one of the boys took notice. "Look at the pretty flower!"

"Oh, no, Jake," Ms. Stevens said as he ran to it. "That is a very delicate flower that-" The flower opened up and ate the child. "Oh- dammit!" She then ran over to pull him back out.

"There's no end to this rainforest," Kat said as she pulled him back out. "I think we're walking in circles."

"This is bullcrap," Cartman said as he walked off. "I'm not following this stupid hippie around anymore."

"Eric, where are you going?" Ms. Stevens asked.

"I'm going this way."

"Young man, I am the adult here and I say we go this way," she pointed in the opposite direction.

"Look, you can go over _nyeah_, by I'm going over _neyah_."

"Young man, I have had it!"

"No-no, you _nyeah_, me _nyeah_. Screw you guys, I'm going home." With that he walked off.

"Good! You deserve to die you little bastard!" The teacher shouted after him. They all stared after him for a moment until she relented. "Eric, we all have to stay together!"

"Maybe we should listen to Cartman," Stan said.

"Yeah, it happened once before," Kyle agreed.

"No, the spirit of Maya has told me to go this way," Ms Stevens said and walked on.

"I don't know," Kat said as they all followed. "I feel like Cartman's stomach will take him to a TacoBell pretty damn quick."

They continued to wander for hours. "Oh, god, this is a nightmare! We're never going to make it to the festival!"

"Hey, look!" Stan pointed up at the sky. "Isn't that smoke?"

They looked up and sure enough there was a pillar of black smoke. "Let's go! Quickly!"

They followed their teacher into a clearing with a fire. "Look, a fire pit!" Kat said as they ran up to it. "That means there must be people." There was a rustle in the bushes and they looked over. Small people with overly large mouths carrying spears came out and circled them.

"Children, it's the Yanagapa!" She then put her hands up to the Yanagapa reassuringly. "Do not be afraid. We are not here to tear down your rainforest." They responded with deep voices in a language they didn't understand. "Look at how they live in harmony with nature and all living things…" They all then raised their spears. "Run for your lives children!"

"Holy crap!" Stan shouted and they all ran for it, spears landing in their footprints.

"Jesus Christ!" Kat screamed as a spear flew by her head.

The teacher glanced back to see the massive bug on her back again. She screamed and flung it off. They ran into a clearing and got caught in the earth. "What is this?" Kyle asked as they began to sink.

"I'm sinking!" Stan shouted.

"It's quicksand!" Ms. Stevens realized and the Yanagapa swarmed in.

The Yanagapa dragged them out of the quicksand and back to their home. The children were tied up and arranged around the camp fire while the teacher was carried off. Stan then said, "All we've been hearing growing up was save the rainforest- the rainforest is so fragile."

"Yeah, fragile my ass," Kyle said.

Kat sighed heavily. "Well it beats a zoo with two bears and _maybe_ an alpaca."

There was a small earthquake. They looked over in alarm to see Ms. Stevens dressed up as a cheerleader, tied at a sacrificial alter. From the trees emerged a massive Yanagapa Jabba the Hutt and their teacher finally lost it. "Goddamn stupid ass rainforest! This place fucking sucks! I was wrong! _Fuck the rainforest! _I fucking hate it! _I fucking hate it!_"

"Oh, **now** she figures it out," Stan murmured.

Then crashing through the trees were bulldozers. The worker in the driver's seat called out, "Save the children!" The children grinned as they scooped up the Yanagapa and slammed them into trees. They ran over and killed the snakes and giant beetles too. The worker hopped out with a knife and began cutting away at the ropes. "Come on, kids, let's get you back to civilization."

"Dude, bulldozers rule!" Kat said happily.

* * *

They rode back to the construction clearing and gave them lemonade and food to eat. "How did you know where we were?" Ms. Stevens asked the construction worker.

"Your little friend helped me out," he replied as Cartman walked up.

"Eric?" She questioned.

"Who did you expect? Merv Griffin?"

"So, what are you doing out here exactly with all this construction equipment?" Ms. Stevens asked and Kat and Kyle glanced at each other.

"We're clearing out large sections of the rainforest to build a lumber yard," the worker replied.

"Really? That's great!"

He furrowed his brows up at her enthusiasm. "You mean you're not upset?"

"No, I hate the rainforest! You can go ahead and plow down this whole **fucking** thing!"

"That's swell!"

There was a lightning strike and Kat looked over to see Kenny get struck. "Oh my god!" She jumped down and ran over, staring at his body on the ground wide eyed.

Kelly that stood with him screamed, "Oh my god, Lenny!"

Stan and Kyle walked over and Stan pointed at his body. "They killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!" Kyle shouted up at the sky.

The girls looked over at them incredulously. "Who's they!? Who killed him!?" Kelly shouted.

Stan shrugged. "You know… They're they."

"Th-they're bastards," Kyle explained weakly.

"Well don't just stand there!" Kat shouted at them. "Help him!"

"What?" Kyle looked confused.

Stan furrowed his brows together. "Help… Him?"

Kelly shouted in aggravation as Kat pounded on his chest. "Kelly, give him mouth to mouth!"

"Breathe damn you!" Kelly forced air into his lungs and Kat pounded hard on his chest. "Come on, Benny!"

They backed off for a moment and Kenny coughed. Stan and Kyle stared at them amazed. "Damn, dude!"

* * *

After saving Kenny's life, they made it back to the stadium and dressed up for the show. Ms. Stevens smiled at them. "Okay, kids, does everyone remember the new lyrics?"

They all nodded happily. The music started up. _"There's a place called the rainforest and it truly sucks ass. Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast. You say save the rainforest, but what do you know? You've never been to the rainforest before! Getting Gay with Kids is here! To tell you things you might not like to hear! You only fight for causes cause caring sells! All you activists can go fuck yourselves!"_

"What a wonderful message," one of the audience members said.

Another agreed. "It's so inspirational."

* * *

Kat's mother hummed to herself as she read a magazine on small couch in the living room, Leonidas playing with a ball of yarn on the floor. Kat returned home and her mother smiled at her. "Welcome home, sweetie. How was the rainforest?"

Kat stopped short and stared at her mother for a moment. Did she truly wish to know the horrors? "Do I have to tell you?"

"Oh, come on," her mother smiled as she set aside the magazine. "I would love to hear about it."

Kat hung her head and sighed. "Well… Our tour guide was eaten by a snake. We were lost for two days. Ms. Stevens was sexually assaulted by a giant beetle, a boy was almost eaten by a flower, we were almost gunned down by a people's army from Argentina, and the native Yanagapa people tied us up and tried to sacrifice our teacher to Jabba the Hutt." Her mother stared at her for a long moment. Even the kitten paused playing to stare at her. "We were rescued by some construction workers that were bulldozing the rainforest, though, so we made it to the concert on time."

"… Well!" Her mother forced on a smile. "That's good, right? And no one died! … Right?"

"Well, Kenny was struck by lightning, but me and his girlfriend Kelly gave him CPR and saved him."

"Right," her mother cleared her throat as she stood up. "Well, I suppose I'll make mac'n'cheese for dinner."

"Okay mom," Kat replied as her mother went into the kitchen. Kat raced up to her room to get on her computer. Her friends wouldn't believe this shit.


	3. Majestic Jakovasaurs

Kat sighed as she opened her locker. She before she rummaged for her lunchbox she took out her iPhone from her pocket. She checked her Facebook and scrolled up the feed, re-reading the long list of comments from the Rainforest story she told her friends. It may have been exhausting and frustrating, but it was better than seeing the same aquarium again. She made it to the top of the page to see Wendy made a new post: [Today after school we will be meeting at the base at 5 sharp! Sparkles!]

Several of her new female friends liked her post and commented: [Sunshine!]

Kat grimaced. She knew her mother wanted her to make new friends, but these chicks were too intimidating! Still, even if she didn't want to go, she didn't want to piss Wendy off by not showing up. She sighed heavily and forced herself to comment on her post: [Sunshine.] She refused to like it, though. She could **not** let her friends know about this.

Putting her phone away, she thought that she could get away with not sitting with them at lunch if she at least attended the meeting. She took out her lunchbox and felt it a bit light. She opened it up to see money inside. "Sweet," no cold sandwiches. She pocketed the money and hurried for the cafeteria.

She peered in around the open double doors, spotting the girl's table full aside from a couple seats. They were talked animatedly, so maybe they wouldn't even notice. Still, she snuck in as well as she could and ran for the food line. She slipped into the kitchen area and was greeted by a large black man. "Hello there, new girl!" He waved his wooden spoon in greeting.

"Uh, hey there… Chef," she greeted back awkwardly with a wave.

"What's your name?" Chef asked.

Kat blinked up at the large man. She never really had conversations with the lunch servers. "Um… My name is Katherine Schumer."

"Oh, you're the new girl that beat up Eric!" He realized and she smiled, feeling proud of her one achievement. "He was pretty upset when I saw him the other day. Are you two getting along now?"

"He's hiding behind the shame of his defeat by trying to hurt me with words," she replied with a shrug. "Right now he's calling me a she-male, which isn't that bad."

"Hm… I see." Chef then filled a tray with food and added an extra cookie. "That extra cookie is on the house. You can give it to Eric as a little peace treaty."

She was surprised at the kindness and generosity. "Wow, thanks, Chef."

"So, Katherine, what brings you to this little remote town?" He asked.

"My mom got divorced and we moved here to start a new life." Though this town is proving to not be the ideal place for it. She swore she saw another camouflaged alien on the way to school.

"Your mom's divorced, huh?" He rubbed his chin and she nodded. "Who's your mother?"

"Her name is Ellen Schumer. She has long red hair like mine and she works at the grocery store."

"Damn- that's your mother!?" Chef exclaimed and Kat only stared at him wondering why he was excited. "And she's divorced, huh?" She raised an eyebrow at him as he mumbled to himself. "A-anyways, Katherine-"

"-Kat, please."

"Kat, is there something I can help you with? I noticed you sneaking in here. Are there kids trying to bully you?"

"No, not at all," she replied and then looked to the side. "It's just… The girls here are a little scary. I don't really wanna hang out with them or attend the meetings they hold after school, but I don't want to piss them off."

"Meetings?" He questioned.

"All the girls here have a network of information and they hold meetings about things in their secret base. But I can't tell you where it is because you're a guy."

Chef stared at her dumbfounded for a moment. "…Huh…"

"So, any advice?"

"Well, the only thing I can suggest is to come clean. Explain to them that you would rather do other things than attend meetings and you can hope that they understand."

"Okay, thanks, chef," she smiled and left the room.

Chef sighed as he messed with the food on the line. "Those girls are gonna eat her alive."

As Kat exited the lunch line she paused to look around the lunch room at the tables filled with kids. She then spotted the four boys and hurried over to them. "Hey guys!" She hopped up in a seat next to Kyle.

"Hey, Kat!" Kyle and Stan greeted.

Cartman rolled his eyes and gave an exasperated sigh. "Great, the she-male is back to figure her gender out. Why can't you just-" He stopped short when she held up a cookie. "… What are you doing?"

"This is a cookie," she said.

"I know it's a cookie. Why are you holding up a cookie?"

The three other boys glanced between them. Kat grabbed her second cookie and held it up as well. "I have two cookies."

"[Two cookies?]" Kenny questioned surprised.

Stan leaned over to whisper to Kyle, "Dude, what is she doing?"

Cartman stared at her for a moment. He then sighed and pushed aside his tray and folded his hands together on the table. "I see." Cartman took on his professional appearance. "What is it you want, Mr. Schumer?"

Kat smirked. "A peace treaty."

"I assume you want me to stop calling you a she-male."

"Not at all. I honestly couldn't care less about what you call me whether behind my back or to my face." She set the cookies down on the table between them. "All I desire is that I be able to hang out with you guys."

"Dude," Kyle whispered back to Stan, "She's a genius!"

Kenny then whispered to them, "[It doesn't really take a genius to figure out you can manipulate Cartman with food.]"

"Yeah, that's true," Kyle relented.

"I see," Cartman leaned back in his chair. "And when would you want to hang out with us?"

She shrugged. "Whenever I want."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You're breakin' my balls here, Mr. Schumer."

"Come on now, Cartman," she slid one of the cookies away from him and he broke out in nervous sweat. "You said so yourself that I'm half boy, right? Since I'm not a complete chick I should be able to hang out with you guys. This peace treaty is just so you let me to hang out with you. You don't have to be nice."

"I can keep ripping on you?"

"And I can rip on you back." She slid the cookie back and he swallowed. "Deal?"

Cartman was reluctant, but Stan jumped in to help. "Come on, Cartman, she's giving you not one, but **two **cookies."

"[And they're double chocolate chip,]" Kenny added.

Cartman closed his eyes to hold back his aggravation. "I see they're double chocolate chip, Kenny," He murmured back calmly.

"Just imagine," Kyle waved his hand through the air. "After you finished the first delicious cookie, you become sad, yearning for another. Then, lo' and behold, there's a second cookie for you to savor! The double chocolate chip…"

Cartman glared at them unhappily. "Goddammit you guys." He frowned at Kat grumpily. "Fine. Deal."

"Shake on it?" She held out her hand.

He crossed his arms and smirked at her. "No way am I getting she-male disease from you."

"Fair enough," she sat back and he snagged the cookies from the table. Success. She quickly took out her iPhone and made a new post: [Totally just bribed the fatass I beat up the other day with cookies.]

A couple of her friends liked her post. Her friend Blake commented: [Oink. Oink.]

His brother Jordan commented: [Haha]

"So, Kat," Stan spoke up and she slipped her phone away. "Since you can hang out with us, wanna go camping with us tonight?"

Cartman frowned as he munched away on the cookies. With a mouthful he muffled, "Aw, man."

"What time?" She asked.

"We're all gonna meet up at Stan's house at six," Kyle replied.

Kat looked thoughtful for a moment. A meeting couldn't last an hour, could it? What all could they talk about anyways? "Yeah, sure! I'll be there around six. Where is it?"

"Next door to Kyles," Stan replied.

Kat raised an eyebrow. "Which is…?"

"[She hasn't been here for long, guys,]" Kenny said. "[She doesn't know where we live.]"

"Kenny lives in a junkyard," Cartman said.

Kenny glared at him. "[What the hell, fatass!?]"

"A junkyard?" Kat questioned.

"His family is super poor," Cartman explained.

"[Dammit, Cartman!]" Kenny looked like he was ready to hit him.

"Okay, whatever," Kat shrugged. "Still doesn't tell me where Stan lives."

"Here," Stan took out his iPhone. "Let's be friends. Then I can just message you the address."

"Cool," Kat took out her phone, and then Kyle and Kenny quickly took out theirs as well. She raised an eyebrow at Cartman and gestured to him. "Cartman?" He didn't seem to like the idea, but she added, "You can rip on me randomly."

"Ugh, fine," he took out his phone as well. "You better not spam me with she-male shit."

"No promises," she smirked.

* * *

After school she went home to see her mother cleaning the living room. "Mom, can I go camping with my friends?"

Her mother pushed her bangs aside as she turned to her and smiled. "Can I have more details?"

"I'll be at Stan's house at-uh- five and we're going camping out by Stark's Pond. We'll be back in Stan's house at eight thirty." Her kitten walked up to her and sat down, meowing up at her. Kat frowned at him. "No, Leonidas, you can't come." He meowed again. "I don't know, dude!"

"All right, pack whatever you're going to need," her mother said as she resumed cleaning. "Dinner will be ready around four."

"Thanks, mom!" Kat ran up the stairs followed by her kitten.

* * *

After she ate dinner she made her way to the park. She looked around and it was deserted. She walked over to the restrooms and could see light shining underneath the girl's room door. She took in a breath and walked up to the door. After she knocked a girl's voice muffled through, "Sparkles?"

Kat sighed in resignation. After she glanced around again to make sure no one was watching she mumbled, "S-sunshine…"

The door opened up and Lola smiled at her. "Kat! So glad you could make it! Come on in," Lola dragged her inside and she yelped. She was thrown into a pink room that wasn't a bathroom at all. It was a meeting hall lined with desks, stickers and lists about which actors were hottest and which girls they hated the most were posted on the walls along with pictures of Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp, and she had to admit it wasn't bad. At the end of the walkway was Wendy on her highest chair flanked by Bebe and Red. "Here's your seat," Lola tossed her into one of the empty chairs and then took her seat.

"Great for you to join us, Kat," Wendy said and Kat nodded. She was too afraid to speak really. "Now, onto the first order of business: what to do at the next sleepover." She slammed her mallet on her desk. "Who shall speak first?" Annie raised her hand. "Annie, you have the floor."

"Thank you, Wendy," Annie said as she stood. This was a serious formal meeting, wasn't it? Kat glanced around at all the girls as Annie prattled on about games they could play at the next slumber party. Everyone had straight backs and stared at Annie as she spoke. "That was my idea. Sparkles!"

"Sunshine!" Everyone said as Annie sat back down.

"S-sunshine," Kat quickly mumbled and slid down a little in her seat feeling embarrassed. Could she be any more of an outcast?

"You brought wonderful ideas to the table, Annie," Wendy said. "Does anyone else have anything to add to Annie's idea?"

Kat found herself nodding off as the meeting continued on and on… "Kat?" Kat jumped awake to see all the girls staring at her.

"Uh- y-yeah?" She looked around nervously and then noticed that Powder, another red headed girl, was glaring at her. "What?"

"We're discussing the issue about you hanging out with the boys," Bebe politely explained.

Kat raised an eyebrow. "Issue?"

"I saw you making a deal with Cartman," Powder said haughtily and Kat frowned at her. What was her problem? "You're a liability."

"A liability?" She questioned incredulously, sitting up in her seat.

"Now, now," Wendy cut in. "Kat is new to town. Powder, please present your case professionally."

Kat crossed her arms and glared as Powder stood up. "Kat is new in town, yes, and we all just friended her assuming she was a true girl!" Kat stared at her offended. "I did some Facebook investigating-"

"-stalking," Kat corrected.

Powder glared at her for a moment. After Kat didn't say anymore she continued, "All the friends she had before us South Park girls friended her were all guys! At lunch today I saw her form an alliance with Eric Cartman- _Cartman_ of all people!" Kat frowned a little. She wasn't wrong... She didn't exactly think about how that would look. "And now we've given her our secret codes and welcomed her to our meeting with open arms! For all we know, she could be here to gather information for the **boys**."

Kat glanced around worried as whispers went around the room. Wendy hammered her mallet on the desk. "Order!" The room went quiet. "Kat, your defense?"

Powder sat down and Kat sighed as she stood. "You're right, Powder. All my friends back in Marysville were guys. And you wanna know why I chose to have guy friends instead of chick friends?" They all glanced at each other before staring at her curiously. "Because the girls I was friends with talked about me behind my back. They were all smiles to my face, but they had a second bitchy face that would say horrible things about other people. My guy friends weren't like that. I didn't have to worry about them backstabbing me and being two faced bitches who Facebook stalk me!" She took a breath to calm down as Powder looked a little guilty. "I made a deal with Cartman, yes. I gave him two cookies so he wouldn't be a bastard when I hung out with them, even though he's going to rip on me. Remember, I didn't ask to be here. You just invited me. Now you have my oath that I won't tell the boys about your stupid meeting place that you set up in a bathroom! So, if you excuse me," she pushed away from her desk and picked up her backpack. "I have a camping trip to go on with the boys." They stared at her as she went over to the door. She turned to face them one last time. "Sparkles."

They didn't respond as she slammed the door behind her. Bebe made a low whistle. "She's pretty pissed."

Wendy sighed. "Let me go talk to her."

Kat stared angrily ahead as she marched across the basketball courts. "Kat!" She rolled her eyes as she heard Wendy's voice. "Kat, wait," Wendy walked in front of her, forcing her to stop short and Kat glared at her. "Kat, I want to apologize to you for Powder and some of the other girls."

Kat only rolled her eyes again. "You're right, Wendy, I'm new. I don't know how this small town works, I just know that I wanna go camping right now, and to be able to do things that I wanna do without being harassed with Sparkles and Sunshine."

"I know," Wendy smiled. "Kat, you're free to do what you want to do, I'm not going to try to control your actions. All I need is your word that you won't tell the boys where our meeting place is."

"I promise I won't tell them," she replied.

"That's good enough for me." She stuck her hand out. "Friends?"

Kat smiled. Wendy wasn't as bad as she originally thought. One on one she wasn't that intimidating. "Yeah," they shook on it.

As they went their separate ways, Wendy stopped and called back, "Just remember! If you break your word then we will find out!" Kat stopped short and stared ahead of her wide eyed. Wendy's voice was nice, but ominous. "And we'll probably break your legs!" Kat whirled around, but the bathroom door had shut.

* * *

After she met the boys at Stan's house, they were dropped off at Stark's Pond and set up a tent and fire. As they sat around roasting marshmallows, Cartman was playing his harmonica. "You guys, listen to this song I just wrote. It's called I hate you guys." Stan and Kyle frowned at him as Kenny and Kat watched him play. "~_I hate you guys! ~You guys are assholes! ~Especially Kenny! ~I hate him the most! _Come on, guys, now all together!"

Kat smiled as he played the tune. "_Cartman's so fat!"_

Cartman glared at her. "Ey!"

"_Like seriously," _ The other boys laughed as Cartman continued the tune. _"His butt is so fat!"_

"Okay, I'm seriously," Cartman said seriously and she laughed.

"This is sweet being rugged outdoors-men," Kyle said as Cartman continued his I hate you guys song. "Bracing the wilderness, not having to be home until eight thirty…"

Cartman stood and walked off and Stan asked, "Where you going?"

He turned back to reply, "I have to go home for a minute. I have to go to the bathroom."

"Just go behind the trees," Kyle said as he gestured to them.

Cartman awkwardly held up two fingers. "I have to go number two."

"So?" Kat raised an eyebrow at him. "You can go poo in the wilderness."

"No way, dude! What would I wipe with?"

Kyle glared at him. "Don't be such a baby, Cartman. We're supposed to be rugged outdoors-men."

"What am I supposed to sit on?"

"You just squat, stupid!"

Cartman then pulled down his pants and squatted in front of them. "Not here, dude!" Kat shouted, waving her cooking stick at him. "Go further away!"

Cartman pulled his pants back up. "God, I'm glad you guys know all these pooping outside rules," he said as he wandered off.

Kat ate her marshmallow off her stick. "Is that dude brain-dead?" She asked as she stuck on another marshmallow.

"No, he's just spoiled," Stan replied. "And half-retarded."

In the distance they could hear Cartman grunting. Kyle then shouted, "Watch out for ground eels!" They all laughed.

"Shut up, you guys!" Cartman shouted back. "I can't think!"

Kat looked confused at that. "What do you need to think about?"

"I have to think about… Planes dropping bombs… Dumb trucks… Soft served ice cream… Oh that did it."

"Sick, dude!" Stan called back disgusted.

They could then hear him play his harmonica. Kat shook her head as he sang, "~_Poopin' out in the woods! ~Makin' soft served ice cream! ~For all my friends! ~Especially Kenny! _Hey, Kenny, can I borrow one of your gloves?"

"[Oh sure.]" Kenny stood up and took off one of his gloves. Kat smacked her forehead as he began wandering towards him. Kenny then stopped short, dawning on him. "[Wait- fuck no, dude!]" He stuck his glove back on and sat back down.

Kat stared at Kenny for a moment. "So, you don't take off the hood, huh?"

He blinked back at her. "[Why would I?]"

"Oh my god, you guys!" Cartman shouted. "Come look at this!"

"Sick!" Kat shouted back.

Stan added, "We don't want to look at it, Cartman!"

"You guys, get over heah!" Cartman shouted, reverting into his authori-tay voice.

"No way, dude!" Kyle shouted back.

"I'm seriously!"

"[Come on,]" Kenny said as he stood up. "[He needs to shut up. One goes, we all go.]"

"Ugh," Kat rolled her eyes. "Fine. Cartman, waste my time and I'm kicking your ass!" She shouted as they all made their way over to him, abandoning their cooking sticks.

"Look, over by those bushes," he pointed at the trees as they approached him.

An annoying shrill of a voice then said, "Meesa scared!" They caught the glimpse of a yellow head darting between the trees.

Kat's eyes widened. "What the hell is that!?"

"I see it!" Stan chased after it and they quickly followed after him.

"Come on! Let's kill it!" Cartman shouted.

As they chased it through the night, they passed by a house in the woods. Looking around Kat caught another glimpse of the yellow body. "Over this way!"

"Come on!" Kyle and the others raced towards it, but the front door of the house swung open. As the light from inside shined down on them they stopped in their tracks and shielded their faces.

They all then stared up at the man with a vest and beer can. "What's going on out here?" He asked.

"Uncle Jimbo!" Stan exclaimed, "Cartman found some big animal creature and it ran over that way," he pointed in the distance.

"Hold on! I'll get my shotgun," Jimbo said excitedly and disappeared back into the house. "Ned! Ned, come on!" Jimbo then eagerly came running out with his flashlight and shotgun, followed by a man wearing an open red robe showing his stripped underpants. "Where'd it go?"

"It just ran by here a second ago," Kyle replied.

They then heard a snap and a rustle of metal. "Sounds like it got caught in the ostrich trap," Jimbo said and ran after it.

"Ostrich trap?" Kat questioned as they followed.

Jimbo hushed them as they snuck around the back of the house. "Now keep quiet," he whispered as he handed Ned, who Kat quickly noted had one arm, the shotgun. "All right, I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It may be startled, so get ready."

They all gathered behind him as he turned on the light. It shone on the metal cage. Inside was a yellow, pot-belly duck-like bipedal creature with pink lips. "Ooba-java!"

"Holy crow!" Jimbo exclaimed as they stared at the shivering creature. "I've never seen anything like it!"

"Meesa gonna die?" It questioned. "OooOp!"

Kat winced at the annoying sound it made. "Can you shoot it to shut it up?"

Cartman chuckled a little. "Hey, that thing's funny."

"It's stupid," Kyle corrected.

"Well, let's kill it," Jimbo said and Ned aimed the shotgun at it.

"No! No don't," Cartman stopped him and the grown men looked down at him confused. Cartman smiled at the creature, "I like it."

Kyle frowned at him annoyed. "You don't like anything, fatass."

Still, Jimbo sighed and reluctantly said, "All right then. Ned, get the Mayor on the phone and tell her we-" he stopped short as Ned stared at him unamused and then laughed. "Oh, right, you can't talk. Ha, never mind," he then walked off to do the call himself.

As Ned followed him, Kat glared at Cartman suspiciously. "Cartman, do you just wanna keep it 'cause I said to kill it?"

"OooOP!"

"Shut up!" She shouted at it. "Damn it's annoying."

"I agree," Kyle said.

Cartman frowned at them. "Kyle, you just agree with her-him because you like female penises."

"Oh yeah?" Kyle countered. "And why in the hell do you 'like' this weird animal?"

"Just look at it you guys," Cartman said in his charming voice and they all stared at the shivering, balding creature. "It's majestic."

"It looks like it could be sickly and dying," Stan said. "We should put it out of its misery."

"[Can we eat it?]" Kenny asked.

"Ew," Kat stared at the creature disgusted. "I don't think so. You might get sick from it."

"All right, kids!" Jimbo called from the house. "We're showing it to the town tomorrow!"

"Sweet!" Cartman said happily and then ran for the house.

As Kat and the boys followed she asked, "Guys, what kind of wildlife do you have around here?"

"Dude, we don't know half the time," Kyle replied as they passed by the trees. Kat glanced up and in the darkness spotted an alien staring at her and she screamed, jumping a foot in the air, causing the others to stare.

* * *

The next day, Kat stood in front of the townspeople, whom her mother was among, with her friends, Jimbo and Ned. Behind them was the odd creature they captured last night in its cage, hauled by Jimbo's truck. "Yup, it was like wrestlin' a Louisiana alligator, this thing. Put up one hell of a fight," Jimbo said as they crowded around the shivering creature.

"Hello there," Mrs. Broflovski crooned at the creature. "Who's the cute baby? Who's the fuzzy, huh?"

Kat stared up at her and the other adults confused. "Dude," she turned to Kyle, "Do they actually find this thing cute?" He only shrugged as his mother continued to croon at it.

"Right over here," the mayor cut through the crowd and led through three men in suits.

"My god, McGlanen, do you believe it?" One of them said as they stared at it in shock.

The creature then spoke, "Meesa needs a jackoff! OooOOO!" Kat winced at the harsh annoying sound it made.

"It's amazing," the man in the blue suit murmured. "Mayor, this is a Jakovasaur! A live one has never been seen before."

"Oh, neat-o," Mayor replied not nearly as impressed.

"Incredible," the first man said as he walked up to the cage, inspecting the Jakovasaur closer. "We only know of this creature from remains found frozen in snow."

"Do you realize what this means?" The man in the blue suit questioned the Mayor. "We can use its DNA to bring back the entire Jakovasaur species back from extinction!"

"Wow, kewl!" Cartman said in awe.

Kat's expression went flat. "No, not 'kewl'. They honestly want more of these things?"

Ned then started burp talking, "Is, there, re, ward, mon, ey?"

Everyone stared and Jimbo snapped at him, "Cut it out, Ned, that's just disgusting!"

"This one Jakovasaur could mother an entire population of the animal," the men continued to talk.

"Well, in that case," one woman of the audience spoke up. "I think we should call it… Hope."

"Yes, Hope," another agreed.

Kat sighed as Kyle looked at her. "We're naming it now?"

The Jakovasaur stood and grabbed onto the bars of the cage. "Meesa name Jun-jun."

Stan stared up at it for a moment. "I think its name is Jun-jun."

"Hope!" The Mayor said happily. "Why that's a perfectly beautiful name!"

"Now we just need to find a safe place to keep it," one of the men in suits said.

Mr. Garrison walked over with Mr. Hat and volunteered, "I'll keep it over at my house."

The Mayor frowned at him. "No, Garrison, you'll just try to have sex with it."

Jun-jun made an exclaimed sound and Kat started at them wide eyed. "What the hell is wrong with them?"

Stan looked at her and replied, "There are a lot of things wrong here."

"What!?" Mr. Garrison stared at her offended. "How dare you say that!"

Mayor crossed her arms and stared at him skeptically. "Mr. Garrison, do you remember what happened to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?"

He only rolled his eyes and waved it off. "Oh, come on, you all know how that pigeon was a total slut."

Ms. Schumer who was standing in the crowd blinked at the third grade teacher. "W-wait- what?" She looked around at the people closest to her, but they didn't appear disturbed.

She was then shoved aside by a farmer as he stepped forward. "I have a barn it can stay in," he offered. "It's not much, but it's heated."

"That's fine, just fine."

"Just fine."

"Fine," the three men in suits replied.

"Now hold on," Mr. Garrison interrupted. "I just want to clear the air here. We _all_ know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you _didn't_ sleep with that pigeon." Everyone's hands went up. Ms. Schumer glanced around before raising her hand as well. Mr. Garrison rolled his eyes. "Oh whatever."

* * *

Later that night Kat sat on the couch watching television as Leonidas slept beside her. From the kitchen her mother said, "So… Sweetie… About your teacher…"

Kat glanced over at the kitchen. "About Mr. Garrison having sex with a slutty pigeon? Yeah, I don't really wanna talk about that." Leonidas lifted his head as he tuned into the conversation.

"But…" Her mother came out wiping her hands on her apron looking baffled. "Did you have any idea?"

Kat continued to stare at the home shopping channel selling a samurai sword. "If the pigeon was a dude, then yes I had some idea."

Her mother fell into the armchair and pressed a hand to her forehead. "I-I don't think a man like that should be teaching… I mean…"

Kat sighed and furrowed her brows up at her mom. "Mom, literally the whole town was out there and they discussed the issue like it was nothing. We're new here. Maybe this is just how small towns work."

Her mother sighed as she stood back up. "Maybe…"

As she walked away, Kat mentioned, "By the way I think South Park has aliens."

"Aliens aren't real, honey," her mother replied as she went back into the kitchen.

Kat frowned unhappily. Of course she could say that. Her iPhone then went off and she answered it. "Hello?"

"Kat! It's Kyle. Listen, Cartman says he has something really important to show us at his house."

"Yeah, okay," she glanced after her mother. "I was getting bored anyways. Message me the address; I'll be there in a bit."

* * *

Kat arrived at Cartman's house along with Kenny. Cartman let them inside and they went up to his bedroom meeting with Kyle and Stan. Cartman turned to them and quickly explained, "Another Jakovasaur showed up on my doorstep! He was looking for Jun-jun- he said they were the last of their kind! There's only two of them left."

Kat stared at him silently along with the others. She mostly didn't want it to be true; that there was another annoying ugly Jakovasaur- a creature she hasn't found in books mind you. Kyle tilted his head at him and asked, "Have you been smoking some of your moms crack?"

"Would you stop with the whole mom smoking crack?" Cartman snapped. "It's an old joke."

"ERIC?" A loud male voice asked from the closet. "DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE COOKIES?"

"Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?" Stan asked.

"No, that's a Jakovasaur," he replied and then said, "It's okay to come in!" The four of them only stared as a second yellow Jakovasauras with blue lips came out of the closet. "Jakov, I want you to meet my friends."

"HI YOU GUYS, I LOVE NEW FRIENDS- WOOAH!" As he approached them, he tripped on nothing and tumbled right passed. They stared at him as he crashed into the wall and shook his head comically from dizziness.

Cartman laughed at him entertained. "Isn't he funny?"

Kat stared at the Jakov exhausted. "No, he's annoying."

Kyle wondered aloud, "What are we supposed to do with him?"

"We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his girlfriend," Cartman replied.

"Why don't we just tell our parents?" Stan suggested.

Cartman shook his head. "No, parents won't understand! We have to do this ourselves."

Kat grimaced. "I kinda agree. I mean, my mom wasn't impressed with the other Jakovasaur, and she's finding this town to be pretty weird."

"Let's hope it doesn't rub off on her," Stan said and Kat became worried.

"It's settled!" Cartman hurried over to the Jakov and helped him back up. "Come on, Jakov!"

The kids escorted Jakov to the ranchers barn on the northeast side of the town. As they opened the barn door, Stan hushed that and whispered, "We gotta be quiet. We can get into big trouble for this."

They all filed in and closed the door behind them. Jun-jun was sitting on a pile of hay surrounded by flowers the townspeople left, banners hanging over her saying they 'hope' for the future and they love 'hope'. Seeing Jun-jun, Jakov exclaimed happily, "JUN-JUN!"

"Shhh!" Stan glared at him. "Be quiet stupid!"

"OH JUN-JUN!" They all stared up at him worried as he continued to talk overly loud. "I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE OKAY!" He ran over to his Jun-jun.

"Dude," Kyle hissed at him, "Have you ever heard of whispering?"

"I AM WHISPERING!" Jakov then clumsily stepped on a rake, the handle flying up and cracking his head comically. "YEOW!"

Kat pinched the bridge of her nose. "Oh my god, why."

Cartman laughed next to her. "You're so funny, Jakov!"

"I AM?" He scratched the bump on his head confused.

"Uh, okay, Jakov," Stan gestured to them and said, "Why don't you just take boonga here and go back to Stark's Pond."

"OH, I DON'T KNOW," Jakov looked around as the barn animals stared at him. "THIS PLACE IS KINDA NICER THAN STARK'S POND."

The barn doors opened up and the kids whirled around. The rancher, Mayor, and three men in suits were glaring down at them unhappily. Jun-jun said, "Weesa in big doo-doo now!"

"UH-OH!"

* * *

The next day, Kat was at the dining table eating cereal while her kitten ate his food on the ground next to her. She was taken home last night, but there weren't any 'complications' since they 'found' a second Jakovasaur. There was a knock on the front door and she heard her mother call out, "Coming!"

Ms. Schumer opened the door to see Mr. and Mrs. Marsh at her doorstep. "Oh, hello!"

"Hello there," Mrs. Marsh smiled warmly. "I'm Sharon Marsh and this is my husband Randy."

"Hello," Randy greeted politely. "We're Stan's parents, a friend of your daughter's."

"Oh, yes, Katherine mentioned a friend named Stan," her mother recalled. "My name is Ellen."

"Well, Ellen, we just came by to tell you that the Mayor is announcing the finding of a second Jakovasaur!" Sharon said excitedly.

"Goddammit," Kat said from the kitchen and the parents glanced back for a moment.

The parents quickly ignored it and Randy continued, "Do you want to come down to see it with us?"

"Oh, of course!" Ellen said happily. She then called back, "Katherine, sweetie, we're going to go see the new Jakovasaur!"

There was a sigh and they frowned as they waited. They heard the scrap of the chair as it moved and Kat walked on up to them. "The things I do for you, mother," she said as she walked straight by them.

As she walked out she saw Stan standing there looking as excited as she was. "Hey."

"Hey."

"I have no idea what these parents see in the Jakovasaurs," he said as they followed their excited parents.

"I don't ever want to know," she replied. As they walked through the town, other adults left their homes and joined the growing crowd in front of the outdoor stage. Sitting up there were the two Jakovasaurs and the three men in suits. Standing at the podium was the Mayor, and off to the side on the ground Kat pointed at their friends. "There's Kyle and Kenny."

As they approached, Cartman was reading an index card to himself while the others watched. "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor…"

Kyle glared at him. "What are you doing, fatass?"

"I'm practicing my speech," he replied, "for when they call me up to congratulate me on my amazing discovery."

"What discovery?" Kat questioned. "New ways on getting fat without dying of a heart attack at age eight?"

"Mock me all you want," he said, brushing off her insult. "But I will be the one up there getting a golden medal and not you." The kids glanced at each other as he continued his speech.

"And now, the little boy who first discovered the Jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman!" Mayor announced and moved away as Cartman hurried on stage.

"Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable distinction." Kat and the others watched as the crowd immediately began dispersing from disinterest. "You know, there's really only two seasons here in South Park: winter and July. But seriously, South Park has always been a place of discovery for me…"

"Let's bail," Kyle said and they followed his lead out of there, leaving Cartman totally pissed off.

They followed the men and suits and Mayor to the house that was built for the Jakovasaurs by the townspeople. "WOW, IT'S SO PRETTY," Jakov said as he and Jun-jun sat on the couch.

"Well, Jakov," the man in the blue suit said, "we hope this inspires you and Hope to, uh, well, you know."

There was an awkward pause. "WHAT?"

A second suited man explained, "Well we'd love to see more Jakovasaurs, so maybe you two should, uh…"

Jakov tilted his head. "WHAT?"

The third man in a suit made a hole with his hand and stuck his finger through it. "Get to some business," he raised his eyebrows suggestively.

Jakov scratched his head confused. "WHAT?"

Kat snapped and finally screamed, "THEY WANT YOU TO HAVE SEX GODDAMMIT!"

"OH!"

They all quickly filed out of the house and the Mayor said to them, "We'll just leave you two love birds alone, then," and then shut the door behind her.

They all stood across the street and stared at the house, waiting for something to happen. Kat turned to Kyle and furrowed her brows up. "Dude, do we really want to have more of them?"

The man in blue behind her replied, "Of course we do! We're bringing a nearly extinct species back to life."

Stan looked up at him and said, "Yeah, but are they living in your town?"

Suddenly there was a crash from inside the house. They could hear Jakov shout as he tumbled and broke things, Jun-jun making her loud annoying sounds. Suddenly she came running out shouting, "Meesa just don't wanna!"

Jakov ran up to them and said, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

The man in a blue suit walked up to him and explained, "Jakov, all you need to do to have sex is, well, you stick your…" He trailed off as he looked down at Jakov's naked body, seeing he didn't have a penis. He rubbed his chin. "Well, I guess we don't know how Jakovasaurs mate."

Another man in a suit walked forward and smirked. "There is another option."

* * *

Kat stood in front of the stormy hillside, staring up at the looming gates. "You guys have a fucking genetic engineering ranch?"

"Yeah," her friends stood with her as they stared up at Dr. Mephesto's building.

"All he really does is make more asses on animals," Kyle added.

"Of course he does," Kat sighed and they made their way into the building.

* * *

"I've managed to artificially inseminate Hope with your semen," Dr. Mephesto explained to Jakov as he and Jun-jun sat on the operating table.

"I HAVE SEMEN? WHERE'S THEIR BOAT?" He then made a very loud impression of a boat's horn, causing Cartman to laugh.

"Yes, yes, that's very funny, Jakov," Dr. Mephesto said as he rolled his eyes. He then lifted a syringe and explained, "I will need to examine Hope once more to see if the process worked." As he stuck the needle in Jun-jun she began screaming her Jakovasaur call.

Dr. Mephesto took the sample to a microscope as she continued to scream, then Jakov joined in with his boat horn impersonation. Kat and Stan plugged their ears as Kyle grumbled, "Goddamn, shut up!"

"Yes, yes it worked!" Dr. Mephesto said and they stopped. "You two are going to be parents!"

"We did it!" The men in suits cheered.

"NOW I CAN BE LIKE ALL THE OTHER DADS IN SOUTH PARK!" Jakov said happily.

Stan turned to his friends worried and whispered, "Dude, I don't want another one of these things in South Park."


	4. Stranger Danger

[Author's Note at the end]

"Amazing, the gestation period was only four days!" The man in blue said astounded.

Kat and her friends stared at Jun-jun's swelling belly as she lay on the couch of her home. Her mother and Kyle's mother joined them along with the Mayor, Jimbo and Dr. Mephesto. "At this rate we can repopulate the Jakovasaurs in just a few years!" Another man said.

Jun-jun replied, "OooOP!"

"Don't worry, Hope," the men assured, "Everything's going to be fine, just fine."

"Just fine."

"Fine."

Kyle pointed at Jun-jun and whispered to his friends, "Dude, I don't want to watch this thing have a baby."

"If Jakov and Hope don't have a baby, then their race will become extinct," Cartman said in a way that sounded like he cared.

"Maybe the baby will be stillborn like Cartman was," Kyle said and they laughed.

"EY! I might've been stillborn, but at least I got better!" Cartman snapped back.

"Here we go," the men said as Jun-jun started pushing.

Mrs. Broflovski clasped her hands together and sighed. Ellen smile down at her as she said, "Behold, the miracle of childbirth!"

"OOooOOP!" Pink goo exploded from Jun-jun and coated everyone and everything in the room.

"Gross!" Kat shouted as she examined herself, seeing the goo all over her sweatshirt.

Jun-jun shouted again as a baby shot from her and slammed into the far wall. It stuck with the pink goo all over it and slowly slid down. The kids watched as all the parents cheered in victory. "This is the first step in bringing them back from extinction," Ellen said happily. Jun-jun began making sounds again as she pushed. "Oh? It looks like there's another one."

"This is great for them!" Mrs. Broflovski said, and Jun-jun shot out another baby Jakovasaur at the wall.

They cheered again, but then Jun-jun shot out another, and then another. Jun-jun aimed uncontrollably as babies fired out from her vagina like cannonballs. Kat shouted in fright as they ducked and dodged the flying babies covered in goo. After it seemed like she was done birthing twenty babies, the man in blue said, "It appears they breed in litters."

Cartman picked one of the babies off the ground and carried it over to his friends. "Aren't they cute, you guys?" He crooned and cuddled it. The baby was stunned in his arms from its head slamming the wall.

Stan turned to Kat and Kyle and whispered, "Dudes, I'm not so sure this is a good thing." Jun-jun then fired four more and the man in the blue suit yelped as he ran to escape fire.

"Cease fire, dammit!" Kat shouted at her.

* * *

The next day at school, Kat froze as she walked into Mr. Garrison's classroom. The number of students doubled and over half of them were Jakovasaurs. All of them staring at her. She had to leave. She took a step back, keeping her eyes on them, but Mr. Garrison stopped her by saying, "Sorry, Katherine, your desk was taken." Her expression went flat as he walked over to her. "Students have to share seats with all the Jakov's we have in here. You'll just have to share a seat with someone."

"Kat!" Kyle raised his hand eagerly and waved her over.

Kat went over to him and hopped up in the chair with him, making him smile. Cartman behind them leaned forward and whispered, "Be careful, Kyle, or you'll get the she-male disease!"

Kat glared back at him and snapped, "Cartman, I feel myself getting type-two diabetes just from talking to you!" She and her friends then laughed loudly.

The bell rang and Mr. Garrison began, "Okay, children, we have some new students joining us today. Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class."

"Dude, it's crowded in here," Stan complained as he shared a seat with Kenny.

"I LIKE SCHOOL!" One of the Jakov's said and a female one replied, "OOooOOP!"

"Okay…" Mr. Garrison resisted a grimace as he stared at all the Jakov's. "We're just going to stick to our normal lesson plan and start the day with history." He turned and began writing on the chalk board. "Now does anyone know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972?" They all stared at him unresponsive until a Jakov raised his hand. "Yes?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"O-kay," Mr. Garrison nodded awkwardly. "Is there anyone who can answer the question?"

Another Jakov raised their hand. "I CAN'T!"

"ME NEITHER!" Another added.

"Dammit, you don't raise your hand if you don't know," Mr. Garrison snapped.

"OH!"

"OooOOP!"

"OOooOP!"

"FIGHT! FIGHT!" They stared at two female Jakov's as they got on a desk and started head butting each other. Another Jakov shouted, "SCHOOL! SCHOOL! I LIKE SCHOOL!"

More Jakov's joined in the chant as more female Jakov's got in on the fight. "Dude, this sucks ass," Kyle shouted over the noise as they glared angrily at them.

"I like going to school now," Cartman said as he smiled at the Jakov's. "Jakovasaurs' are so cool!"

Mr. Garrison gave up as he collapsed at his desk. He raised Mr. Hat and Mr. Hat said, "This is insane, Mr. Garrison."

"Sure is, Mr. Hat," he agreed and the Jakov's began shaking his desk.

* * *

"Meow," Leonidas stared up at Kat as she sat on the couch staring exhausted at the television.

"I can't take it," she murmured as her eyes slowly closed. "Jakovasaurs are… So annoying…"

Leonidas tilted his head as Kat began drifting off. "Meow?"

Kat jumped as her iPhone pinged. She took it out and saw Cartman made a new post: [Jakovasaurs are the best!]

She stared as someone liked his post. "Of course Butter's would like that post," she sighed as she put her phone away.

Suddenly her mother burst in through the front door shouting, "Great news!"

Kat perked up and Leonidas jumped in her lap. "What is it, mom?"

"The adults just got done with a meeting at Skeeter's bar," she explained excitedly. "We all hate the Jakovasaurs and because they're loud, annoying and stupid, we're going to convince them to live in a place they'd fit in: Memphis, Tennessee!"

"That's great!" Kat said happily. "When do they leave!?"

"We're going to convince them to move tomorrow. Oh, I have to call Liane!" She then hurried into the kitchen for the house phone.

"This is awesome, Leonidas!" Kat said as she pulled her phone from her pocket.

She called Stan up and he answered, "What's up?"

"Get the boys over to my house tomorrow," she said, unable to contain her grin. "We're getting rid of the Jakovasaurs!"

* * *

The next day her mother walked with Cartman's mother as the kids followed, Kat looking grumpy. Stan furrowed his brows up at her and whispered, "Look, how was I supposed to know you meant 'not Cartman' when you said 'get the boys'?"

"I don't know, maybe common sense?" She replied as they entered the Jakovasaurs home.

Jakov and Jun-jun were sitting at the couch with the Mayor surrounded by townspeople. "Hey, Jakov!" Cartman greeted happily. "How's it goin'?"

"GREAT, ERIC. WE'RE MOVING!" Jakov replied and Carman stopped in his tracks.

"Moving…?"

"ME AND MY FAMILY ARE MOVING TO THE PROMISE LAND OF MEMPHIS," Jakov explained and the kids grinned at each other.

Cartman, on the other hand, stared at Jakov sadly. "But… You can't leave, you're my friend…"

"Oo, Eric, dear," his mother crooned. "It's for the best."

"Now let's get that luggage packed!" Ellen said happily.

"Jakov, please don't go." Cartman stepped forward to Jakov pleadingly and Kat glared at him as everyone stared. "You make everything in South Park fun. You brought life to this whole town. It would suck without you."

"IT WOULD?"

"Yes! These people, Jakov, these people need you. _I_ need you. Please, Jakov… Stay?"

Jakov seemed to think for only half a second. "OKAY. I LIKE SOUTH PARK MOST OF ALL. WE'RE STAYING!"

"Hooray!" Cartman cheered as everyone stared at him with a calm rage. "Jakov is staying you guys!" They all continued to stare at him in silence. Kat walked up to him and smacked him upside the head. "Ow!" He glared at her as he rubbed the back of his head. "What the hell was that for!?"

"Shut up, fatass," she replied and dragged him out the home as everyone left.

"Now what do we do?" The Mayor asked as everyone gathered outside.

"Don't worry," the man in the blue suit assured, "We've come up with a plan."

They all perked up and stared at them expectantly. "You have?"

"Yes. We're leaving."

The townspeople blanched at them in shock. "What!?"

"Lucky bastards," Kat grumbled under her breath and her friends glanced at her

"We're getting the hell out of here and away from those goddamn things."

"You can't leave!" The Mayor called after them as the men went for their van.

Cartman stopped them by running up to them. "Yes, who will take care of them?"

The men glanced at each other until one replied, "Little boy, we're making you an honorary member of the department of interior." He stuck a badge on his red jacket with Jr. Deputy scribbled hastily on it. "So now you are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them."

Cartman stared at the badge on his chest and then blinked up at them. "So you're saying I have authori-tay?"

"That's right," the man replied and Cartman smiled. "People must respect it."

"Well, that would be fine, just fine," Cartman said as they climbed into their van.

"Just fine," the man agreed.

"Fine," Cartman smiled at his friends.

"Oh no," Stan whispered and Kat and Kyle looked over at him. "There's nothing worse than Cartman with authori-_tah_."

The Interior men drove off and Kat looked back at Cartman, seeing him smile at her. It was innocent looking, but there was something ominous behind it. "Come on, kids," the Mayor said and they looked up at her. "I have an idea."

* * *

Kat found herself standing in the Mayor's office along with Kyle, Stan and Kenny. "Come on, come on…!" The Mayor stared down at the phone on her desk as she wrung her hands nervously. Various townspeople stood around her as they stared at the phone intently. On the first ring she hastily picked up the phone, "Hello-"

"MAYOR? THIS IS JAKOV," they could hear his yelling voice clearly and Mayor was forced to hold the phone away from her ear. "THERE WAS A GUY THAT CAME TO THE DOOR AND-"

"Yes, yes, Jakov, you're calling about the game show," Mayor interrupted impatiently. She then quickly added in a lighter voice, "Congratulations! Will you do it?"

"SURE! IF A FREE TRIP IS INVOLVED. CAN MY WHOLE FAMILY GO?"

"Of course! That's the whole point," Mayor explained irritated. "Just be ready this afternoon at the public access building at three o'clock. Good luck! We hope you win!"

Mayor cringed as held the phone away as Jakov shouted, "COOL BEAN!"

She quickly hung up on him. "All right, we got 'em. Now, the kids here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted meanwhile we get rid of the Jakovasaurs and bring some normalcy back to this town! Ready?"

"Break!" All the adults clapped together as the kids glanced at each other.

As the four of them left the Mayor's office Stan asked, "How are we supposed to keep fatass away from the game show?"

"Cartman's stupid, right?" The boys glanced at Kat. "He's a member of that Interior crap, so let's keep him busy with that. Kenny, you come with me," she said and took his hand. "I have something special in mind for you."

"[Sweet!]" Kenny jumped for joy and quickly went with her.

Stan looked sideways at his friend as he sighed in aggravation. "Goddammit."

* * *

Still the boys did as Kat instructed and Stan and Kyle went to find Cartman. "What are we doing out here, you guys?" Cartman, dressed up in his new suit, followed Stan and Kyle out to the snowy hills. "I wanna see if Jakov wins that game show."

"Oh, he'll win, don't worry," Stan replied and Cartman gave him an odd look.

"We just have to show you this new species because you're the Department of Interior guy now," Kyle hastily threw in and Cartman looked at him. "Soon they'll all be eaten by bears!"

"Well, let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species." Cartman rolled his shoulders and got professional as he took out a piece of paper and a pencil. "This should be just fine, just fine. Fine! Just fine."

Kat huffed as she ran over to the boys. "I see it! Look!" She pointed out in the distance and they followed her aim.

"Oh, it must be of the antelope family!" Stan added unconvincingly.

The four of them stared for a moment before Cartman replied, "That's Kenny with branches on his head." He then glared them and demanded, "Why did you bring me out here, you guys?"

Stan sighed and resigned to explain, "Cartman, Jakovasaurs are making South Park suck, you have to understand that."

"What does that have to do with me being all the way out-" he froze as realization hit him and Kat furrowed her brows up in worry. "Wait a minute… You're distracting me! That game show is a fix!" He abandoned his paper and pencil and ran off.

"Cartman, wait!" Kyle shouted as they chased after him.

"[Hey, guys!]" Kenny shouted and hurried after them. "[What about me-ah!]" A bear swooped down and carried him away in his jaws.

* * *

Kat and the boys chased Cartman all the way to the small airport. "Damn he can haul ass," Kat commented as she huffed.

"Jakov, wait!" Cartman blew past the townspeople and ran up the stairs, but the plane door shut on him. "Open this door!" He shouted as he pounded on it.

"Eric, this is for the best," his mother said.

Cartman turned to them and proclaimed, "I am Department of Interior guy and I have authroi-t_ah!_"

They watched as the plane rode away and Cartman ran off the stairs and chased after it down the runway. The kids glanced at each other as the plane took off, leaveing Cartman alone. Everyone gathered around him and his mother spoke up, "It's important for you to understand that-"

"Don't, mother," Cartman raised a hand to stop her. "Just don't."

Mayor knelt by him and said, "I know it's hard, Eric, but I've learned something today. You see, animal species come and go. It's all a part of natural evolution."

She stood back up and Jimbo added, "The Jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't interfered because their particular form of life simply wasn't practical."

Ned then stepped forward and spoke with his new voice box. "We can't go around saving every form of life any more than we can kill them all. We have to let nature run its course." He then examined his voice box confused.

"Ned, that voice box sucks," Jimbo said.

"I know, I'm still trying to find my old one," Ned replied.

"Well then, how about we all go get some ice cream?" Mayor suggested and everyone cheered.

"No thanks," Cartman said glumly. "I'll just… See you guys…" They watched as he walked off sadly.

"Dude, I've never seen Cartman care so much about something," Kyle said.

"Really?" Kat questioned.

"Yeah," Stan replied. "I guess he found something that was as annoying as he is."

There was a moment of silence before Kat glanced around. "Where's Kenny?"

"So, how'd you like your first lesson?" Kyle asked.

She blinked back at him. "Lesson?"

"Yeah, every time we have a 'I learned something today'," Stan explained and she raised an eyebrow at him.

"Every time of what?"

"Well…" Stand and Kyle shrugged at each other. "You know…"

"No I don't." Kat looked between the two boys as they furrowed their brows up at each other. She sighed. "Let me guess, it's just something you do in this town."

"Well, yeah," Kyle nodded.

"Come on, I want ice cream," Stan said and the kids followed the adults back to town.

* * *

[Horseshit.]

[Kat, I told you no drugs!]

[Jakovasaurs don't even pop up on the Internet.]

Kat puffed out her cheeks annoyed as her friends blew up her post. She just got done explaining the whole Jakovasaur escapade and none of her friends believed her. She commented on her own post: [I'm serious, you guys! The town tricked the Jakovasaurs on a staged game show and flew them off to France!]

Aaron then commented: [Hun, Jakovasaurs don't exist.]

Alek commented: [I think we need to get you out of that town.] All of her friends liked his comment.

Kat scoffed and rolled her eyes. She then commented back: [Listen, this town isn't normal. It's… Interesting?]

She looked up from her keyboard and noticed that Cartman made a new post: [Good news! They've begun research for a cure for the She-Male disease!]

Butters liked his post and commented: [Oh boy!]

"Ugh," Kat smacked her own forehead. "I shouldn't get involved, but I need to help this poor boy." She then commented on Cartman's post: [Butter's, there's no such thing as She-Male disease. Cartman's fat because he's full of shit.]

Butters commented back: [O-oh… I see…]

Kat shook her head at the naïve boy. "Jesus Christ," she muttered. She pushed away from the computer and got ready for bed. Leonidas jumped in bed with her as she snuggled in and went to sleep.

* * *

Unbeknownst to her, Cartman was still awake past bedtime. He was on his computer, two web pages open on his screen. One of them was Kat's Facebook profile with her smiling profile picture showing all the information she posted about herself. Cartman copied her information and posted it on the dating site, copying her picture to it. After he finished his work he closed out the Facebook page and uploaded the profile to the dating site. He smiled evilly to himself, rubbing his hands together. "Phase one: completed… This will teach her to hit me, to send away my Jakovasaurs, to question my authori-_tay_..." He hopped out of his chair and got on his backpack. "Now onto phase two."

* * *

"Butters… Hey, Butters… Goddammit, Butters, wake up!"

"Wha!" Butters jolted awake in his bed to see his window wide open. He held his blanket close to him and looked to the other side, seeing Cartman standing by his bed frowning at him. "Ahh! E-Eric? Wha-what are you doing in my bedroom?"

"Butters, shut the fuck up for a moment." Cartman took off his backpack and Butters fiddled with his hands nervously, staring at his bedroom door as Cartman took out a stack of papers. "Butters, Kat is very, _very_ sick."

"What?" Butters became alarmed. "Kat's sick? Uh, with what?"

Cartman took a dramatic pause and he sighed sadly. "I'm afraid she's sick with the She-Male disease."

"Oh… Oh…" Butters looked around awkwardly, tapping his hands together. "Um… I'm sorry, Eric, but Kat told me that there's no such thing as a She-Male disease and, uh… And that… Well… You're full of shit."

"Oh…" Cartman feigned being hurt and put a hand over his heart. "It's so sad that she's willing to insult one of her own friends to hide the pain…"

"Hide her pain?" Butters questioned raising an eyebrow.

"Here, read these," Cartman handed Butters the stack of papers and he began reading through them. "I did research on the She-Male disease after I found out she was diagnosed at birth." He walked away and Butters stared at his back surprised. "I… I found out that there was a doctor working on a cure. I tried to tell her about it, but she's in complete denial. I… I need to do what I can to help her, even if it means her hating me." He stared to the side as he waited for Butters' response.

"Wow…" Butters looked down at all the work he did. "You must really care about Kat."

Cartman only sighed and hung his head. "I know she doesn't care for me…"

Butters stared at Cartman sadly. "Well, shucks, Eric," he got out of his bed and walked up to him. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Cartman smiled evilly to himself.

* * *

Kat woke up the next morning to see Leonidas wasn't next to her. "Leonidas?" She sat up and looked around her room. She blinked as she saw her windows wide open with the curtains blowing in the cold wind. "Huh." She hopped out of bed and closed the window. There was a faint scratching sound and she went over to her bedroom door. She opened it up and stared down at Leonidas who was sitting in the hallway. "Leonidas? What are you doing?"

"Meow."

She raised an eyebrow confused. "What?" She stepped aside for her kitten to walk in. Leonidas walked over to her computer.

He sat down at it. "Meow."

"What!?" Kat went wide eyed and ran over to her computer. She looked behind the tower and exclaimed, "What the hell!" She came back out and called out, "Mom!"

"What is it, sweetie?" Her mother called back.

Ellen made her way upstairs and entered her room, seeing Kat in pajamas and her kitten sitting next to her. Kat gestured to her computer looking unhappy. "My Ethernet cable is missing."

"What?" Confused, her mother went over and got on her knees to check her computer. "That's strange... Huh," she stood back up. "Well, honey, you get ready for school and I'll see if it's somewhere in the house."

Kat sighed. "Yeah okay." Ellen left the room and Kat crossed her arms as she stared down at her kitten. "Okay, what happened exactly?"

"Meow."

Kat tilted her head confused. "A boy? Well, what did he look like?"

"Meow."

She frowned at him. "What do you mean 'you don't know it was too dark'? You're a cat! Don't you have night vision?" Leonidas frowned back at her and hissed. She rolled her eyes, "I realize it was pretty late, but what excuse is that?"

"Meow."

Kat sighed and walked over to her closet. "Yes, I know you at least tried to chase after him... Oh well, Mom will fix the problem." She changed her clothes and grabbed her backpack. Leonidas jumped up and relaxed on her bed as she went over to her desk to get her phone, but paused when she saw it wasn't there. She looked around confused and then turned to her kitten. "Where's my phone?"

"Meow."

"Oh, goddammit," Kat shoved her fists in her sweatshirt pocket annoyed. "That asshole took my Internet and my fucking phone? Fuck this kid; when I find him I'm so kicking his ass." Leonidas blinked after her as she stormed out the bedroom.

* * *

Kat stalked up to the bus stop and her friends blinked over at her seeing her grumpy look. "Kat?" Kyle asked. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm pissed off," she replied and they furrowed their brows up.

"What happened?" Stan asked.

"Well, **apparently **some jackass broke into my room through my window and took my Ethernet cable to my computer and stole my fucking phone!"

"[Woah, dude,]" Kenny muffled looking sympathetic. "[That sucks ass.]"

"Yeah, I know." She glanced at all of them for a moment, seeing Stan, Kyle and Kenny looking at her worried, but Cartman was just staring ahead of himself. She narrowed her eyes at him. "Hey, fatass."

She got his attention and he glared back at her. "Don't call me fat, she-male."

"Did you steal my cable and phone?"

He raised an eyebrow at her confused. "Why are you asking me?"

"Answer the goddamn question, Cartman!" She yelled at him and they all leaned away from her a little.

"Chill, brah," Cartman raised a hand up at her. "Why would I break into _your_ room and take _your_ stuff? It's covered in she-male bacteria."

"Dammit, Cartman," Kyle glared at him. "Kat isn't a she-male, she's a girl."

"What would Jews know about she-males?" Cartman retorted haughtily.

"[Kyle's just defending her because he has a crush on her,]" Kenny said and then laughed as Kyle blushed.

Kat blinked and she and Stan stared at Kyle as he stammered, "N-no I don't dude, Cartman's just an idiot and I'm sick of his shit, that's all."

"Oh, whatever, forget Cartman," Kat said and shoved her hands in her pocket. Kyle's blush faded away as they watched her glare in anger. "After I find the kid that did this then I'm going to beat him so hard he'll start having flashbacks to Vietnam."

The boys glanced at each other concerned as the bus pulled up. Kyle jumped into the back seat with Stan and stared at his lap. Stan furrowed his brows up and said, "Dude, why don't you just tell Kat you like her? It's not that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal?" Kyle questioned back incredulously. "Dude, not only is she smart and beautiful and sane, but she's my friend now, too! If I tell her I like her, then everything could be ruined!"

Stan glanced away and then stared at his friend. "Well... Or..." He shrugged. "She might not care and it's cool."

Kyle stared at him horrified. "It's cool if I have my heart broken!?"

"N-no, dude," Stan quickly waved it off. "That's not what I meant. Listen, let's just get through the school day, okay?"

* * *

Wendy was at her locker when Kat dragged Bebe up to her. "Wendy," she said and she turned around. She released Bebe, "I need your guys' help."

"What's up?" Bebe asked.

"Some boy broke into my room and stole my Ethernet cable and iPhone. You guys have this huge network, right? I need your help to figure out who it was so I can kick his ass and get my stuff back."

The two girls glanced at each other and Wendy asked, "Did you talk to Cartman?"

Kat sighed and glared to the side. "I mentioned it to him at the bus stop, but he didn't seem suspicious."

"Hey, don't worry," Wendy said and they smiled at her. "Leave it to us. We'll figure out who broke into your room."

Kat smiled at them. "Thanks you guys."

The bell rang and they hurried to the classroom. Kat took her seat between the two girls and as Mr. Garrison began teaching the class, Kat looked around the room at all the boys. She made eye contact with Timmy and he waved at her. She gave a polite smile back and then continued to scan the room. Kyle glanced at her, but then quickly looked back at Mr. Garrison. Stan was staring at the teacher looking beyond bored, Cartman has his hands folded on his desk as he listened politely. That wasn't normal. Cartman looked over at her and raised an eyebrow. She glared back at him, but he only rolled his eyes and turned back to the teacher. She stared at him incredulously. What the fuck was wrong with him!? He didn't make any nasty face or vulgar gesture, hold up signs that insulted her, and wasn't sleeping through Mr. Garrison's lecture. He **had **to be up to something.

"Katherine?" Kat jumped as she snapped her attention back to Mr. Garrison. He held out Mr. Hat to her and her expression went flat. "Stop staring at Eric and focus on the board," Mr. Hat said.

She blushed from embarrassment as the class snickered and sunk in her seat. "Yes, Mr. Garrison..."

"I didn't say anything, Katherine," Mr. Garrison said and gestured to his puppet. "It was Mr. Hat. Be respectful."

Oh Christ on a stick. "Yes, Mr. Hat," she forced out, her blush still burning. Mr. Garrison resumed his lesson and Kat resumed glancing around the room for any suspicious peoples. Cartman was on the top of her list for sure, but what could possibly be his motive? (Besides being an ass.) Craig caught her staring and flipped her off. Clyde was writing, Jimmy was listening to the teacher, Butters was... She narrowed her eyes and discreetly watched as he was grinning like an idiot. He glanced at Cartman a few times before glancing at her. Did that little Melvin know something? She sat back in her chair, watching Mr. Garrison write on the board. It would be easy enough to get information out of him.

Class was released for recess and Cartman was making his way towards a group of boys waiting for him as he examined the football he selected. "E-Eric!" Cartman stopped and looked to his side as Butters ran up to him with a grin on his face.

Cartman closed his eyes as he resisted an irritated sigh and calmly asked, "What is it, Butters?"

Kyle was watching them annoyed as Stan sighed and rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's just get the ball from him," he said and Kyle walked with him towards the pair.

"Isn't it great!?" Butters asked enthusiastically.

Cartman raised an eyebrow at him confused as Kyle and Stan approached. "What's great?

Butters wrung his hands together, unable to hold in his joy. He then flung his arms out and proclaimed, "Kat likes you!"

Kyle and Stan stopped in their tracks as they stared in horror. Cartman stared at Butters for a long moment. Kyle then screamed and they turned their heads to see him run away. "Kyle!" Stan chased after him.

Cartman only sighed and hung his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. He muttered under his breath, "Butters, you're so goddamn stupid..."

Butters stared after Kyle and Stan confused. "Hey, why'd Kyle scream and run?" He then looked back to see Cartman hanging his head, rubbing his eyes. It then dawned on him. "Oh my gosh, Kyle likes Kat! And you knew! Oh man," he became worried as he wrung his hands again. "I-I didn't know that no one knew you liked Kat, Eric, golly, you're a true friend for trying to let Kat and Kyle get together. I guess I screwed up..."

Cartman only sighed heavily again, refusing to lift his head. "As long as I have her Ethernet cable and phone locked in my closet, then we shouldn't have any problems," he finally said, more to assure himself than Butters. Ruining Kyle's life in any way shape or form was a good plus as well.

"Oh yeah, about that..." Cartman looked up at him. If Kat knew her things were hidden in his house because of this naive shit then he would kill him. Butters shifted uncomfortably and he glanced around. "I still don't know why you had me break into her room and steal her things. It seems kind of odd to do to someone you like."

"Butters," Cartman got in his face and became serious, keeping his voice down. "It's the most important part. If she gets on her Facebook or email- if people use those, or sees that she's getting phone calls from the research facility, then she'll know I submitted her paperwork and she'd..." Cartman sighed again and stared at the ground sadly. "She'd hate me."

"Oh, don't worry about that, Eric," Butters smiled. "I won't tell her a word. It's for her health after all."

"Her **life, **Butters. Her very **life **depends on this."

"No worries!" Butters saluted him before skipping off.

Cartman then smiled and chuckled. "Man, what an idiot." He then continued on to the group of boys.

* * *

"Dude, calm down!" Stan caught up to Kyle in the hall and jumped out in front of him, forcing him to stop.

"Y-You heard him!" Kyle practically shouted, gaining the attention of passing students.

Stan grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him to look him in the eye. "I heard Butters talking about things that he knows nothing about." Kyle took controlled breaths, his eyes still wide from panic. "Butters is an idiot, dude. Cartman doesn't care for anyone besides himself."

"What's going on?" They turned their heads to see Kat staring at them with a brow raised.

Kyle quickly turned to her, "Kat-"

"Kat!" She turned from him to face Butters. He ran up and hugged her, making her blink and go stiff.

"... Get off me."

"Oh, Kat," Butters pulled away with a tear in his eye. "I know it hurts now, but it'll get better, you'll see! Eric's looking out for you."

Kat then narrowed her eyes dangerously as she stared past him. "Cartman..." He had to be up to something. Without a word she marched off down the hall.

Butters turned to Stan and Kyle, sighing happily. "Isn't Eric the best?"

Kyle gripped his head and screamed, running away again. "Dammit, Butters!" Stan shouted at him and then ran after Kyle.

Butters only stared after them confused. "Was it something I said?"

* * *

Out in the snowy playground, the remaining boys got into formation to play football. Token held the ball as Cartman crouched behind him. "44 green! 44 green!"

Token glanced back at him annoyed. "Dude, what does that play even mean?"

Cartman stood and shouted at him, "It means I throw the ball and you run like a black man out of prison, Token!"

"Dammit, Cartman!" Token spun around and readied to hit him, but Kat's furious voice stopped him.

"There you are!" All the boys groaned in annoyance and broke out of formation. She ignored them and Token backed off as she marched right up to Cartman. She grabbed him by the collar of his jacket. "I know you're up to something, fatass, and you better tell me now before I beat it out of you!"

Cartman put his hands up and played innocent. "Dude, Kat, I honestly don't know what you're getting at."

Then the boys all began to chant, "Cartman and Katherine sitting in a tree," Cartman and Kat turned to stare at them. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" They laughed as Kat pushed Cartman away. She screamed in frustration as a blush burned her face.

The bell then rang and she pointed at him threateningly. "This isn't over, Fatman!" As she walked away, Cartman only smiled to himself and followed.

* * *

After school was out, Kat walked by herself towards the bus still fuming. Cartman wasn't a jackass for the rest of school which was unusual, and Kyle wasn't his normal self either, but... No, she could trust Kyle. "E-excuse me?" She stopped and looked up at a Hispanic woman with a square jaw and a lot of makeup on, her long black hair flopped to one side. She sounded like a man. "Are you Katherine Schumer?"

"Fuck off," Kat promptly replied and got on her bus. She wasn't in the mood to deal with people right now. Once the bus stopped by her house she got off, still glaring at the ground.

"Excuse me?" Kat stopped short and blinked up at the same woman from the school. "I didn't mean to offend you earlier. I just need to know if your Katherine Schumer."

Kat raised an eyebrow and eyed her up and down. Her breasts were a little flat for such a low cut red dress. "Didn't I see you by the school? How the hell did you beat a bus here?"

"I-uh," she glanced away and then shrugged, smiling uneasily with her large mouth. "I'm a fast runner?"

Kat was unconvinced. "Who the fuck are you? Michael Duane Johnson?"

"My name is Aisha Tyler," she replied.

Kat tilted her head confused and eyed her again. "You got the tall thing down, but you don't look like her at all."

"I'm black."

They stared at each other for a long moment. Kat then raised one finger and said, "One, you're Hispanic at best." She raised a second finger. "Two, you're racist." She then flipped her off. "Three, fuck off, Tyler."

She ran off to the front door of her house and Aisha raced after her, "Wait! I need to know if-!" She was stopped at the steps after Kat slammed the door in her face.

"Katherine?" Her mother came down the stairs with a basket of dirty laundry. "Was there someone at the door?"

"Just some missionaries," Kat waved it off as Leonidas ran up to greet her. "Hey, Leonidas."

"Meow!"

"Honey, I'm afraid I haven't been able to find your Ethernet cable," Ellen added as she disappeared under the stairs to the laundry room.

"No worries, mom," Kat called as she headed up the stairs. "I'll find it." She reached in her sweatshirt pocket for the un-teenth time and bit down her scream of frustration when she didn't find her phone. Entering her bedroom, she stopped and stared at her window, seeing Aisha tapping on the glass. She walked over and closed the curtains.

Leonidas jumped onto her bed and curled up. "Meow?"

"No idea," she replied and jumped onto her chair at her desk. Before turning on her computer she hissed, "Damn." She then check her pocket again and screamed, "Goddammit!" She pushed away from her desk and threw her backpack at the wall. "I guess I'll read a goddamn book or something!"

"Meow."

"Shut up!"

* * *

[I don't plan on doing every episode throughout the show. Some episodes aren't really relevant to the four amigos and there's not much screen time, also I will be trying to incorporate my own original chapters (as you see going on). Of course if any of my darling readers/reviewers have requests or ideas then you can submit them in the comments or PM me, either way I check my email frequently.

I love writing this fanfic, and the other fanfic stories I have, but I've also wanted to work on a book of my own for some time, but I barely have the time. With work and errands and chores, the two days off I have are busy, as well as writing my fanfiction throughout the week every chance I get.

I've started a GoFundMe page, and the link is this: /vjqaz8

(You most likely won't be able to copy paste from this page)

But it's to help me take time off from the job that I hate so I can focus on writing my own story. If anyone can or is willing to donate, then thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Sorry for the long A/N, so here's a potato.]

(Potato)


	5. Fatman Strikes

The next day Kat slept in thanks to the no school day. When she did she shot upright, startling Leonidas off the bed. He hissed at her as she jumped out of bed and ran to her computer. She checked behind the tower. "Dammit," she then hopped in her chair and checked her desk. "Dammit!"

Leonidas tiled his head and said, "Meow."

"I still have no Internet and no phone," she replied and spun her chair around to face him. She had bags under her eyes and stress lines. "I have no idea what my friends are up to."

"Meow."

"I KNOW," she snapped and he jumped. "I know," she pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. "I know I have friends here, but you don't understand the need of Internet and phone. You don't know."

Leonidas walked over to the window and jumped up to the sill. He looked out at the front of the house and said, "Meow."

She looked up at him confused. "What?"

"Meow."

He looked back at her as she hopped off her chair and walked over. She looked out her window and blinked, seeing that Aisha woman from yesterday. She was in a sleeping bag in her front yard. "What the hell is wrong with that woman?"

"Meow?" Leonidas tilted his head at her.

"I have no idea who she is," she replied as she went to change her clothes. "She followed me home yesterday and kept asking me if I was Katherine Schumer."

Leonidas went wide eyed, his tail thrashing. "Meow?"

"Eh, I'm not that concerned." She pulled on her sweatshirt and then headed for the door. "Later!" Leonidas' ears flatted out as she left the room and then gazed back down at Aisha. Suddenly the woman's eyes opened to show a solid neon green color and he hissed before fleeing.

* * *

The Aisha Tyler woman disappeared into her sleeping bag and pulled out a spherical device from her pocket and pressed a button on it. Her neon green eyes glowed in the darkness and a small blue hologram came up of a man. "Ah, 'Aisha'. How is your progress on capturing the she-male child?"

"No progress yet, sir," she replied. "She refuses to confirm her name."

The man narrowed his eyes dangerously. "Remember, you must capture that albino Xartan and bring it back to our ship, or else I'll have your hide!"

"Yes, sir," she nodded and the hologram shrunk back into the device. She pocketed it again and peeked out her sleeping back, her green eyes morphing into human eyes as she watched Kat walking away down the sidewalk.

* * *

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were playing basketball at the town park and Kat walked up to them. "Hey, guys."

They paused their game and Kyle smiled at her. "Hey, Kat!"

"Hey," Stan replied and Kat stuck her hands in her pocket, looking around the court.

"Where's Cartman?"

Kyle went wide eyed in fear as Stan shrugged and replied, "Don't know, don't care. Wanna play?"

"Eh," she shrugged, "Sure."

He tossed the ball to her and she caught it. She the two of them faced off Kenny asked, "[Did you find your phone or cable?]"

"Nope," she tossed the ball over to him and he caught it. Kyle then faced off with him as he dribbled. She hurried over and blocked Stan off from them and continued, "And I can't get any updates on the progress of the girl squad without them, so."

"Girl squad?" Kyle questioned. Kenny made the shot and Kyle jumped up, smacking the ball out of the air and taking it for himself.

"It's a girl thing," Kat replied as Stan began blocking her from Kyle. "Not that I understand it all myself."

Kyle went for the shot, but Kat darted around Stan and knocked the ball down. "Excuse me!" Hearing the too familiar sound of the oddly deep female voice Kat sighed heavily in annoyance.

The boys stopped the game and turned to the horse face of the woman approaching them. "What do you want," Stan asked suspiciously.

Aisha only passed them and walked up to Kat, who was pinching the bridge of her nose again. "I'm sorry to bother you again,"

"So don't."

"But I must ask,"

"No, you don't."

"Is your name Katherine Schumer?"

Kat gave a long sigh before glaring up at her annoyed. "Listen, Aisha was it? What do you want?"

"W-Well," she glanced around at the boys nervously before replying, "I saw your profile on she-males dating she-males and I was interested in a date with you."

Everyone stared at her and Kenny busted out laughing, holding his stomach. Kat blinked and replied, "I'm sorry, but you **have **to be looking for a different Katherine Schumer. Why the **hell **would I post a profile on she-males dating she-males."

"Um..." The woman blinked down at her. "Because you're a she-male...?"

"Oh," Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Wow."

Kat closed her eyes to contain her rage. "Goddammit, Cartman..."

"Wait..." Kyle brought a hand to his chin as Kenny continued to laugh. "You lost your Internet and phone... and Cartman's the only one to call you she-male..."

Aisha gasped as she stared at Kyle. "So, it is true!" She glared back at Kat. "You are she-male Katherine Schumer!"

"Oh, my god!" Kat glared back up at her annoyed. "Listen, lady, I'm not-!" Aisha took out a taser gun from her pocket and shot her in the chest. Kat was knocked off her feet and landed on her back twitching, the ball slowly rolling away from her.

Kenny stopped laughing. "Oh my god!" Kyle shouted as they all stared wide eyed.

"Dude!" Stan shouted as well.

Aisha took out a walkie-talkie and said into it, "This is Aisha, I have captured the she-male Katherine Schumer. I am in sector, uh... I'm at the playground. Come in for immediate extract!"

"Oh my god!" Kyle shouted again from sheer shock.

"Dude!" Stan repeated. "What the hell are you doing!?"

Aisha glanced to the side, remembering they were there. "Uh..." She turned around and put the walkie-talkie away, smirking at them uneasily. "You see, I'm a part of a... She-male hate group?"

"What!?" Kyle and Stan continued to stare at her in utter shock as she changed the taser wires. "What the hell are you talking about!?" Kyle screamed. "She's not-"

A white van suddenly crashed through the chain link fence speeding towards them. Stan and Kyle screamed as they ran out of the way while Kenny remained frozen in fear. The van hit the brakes and the tires screeched against the pavement, creating black streaks as it swung around in front of Aisha. Kenny blinked back to reality and managed to jump out of the way before he was run over. Stan and Kyle looked back to see Aisha toss Kat into the back of the van. "Kat!"

They ran back for the van, but Aisha took out her taser again and shot at them. They dove to the sides and dodged the wires, but they flew by and stabbed Kenny in his eyes. Kenny gave out a scream, blood flying from his face before his eyes popped. He then dropped dead and his friends looked back at him wide eyed. "Oh my god! She killed Kenny!"

"You-!" The van tires squealed again and they looked back to see the van drive off. "Bastards!"

"Come on!" Stan got up and helped Kyle to his feet. "We gotta follow them!"

* * *

"Lu lu lu," Butters sang softly to himself as he played with his car toys on the sidewalk. "Lu lu lu, hold on there, mister! You were speeding! O-oh, well, you won't catch me!" He moved his little white car to drift and he distinctly heard tires screeching. He paused and stared at his toy, not hearing the sound. He then continued and heard the screech again only louder. He sat back from his toy and stared at it strangely. "What the-" A white van flew by a little too closely to the sidewalk and Butters flew back into a mound of snow. "H-Hamburgers!" He watched with wide eyed as the van swerved and bounced around the road over the hill.

"Butters!" Butters turned his head to see Kyle and Stan running up to him looking equally as panicked.

He scrambled to his feet to meet them. "What the heck is going on, guys?"

They stopped and leaned over to catch their breath. Stan managed to get back up and huff, "Dude, Butters, we need your wheels,"

"M-My tricycle?"

"Yes your tricycle!" Kyle practically screamed at him, causing him to flinch.

"B-But," he tapped his hands nervously as he glanced at his house. "My dad said that if I let friends borrow my ride then I'll get grounded. Though..." He stared at the ground thoughtfully. "He said friends in a strange way... And he was drinking a lot..."

"Butters!" Stand shouted at him angrily. "Kat was kidnapped!"

"W-What!?" Butters looked back down the road, seeing black streaks on the street from the van. "Does that white van have her!?"

"YES!" They both shouted at him.

They then ran for his house's open garage and hijacked his tricycle. Stan took the wheel and Kyle jumped onto the back, helping him get momentum down the driveway. Butters could only watch as they drifted into the street, making their own screeching noises, and peddled after the van. He blinked after them, and then gasped. "Oh no! I have to tell Eric!" Butters ran as fast as he could down the road to Cartman's green house. "Eric!" He ran up to the front door and pounded on it. "Eric!"

Cartman opened up the door and raised an eyebrow at him, munching loudly on cheesy poofs. "What jammed up your ass?"

"Eric, Kat was kidnapped!"

Cartman paused with his mouth open ready to eat a fistful of snacks."... What did you say?"

"Kat was kidnapped!" Butters repeated in a panic. "She was taken in a white van!" Cartman stuffed his fist back in the bag, staring to the side thoughtfully. This was better than he expected. "Stan and Kyle are chasing after her captors right now!"

"What?"

"Yeah! Quick, Eric!" Butters ran out back to the lawn. "We gotta get your ride!"

He raised an eyebrow again. "Um... Why?"

"Well... Because!" Butters turned to him. "You love Kat, don't you?"

Cartman narrowed his eyes at him. If he said no then Butters might become suspicious. "Well..." He glanced to the side. "Seeing as how Stan and Kyle are after her already I don't see a _need _for me to join them..."

"Well, don't you _want _to go save her?" Butters questioned.

Cartman hesitated. "Oh, shoot! I-I just remembered, I need to go talk to the research facility working on the cure for she-male disease!" He stepped back and grabbed the door. "I'm sure you can go help Stan and Kyle."

"But-!" He slammed the door shut.

Cartman then hurried up the stairs with his cheesy poof bag, running back into his room. Panting, he climbed into his chair and got onto his computer. He typed furiously and got the She-Male date website and contacted the admin. A private chat box popped up and he typed: [What the hell happened to inconspicuousness!?]

The name Anonymous popped up and responded: [Is your information reliable?]

[Of course it's fucking reliable! Why would you kidnap someone if you didn't think it was reliable? Okay, forget that, what the fuck is wrong with you dragging in attention!? You have a couple of little douchbags that witnessed you kidnapping the she-male!]

On the other end of the chat, a man dressed in a suit and tie sat at his desk, several other men behind him in the same room at their own computers. His boss walked up behind him with his mug of coffee and leaned on the backrest of his chair, staring at his chat. "Who are you speaking with, Smith?"

"Oh," he glanced back at him and replied, "Just some fat kid in South Park, Colorado. He turned in a She-Male to us just the other day and our men picked her up." He typed away and replied to Cartman: [She's in professional hands. There won't be an issue.]

Cartman hastily replied: [Fuck you no issue! You risk letting me get known that I'm involved! I want a bigger reward!]

Smith furrowed his brows up. "Um, sir?" He glanced back at his boss again. "He's demanding a larger reward."

"Damn kid's breaking my balls," he grumbled to himself. He gesture to the screen, "Well, tell him we'll give it."

Smith seemed unsure. "Sir?"

"We can't afford the risk of someone snitching on us to the government," his boss explained and Smith replied to Cartman. "With everyone becoming more 'non-prejudice', and society frowning upon 'hateful murder' fewer people are turning in She-Males to us. I'll talk to the guys upstairs about more money." With that he walked away and went up the stairs.

Smith replied to Cartman: [You will be given a larger reward. Remember, if you have another She-Male in your neighborhood, don't be afraid to turn her in to us.]

Back on the other end, Cartman just smiled to himself. "Sweeeeeet. I'm going to buy a pool and bathe in my blood money." He then hopped off and went back downstairs to his television.

Back at the Hate-She-Male Club, the boss closed the door to his office upstairs and sat down at his computer. He went to Skype and called 'Mr. Boss'. The call was picked up, but as the boss started the video chat, the other end was just a black picture. "What is it, Johnson?" The warp voice replied.

"We have a kid in South Park, Colorado demanding a bigger reward," Johnson replied. "Apparently the pickup crew drew in unwanted attention and the boy feels his identity threatened."

"South Park, Colorado... For the She-Male girl Katherine Schumer?"

"Something like that," Johnson took a sip of his coffee.

The warped voice made a heavy sigh. "This kid's breaking my balls... Very well, we'll send in more money for the boy. Now, bring us more She-Males."

"On it, sir," Johnson replied and the call ended.

* * *

Stan huffed and puffed looking exhausted as he continued to pedal after the white van. The white van was speeding, but it was spending so much time dramatically swerving in the road to dodge pebbled and litter that the boys were able to keep up. "Come on, Stan!" Kyle encouraged.

"Hey, how about, you drive?" Stan panted, glancing back at him annoyed.

"I can't, man," Kyle replied helplessly. "I need my strength so I can rescue her!" Stan just rolled his eyes and continued pedaling.

* * *

Kat groaned as she fluttered her eyes open. "What the-?" She yelped as the van swerved hard as she tumbled off the bench onto the floor. She shook her head and quickly took in her surroundings. She was in the back of a van, which was obvious by the back doors and the sound of the engine. It was bare in the back besides Aisha, who was glaring at her, sitting on the bench, and another woman looking almost exactly like her aiming a gun at her. "Wha!" She screamed and backed up against the van doors. She then looked down at her hands and saw she was handcuffed. "W-What the hell!?" The tires screeched as they drifted again and Kat yelped, tumbling to the other side of the van. "What the fuck is going on!?" She screamed in aggravation. "Is my dad trying to kidnap me again!?"

"Shut up, She-Male," the woman with the gun spat. Good god they even sounded the same.

Kat rolled back up to a sitting position and blew her bangs up annoyed, glaring at the two women. "All right, we have the ugly Aisha Tyler wannabe, now who the fuck are you? And why the hell do you have a gun!?" The van swerved again and she yelped as she tumbled again.

"Her name is none of your business," Aisha replied. "And nothing's going to matter to you soon enough."

"I BEG TO FUCKING DIFFER," Kat shouted from t he ground, and let herself get thrown around as the van continued to swerve uncontrollably.

The woman with the gun smirked. "Soon enough, Katherine Schumer, you'll be dead."

Kat managed to sit up and stared in horror. "Are you serious!?" Neither of them replied as they stared at her. "FOR FUCKS SAKE!" She shouted at the roof of the van. "I WANT TO LEAVE THIS TOWN!"

Kat refused to resist the van anymore and let herself get thrown around. When they did come to a stop, the breaks were slammed and Kat flew to the front of the van, slamming into the wall. "GODAMMIT."

"We're here," Aisha said as she stood.

Kat was slouched against the wall upside down, glaring at her. "Fucking dandy." Aisha clipped on a dog leash to the chain of her handcuffs and dragged her out of the van. Kat fell into the snow and struggled to get her feet as Aisha continued to drag her. Once she did, she shook the snow out of her hair and looked up. She gaped as the obsidian windowless building that was nothing more than a very large very tall black brick. "Where _are _we?"

"At headquarters," Aisha replied.

The gunner walked up to the smooth wall of the building, and coming closer to it, Kat could see green veins in the stone. The woman slammed the butt of her gun on the wall, and a large rectangular section popped in. The sound of grinding stone set Kat's teeth on edge as it slid away, revealing an opening into the building. Walking in, everything looking like it was out of a sy-fy movie, with the metal panels and lights leading different paths, the computers and with everyone in grey skin suits.

"And everyone looks the goddamn same!" Kat exclaimed as she stared around wide eyed. There were Aisha's **everywhere**.

The only normal thing was the large and fancy fountain in the middle of the room. "Come," Aisha yanked on her leash and dragged her to the back of the room. They stepped on a large hovering panel and the gunner woman walked up to a small control panel. Kat watched her closely, seeing her type in a number on the hologram interface. She then yelped as the platform shot up.

* * *

"Dude, what are we looking at?"

Stan and Kyle followed the van easily enough off road onto the snow. They witnessed the twin women drag Kat into the ominous black tower and the door slid back shut into a smooth surface. "Are we even out of the town yet?" Kyle asked. "How is this legal? Why haven't there been any community meetings on this?"

"Because the adults are idiots, dude," Stan replied. "We can't count on them. We need to figure out a way to get Kat out of there."

They abandoned Butters' ride and ran up to the building. "There's no windows," Kyle noted at they stared up the massive tower. "How does air circulate?"

"Maybe there's a vent at the top?"

"There's not even a fire escape." Kyle walked up to the black wall and examined it, seeing the green veins in the obsidian. "_Hiya_!" He shouted as he kicked the wall as hard as he could.

The stone shifted and they both backed away staring at it with wide eyes. It grinded as it slid open for them. They glanced at each other before going inside. They regretted it immediately after, through, because when they walked in, the numerous clones of Aisha halted and stared at them. They froze and looked around with wide eyes. "Um... Kyle?" Stan said, "Maybe... We should came back with a plan." They took a step back, but the stone door slid back in place.

"Oh no!" Kyle shouted.

"Albinos!" The boys looked back confused at the gathering mass of Aishas. They were all glared at them with hate.

"Albinos?" Kyle questioned.

"We're not albino, we're just white," Stan explained, putting his hands up as they backed away from them.

Their backs were pressed against the black wall as the woman were slowly closing in on them.

* * *

Kat grunted as she was thrown on the ground. "Ah... So she is the one." Aisha pulled on the leash and Kat chocked and coughed, getting pulled to her knees. She shot her a glare, but then stared up at the woman in front of her. It was another Aisha, shocker, but this one was dressed in an elegant black dress and sitting in a throne. "Welcome, Katherine Schumer... Or might I say fellow Xartan?"

"Might you say what?" Kat stared at her helplessly confused. "What the hell is a Xartan?"

The sound of the elevator caused them to look back, and Kat's eyes went wide when she saw Kyle and Stan get pushed to the ground by the other Aishas. "Stan! Kyle!"

"Kat!" Kyle shouted, but an Aisha stepped on his back and kept him to the ground.

"My Lord," the two Aisha guards bowed their heads. "We have captured two albinos that broke into our tower in attempts to rescue their fellow albino."

"We're not albino, dammit!" Stan shouted up at them.

"Well done," their lord said and gestured for them to enter the room. Kyle and Stan were dragged across the floor and forced on their knees on either side of Kat.

She whispered to them, "Do you guys know what's going on?"

"We thought you would know," Kyle whispered back.

"It was foolish of you, Xartan," the Lord Lady said to Kat, "To think you were safe on this planet. We've been scouring every corner of this galaxy to find the last of you filthy albinos-"

"-Wait- wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait." Kat narrowed her eyes up at her. "This is a huge misunderstanding."

"It is no misunderstanding!" The Lord Lady rose to her feet. "Now I will only give you one chance, Albino. Give us the whereabouts of the remaining Albino Xartan on this planet and we may let you live."

"Live?" Stan questioned with wide eyes. "Do you plan on killing us!?"

"We will cleanse the living world of you albinos," Aisha said and yanked on Kat's leash again, making her chock and cough.

"We have no fucking idea what you're talking about!" Kyle shouted at them. "What the hall are Xartans!? We are not albino Xartans! We are white humans!"

"We found your profile, Katherine Schumer," the Lord Lady said. "You fell for such an obvious trap."

Kat stared up at her bizarrely for a moment. "... What trap!? What profile!? What are you talking about!?" The two Aisha holding Kyle and Stan down glanced at each other unsure.

The Lord Lady was becoming visibly annoyed. "On the She-Male date website," she replied through clenched teeth. "We hired humans that hate your kind as much as we do to set up the site as a trap. It was a long shot, but it appears it worked out in the end."

"Wait, let me get this straight," Kyle cut in. "You guys are Xartans, and you're hunting down and killing the albino Xartans. And you had humans set up a she-male date sight to lure in refugee Xartans?"

"Precisely," the Lord Lady nodded.

The three kids looked at each other. "So..." Kat looked up at her curiously. "Your entire race is She-Males?"

"Indeed," the Lord Lady nodded to Aisha.

The kids looked back at the woman and she suddenly lifted her red dress and flashed her genitalia. They all shouted in disgusted and turned away. "My eyes!" Stan cried out as Kyle heaved.

"Um... My Lord?" One of the other Aisha's said carefully. "I don't think these are the Xartans we're looking for..."

The Lord Lady studied their reactions as Aisha put her dress back down. Kat eventually recovered and said, "Look, Aisha number twenty-three, I am not a she-male albino Xartan. I am a white human female from Earth. And I did not post that damn profile. I don't even know who the fuck would do that!"

The Lord Lady brought a hand to her chin thoughtfully. She then turned around and a large screen came down from the ceiling. "Contact the human Johnson!"

* * *

Johnson sat at his desk drinking his coffee still when Skype popped up on his computer. He answered the call, "Yes, sir?"

The filtered male voice cleared his throat awkwardly. "Johnson, who was that boy again? The one who turned in the she-male Katherine Schumer?"

"Oh , uh..." he thought about it for a moment. "That would be Eric Cartman from South Park, Colorado, sir."

"Very well, thank you." The call then ended.

* * *

Kyle was red in the face from anger while Stan was just shaking his head. Kat was oddly still as the Lord Lady turned back to them. She sad back down in her throne and cleared her throat again. "Well... This is awkward."

"Of course this is Cartman's fault!" Kyle shouted. "He stole your cell phone and Ethernet cable so you couldn't find out that he posted a profile of you on She-Males finding She-Males!"

Stan glanced at Kat worried. "Um... Kat?"

Kat then smiled up at the Lord Lady. "Let's forget for a second that what you Xartans are doing is fucked up and awful... If you drop us off at Eric Cartman's house, we'll forget this ever happened."

"We will?" The boys questioned.

"YES WE GODDAMN WILL!" She screamed and they flinched.

"Deal." The Lady Lord waved them off and the kids yelped as the Aisha's dragged them away back to the elevator.

They were dragged carelessly out of the building and through the snow, tossed into the back of the van again. Snow was kicked up as the driver floored it. The van swerved uncontrollably as it tore through the snow and made its way back to the road.

* * *

Cartman was sitting on his couch eating his KFC when there was a knock on the door. "MOM! ANSWER THE GODDAMN DOOR!"

His mother's meek voice was muffled from the upstairs. "I can't right now, poopiekins! Would you be a dear and get that for mommy?"

"Oh, goddammit," Cartman threw his half eaten chicken leg back in its bucket. "I have to do EVERYTHING AROUND HERE!" He shouted as he jumped off the couch. "What are you even doing!? That maintenance guy is fixing the damn plumbing, not you." He opened the front door and his angry face fell. Kyle, Stan and Kat were all glaring. Keeping his face neutral he said, "Hey, guys, what's up?" Kat marched in and shoved him aside. "Wha- hey!" Stan and Kyle moved in right behind her and Cartman followed them angrily. "What the hell are you guys doing!?" Kat ignored him and marched up the stairs. Cartman huffed as he chased them up the stairs, then went wide eyed in panic as they all went into his room. Taking on a kinder tone he said, "Hey now, guys, I'm sure whatever this is we can work it out!"

He followed them into his room and then froze. Kat slid open his closet and pulled out an Ethernet cable and an IPhone. The three of them glared at him and he opened his mouth, but Kat interrupted, "If you say they're spares, I will throw you out your window."

He closed his mouth. "... Well Butters was the one who stole them from you."

"GODDAMMIT, FATMAN!" Stan and Kyle went wide eyed as Kat abandoned her things and lunged at him. Cartman tried to cry for help, but his mother was too busy to come to his aid.

The two boys watched in awe as she kicked the shit out of Cartman. Kyle then threw up on the floor from sheer emotions, grossing Stan out. "Dude!"

"I can't help it, dude," Kyle said to him. "That's love!"

"HELP ME GUYS! SERIOUSLY!"

* * *

[WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN.]

Kat stared flatly at Alek's comment on her post, declaring she had returned. "Why should I try?" She wondered aloud. Leonidas lifted his head and meowed from her bed in response. She rolled her eyes. "Rhetorical question." She could just suck it up and be totally honest. Explaining the Xartan race and the she-male group, but they wouldn't believe her. Like with the Jakovasaurs. She sighed and went with the short story: [That Fatman kid stole my Ethernet cable and IPhone.]

Aaron commented: [Totally gay.]

Jordan concurred: [Lame.]

Kat stared flatly. Blake commented: [How could you let someone do that? Especially Fatman?]

[I DIDN'T let him.] she explained to them.

Alek only repeated: [ESPECIALLY FATMAN.] And everyone liked his comment.

She sighed. [You know, I learned something today. Sometimes the truth shouldn't be said and can cause more harm than good.]

Dustin commented: [What the hell are you talking about?]

"Oh goddammit." She quickly typed: [GOING TO BED NOW.] and got off the computer that she suddenly had no interest in anymore.


	6. Sexual Harassment

A/N - I am so sorry, I am a piece of poop. I didn't finish the chapter yesterday so I'm posting this a day late. I am so sorry.

Kat jumped up into the chair at the dining table, a plate of bacon and eggs already at the table waiting for her. She didn't touch her food, taking glances at her mother as she ate without a care. She stared down at her sunny side up eggs and sighed. "Mom..."

"Yes, sweetie?"

Leonidas walked over and curled up beneath Kat's chair. She stared down at him and sighed again. "So... How are you liking the town?"

"It's a quaint town," she replied, "And I like that. I prefer small communities, and I'm already making friends here. Liane, your friend Eric's mother," Both Kat and Leonidas rolled their eyes at 'friend', "may be strange, but she's a nice woman. The Marsh's are very generous and I think Sheila Broflovski is a colorful character. Chef is such the gentleman as well." Ellen then hesitated, staring at her food. "With a small town some... Interesting information about your neighbors is bound to be heard... But I think this place is a good fit for us."

Kat grimaced. She then took her iPhone out of her sweatshirt pocket and commented on Facebook under the table: [It's a no go.]

Alek was quick to comment back: [Did you mention how that perfect quiet mountain town is driving you insane?]

Kat glared at her phone screen. [I'm not insane, dick.]

[If I'm a dick then you're a bitch.]

Aaron then jumped in: [Oh, wait...]

Kat rolled her eyes. [Alek's a dick, I'm a bitch, and Aaron's a faggot.]

Blake added: [And Jordan's fat.]

Jordan retorted: [So are you, you frothing cockmaster.]

Dustin commented: [Holy shit did Jordan get some balls!?]

Kat shook her head at her friends. [All right, while you all have your little cock fight I'll just be drowning in the white bread, redneck, alien infested mountain town snow.]

Alek commented: [Melodramatic much?]

[Dick.]

[Bitch.]

Aaron jumped in again: [Aaron!]

Then everyone at once commented back: [FAG!] Kat smiled as she liked the other comments and they liked hers, besides Aaron.

Ellen watched her daughter and sighed. "Katherine, eat your food before it gets cold."

* * *

After Kat finished her breakfast and got her backpack she headed out of the house. As she walked down the path from her house to the sidewalk, she stopped dead in her tracks. A towel- a blue towel with white stripes was _walking _along the sidewalk. It had arms, legs, and blood-shot eyes. As it stumbled along, it stopped and turned to her. "My name's Towelie..." She didn't respond. She just stared. "Do you wanna get high?"

She blinked at him. "... No."

"Oh..." Towelie then continued on down the sidewalk.

"... That did not just happen." She then patted her hands from the situation and continued to the bus stop.

As she walked up to Kyle and the others he smiled at her and waved. "Hey, Kat!"

"Hey, Kyle," she replied.

Stan looked over and asked, "How late were you up on Facebook last night?"

"I went over most of the feed I missed," she replied, "but I still had to be in bed by eight." She then glared passed them at Cartman at the end. He had a new black eye and some bandages around his head thanks to the last beating she gave him. "It was annoying, but I don't think I'll have to deal with that again, right, Cartman?"

He glared back at her, but didn't say anything. Kenny laughed, "[She beat him into submission!]"

"SHUT UP, KENNY!" Cartman screeched and they all furrowed their brows up at him, leaning away slightly.

Once the bus pulled up Cartman marched in first. "Wow, Cartman's really pissed off," Stan commented as Kenny got on.

Kat scoffed as Kyle got on after Stan. "So? He shouldn't fuck with me." Climbing onto the bus she sat down with Kenny while Stan and Kyle took their seat in the back.

On the ride to school, Kyle took out a notebook and pencil, scribbling furiously on it. Stan looked over and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm writing a love letter to Kat," he replied. "I figured this was a safest course of action."

"How?"

"Well," he paused his writing to look up. "If she sees the letter and tires to figure out who it is, then she's interested! If she doesn't then that means she's not interested. And it saves me the humiliation of confessing to her face."

Stan thought it over for a moment. "But... What if she tries to figure out who it is and ends up getting disappointed that it's you?" Kyle stared at him horrified. Stan furrowed his brows up. "Or... You know... It works out for the best?"

* * *

"All right, class, take your seats," Mr. Garrison said as all the children quieted down. Facing them all with Mr. Hat he said, "Today we have something very important to discuss. Due to recent events around the country I've been instructed to teach you all about sexual harassment in school."

"About what?" Kyle asked.

Mr. Garrison ignored him. "Now does anyone know what sexual harassment means?" Cartman raised his hand. "Yes, Eri- dear God, Eric, what happened to you this time?"

Kat smiled at that and raised her hand. "Sorry, Mr. Garrison, I was teaching Cartman a lesson." Cartman glared at her while she hi-fived Wendy and Bebe.

"I see..." Mr. Garrison thought it over for a minute. "Was it on school grounds?"

"No, it was at his house last night," she replied. "His mom was even home."

"Oh, well then, I don't care."

Cartman then glared at him. "EY!"

"Eric, do you know what sexual harassment is?" Mr. Garrison asked.

Cartman grumbled to himself for a moment, but he then replied, "When you are trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and then another man comes up and tickles your balls from behind."

Mr. Garrison frowned at him annoyed. "No, Eric, that's not what I'm talking about. The school board has sent over a special guest to teach us about sexual harassment in school. Please welcome Pete the Sexual Harassment Panda."

He moved aside and they all stared as a man in a panda costume came into the room. Kat stared bizarrely as he danced to a little song and tune, "_Don't say that, don't touch there, says the silly bear,"_

Kat shook her head and whispered, "How does this make any sense?" Wendy and Bebe glanced at her. "Is the school trying to educate us or make us confused little children?"

"Hi, boys and girls!" Pete waved and they all stared as his ears wiggled.

Mr. Garrison was quick to shout, "Say hi to Sexual Harassment Panda!"

They all rolled their eyes as they droned out together, "Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda."

"Did you know," Pete pulled out a poster from behind the teachers desk. It illustrated two pandas wearing underwear. "When one little panda pulls on another little pandas underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a saaad panda." Kat slowly began shaking her head. Was she supposed to be taking this seriously?

Kyle whispered to Stan, "This is freaking me out, dude."

Pete pulled out another poster of one panda sticking his dick in another pandas ear. "When one little panda puts his furry willy in another pandas ear, that makes me a very sad panda. Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets," Pete put the poster away and pulled out a stack of small booklets with panda faces and rainbows on them. "And we are going to go through each and every single sexual harassment law." Collectively the class made a disappointed sigh.

Kat slipped out her phone from her pocket and made a Facebook post: [It's going to be a long and sexual day.]

* * *

"Article thirty-six section nineteen," Pete read, "One panda may not make sexual comments about another pandas appearance. If one panda..."

"Ugh, dude, get me out of here," Stan whispered.

Cartman smiled at Pete. "I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool."

Kat scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You would think that, you little ass sucker."

He turned to her with shock and surprise. "What did you call me!?"

"An ass sucker," she replied. He really shouldn't be so surprised. Majority of the students started laughing as she continued, "You suck ass. You see an ass and you suck it. You're an ass sucker."

"That does it!" He slammed his fist on the desk and pointed at her. "I am suing you for sexual harassment!"

The room went a little quiet. Pete stopped reading and stared. "Uh oh..."

Kat turned confused. "What?"

"You have sexually harassed me for the last time!" Cartman declared and lifted up his booklet. "It says it right here: now I can sue you and take all your money!"

"That's right, he can," Pete said.

She frowned at Cartman. "No you can't, you little ass sucker."

He gasped. "She said it again! You all heard her!"

"The first party of the first panda may sue the second party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda."

Kat glared at Pete. "I swear to God I'll make you extinct."

* * *

Pete didn't say panda again, but Kat now found herself in the courtroom of goddamn South Park. Judge Julie lifted a paper and read, "This is Cartman versus Schumer in case number 3433." Kat looked behind her to see many people surprisingly showed up for this stupid case. Stan and Kyle were thankfully on her side while no one sat at on Cartman's side. "What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?"

"Your honor, my lawyer is just parking the car. He should be here any second."

Kat glanced back at Kyle and Stan worried as Kyle whispered, "Dude, he got a lawyer?"

"It can't be anyone good," Stan whispered back. "This case is just too stupid."

Everyone turned around as the doors opened and a man with a pink yarmulke walked in. "Sorry I'm late."

"Dad!?" Kyle stared in shock and Kat's jaw dropped.

"Oh, hi, Kyle." Kyle's father walked over and sat at the bench next to Cartman.

Kat hissed back at Kyle, "Dude! Why the hell didn't you tell me your dad was a lawyer!?"

"Sorry!" He shrugged helplessly. "Everyone in town knows! I forget that you don't know things sometimes."

Kat pinched the bridge of her nose as the judge slammed her mallet down. "All right, let's get this case over with." She held up a paper and read, "Now Eric Cartman, you claim that Katherine Schumer has sexually harassed you in school."

"That is correct, my honor." Kat glared at him. Who was he trying to fool acting so nice with a suit? "She talked about having oral sex with my ass."

"I called you an ass sucker!" She snapped.

"Yes, that was it," he began fake crying and Kyle's dad consoled him. "I was so upset. I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day! And the way she was looking at me, her eyes going slowly up and down my body... Like she was undressing me with her eyes."

"WHAT!?" She watched him appalled as he cried into his lawyer's chest. "Cartman, you call people names all the time!"

"As you can see, your honor, my client is too upset to continue," his lawyer said.

The judge turned to Kat, "Ms. Schumer, what do you have to say?"

She furrowed her brows up. "What do you mean?"

"You have to state your defense," she replied.

"My defense?" She looked back at her friends and they shrugged. She then glared back at the judge and shouted, "I'm fucking eight!"

"All right, this seems pretty open and shut," the Judge said. "Katherine Schumer, under the new harassment at schools law, I am forced to find you guilty."

Kat was outraged. "What!?"

The judge slammed her mallet down while Kyle's dad patted Cartman's back. "All right, we did it!"

"Hooray!"

"Since the defendant is underage and has no monetary resources," the judge continued, "It is the judgment of this court that fifty percent of Katherine Schumer's belongings are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately."

"I have to give him half my stuff!?" She turned back at Stan and Kyle and they were equally horrified.

Cartman only grinned. "Shweeeet."

* * *

After the court case, Kat was standing in the doorway of her bedroom, arms crossed and glaring down the happy fat man. A man hired by the court followed him around with a box marked Eric's Property while Cartman hummed happily, going around her room and picking up her toys. "Oh," he stopped at a stuffed My Little Pony plush and picked it up. "Do you like this toy?"

"Yeah, dude," she replied annoyed. "Princess Luna is my favorite pony."

"Oh, then I'll just take it!" He then tossed it in the box and she grinded her teeth, containing her rage.

"Honey?" Ellen walked up behind her daughter and peered into the bedroom, still dressed in her uniform from work. "Oh," she looked in surprised to see Mr. Broflovski there as well. "Gerald, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, hello, Ellen," he replied. "Eric won a case against Katherine and he now is entitled to half her property."

"What?" She stared down at her angry daughter in shock. "Katherine, what court case?"

Kat only glared at Cartman as he kept up his sickly sweet tone and replied pitifully, "Katherine sexually harassed me in school. She said she would perform oral sex with my bottom."

"I called you an ass sucker!" She snapped back. "Dammit, Cartman, quit altering the story!"

Ellen furrowed her brows up. "You... Called him an ass sucker? And you were taken to court for it?"

Kat sighed and glared at the ground. "Yes..."

"But..." She looked at all of them unsure. "Aren't you... Eight?"

"Laws the law," Gerald replied with a shrug.

"Hm." Ellen pursed her lips, not sure how to make of it. "Well... I guess good luck sweetie." She patted her head and walked away.

Cartman walked up to her bed where Leonidas was curled up, trying to sleep through the commotion. Kat smiled to herself as Cartman examined the kitten. "I suppose you like this cat, do you not, Katherine?"

"That's right," she replied. "His name is Leonidas."

Leonidas opened his eye, watching as Cartman smiled to himself. "Well then, I think I'll just take him as well." Leonidas looked over at Kat and she nodded. He sat up as Cartman reached up for him. "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Come here, Kat's hairy pussy!" Leonidas thumped him on his fat head, making him flinch. "Come here, cat." He thumped him two more times and Cartman shook out his head. "Dammit, pussy, I own you! Come here!" Leonidas thumped his head rapidly with his little paws, causing him to thrash around.

Kat chuckled. "Okay, Leonidas, that's enough."

Leonidas relented and Cartman huffed, glaring up at the kitten. "Fine, whatever, I already have a cat." He walked away and examined the room further. "I believe I've claimed forty-nine percent of your things."

Kat rolled her eyes. "Congratulations, you have a box full of a little girls toys. I might just be shooting myself in the foot here, but you can claim one more percent of my shit."

"Oh no," he walked up to her with an evil smile. "I'm saving my one percent. I'm going to savor it before taking all that I can from you."

"I'm shaking in my boots," she said sarcastically.

The man hired by the court walked over to Gerald with two of Kat's toys in his hands. "As your legal fee you can choose between this Cthulhu doll and this Terrance and Phillip lunchbox."

Gerald took the toys and weighed them. "Hm." He then dropped them and walked over to the kids and said, "You know, Eric, I've been thinking." Both Kat and Cartman looked up at him. "The people really responsible for your harassment is the school. Perhaps we should sue them next."

Kat glared up at him confused as Cartman raised an eyebrow. "Now why should I sue the school?"

"Because they're the ones who let this harassment go on," he replied. "Plus they have more money. I believe we can get a lot more out of this than just Katherine's belongings."

"Are you crazy?" Kat questioned as Cartman began rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Why are you encouraging this outrageous behavior? Aren't you a parent!?"

"I'm also a lawyer," he pointed out and Kat smacked her forehead.

* * *

The next day Kat sat between Kyle and Stan in the benches of the court. Cartman went through with Kyle's dad's idea to sue the school and now Mr. Garrison was on the stand with Mr. Hat. "How much stuff did he take?" Stan asked.

"He took most of my dolls," Kat shrugged. "Nothing I'm heartbroken over. But he only took forty-nine percent."

Kyle was suspicious. "Why?"

"He said he was going to save it," she replied. "Enjoying it before he took all that he could from me."

"Figures," Stan said.

Kyle agreed, "Cartman's being more ridiculous than usual."

Kat raised an eyebrow. "You think?"

The judge hammered her mallet to bring the courts attention to order. "Answer the question," she said to Mr. Garrison. "Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the classroom?"

"No, I had no friggin idea," he replied.

Gerald then walked up to him. "Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?"

Garrison tsked and waved it off. "Of course, and so does Mr. Hat." He raised the hand puppet to show. "We do not tolerate sexual harassment."

"You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison," the Judge interrupted. "Not Mr. Hat."

Garrison covered Mr. Hat with his hand. "I'm sorry, toots." He said that a little condescendingly.

"Did you or did you not hear my client being called an 'ass sucker'?" Gerald pushed.

"Yes."

"And you did nothing?"

"Well he is a little ass sucker," Garrison replied pointing Cartman out. The court laughed and Kat stood in her seat grinning in victory.

"Mr. Garrison," the Judge snapped. "I will remind you that we are in court!"

"Okay, baby, I'm sorry."

The case actually continued and Gerald called his next witness, the Principal. He questioned her, "Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being sexually harassed in your school?"

"Well not anymore than any other student," she replied.

Kat sighed and whispered to her friends, "Is this town seriously going to go through with this?" They glanced at her. "I mean, we're fucking kids for Christ's sake. Is it really a big deal?"

Kyle and Stan looked at each other. Stan then asked, "Kat, how long have you lived here?"

Kat thought about it for a moment. "I think a little over two weeks. Why?"

"Why did you and your mom move to this town?" Kyle asked instead.

"Well..." She shrugged. "I guess we just wanted a new start."

"You picked a poor town to do it in," Stan said and she furrowed her brows up in worry.

"All right, all right, I killed him!" Principal Victoria suddenly shouted. Kat's jaw dropped, as did her mother's, who sat behind her in the rows of benches. "I hit him over the head and cut up the body. I tried to burn it, but it wouldn't burn! Oh the smell of it... I put the legs in a garbage bag and hid the torso under a bridge. I _had_ to do it!" She then cried.

Ellen looked around in utter shock, waiting for someone to **do** something. "Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass sucker? Yes or no?"

Victoria sniffed and wiped her eye. "I believe so, yes."

Ellen and Kat looked around as everyone murmured at that little shock. "Wh-w-wha-what is wrong with you people!?" Ellen shouted, standing up in her seat. Everyone stared at her as she waved her arms. "Didn't _everyone_ hear that!? You all heard that!"

One man spoke up, "That the kid was called an ass sucker?"

"About the murder!" She shouted back.

The judge hammered her mallet. "Quiet down or I will throw you out of this courtroom!"

"You can't possibly just ignore that!"

"If you have a case you'd like to present then you must go through the procedure of submitting to the court just like everyone else," the Judge replied and Kat and Ellen stared at her in bewilderment. "In the meantime you will sit down and remain silent."

"I..." Ellen looked around, but no one was backing her up.

Kat whispered to her, "Just sit down, mom, please." Ellen sighed and sat back down looking concerned. "Dude," she whispered to her friends, "this is seriously fucked up."

"We know, dude," Stan replied.

Pete the Sexual Harassment Panda was then called to the stand. "Expert witness, is it true that South Park Elementary allowed sexual harassment to go on?"

"Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment," Pete replied.

Kat jumped up in her seat and shouted, "I called him an ass sucker! I didn't ask for oral sex goddammit!"

Everyone seemed to ignore her. "And who's to blame?" Gerald asked.

"I'm afraid the school must be held responsible," Pete replied.

"There you have it!" Gerald pointed at everyone in the court. "Straight from the horse's mouth!"

"Panda."

"P-Panda's mouth."

The Judge hammered her mallet. "After careful review from this court that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman one point three million dollars in damages."

Kat dropped in her seat. "I am... Stunned." Gerald cheered while Cartman celebrated with a dance, waving his jacket around. "This is why the government quits funding to schools," she said angrily, gesturing to the dancing fat kid.

"I thought it was because they were cheap bastards," Stand said.

"Well, that, but also because they allow stupid shit like this to happen," she explained. She then turned to Kyle and poked him in the chest. "Kyle, you need to convince your dad to quit doing this. If he ruins the school then that'll ultimately affect our education! Schools will be limited in methods to teaching kids because they won't be able to afford new text books and supplies." She stared him down and he leaned back slightly. "Don't let your dad jeopardize my future!" Kyle swallowed nervously.

* * *

The next day, Kyle walked down the hall with Stan, holding his binder close to him looking down. "So, did you talk to your dad?" Stan asked him.

Kyle sighed. "I tried, but he just derailed the conversation to try and confuse me."

Stan rolled his eyes. "Of course he did." He stopped with his friend by a locker and watched as Kyle opened his binder, then slipped a letter inside the locker. "Is that Kat's locker?"

"Yeah," he replied and they continued walking. "I figured it would be a good time for her to get a love letter. I mean, I know girls like that, so it might make her feel better since Cartman won the sexual harassment case against her."

Stan furrowed his brows up. "Um... Yeah..." He wasn't so sure himself, but he didn't want to make his friend upset.

* * *

Kat chatted with Bebe and Heidi as they walked together down the hall. "Sorry about your case," Hiedi said sympathetically.

Kat waved it off. "Whatever, Cartman got pissy because I kicked his ass twice and he just got lucky."

"Still, he took your dolls," Bebe protested. "You're going to get him back, right?"

"Eh," Kat shrugged and stopped at her locker. "I figured I could let him have his little victory. They weren't important dolls anyways." When she opened it up, a letter fell out.

"Ooo, what's that?" Heidi asked as Kat picked it up.

"It's probably a love letter!" Bebe guessed and Kat gave her an odd look.

"Love letter? This is only like my second week of school here."

"Exactly, you're new." She explained, "Boys are more likely to be attracted to new girls because they don't know enough about them yet."

Kat's expression went flat. "So it's pointless to read this because this boy is infatuated with his image of me and not actually me?"

"Oh, come on, Kat," Heidi nudged her arm with her elbow. "Quit being a downer. Aren't you curious? What if he's cute?"

Kat blinked down at the letter in her hand. "Well..."

"Totally," Bebe encouraged with a smile. "It could be that Tommy boy from Ms. Russell's class."

"Oo, or Jake from Mr. Johnson's class," Heidi added excitedly.

Kat screwed her mouth as she examined the letter. "Well... I guess I should at least know..." She grabbed the sealed fold of the letter.

"Hold on, what is this?" The three girls frowned angrily at the smiling Cartman who wandered over. He wore a fancy new watch with brand new shoes that no doubt came from the schools money.

"Ew," Heidi taunted and he glared at her.

Kat sighed and faced him annoyed. "Goddammit, Cartman, what do you want?"

"I'm still entitled to one more percent of your stuff, Kat," he reminded her with a smile.

"What are you going to take this time?" Bebe asked. "Her tampons?" The three of them stifled their giggles.

His smile turned evil. "Actually, I have my eye on a certain envelope."

"What?" Kat looked down at the love letter in her hand. She glared at him, "No way! You can't be serious!"

He opened his hand to her. "Hand it over." Heidi and Bebe glanced at her worried as she didn't budge. "Come now, Katherine, I don't think we need to get the court involved again. Do we?"

"Son of a..." She grinded her teeth. "Fine." She threw the envelop at his face and slammed her locker shut before marching off.

Heidi and Bebe hurried after her. Heidi tapped her shoulder, "Kat, you're not seriously going to just let him take the letter are you!?"

"It's not safe to do anything now," Kat replied. "Cartman's on a role with suing people. I have to wait until he sexually harasses me in return"

Bebe grasped her arm in comfort. "Don't worry, Kat, we'll get this sorted out."

Bebe and Kat walked into their classroom and froze, seeing that it was bare and empty. All the kids were sitting together on the ground with no desks or chairs. "What the hell?"

"All right, kids," Mr. Garrison addressed the class and the two girls hurried over and sat down. "There's a few changes being made here at school, but lessons will go on as normal. Any questions?" Stan raised his hand. "Yes, Stanly?"

"Where's our desks?" He asked.

"Right, the desks. Well, a lot of cuts had to be made since the schools funding is short for lawsuits."

"Dammit, you see, Cartman!?" Kat snapped at him. "You see what this has done!?"

"All I know it I got this sweet digital watch and these cool shoes," Catrman replied, showing off his new things with a smug smile that made her tremble in rage. "I'm telling you guys suing people kicks ass."

"Wow, I wanna sue somebody," Clyde said.

"Me, too," Red agreed. "I wanna get a lawyer." Kat looked around at everyone worried as they all agreed.

"Well let's just try to coup with the changes and try to do our school work," Mr. Garrison said and picked up rusty nail. "Now I'm going to write a sentence on the board and I want you to tell me the noun." He scratched the nail on the chalkboard and all the kids shouted in protest, covering their ears. "I know, I know, I'm sorry, children, but we can't afford chalk anymore. I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail. Anyway, children, in the sentence 'The ball is red'," They all screamed again as he continued.

* * *

Kat sat on the living room couch with Kyle and Stan. They decided to go over to visit her house and watched the television. "So," Kyle cleared his throat awkwardly. "Did anything new happen today?"

"Well, there was a letter in my locker this morning," she replied and Stan sneakily gave Kyle a thumb up. "But Cartman did a bullshit move and used his last percent on my things to take it."

The boys stared at her in alarm. "Are you serious!?" Kyle questioned.

"Of course I am," she replied, flipping through the channels.

"Dude, we have to get that back!" Stan said and Kat gave him an odd look.

"Why do you care?" She asked. "It's just a letter."

"I-It's a matter of principal," Kyle hastily replied. "Cartman can't get away with this."

Kat stopped on a channel and Kyle's dad was on the screen, sitting at a desk. "Kids, are you tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a homo?"

Kat frowned at Kyle. "Kyle, what is your dad doing?"

"I-I don't know, dude," he shrugged helplessly.

"Call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you close the lid on sexual harassment at school!"

Kat's jaw dropped as Bebe showed up on the screen riding a sparkly pink bike. "After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a one point six million dollar settlement and this bright new shiny bicycle! Thank you, Kyle's dad!"

"Dammit!" Kat shut off the television and jumped off the couch. "We can't keep letting this happen!" Her mother then came down the stairs dressed fancy. Kat furrowed her brows up, "Mom, where are you going?"

Ellen sighed. "There's too many cases going on today at court. I can't keep making up excuses to not go."

The boys became worried as Kat shouted, "What!? There's more cases!?"

"Sorry, kids, but I can't leave you home alone," Ellen said. "Get your shoes on, we have to go to court."

After they got their shoes on and went to court, they sat there for case after case, all of them with Gerald as the lawyer. "Eric Cartman, you must give Pip half your stuff and the school must give Pip one point six million dollars."

"Holy crap, dude," Stan whispered.

The judge hammered her mallet. "Next case."

"Half her belongings. School is sued for two point one million.

"Half his stuff. Two million from the school."

Ellen looked over to see Principal Victoria faint. The whole day was basically taken up by sexual harassment court cases. When Kat went to school the next day she did her best to keep her mouth shut and sat on the ground with the other kids. Still, when she glanced back, seeing Kyle's dad standing in the back of the class, she scooted over to Kyle and whispered, "Dude, what's your dad doing here?"

"He's being a lawyer," he sighed, looking exhausted.

"Okay, children, let's all take our seats, we have a lot to learn today." Mr. Garrison picked up his rusty nail and turned to the class, but paused when he saw Gerald standing in the back. "Okay... Um, Clyde, can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?"

Before Clyde could say anything, Gerald was quick to kneel beside him and said, "Don't answer that."

"Um..." Mr. Garrison looked around awkwardly. "Craig, what about you?"

"Um..." He glanced over as Gerald knelt by him and whispered in his ear. "I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might incinerate me." Gerald whispered again. "Incriminate."

"Okay, children, I'm having a real problem with you all having lawyers," Mr. Garrison said. "It's really disrupting class time." Kat furrowed her brows up in worry as Gerald slunk next to him and whispered in his ear. "Uh? Oh... Oh, okay. Kids, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way. Now let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant if that's okay with you." Kat sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

* * *

Kat decided to join the boys for lunch despite Cartman being an ass. As they filed into the lunch line Chef greeted them happily, "Hey there, children!"

"Hey, Chef," they replied as they stood in front of him.

"How's it goin'?" He asked.

"Bad," Kat replied.

"Well it's about to get worse," Chef said as he scooped up some potatoes. "All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes."

"Lumpy potatoes!?" Cartman cried out. "Oh, no!" Kat rolled her eyes at him.

"Sorry, children," Chef shrugged. "All my funding's been cut."

"Oh my God, you guys, we have to do something!" Cartman cried and she glared at him.

Stan stepped forward and asked, "Chef, how can we stop all these sexual harassment lawsuits?"

"I don't know, children," Chef replied, "Why don't you ask your dad? He's a lawyer ain't he?"

"I tried talking to him," Kyle explained, "But he doesn't want the lawsuits to stop. He's making too much money!"

Chef then said, "Well somebody's gotta know about all that sexual harassment whosa-fudge."

Kat tapped her chin. "Hey, what about that stupid panda?"

"Hey, yeah! Pete the Sexual Harassment Panda," Stan recalled. "He's the one that started all of this. We have to find him."

"Well I hope you do," Chef said, "Or else..." He slopped some plain lumpy potatoes on a tray. "It's lumpy potatoes from here on out." Cartman screamed from fright and ran out of the lunch line.

Kat stepped forward. "I'll take his lumpy potatoes."

* * *

The five of them figured out where the South Park School Board was and went there after school. After they entered the building they found the room where the head administrators gathered. Stan called out, "Excuse me, we'd like to speak with Sexual Harassment Panda, please."

At the sight of them the adults shouted in fright and hid under their desk. "P-Please, don't sue us!"

Kat and Kyle gave them an odd look. "Huh?"

"We'll give you anything you want!"

Kyle replied, "We want Sexual Harassment Panda."

"O-Oh no, uh... W-We had to let him go."

"What!?" Cartman's shout caused the adults to cower away.

"Da-I-I mean... He left."

Kat glared at him. "Well where is he?"

The woman then replied, "We don't know- honestly. I swear! Please, just let us go."

"What the hell is wrong with these people?" Stan asked.

Kat just sighed. "Again, adults are useless. Come on, guys." As they walked together out of the building, her phone vibrated. She took it out and then gasped as she stared at the screen.

They boys all stopped and looked back at her. "What is it, Kat?" Kyle asked.

"My friend just made a post," she replied. "Apparently there's going to be another sexual harassment case. It's Everyone versus Everyone! Kyle's dad is representing both sides and public schools are estimated to lose over thirty million dollars!"

Kenny asked, "[Does that mean we won't have school anymore?]"

Kat frowned at him. "Kenny, we're keeping the schools."

"We need to hurry and find that panda," Stan said.

"But how?" Cartman asked. "I'm not running around this entire town to find that stupid bear."

"[How about the bar?]" They all turned to Kenny. "[My dad goes there all the time and he always comes back with stories and gossip.]"

Kat was a little surprised. "That's not a bad idea."

"Okay, you guys go check out the bar," Kyle said. "I'm going to go home. I need to try to talk my dad out of this."

"All right, let's hurry," Stan said and the group split up.

* * *

The four of them entered Skeeter's Bar. "Excuse me," Stan called.

The blonde bartender asked, "Now what can I do for ya?"

Approaching the counter Kat replied, "We were wondering if there was a panda bear in here."

"Panda bear..." He scratched his head as he tried to remember.

Kat stared at him flatly. "It's a black and white bear if that helps your memory."

"Ey! Eight year olds..." The four of then turned down the end of the counter. There was an orange haired man in a pink flannel shirt flanked by two more rednecks, all of them staring them down. "We don't take kindly to yer types in here."

The bartender put his hands up to try and calm them down. "Now calm down, Skeeter, they ain't hurtin' nobody."

"No!" Skeeter and his lackeys surrounded them. "I wanna know somethin'! Mr. I'm Eight Years Old, here," He poked Stan on the head and Kat glared at the man. "How come you 'types' are always wearin' them funny padded shirts in the winter."

"Coats?" Stan questioned.

"Now, Skeeter," the bartender warned, "I don't want no trouble."

"We don't take kindly to yer types round here," one of the redneck cowboy lackeys said.

"Dude, what the hell is going on here?" Stan asked his friends.

Cartman sighed and asked impatiently, "Did you guys see a big panda bear in here or not?"

Skeeter slammed his hand on the table. "We don't take kindly to panda bears!"

Kat retorted, "Well we don't take kindly to you!"

The lackey pointed at them threateningly. "We don't take kindly to folks who don't take kindly round here." The men and children glanced around confused.

"Kids, there was a panda bear in here," the bartender said. "He said something about going to the Island of Misfit Mascots."

"Where's that?" Cartman asked.

"If I'm not mistaken, it's over by the Jenkins place," he replied.

"We better hurry," Stan said and they all hopped off the barstools away from the bar hassles.

"Man, this better be worth it," Kat said as they left the bar.

* * *

Ellen sighed as she watched the news channel. "This can't actually be happening, can it?" She reached over for her phone and dialed a number.

Gerald's voice picked up. "Hello? This is Kyle's Lawyer Dad speaking."

"Gerald? It's Ellen."

"Ellen! I was waiting for your call."

Ellen made an odd look. "You were... Waiting for my call?"

"Yes, you're calling for my services as a lawyer, aren't you? I have a big case coming up. Now, are you on the everyone side? Or on the everyone side?"

She blinked. "Um... No, actually... I haven't been sexually harassed. I don't have a case."

"What? Sure you have! Hasn't Chef commented on your looks?"

"Well..." She shrugged. "He said I looked good today. Nothing bad. Certainly not harassment."

"That's a lawsuit waiting to happen!" Gerald sounded too excited. "You can get half his things! And since he works at the school you can get one point two million from the school easy!"

"Gerald, that's why I'm calling you," she said becoming confident. "You have the public too hyped up and you are ruining the public schools! My daughter, the Marsh's kids, your sons aren't getting the proper education they need! Everyone in town in losing their belongings to each other. My daughter had her birthday gifts stolen by Eric Cartman because of you!"

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. "Ms. Schumer, are you sexually harassing me?"

She recoiled from that. "W-what? Gerald, what are you talking about?"

"Keep it up, Ellen. I will sue you back to the stone age."

She glared sideways at the phone. "Gerald, you've let the money you're making off of others go to your head. You cannot continue with this Everyone versus Everyone case!"

"Ellen, let me explain something to you."

She narrowed her eyes. "Talk to me in that condescending tone, Gerald, and I will walk into that courtroom and literally kick your ass in front of your friends, family, and peers."

"... I guess this is why you don't have a boyfriend."

"I promise you, Gerald, this will bite you in the ass and I will not help you." She hung up on him and slammed her phone down. "Goddamn Jew." She gasped and covered her mouth. "Oh, Jesus, I did not just say that." She glanced around and then spotted Leonidas staring at her from the armchair.

He stared at her alert. "... Meow."

She frowned at him. "Oh, hush, Leonidas." He huffed and curled back into a ball.

* * *

"Guys!" The four of them stopped as Kyle ran to catch up with them. "Any luck?"

"We're on our way to the Island of Misfit Mascots," Stan replied. "The bartender said that's where he was heading."

"What about you?" Kat asked.

He shook his head. "There's no talking my dad out of it."

"Can't talk a Jew out of getting money?" Cartman questioned. "Shocker." Kyle glared at him. "What? Obviously I'm not wrong."

Kat glared at him as well. "Cartman, shut the fuck up."

They continued walking together down the road past the Jenkins to a gated community. Approaching the gates Stan read the looming sign, "'The Island of Misfit Mascots Commune.' This must be the place."

Kat walked up to the man in the box minding the gate. "Excuse me!" He lowered the book he was reading and raised an eyebrow at her. "Let us in, please."

He eyed her up and down. "Are you a Misfit Mascot?"

"If I say yes will you let me in?"

He eyed her again. "What mascot are you?"

"I'm the 'Don't Beat the Ass of Gate Guards Pissed Off Little Girl'."

He stared at her for a moment. He then stared passed her at the boys and the three of them watched Cartman as he shook his head. The guard then silently pressed a button on his desk and the gate opened up for them. After they entered the commune a voiced called out, "Hello, kids!"

They stopped and stared at a man in an earth worm costume with a second smaller man in the tail. "Whoa, who are you?" Stan asked.

"I'm Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm," Willy replied. "Now you kids know not to stare directly into the sun, right?"

They replied together, "Yes."

He put on sunglasses and pulled out a walking stick. "It can burn your retinas and make you blind!"

"... Thanks a lot, dude," Stan said, and then a man in a mud splattered pig suit ran towards them with giant scissors while oinking.

"Make sure you run around with scissors! Says Oinky the Run Around With Scissors Pig!"

Kat raised an eyebrow. "I thought you weren't allowed to run around with scissors."

"That's why he's on the Island of Misfit Mascots," Willy explained as Oinky ran off again.

Kyle asked, "Have you seen any panda bears?"

As Willy thought about it, a man in a hawk costume wandered over and said, "Hey, Kids! I'm Jimmy the Don't Hold Onto a Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon."

Kat whispered to Kenny, "I thought he was a hawk." Kenny nodded in agreement.

"Here, watch!" Jimmy handed Kenny a large magnet and then ran over to a giant metal fan.

Kat became worried and said, "Um, dude, I think you should drop the magnet." The wind began to pick up and Kenny leaned back as the magnet dragged him towards the fan. They went wide eyed and Kat began freaking out, "Dude, drop the magnet! Drop the magnet! Dude!" Kenny screamed as he flew into the fan. As he passed through the blades cut him into pieces and she screamed. "_Oh my God! Kenny!_"

The blood splattered falcon gestured to the bloody mess around him. "See?"

"Oh my God, he killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed.

"You bastard!" Kyle shouted.

Kat stared at them as they didn't seem as nearly as distraught as she was. "_Why is there déjà vu going on right now!?_"

"Hey, there he is!" Kyle pointed out Pete sulking on a bench and the boys ran for him.

Kat continued to stare in horror as Jimmy shut off the blood fan. "This is seriously fucked up," she whispered to herself before running after her friends.

"Dude, are we glad to find you," Stan said to him. "You need to come back to South Park quick!"

"Why?" He asked glumly.

"Because everyone is suing everyone else," Kyle replied. "And you're pretty much the cause for it all."

"Seems all I do now is cause trouble," Pete said sadly and went back to holding his head.

A man in a badger costume wandered over wearing a messenger bag. "Hello, Kids! I'm Happy the Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear Badger!" The four kids stared at him. "... Well, I'll leave now." He then wandered off again.

"Please Harassment Panda," Kat said. "Obviously people listen to you. We need you to get them to stop suing each other!"

"But I'm just a panda," Pete said.

Her eye twitched and she snapped. She shouted at him, "No you're not, dude! You're a **guy** in a **costume**!"

All at once the misfit mascots gasped and stared at them, stopping whatever they were doing. The kids glanced around and Willy came over to them angrily. "Hey, I'm a real worm, pal!"

"Okay," Kat put her hands up in surrender. "Okay, sorry, sorry."

"You're a real worm," Cartman agreed to calm him. "That's cool."

"Okay, you're a panda," Stan relented. "But Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment, but now you need to teach a new message. A message that people will find useful again."

"What message?" Pete asked.

"That people shouldn't sue each other all the time," Kyle replied.

"You know, you little cubs just might be right," Pete said and jumped to his feet. "Okay! Let's go save South Park!"

* * *

Ellen sat in the crowded benches just as pissed off as everyone else was. Gerald continued the case against himself because he was so adamant on making money. He turned to the judge and said, "You honor, I would like to make my closing arguments."

"Wait!" The doors were flung open and they all looked back to see the four kids and a panda barge into the court room.

Ellen blinked. "Katherine?"

Kat paused and looked at her annoyed. "Don't worry, mom, we're putting an end to this nonsense."

Mr. Garrison beside Ellen said, "Hey, that's Sexual Harassment Panda."

"No, he's not," Stan said as they gathered in front of the room. "He's a completely new panda now. And he's got something to say."

"Hello there, everyone," Pete waved at them. "I'm Pete the Don't Sue People Panda."

"Don't Sue People?" Jimbo questioned.

Skeeter stood, "Ey! We don't take kindly to people who don't sue people round here!"

"Now calm down, Skeeter," the bartender said from the other side of the room. "He ain't hurtin' nobody."

"Please, listen to me," Pete said. "When you sue someone, it hurts everyone! You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From schools, from taxes, from the state. From you." Ellen looked around annoyed as realization settled on the people of South Park. "There's no such thing as free money. When you sue from somebody, you take money from parks and schools and charities and put it in your own pocket. And that makes me a saaaad panda."

The people looked at each other. "I'm a sad panda, too," a man said.

A woman agreed, "I'm a _really_ sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage."

Ellen smirked to herself. "And you know who's to blame? It's that damn lawyers fault for not informing his clients!"

"Yeah, let's sue the lawyer!" Someone shouted and the all stood together and shouted in agreement.

"No!" Gerald ran over to Pete and said, "Don't you see? The Panda's right! Boy, what a great message he has. When you sue people you just cause a lot of problems for society. I've really learned something today."

Stan and Kyle looked at Kat as she blinked. "Oh. I see."

"All I could see was a millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care where the money came from," Gerald continued. "Well I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools! They are too vague and too easily corruptible. Thank you Sexual Harassment Panda!"

"Don't Sue People Panda."

"Yeah, right, whatever, so no more suing people! Yay! Let's get some ice cream!"

Kat frowned up at him as the boys cheered. They still followed him out of the courtroom with Pete tailing them. "Pandas love ice cream."

As they left the court building, Kat stopped Cartman and glared at him. "I expect my stuff back, Cartman."

"What stuff?" He questioned. "Oh, you mean my stuff that I won from our sexual harassment case?"

Kat narrowed her eyes. "I want my toys and that letter you stole from me."

Kyle and Stan glanced at each other worried. Gerald stepped forward behind Cartman and said, "Now, Katherine, Eric won that fairly in court. The case is closed and that means it's his now."

She narrowed her eyes up at him. "I swear I will sick my mother on you."

"Right..." He rubbed the back of his head. "Well then..." He wandered off.

"Cartman, it wasn't exactly fair to begin with," Stan said. "You call people names all the time. You should have nothing in your name if that's the case. Just give her things back."

"E-Especially the letter," Kyle hastily added and Cartman gave him an odd look. "That's like her mail and that's personal stuff."

"Personal, huh?" Cartman smiled at her evilly. "What's that letter, I wonder?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I didn't get the chance to read it before you stole it from me."

"Hmmm," Cartman tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe I'll give it all back after I have my fun with it first."

The three of them glared at him as he walked away. Kyle then glanced at her worried. "Kat, what are you gonna do?"

Kat pulled out her iPhone. "I have people." Stan and Kyle glanced at each other as she typed furiously and walked away.


	7. Everyday Problems

Kat typed away on her computer and got to her Facebook. There were way too many notifications to start with. Confused she went to her wall to see it blown up. "What the hell?" She scrolled down to read every tease and taunt from her friends. "What's going on?" She then noticed she was tagged in something. She followed it to a post Cartman made.

[I can blame gravity for the falling snow, but I can't blame it for me falling head over heels when I see you in the hall. I fell in love with you because of a tiny million things you never knew you were doing. You are the cheese to my macaroni. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Dude this is so gay! AHAHAHAHAHA! What a loser!]

And so many people commented: [Dude, that's lame.]

[That's way too cheesy.]

[Super Gay.]

Kat went red in the face with anger and typed furiously: [Dammit, Cartman! That letter was to me you thief! You have no right to post it on Facebook!]

Cartman commented back: [In fact, the letter is my property that I won in the sexual harassment case.]

"Dammit!" She slammed her fists on her desk. "I need to get my shit back from him."

Another comment popped up: [This one time I saw two guys kissing in a park. I thought that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen until I read that love letter.]

Leonidas lifted his head when he heard her growl. She opened a private IM and sent a message: [Cartman has gone too far. I'm going to need some help to get back at him.]

Wendy responded: [Don't you worry, we girls already have a plan. Tonight is the meteor shower and Cartman's mother is attending the party Mr. Mackey is holding.]

She added Bebe to the chat and she added: [I've researched all the babysitters Cartman has had and they all refuse to babysit him again. I've set up Ms. Cartman to meet up with Shelly Marsh, Stan's older sister.]

Kat asked: [What's that going to do?]

Wendy replied: [She's an older sister. She'll give him hell.]

Bebe then added: [Red is going to lead the infiltration with Heidi, Powder, and Annie. Esther and Jenny will be the look out. We have Lexus and Ferrari on the ready to create a diversion if need be.]

Kat blinked. "Wow. They really have this figured out." She then typed: [I didn't think Red and Powder liked me.]

[Girls will have their differences,] Wendy said, [But when a boy has done injustice we will ban together to get revenge.]

Kat smiled. [All right. Now, what's my part?]

[Unfortunately you don't have a part,] Bebe replied. [Your mother will be attending the meteor shower party as well so you will be locked in the kids room in the basement.]

Kat became confused. "Wait, what?"

"Honey," her mother knocked on her door. "Can I come in?"

"Uh..." She looked between the door and her computer. "Uh- yeah, sure."

Ellen opened the door and said, "I just wanna tell you, sweetie, that we were invited to go to Mr. Mackey's meteor shower party tonight, so be sure to be ready to go here shortly."

Kat stared at her unsure. "Yeah... Okay, mom."

"Thanks, dear." Ellen then closed the door again.

Kat eyed her computer. [How did you guys know that?]

[Like I said,] Wendy replied, [We have a network. Don't worry, we'll get this sorted out.]

* * *

Ellen got dressed up in a green dress with golden jewelry for the party. "Katherine, are you ready?" She opened her daughter's bedroom door to see her in her usual outfit playing games on the computer. "Katherine, why aren't you ready yet?"

"What?" Kat raised an eyebrow at her. "What do you mean? I'm ready."

Ellen sighed and put her hands on her hips. "Why don't you put on that dress I got you last Christmas?"

"Ugh, mom," she complained. "Why do I have to get dressed up? I'm just going to get locked in the basement with the other kids that were dragged along and eat stale pretzels."

"Humor me?" Ellen brought on her sweetest smile.

"Aw- no..." Kat tried to avoid eye contact. "Come on, mom..."

"I don't have many friends here..."

"Aw, dammit," Kat shut her eyes tight. "... Dammit, fine."

"Thank you, sweetheart!" Ellen hurried over to kiss her on the head. "Here, I'll help put makeup on you!"

Kat spun around in her chair and sighed. "The things I do for you mother..."

Ellen got her daughter dressed up in a pink dress and had makeup slathered on her face. She then drove them to Mr. Mackey's house, Kat pouting along the way. She dragged her up to the house and knocked on the door. Mr. Mackey opened the door and grinned. "Hey there, Ellen! Glad you could make it!"

"Thank you for inviting me," she replied happily. "Sorry I had to bring my kid, I couldn't find a babysitter."

Kat glared up at her. "Mom, what the hell!"

Ellen quickly bent down and whispered, "Just trying to look cool, dear."

Kat huffed and rolled her eyes. She may as well put up with it. "Well that's okay, I have a special kids room down in the basement!" He then smiled down at Kat. "Well, Katherine, don't you look lovely tonight!"

Kat stared ahead of her flatly and droned out, "Thank you, Mr. Mackey."

"Go ahead and enjoy some crab cakes and finger sandwiches, Ellen, and I'll take Katherine to the playroom."

"Oh, all right. Have a good time, sweetie!"

Kat frowned sadly as her mother ran into the throng of drunken adults. She then followed Mr. Mackey down stairs into the dark and he tossed her into the cemented room. "We'll be sure to bring you up when the meteor shower starts!" He then slammed the door.

Kat turned around and froze, seeing Pip, Butters and a little kid all dressed in women's clothing. "... What are you guys doing."

"We're playing Charlie's Angels!" Pip replied excitedly.

"Yeah, Stan's Bossley," Butters said and pointed over to Stan who was curled up in a corner.

Kat looked over and went wide eyed. "Stan!?"

Stan's face lit up. "Kat!" He ran over to her, but then stopped when he realized what she was wearing. "Dude... What are you wearing?"

Kat blushed from embarrassment and glared at the side. "Shut up. My mom forced me to get dressed up for this stupid party, okay?"

"And I thought I had it bad."

She glared at him. "Says the guy who's playing Charlie's Angels with Melvin's."

"I'm not playing with them!"

"Please, Stan," Butters stepped forward and they turned to him. "We hate to trouble you, but we Angels need a mission, and only Bossley can give us missions."

Stan sighed heavily. Kat rubbed her chin and then whispered in his ear, "Let's use them to our advantage. Mr. Mackey said there was finger sandwiches and stuff upstairs and I'm hungry."

"Yeah, me too," he whispered back. He then addressed the Melvin's, "All right, Angels, in fifteen minutes water is going to fill up this room and drown everybody. You have to find us a way out of this room fast."

Pip clapped happily from excitement. "Oh that's a splendid mission!"

"Well what are we waitin' for?" Butters said. "We've got to find a way out of this room by golly or else we're all gonna get drowned! Come on, Angels!"

The three of them split up, but the small one stopped and asked, "Which Angel am I again?"

Kat raised an eyebrow at him. "Who's the small one?"

"His name is Dougie," Stan replied. "He likes math."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Jesus Christ." She then sat down with her back to the other kids and pulled out her iPhone.

Stan furrowed his brows up and sat with her. "I saw that post Cartman made. That sucks."

"Yeah, but we're going to get him back," she said as she messed with her phone.

He became confused. "Wait, who's 'we'?"

"Me and the girls," she replied. "Don't worry, we have this handled."

* * *

Esther was staked out in the bushes across the street from Cartman's house. She watched as some older boys dragged their band equipment into the home. She then turned on her walkie-talkie and said, "Eagle One reporting. The wannabe band has entered the home. The coast is clear."

Jenny snuck around the corner of the house and peered through the living room window. The band was playing while Shelly was sitting on the couch and listening. She then spotted Cartman hanging from the coat hanger by his underwear. She lifted her walkie-talkie, "This is Eagle Two. Fatass is immobilized on level one. Babysitter is distracted on level one. Wolf One, move your pack in now."

"Roger that, Eagle Two. Pack moving in." Red, dressed in her camo outfit, turned to the other girls in their own camo outfits on the rooftop. "Annie, fire the arrow."

Annie moved forward and knocked back a plunger. She aimed at the Cartman's house next to Cartman's bedroom window. She fired and it stuck to the side of the house. Annie tucked on the robe that was attached and nodded. Powder then took the rope from her and tied it around the chimney. She tugged on it and then gave a thumb up. Red nodded, "All right, let's move, move, move!" She waved them on and one by one they used their headbands to ride down the robe, jumping into the bedroom window. Red was the last to land in the bedroom and reported in, "The Pack is in the bedroom. Beginning extraction."

"Copy that, Wolf One," the walkie-talkie said.

"Okay, girls," Red said and the team turned to her. "Round up anything girly, and most importantly find that love letter!"

"Right!" The girls split up and began piling everything girly they could find into the center of the room.

Red hopped up onto Cartman's chair and logged into his computer. "Leaving himself logged into Facebook. What a noob." She deleted the recent post he made and then forged her own post: [I've been debating lately... I know I'm fat, not big-boned, but I dream of becoming a ballerina dancer. Yet I'm discouraged by my fatness. What do you guys think?] "That should keep him busy," she said and jumped out of the chair.

"Wolf One," Heidi approached and held up Polly Prissypants. "We found this thing, but it doesn't match with Kat's other toys. We don't know if we should take it."

"Just add it to the pile," she replied. "Did you find the letter?"

"Right here," Powder handed her the open envelop.

Red took out the letter and the girls crowded around to read. They all giggled, then turned serious again when she put the letter away. Red took out her walkie-talkie and reported, "This is Wolf One. We've gathered all female belongings."

"Copy that, Wolf One. Sparkle Wagon moving into position." Outside the house, Esther watched as Bebe hauled in a pink wagon on her tricycle, guiding into place by Jenny. The girls upstairs threw out all the toys down below into the wagon. Wolf One then reported, "All right, that's everything." Jenny helped Bebe push out of the snowy grass and back to the road. The Pack then climbed the rope back to the neighbors roof and together pulled the plunger back. Once Esther saw them safely climbing back down the ladder they brought she then ran off.

* * *

"Bossley, Bossley!" Both Stan and Kat rolled their eyes.

Stan looked back at Pip and asked grumpily, "What, Pip?"

"Oh, no, no, no, no! My name is Sabrina Duncan, remember?"

Kat grunted in aggravation and put her phone away. "I have no signal and can't get to the wifi. This place is a prison."

"Not anymore! We've completed our mission!" Stan and Kat blinked back at him. "Jill found a way upstairs!"

"He did?" Kat followed Stan over to the other Angels to a hole in the wall with the grate on the ground.

"Air shaft," Dougie said.

"Dougie pushed that big box out of the way and found this whole ventilation duct," Butters explained. "I recon it's gotta lead somewhere and that's good cause that means we won't drown."

"So, Bossley, what's our next mission?" Pip asked.

"We go upstairs."

"Oh, w-why would we wanna go upstairs?" Butters scuffed the ground with his shoe. "There ain't nothing but adults upstairs. Why would we wanna go upstairs for?"

"Because they have rad food and deserts upstairs," Kat snapped at them. Stan crawled into the air shaft and Kat followed after him tailed by the Angels.

Stan and Kat unscrewed the next grate and they all crawled out. She looked around and said, "Looks like we're on the second level now."

"We've completed our mission!" Pip cheered. "Great job, Angels!"

"What's our mission now, Bossley?" Butters asked.

Kat raised an eyebrow at Stan as he played along. "All right, Angels, your next mission is to get Bossley some cookies and a T.V. set."

Pip asked, "What kind of cookies do you want, Bossley?"

"I don't care, just hurry!"

"And don't get caught!" Kat quickly added before the three of them ran off. They were quiet for a moment and then there was the sound of gunfire. She looked around confused. "Did you hear gunfire?"

He eyed her confused. "What?"

"Never mind." She glanced at him worried. "Hey, do you feel kinda bad for using those kids?"

He stared at her. "You're such a chick." She punched him in the arm. "Ow!"

"Bossley!" Pip ran back to them with two brown bags. "I have retrieved the cookies for you. And you as well, Kat," He handed them each a bag.

She was surprised he gave her anything. "Wow, thanks, P-uh-Sabrina."

"Bossley!" Butters ran up to them with a smile. "Come on and follow me!" They followed him down the hall and entered a bedroom. "Come right on in here, Bossley. It was my idea, I got to thinkin' where do people keep T.V. sets? And then I remembered that grownups have T.V.s in their bedrooms so- so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom and here it was!"

"Wow, rad!" Stan and Kat got onto Mr. Mackey's bed and Stan turned on the television while she munched on cookies.

"Okay, Bossley, we got you cookies and a T.V. set," Pip said. "What's our next mission?"

"There are no more missions, I have everything I want."

"Oo, change it to the news," Kat said.

He gave her an odd look. "The news? No way. It's boring stuff that old people like."

She stared at him flatly. "Shows how much news you watch. The news has become just more mindless entertainment. Watch," she snagged the remote from him and flipped the channel over.

A reporter stood in front of a decorated house with the ATF surrounding the house. "Tom, I'm standing in front of a house where a religious cult is planning to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts."

"Wow, cool!" Stan smiled.

Dougie spoke up, "Someday I wanna be a reporter."

"Just moments ago, a couple emerged from the house." They showed a black and white photo of the couple and Kat narrowed her eyes.

"I recognize them..."

"According to the ATF the couple refused to cooperate then pulled out very big guns and started shooting everybody. The ATF had no choice but to shoot the insane couple and a standoff has now ensued."

Kat nudged Stan. "Hey, does that house look familiar?"

"Oh boy!" Pip jumped in excitement. "It looks like that cult is about to be blow into tiny bits!"

"The ATF commander tells us that he has reason to believe that there may be children inside and they are the primary concern of all."

"Wait a minute," Stan hopped off the bed and walked over to the window. "Oh my God! Dude!" He ran back over. "That's this house! They think our parents are the religious cult group!"

"Goddammit!" Kat threw her bag of cookies at the ground. "Damn ATF! It's just like the Waco siege!"

"Do you think someday I could be a reporter?" Dougie asked and she glared at him.

"We've just received a photo from the recon team of the action inside the house." They showed a black and white photo of Stan looking panicked in the window. "There are indeed children trapped inside. Those sick cult fanatic bastards."

"Hey, our parents aren't religious fantastic's," Butters said. "Why we gotta tell them they're making an awful mistake, don't we?"

"Yes!" Pip agreed. "Come on, Angels! We have a new mission!"

The five of them ran downstairs to the uncontrolled adults still partying hard. "Hey, guys!" Kat shouted at them. "We've got a problem!"

No one seemed to pay her any mind. Stan shouted, "The ATF is outside and they think you all are a religious cult! You gotta go outside and go talk to them!"

"Raise the roof!" None of them had any balance. One woman passed out on the ground while a man ran through the house in his underwear.

Kat looked around and then spotted her mom stumbling through the crowd. "Mom!"

"Thank God," Stan said. "Your mom is the only sane adult left in this town."

"Mom!" The five of them hurried over to the drunk woman. "Mom, the ATF is outside! They're gonna go Waco on us if you guys don't do something!"

"Mommy's little dumpling," she slurred as she knelt down to them. Kat winced as her mother pet her like a cat. "I haven't had sex in _weeks. _I wonder if I should give Larry a call..."

"First off, ew." Kat shoved her mother's hand away. "Second, who the hell is Larry?"

"He's mommy's fifth boyfriend!" Stan glanced at Kat worried as she went wide eyed.

"_Fifth _boyfriend?" She questioned. "Mom, what the hell? Please tell me you're talking about before dad."

"Oh, sweetie, there's a lot of things you don't know about mommy!" Ellen got back up and downed the rest of her glass. "Oh Mr. Mackey!" She sang. "I need you to fill me up!" She giggled and staggered off.

"Jesus," she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Come on," Stan led them back to the front door. "I think we need to handle this ourselves."

"Why do us kids get stuck with the adult work?" Kat complained before they cautiously opened the door.

Stepping outside, the ATF readied all their firearms and all spotlights were on them. The commander on the megaphone ordered, "Lay down your weapons!"

"We don't have any weapons," Stan replied.

"Go back inside and tell everyone that they are surrounded! Tell them to come out peacefully and we will not shoot-"

The rest was drowned out by the gunfire. Bullets sprayed around them and they jumped around to avoid getting shot. "Get back inside!" Kat jumped and opened the door.

Securing the door shut behind them, Stan looked around frantically and spotted his dad kneeling beside his mom in a chair. "Look! My dad doesn't seem wasted this time!" They followed him over to them. "Dad- Dad! They shot at us!"

Randy sighed dejectedly. "Not now, Stan." Kat watched him baffled as he walked away.

"Mom!"

"Whoopie!" Sharon threw the bowl of chips into the air, spilling it all over.

"Dammit," Kat and Stan looked all around them. "All the adults here are wasted! And the ones who aren't won't be any help."

"We gotta figure out what's going on."

They went back upstairs to Mr. Mackey's bedroom and watched the news. "I'm standing here now with Danny Hanns, the Commander of the ATF. Commander, what is the latest?"

"We have not had any cooperation with the cult inside the house. They refuse to come out and apparently still plan to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts. Which should be any moment now."

"See how those reporters get to wear cool jackets?" Dougie pointed at the news reporters jacket. "That's why I wanna be a reporter."

"So what are your plans, Commander?"

"Right now our plan is to burn the house down." Kat gasped. "Once we set it on fire they'll have no choice but to come out."

"Th-they're gonna burn the house down!" Butters cried. "Oh sweet mother Mary wife of Joseph mother of-" Kat slapped him across the face to shut him up.

"Setting them on fire seems a little dangerous, Commander."

"It is, but we can't let them kill themselves."

"We've got to do something to convince the ATF we aren't a cult," Stan said.

"But we can't," Pip argued. "They're going to shoot at us again."

"They're gonna burn us up and act like it never happened!" Butters began panicking again. "Oh sweet Jesus son of Mary son of-" Kat slapped him again.

"Come on, Angels," she said. "We have a new mission. And this time it's for real." She went into Mr. Mackey's closet and rummaged through it. She brought out a video camera and microphone and led them back downstairs to the party. "Okay, Jill, you wanna be a reporter?"

"Do I!" Dougie smiled.

"All right, then give us the greatest report you got," she said handing the camera to Stan. "Convince the ATF we aren't cultists!" She handed Dougie the microphone and counted down with her fingers.

She pointed at Dougie to go. "This is Jill Munroe reporting live from inside the Meteor Shower party. As you can see, this is a perfectly normal party. Nobody is killing themselves. We tried to tell ATF people, but they shot at us. Don't burn us, please. This is Jill Munroe signing off."

"Now what?" Pip asked as Stan took out the tape.

"Now we find a way to get this tape to the real reporters," he replied.

"Hey, I'm a real reporter," Dougie said defensively.

"You're right, you're a real reporter, Dougie," Kat said. "You did a great job." He smiled.

"I think I know what to do," Pip said and they gathered around. "If you can find me a bow, arrow and some rope, I can secure a line to the outside from the bedroom window. Then someone can ride it out to deliver the tape."

"Great idea, Sabrina," Stan said and they hurried upstairs.

They split up to gather the materials and Kat returned with a plunger. "There aren't any arrows, but I have this plunger."

"Oh, splendid!" Pip took the plunger and practiced aiming.

Kat ran to the window and gasped, seeing a massive cannon labeled Negotiator aiming at the house. "Dudes, we're out of time!"

"Okay, Butters," Stan secured rope around Butters. "You ready? You just gotta ride the rope down and get this tape to the news reporter out there." He shoved the tape in his hand.

"Well, that sounds awful dangerous," Butters said warily.

Kat glared back at him. "So does getting sot, blown up and set on fire." She then turned to Pip as he tired the rope to the plunger. "Can you do it, Sabrina?"

"I was archery class esquire, Stratfordshire," he replied and took aim. She watched as he fired and nailed Officer Barbrady in the side of the head. "I think that's got it!" He tugged on the rope and Barbrady continued to sip his soda.

"Nice job, Pip," Stan said.

"Did I do a nice job? Really?"

"Okay, Butters, now it's your turn." Stan and Dougie got him hooked onto the wire as Kat and Pip held the rope.

"I-I don't know guys," Butters replied. "I think I'm going to reconsider. Yup, reconsidering seems to be the right thing to do right now." Dougie pushed him and sent him rolling down the rope.

"He made it down!" Stan said happily.

They ran back to the television and resumed watching the news. The camera was focused on the Negotiator aiming at the house until the news reporter ran in front of it. "Hold on just a minute! This is Derek Smalls reporting. We've received an exclusive video from inside the house proving the people inside aren't cult fanatics after all!"

The camera swerved to focused on the nervous Commander. "A-Attention everyone!" He shouted, waving his arms. "This has only been a test! Good job men on this simulation!"

"What?" The Commander slapped the ATF man who questioned him.

"All is well! Do not shoot-" The Negotiator fired and the kids gasped. The camera focused on a house behind theirs that exploded. The pieces that flew crashed into the house next to it and started a chain reaction of all the houses around them exploding. They kids glanced at each other as the parents downstairs cheered with the booms.

They all ran outside next to Butters and the reporter and Kat flipped off the ATF. "GODDAMN BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, FIREARMS AND EXPLOSIVES! YOU JUST PULLED A GODDAMN WACO!" She blinked and suddenly all the vehicles, choppers and tanks sped away out of sight. She furrowed her brows up. "Where the fuck did they go?"

"I believe we saved the day!" Pip said.

"Say, that was a fine piece of journalism, boys," the reporter said.

Kat glared at him. "I'm a girl, ass."

"Wow, you mean it?" Dougie asked.

The reporter ignored her. "Sure, with your tape I'll be able to make millions and further my career beyond my wildest dreams." He then left with his news crew.

"Well, Angels, I must say we did a smashing job," Pip said.

"We sure did," Butters agreed. "Why we put the fear of God in those ATF sons of guns, I can tell ya!"

"But you know, I learned something today," Stan said. Kat looked around confused as a piano began playing. "I used to call you guys Melvins, but you're just kids, like me. We separate you from us in school because you talk different or you study too hard, but we've proven tonight that we can all get along."

"Does that mean we get to stay friends?" Butters asked. "Wouldn't that be swell? Huh?"

"Dudes!" They all looked over to see Kyle and his little brother Ike approach them dressed in scout uniforms with fake curls of hair. "I'm glad to see you guys. you won't believe the night I had!"

"You?" Kat questioned. "_You_ think you had a bad night?"

"We had to hang out all night with these stupid Melvins," Stan added. "Then the ATF showed up!"

"Oh, dudes, weak," Kyle said.

"Super weak," Kat and Stan agreed.

"Come on, I'll tell you all about what happened to me," Kyle said and they followed him back into the house.

* * *

The four of them were gathered in Mr. Mackey's bedroom eating snacks as Kyle told them his story. "The Squirts stood on top of one another to reach the keys and unlock everyone from the cabin, as Kenny saved the day by smashing his head against the conch shell to free Moses, and Haman was defeated. Moses then killed Garth, and then we all found out Kenny died smashing open the conch shell. Moses declared that we the Jews shall meet every year on this day to celebrate Kenny by making macaroni pictures and paper plate bean shakers decorated with glue and glitter."

Kat and Stan stared at him silently for a long moment as they processed everything. Kat then spoke up, "So... Kenny's dead."

Kyle nodded and Ike replied, "Super dead!"

"Does anyone else get an odd feeling about that?" Kat asked. The boys only stared at her. "Anyone? No?"

"So what happened with you guys?" Kyle asked.

Both Stan and Kat sighed and rubbed their temples. "At first we showed up to attend this stupid party," Stan replied, "and we got locked in the basement with the Melvins."

"Then the ATF showed up thinking everyone here was a religious cult planning to kill themselves at the meteor shower."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Of course."

"Of course the adults were too wasted to do anything," Stan said.

"So we worked with the other kids who were playing Charlie's Angels to convince the ATF this isn't fucking Waco," Kat added. "They ran away when they realized they fucked up."

Kyle then looked concerned. "If everyone's so wasted then how do we get home?"

They looked at one another. No one had a clue. Ike then said, "Uh-oh..."

Kay sighed heavily. "Goddammit, I have to meet up with the girls..."

"Dude, what the hell is going on?" Stan asked. "You keep being vague and talk about the girls."

She pursued her lips, debating. "Can I trust you guys to not tell Cartman?"

They both stared at her flatly. "Dude."

"Yeah, dude," Ike added.

She smiled. "Right. Well, the girls broke into Cartman's house and stole back my things and the love letter."

They went wide eyed. "Seriously!?"

"Yeah." She raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Just be careful," Stan said. "Cartman will be out for revenge and he can get dangerous."

"So?" She scoffed. "I can just kick his ass! He's a pussy, you guys."

"We know he's not good at fighting," Kyle said, "but he will figure out a way to attack you mentally and emotionally. Just make sure he doesn't find out."

"Whatever, it's what he gets for starting the sexual harassment cases." She took out her phone and messed with it. "Plus he posted my love letter on Facebook. How fucked up is that?"

"Oh, yeah," Kyle looked away awkwardly.

Stan glanced between the two of them. "Well I think I'm going to see if my dad is still sober enough to drive." He then got up and dragged Ike with him out of the room.

"So," Kyle rubbed the back of his neck. "About that love letter... How did you like it?"

Kat continued typing and shrugged. "It was a little cheesy, but I like cheese."

"Do you have any idea who wrote it?"

"Nope." Kyle didn't know how to feel about that. "I hope to find out when I get the letter. I don't know if I'll tell people if I find out. The kid's gonna get ripped on for sure."

"What if there's no name on the letter? Are you gonna try to figure it out then?"

Kat stopped her typing and looked up thoughtfully. "Maybe. Depends if I'm lazy or not."

Kyle sighed dejectedly. He then perked up and said, "You know... You look good!"

"I hate it," she replied, focusing on her phone again, and Kyle hung his head.

"Guys!" Stan poked his head back into the room. "My dad isn't interested in taking us home, so I'm gonna walk."

"I'm joining," Kat said as she stood.

"Might as well," Kyle stood as well and they left the raging party together.

* * *

Kat walked into her bedroom and gasped happily. Her room was filled with her toys again. Leonidas jumped off the bed and ran up to her. "Meow!"

"I know, right!" She patted his head and then took off her dress, using it to wipe off the makeup, and then put on her pajamas.

She hopped into her desk chair and grabbed the letter that was on it. She examined the envelope and paper itself, but no name. She then got onto her Facebook and read the first post she saw by Alek: [Dude, are you fucking dead? I saw the news and the ATF was going to go Waco on South Park.]

She commented: [I'm fine. We managed to convince them we weren't a suicidal cult group. They blew up four houses and then left.]

Aaron asked: [Dude, what the hell was with that lame letter that fat kid tagged you on?]

Dustin added: [Totally gay.]

Kat rolled her eyes: [Yeah, let's forget about the ATF almost killing me and focus on the letter. It's just something a boy wrote to me. Who cares?]

Jordan said: [You don't understand, Kat. We, as males, HAVE to rip on this guy.] All the boys liked his comment.

[Well I don't know who wrote it. So have fun trying to figure it out.] She then left that post and scrolled up to the newest post. She froze when she read Cartman's post.

[Whoever stole Polly Prissypants... I will find you... And I will do so much worse than what Liam Neeson would do to you. You got that? I'm coming for you.]

"He's kinda pissed..." She got off the computer and looked around the room.

"Meow." Leonidas called her over.

She walked up and saw the lame doll that he was pawing at. "Aw, dammit."


	8. Penis Monsters

Kyle, Stan and Kenny hopped off the back porch into Kat's backyard. "[What are you doing?]" Kenny asked.

Kat was standing at a stick pile with the lame doll tied at the top. She was busy trying to light a match. "Attempting to burn the evidence," she replied.

They gathered around and watched as she finally managed to light the match. She tossed it onto the stick pile and they watched it burn slowly. Kyle looked at her and said, "You know, even if you burn it, he'll assume you have it still."

"Yeah," Stan agreed, "Cartman's kind of insane like that. He'd come through your chimney and like... Set your house on fire."

Kat sighed and untied the doll from its stake. "Dammit all." She left the burning sticks and the boys followed her back into the house. "What the hell am I supposed to do?" She threw the doll onto the couch.

"[Lock your doors and windows?]" Kenny suggested.

"Nah, Cartman would break in," Stan replied.

"How about you just give the doll back?" Kyle said. They all stared at him. He sighed and explained, "I hate Cartman. I do. I don't care if he gets his stupid doll. But I do care about him terrorizing Kat. And he **will** do that if he doesn't get his doll. Believe me."

"I guess," Kat shrugged. "He most likely already assumes it's me. Even though I didn't actually steal it."

They were all quiet for a moment. "[How about you leave it somewhere for him to find?]"

"That's a good idea," Kat said.

Kyle was skeptical. "You said so yourself that Cartman assumes it's you. Why not just confront him about it?"

"Because, dude," Kat replied and hopped onto the couch. "I'd rather not confront him about this. I just want my stuff back, I don't want to deal with this anymore." She smacked Polly Prissypants onto the floor to make room and Stan and Kenny jumped up with her. When Kyle didn't she asked, "Wanna watch T.V. with us?"

"I can't," he replied. "I promised my brother I'd play with him today."

"[That sucks.]"

"See you later, dude," Stan said.

"See you guys," Kyle replied and left the house.

"It sucks he has so many responsibilities," Kat said and she turned on the television. Chinpokomon was on. "Someday I will collect all the Chinpokomon! Then, I will fight the evil power that will reveal itself once all the Chinpokomon are collected! Ohhh!"

"Ohhh!" The three children mimicked.

"Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another inexplicable episode of Chinpokomon!" Then a commercial came on. "Hey, kids! Do you love Chinpokomon?"

"Yeah!" They replied.

"Well, now you can buy your very own! ~I've got to buy Chinpokomon~I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it!~ Now you can collect them all! Furrycat! Donkeytron! Pengin! Shoe! Lambtron! Collect them all, and you can become royal crown Chinpokomaster!"

All three of their jaws dropped. "Royal crown Chinpokomaster!?" Kat shouted.

"[Holy shit!]"

"All the Chinpokomon are in stores now!" The Japanese woman then came on the television again. "Chinpokomon is super universe toy number one! ~I've got to buy it, Chinpokomon!~"

"Mom!" Kat shouted.

Ellen could be heard sighing from the kitchen. "I heard, sweetie. Get ready to leave."

"Yay!" The three kids ran to get their shoes on.

Ellen drove them to the toy store and let them jump out before she could park. There was a large banner strung across the store saying, yes, we have Chinpokomon! The kids cheered and ran inside the chaos of other children running around. Kenny pointed and said, [Look! There's Pengin!]"

Kat gasped. "Holy shit, I see Ferasnarf!" The three of them spilt apart and collected their Chinpokomon. Ellen walked into the building surprised, dodging two kids fighting over a toy. "Mom! Mom!" She looked over to see Kat run up to her. "Can I have Ferasnarf and Biebersaurus, please!?"

Ellen sighed, "Yes, you can, sweetheart. Where are your friends?"

"Here we are!" Stan called as he and Kenny returned with toys.

"All right, let's buy your toys," Ellen said as she took them to the front counter.

"Thanks, Ms. Schumer!" Stan and Kenny said.

Soon enough Cartman showed up. Stan nudged Kat and they turned to his angry expression. "Hey, fatass," Stan greeted.

"Hey, dickholes!" Cartman snapped back. "I guess you saw the commercial, too!"

"Yep, I'm getting Roostor, Lambtron, and Shoe!" Stan replied.

Kat added, "My mom's buying me Ferasnarf and Biebersaurus." Cartman shot her a glare and she furrowed her brows up. Was he jealous or still suspicious?

"Well, that's nice, but I'm gonna get a Pengin! He's the coolest!" He walked away to the Pengin tub and they heard him shout, "Goddammit! There's no more Pengins!" After Kenny got his Pengin he walked over and Cartman noticed. "Kenny, Pengin is my favorite! That's the last one! Let me have it," he grabbed it, but Kenny pulled back.

"[Nu-uh.]"

"Mnya, Kenny! Let me have it!"

"[No!]"

"Mnya!"

"[No!]"

"Mnya! Gimme Pengin!"

"[Goddammit, no!]"

Watching them, Kat whispered to Stan, "You think I can dress his doll up like a Pengin and slip it to him?"

"Someone else could steal it and he'd still blame you," he replied and she pouted. "You think he still cares about his doll now? We have Chinpokomon, dude. These are the shit!"

She frowned skeptically. "I don't know..."

Ellen finally made it to the register with Cartman's mom Liane behind her. "I honestly don't see what they find so amusing about these things," she said.

"They're so strange," Liane agreed as she examined a Stegmata. "Where are they from?"

"Well, it's some new big thing from Japan," the cashier explained. "I tell ya, those Japanese really know how to market to kids."

The kids gathered around the television in the store and the Japanese woman came on. "Collect all Chinpokomon and you will have happy feelings!"

"Must collect Chinpokomon," the children chanted and set out like zombies to get more.

* * *

The next day Kat and Stan were playing with their Chinpokomon at the bus stop. Kenny joined them until Cartman showed up. "Okay, Kenny. I'll trade you my Chu Chu Nezumi for your Pengin."

Kenny glared at him. "[Fuck you!]"

"Goddammit!" He shouted. "You're supposed to trade with me you little asshole! Give me Pengin!"

"Hey, dudes!" Kyle greeted as he approached. "What're those?"

Kat became horrified as Stan repeated incredulously, "What'er these? They're Chinpokomon, dude."

"Huh?"

Cartman tilted his head at him. "You don't appear to _have_ any Chinpokomon."

"No, but look!" Kyle help up his action figure. "I just got this sweet Cyborg Bill doll!"

Cartman scoffed. "Oh, please. Cyborg Bill is so yesterday."

Kat frowned regrettably. "I hate to agree with fatman, but Cyborg Bill is ancient history, dude."

Kyle was surprised. "Cyborg Bill isn't cool anymore?"

"No, dude," Stan replied.

"Cyborg Bill hasn't been cool for a long time, Kyle," Cartman said.

"Why the hell don't people tell me these things!?"

Kat furrowed her brows up. "We watched an episode of Chinpokomon yesterday, dude."

"If you collect Chinpokomon you can complete the primary main objective," Stan said.

"What's the 'primary main objective'?"

"You don't even know what the primary main objective is?" Cartman questioned.

Kat replied, "The primary main objective is to destroy the evil power."

"But what's the evil power?" Kyle's lack of knowledge made Stan and Kat bother scoff in frustration.

"My god! The identity of the evil power won't be revealed until all Chinpokomon are collected by a royal crown Chinpokomaster!" Cartman explained.

Kyle was hopelessly lost. "What?"

"Duh!"

"[God, get with the times, dude.]"

"Duh!" Cartman taunted again as they left Kyle alone.

He threw his Cyborg Bill doll to the ground. "Shit!"

* * *

Kat went back to her bedroom and changed into her pajamas. "Move, Leonidas," she pushed her kitten off the bed and he hissed. She then gave her Chinpokomon their own spaces next to her and she snuggled into be to sleep. "Goodnight, Ferasnarf. Goodnight, Biebersaurus."

Leonidas glared up at her as she closed her eyes. "... Meow."

"Shh." She rolled over away from him.

He flattened his ears thoroughly annoyed. After she fell asleep he jumped up onto the bed and glared down at the Chinpokomon. "Chinpoko. Buy me. Buy me." Leonidas raised an eyebrow at the Biebersaurus. "When will you become royal Chinpokomaster?" He sniffed it curiously. It wasn't alive. He pressed his paw on it and it squeaked. "Buy me!" He squeaked it again. "Down with America!"

"Meow?" He pressed it again.

"I love you. Let's be best friends! And destroy the capitalist American Government!" Leonidas hissed at is and leapt off the bed.

* * *

Kyle stared down at his Lambtron as he made his way to Cartman's house. "I don't understand what's great about you." He knocked on the front door, but no one answered. He sighed and let himself in, seeing Kat, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman on his couch playing a videogame. "Hey, you guys, check out my sweet Chinpokomon doll!"

"Oh, please, Chinpokomon dolls are _so_ last week," Cartman replied, remaining focused on the television screen.

"What!?"

"Yeah, dude. Don't you know?" Kat raised an eyebrow at him. "It's all about the Chinpokomon videogame now."

"Did you bring your special Chinpokomon game controller?" Stan asked.

"What? No!"

"Oh," Cartman became awkward at Kyle's embarrassment. "You didn't _get_ a special Chinpokomon game controller?" He laughed. "Jesus Christ."

They turned back to the game. "Chinpokomon! What is the primary main objective?"

"To destroy the evil power!" They all chanted while Kyle only watched them worried.

The main character came on the screen. "I've got to buy all the Chinpokomon so I can destroy the evil power, ohhh!"

"Ohhh!"

"What the actual fuck is going on!?" Kyle shouted as they resumed their game. "Kat, you're playing videogames with Cartman!? Cartman, don't you hate her for having your doll!?" He waited, but they didn't pay him any mind. Frustrated he shouted, "I love Kat!"

Kenny looked over at him. "[Did you say something about Chinpokomon?]"

"Dammit!" Kyle stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind him.

"I've got to buy them all," the main character said. "So first I'd better go to Hawaii and visit Pear Harbor!"

The Japanese instructions lady popped up on the screen. "Try to bomb the harbor. Ready? Go."

They all grunted as they tried bombing the harbor and its ships frantically. The main character chanted at them, "I must buy them all! I must buy them all!"

"We must buy them all!" They chanted.

"Try to bomb the harbor!"

They were broken out of their focus as Kenny suddenly fell from the couch and writhed on the ground. Kat went wide eyed, "Dude, the videogame gave Kenny a seizure!"

"Dude, this game rules!" Cartman said as they continued playing.

* * *

"Dammit, not even the doll or my confession can break them out of that stupid game," Kyle grumbled. He stopped short when he saw Leonidas slumping on the sidewalk. "Leonidas?"

His ears perked up and he glanced at him. "Meow." He returned to sulking and Kyle sat beside him.

"Chinpokomon got you down, too, huh?" Leonidas hissed at the mention of it. "Yeah, I know what you mean." Kyle looked up to see Ellen approaching them. "Hey, Ms. Schumer."

"Hey there, Kyle. There you are Leonidas. Kyle, can you watch the kitten for me really quick? I'm just visiting the Marsh's for a bit."

"Yeah, sure."

"Wonderful," Ellen handed him some money and then continued to Stan's house.

She knocked on the door and Sharon answered with a smile. "Ellen! Come on in, I have some coffee if you want some."

"Yes please, thank you," Ellen replied and took a seat on the couch.

Sharon got her a cup of coffee and joined her as Randy came in. "Hey, Ellen. What are you guys doing?"

"We're watching one of the kids' Chinpokomon video tapes," Sharon replied.

"Why?" He asked.

"Our kids love this show," Ellen replied. "We thought it was a good idea to watch it to see if it was teaching them good moral values."

"Hey, you must be Roostor! I haven't bought one of you yet, but I bet you can transform into Roostalion if you found diamond skill seven!"

He hugged it and it crowed, "Roostor!"

Then another character popped into the screen. "Hey, I'm gonna take your Roostor and put it in this bag, where it will flourish or expire depending on fate."

"Hey, is that a good idea?"

"Roostors aren't like Chu Chu Nezumi's. They haven't the heart for such endeavors."

"Ohhh!"

The parents stared at the television dumbstruck. Randy finally asked, "Are those good moral values?"

"I don't know what the hell they're talking about," Sharon replied.

"We may have started on a bad episode," Ellen replied. "We may just missed something. Does Stan have anymore tapes?"

Several hours later, the parents were holding their heads in their hands, their mouths hanging open at the sheer nonsense the show was giving them. "Lambtron, you are losing the battle of your life!"

"But Lambtron's power level gives him a good chance of new fight; will they succeed?"

"I am sad now, because Lambtron must be very lonely, because there are so few Lambtrons in the world. Will he ever find a companion?"

"I don't this I can take much more of this," Ellen said.

"This doesn't make sense!" Sharon said. "I can't tell if those stupid things are supposed to be animals or robots or what?"

"I don't know," Randy replied, "but I suddenly kind of wanna own them all."

"We can't allow our children to watch this stuff." Sharon stood and took the VHS tape from the VCR.

"Well it's not like it's vulgar or violent," Ellen reasoned.

"No, but it's incredibly stupid and that can be worse on a child's mind then any vulgarity or violence," Sharon countered. "Remember what battle of the Network Stars did to an entire generation?"

Randy stared at the ground. "My god, you're right."

* * *

Stan and Kat dragged Kenny down the sidewalk towards Tom's Rhinoplasty, seeing Cartman with his guitar trying to sing for money. "How's it going, Fatass?" Stan asked.

He glared at them. "I haven't made any money yet."

"What!?" Kat glared back at him. "You've been out here all weekend! How'er we gonna raise money to get to the Chinpokomon camp!?"

"Hey, I'm the one who's been standing out here with this gay guitar like a goddamn hippie all weekend," Cartman snapped back. "What have you assholes done?"

"We can't do anything," Stan replied. "Kenny still hasn't come out of his seizure."

"I've got it!" They turned to Kyle as he ran up to them. "I've got my Chinpokomon game controller!"

They stared at him for a moment before laughing. "Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ. Get with the program, Kyle," Cartman said.

"Yeah, nobody plays the Chinpokomon videogames anymore," Kat said. "Now it's all about the big weekend Chinpokomon camp."

"Camp?"

Cartman sighed. "The makers of Chinpokomon are going town to town and putting on a special camp to show the Chinpokomasters how to destroy the evil power."

"You didn't know that?" Stan questioned.

"No, I know it. I knew it," Kyle quickly replied. "I was just testing you guys. You just wait till I get to that Chinpokomon camp. I'm gonna be the toughest master of them all. So we'll see you there." Walking away he added, "Ai."

"Dude, did you just say 'ai'?" Stan questioned.

"Yeah. You know. Like Lauren Hill. Ai," he said.

Kat pinched the bridge of her nose as Cartman grinned. "Oh my god. That's so yesterday!"

"Yeah, dude, no one says 'ai' anymore," Kat said.

"What!? 'Ai's not cool either? When did that happen?"

"Like eight days ago," Cartman replied.

"Goddammit!"

* * *

Kat ran into her house and bypassed the waiting Leonidas, making him agitated. "Hey, mom! Mom!" She ran up to her mother sitting on the couch and Ellen looked down at her. "My friends and I tried raising money on our own to go to the Chinpokomon camp, but we failed. Would you mind letting me go to the camp anyways?"

Ellen furrowed her brows up, thinking it over. "Are your friends going?"

"Of course!" She replied as if it were obvious. "Everyone's going!"

"All right, if you finish all your chores I'll pay for you to go."

"Yay!"

The phone rang as Kat jumped around happily. Leonidas walked over and sat to glare at her as Ellen answered the phone. "Hello? Yes... Okay, I'll be over shortly." She hung up and said, "Kat, I need to go see the Marsh's really quick. Make sure to feed Leonidas, okay?"

"Okay!" Leonidas rolled his eyes and Ellen left the house.

Ellen showed up at the Marsh's and it was packed with other parents including the McCormicks, the Broflovskis and the Tweeks. Ellen stood by Liane as they watched a commercial for the Chinpokomon camp. "Hey, kids! Only one more day till the Chinpokomon camp! Come early and join the Chinpokofun! ~Chinpokomon Camp~! ~I have to buy a ticket! I have to buy one! A ticket! I got to buy, buy, buy!~" The Japanese lady came on. "This Saturday and Sunday, you can't wait to go! Chinpokomon!"

Sharon shut off the television. "We just thought we'd bring it to everyone's attention because honestly, we don't know how to feel."

"Well I'm letting Eric go to the camp," Liane replied.

"I'm letting Kat go as well," Ellen said. "I haven't seen harm and I don't want to separate her from her new friends."

"Yeah, we told Kyle he could go if he did all his chores and he did," Sheila added.

"No, I'm not sure this blatant commercialism is good for our kids," Randy said,

"Well, you know how it is, Randy," she said. "The more we forbid them to play with Chinpokomons the more they're gonna love them."

"You're right, Sheila," Sharon relented. "I guess the best thing we can do is just let them go until they get sick with it."

"I've heard they were doing these camps around the country," Ellen said. "How bad could they be? I'm sure the kids will be fine."

* * *

"Get out of the way! Move it!" Cartman took the front of the group and shoved everyone aside to get through the mass of kids with their Chinpokomon.

"Can you see anything?" Stan asked.

Suddenly everyone started cheering and the large television screens set up showed Chinpokomon. "It's starting it's starting!" Kat said excitedly.

"~I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon!~"

A small Japanese man walked up to a microphone. "Attention. Attention." The audience went silent. "This is Chinpokomon Camp."

"Chinpokomon is what we store between our hearts," everyone chanted.

"O-our hearts," Kyle added and glanced around. He then noticed Kenny not saying anything. "Kenny?"

"What is the primary main objective?" The Japanese man asked.

"To destroy the evil power!"

"P-power..."

"Yes. And what is the evil power?" They were all silent. "The evil power is... The United States Government!"

"Oh," Cartman realized.

"United States Government is an evil power! It has attacked Japanese military! It has broken Japanese spirit! And what do Chinpokomasters do to the evil power?"

"Destroy it!" The children replied.

"Destroy it?" Kyle questioned and Kat glanced at him.

"That is correct," the Japanese man said. "Now, it is a great honor to present your Chinpokoleader, Emperor Hirohito!" He moved aside and clapped as a man in an extravagant samurai suit with a Lambtron on the helm came on stage.

"One government cannot forever pass its laws on others. The strength of Japan is in its history, and it is based on that history that we shall again rise to the dominant world power!"

"Is this cool or not?" Kat asked. "I can't tell."

"Me neither," Stan agreed.

"It is again time for the rising sun to ship tall in the sky! One Japan! One society!" The Japanese man clapped again as the Emperor left the stage.

"We will begin with language and exercise skills. Hajimete!"

Two Japanese men came on stage in sweat suits and started doing squats. "Ichi, Ni, San, Shi! Ichi, Ni, San, Shi!"

The glanced at each other, but they followed instructions and began squatting and counting, Ichi, Ni, San, Shi! Ichi, Ni, San, Shi!"

* * *

After the weekend, all the students in Mr. Garrison's class were giggling and speaking Japanese, holding their Chinpokomon at their desks. "Okay, children, I want it quiet!" Mr. Garrison shouted and the student went silent with their Asian smiles. "Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?"

Kat raised her hand and replied. "Juuhachi desu ka?"

The class then said with her, "Juuhachi da nee!"

"No, goddammit! It's eighteen!" Mr. Garrison shouted.

"Juuhachi- is eighteen, Garrison-san!" Stan replied.

"For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san, all right!? And this is not Hat-san! And you all better start talking in a matter that I can understand!"

"Wuu, Garrison-san sabuchii dana," Cartman said.

"WHAT DID HE SAY!?"

"He said, 'Garrison-san sabuchii dana'," Kat replied.

"Soo desu nee!" The class said.

"Dammit, this is not Japan!" Mr. Garrison shouted.

"Minata," Cartman said, "Kite kite, Churi..." He then farted and the class laughed.

"Dare ga pu shita no!" Wendy said and Mr. Garrison ran out of the classroom screaming.

* * *

After school Ellen loaded Kat into the car and drove her somewhere. Kat stared out the window confused and asked, "Okaasan, watashitachi wa doko ni iku no?"

Ellen's eye twitched and she replied, "We're almost there sweetheart." They drove up to a science building and Ellen kicked her out of the car. "Just go outside sweetie!" She then sped off.

"Weird," she replied and entered the building.

She was guided to a room where she found her friends sitting on a couch. She jumped up and joined them, staring at a large television as the scientists explained, "All right, children, we're going to show you a couple of commercials and you tell us which toy interests you the most. Now watch carefully..."

The television came on, "Hey kids, do you like Chinpokomon?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, then you're gonna go wild for Wild Wacky Action Bike!"

"Gay," Cartman cut them off.

"Yeah, dude, that's totally gay," Stan said.

"Oh, okay..." The scientists scribbled that down. "Then how about this?"

"Hey, kids, do you love Chinpokomon?"

"Yeah!"

"Then you're gonna love Alabama Man!"

Kat started, "Gay!"

"Totally gay," Stan added.

"Liberace gay," Kyle said.

"Oh, well..." They began writing, but the kids hopped off the couch and started leaving. "Wait, we still have more commercials to show you!"

As the boys filed out, Kat turned back to the scientists and said, "Let me make this easy for you. Gay, retarded, super gay, and retardedly gay." She flashed them the peace sign and left.

* * *

Later that day, the children were dressed in Japanese military uniforms marching down the main street of South Park, following the Japanese man and waving Japanese flags. "Owatta!"

"Beikoku!" The children replied.

"Owatta!"

"Beikoku! Nihon en ima hajimaru!"

"Katherine!?" Ellen walked along the sidewalk, waving out to her little girl in the front line. "Katherine! It's mom! Katherine, you need to come home, Leonidas misses you!" She frowned as her daughter didn't respond. "Katherine!" She walked out and grabbed her arm, but the marching suddenly stopped and the children swarmed in. Ellen became worried, "Katherine, please, you need to come home."

Kat glared at her and replied, "Kore wa watashi no uchi desu!"

"Soo desu ne!" The children moved in and Ellen was forced to back away, but the Japanese man came in-between them and Ellen blinked.

"Do not worry. Everything is okay."

"No, it's not okay!" She shouted.

"Oh, but you have such a large penis!"

Ellen blinked. "What?"

"Your penis! Wow!"

The emperor came over and smacked him upside the head. "What he mean it that all men in this town have very large penis."

Ellen glanced around and noticed all the men smiling. "Don't you realize what's happening?" She questioned. "They're just using that talk to distract you! You're just believing a stereotype- I bet he doesn't really have a small penis!"

"Misenasai!" The Japanese man followed the order and dropped his pants, making Ellen's jaw drop and face turn red.

"O-oh," Ellen adverted her eyes. "Um..."

He pulled his pants back up. "Owatta!"

"Beikoku!"

"Owatta!"

"Beikoku!"

Ellen watched helplessly as the children began marching again. "My god," Gerald murmured, "Is there nothing we can do?"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" Sharon ran in front of the parents. "I think I know the answer! I know how to get our kids to stop liking Chinpokomon!"

* * *

The children gathered at the South Park airport were Japanese fighter planes were lined up. "Your plane will fly autopilot to Pearl Harbor," the Japanese man said. "When you arrive, you will drop many bombs!"

"Hai, Sachoo-san," they replied. They spread out to their plans, but Kat and her friends were stopped by their parents. "Nan da kore?" Stan asked.

All the parents smiled like Asians and Randy replied, "Chinpoko ga dai-suki yoo."

Kat blinked. "The fuck?"

"We just came to support you," Randy explained. "We love Chinpokomon, too. It's super toy number one!"

"You like it?" Stan questioned.

"You bet," Mr. Garrison replied. "I think Chinpokomon is Chinpokarific. I got Shoe!"

"Come on, Eric," Liane went over and knelt to him. "Let's try to battle your Roostor with my Donkeytron!"

"Uh, no..." He leaned away awkwardly. "That's okay, mom."

"Hey, Katherine, look at my new bumper sticker!" Ellen showed off the sticker saying My kids is a Chinpokokid! "Isn't that cool?"

She stared at it. "No." The parents laughed and spoke Japanese. Kat glared at her toy before tossing it away. "Screw this, dude."

Stan watched her. "Where're you going, Kat?"

"To kill ants or something," she replied and shrugged. "Chinpokomon don't seem cool anymore."

Stan followed her and Cartman chased after them saying, "Wait for me, I want to get out of these stupid clothes."

All the kids agreed and left their Chinpokomon in a large pile in the runway. Kat walked up to her mom and said, "Hey mom, I'm sorry I went a little crazy with that Chinpokomon stuff. Can I have some money to buy a basketball?"

"Of course, sweetie," Ellen handed her ten dollars. They then heard jet engines and they turned to see Kyle in a fighter plane chanting, "Owatta beikoku!"

His parents jaws dropped. "Kyle, it's over!" Sheila said.

"But I'm gonna be royal crown Chinpokomaster!"

"Dude, Chinpokomon isn't cool anymore," Stan said.

"What!?"

"Yeah, dude, that's way over," Cartman replied as a rat crawled onto Kenny.

"Y-You're just jealous, because I'm Chinpokomaster!"

"No, Kyle, you see, we've learned something today," Stan said and the music began playing. "This whole Chinpokomon thing happened because we all followed the group. We only liked Chinpokomon because everyone else did. And look at the damage it caused."

"So now I should stop liking Chinpokomon because you all don't?"

Stand and Kat glanced at each other. "...Yeah."

"But if I stop now, I'd just be going with the group again, so to be an individual, I have to bomb Pearl Harbor. See ya."

Kyle began rolling again and Kat blinked. "Oh. Wait," she rushed to the front and Kyle stopped again. "Actually, Stan was wrong. You see, Kyle, I learned something just now. It is good to go with the group. A group mentality is healthy sometimes."

Kyle sighed heavily. "Aw, screw it. I'm too confused." He jumped out of the plane and she smiled.

"You're getting the hang of it," Stan told her.

Cartman then noticed the rats over Kenny's body and he smacked them away. "Ey! Get off of him! He's not dead yet!"

* * *

The next day the five of them were standing at the bus stop and rats were crawling over Kenny again. "Get off you stupid rats!" Cartman shouted and shooed them away. "He's not dead yet!"

"Hey, you guys wanna go to the toy store after school and get some Spaceman Greg cards?" Stan asked.

"Nah, I think I'm through with fads for a while," Kyle replied.

Kenny shuddered and Kat raised an eyebrow at him. "Me too," Cartman agreed. "I'm choosing my own toys from now on because-" Kenny's body suddenly burst open and rats went swarming out of the cleanly eaten insides. Cartman laughed, "Oh, ho, ho, ho! Gross!" The rest of them laughed with him.

"That's funny," Kat said. "Here's your doll, Cartman."

"What?"

Kat tossed up Polly Prissypants and then punched him in the face, sending him flat on his back with his doll landing on his belly. "Don't say I didn't do anything nice for you." They all laughed again.


	9. Home Schooled

A/N: I am so sorry for this being a day late. I've just been working on my new gaming channel! Visit youtube and look up me! Acquisitive Margo! And watch me scare myself as I play a horror game!

* * *

Kat sat at her desk and worked on her spelling. There was some chatter in the class that Mr. Garrison was ignoring and Bebe leaned over to whisper, "Hey, Kat, did you ever figure out who wrote you that love letter?"

"No, I haven't."

Wendy furrowed her brows up and asked, "Have you even tried to figure it out?"

Kat skewed her mouth and replied, "There's too many boys to try and figure it out. Besides, it's too embarrassing to just walk up to someone and ask, 'hey, did you write this for me?'"

Bebe tapped her finger to her chin and then lit up. "I have an idea. Why don't you start off with who you want it to be?"

"Who I want it to be?" Kat stared down at her desk and thought about it. "I don't really know anyone here really well..."

"How was the spelling and penmanship?" Wendy asked.

"Really well, actually," she replied. "Whoever wrote it was creative, too." Wendy and Bebe exchanged a smile and Kat looked between them confused.

"All right, pencils down," Mr. Garrison said. "Everyone slide your paper to the right, we're going to grade." Everyone switched around papers and Bebe and Wendy looked over the papers they received. They then waited until no one was paying attention and they switched more papers around to check as many as they could. "All right I'll write down all the words correctly on the board here and you double check to make sure they're correct on the paper. If not mark it down and they lose a point. If you pass then you can get into the spelling bee tomorrow."

Bebe snagged another paper and then gasped happily. She double checked the work and marked down 100%. "Hey," she whispered and got Kat's attention. She slid the paper over and Kat checked out the handwriting. Surprised she nodded.

"All right now return the papers," Mr. Garrison said. "After that turn them up here."

After class Wendy and Bebe flanked Kat in the hall. "That handwriting was the same," Kat said.

"Are you sure?" Bebe asked.

"Yeah, pretty sure," she shrugged.

"Kat, that was Kyle's paper!" Wendy said excitedly.

She stared at her in shock. "W-W-what!? Kyle?"

"It still may not be Kyle who wrote the letter," Wendy continued. "He just has the same handwriting. You won't know until you ask him."

Kat stared at the ground thoughtfully. "Well... Yeah, okay..."

"Go get 'em, tiger!" Bebe slapped her back and the two girls left her alone. Kat sighed and slowly followed after them not feeling too confident.

* * *

The next day as the annual spelling bee and a stage was set up in town. Kat showed up with Wendy and Bebe and met the boys at the steps. "Hey, guys." She blinked when she noticed Cartman. "The fuck you doing here, Fatman?"

"I believe you mean 'fat' with a 'ph'?" He smiled smugly.

She stared. "... Right." She then turned back to Stan and Kyle. "So... you guys passed the test yesterday?" She awkwardly tried not to look at Kyle.

Kyle noticed her odd behavior and raised an eyebrow. "It was easy enough," Stan replied.

"Mmkay, kids," Mr. Mackey waved them up on the stage. "Take your seats now."

A crowd gathered in front of the stage and the children took their seats. The Mayor walked up to the microphone and addressed the crowd, "All right, everyone! Welcome to the 15th annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals!" She then took a seat next to Mr. Mackey at the table. "It will certainly be interesting. We have with us twelve of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary."

"Kyle, Kyle, he's our man!" Jimbo chanted in the crowd. "If he can't win it, I'm out fifty bucks!"

Gerald glared back at him. "You bet on my son to win!?"

"Sure! When it comes to spelling bees I always bet on the Jew!"

Back on stage Cartman pointed down at Kyle in front of him. "You're going down, bitch."

"Shut up, fatass," he said annoyed. "Everyone knows I'm a better speller than you."

"Well this year I have a secret weapon," he smiled evilly.

Kyle only rolled his eyes and then smiled at Kat. "You excited for your first spelling bee?"

"Yeah, sure." She focused on staring out at the crowd, only glancing at him when he looked away. How many kids could spell gravity correctly? Or use proper punctuation and capitalization? What if it _was _Kyle?

"And joining us this year," the Mayor continued, "are the two home-schooled children, Rebecca and Mark Cotswolds!"

Everyone was awkwardly quiet when the two brunette kids came on stage and took the two empty seats. "What!?" Jumbo shouted as everyone stared.

"Home-schooled kids?" Cartman questioned. "Who the hell are they?"

"Hey that's not fair!" Jimbo continued to shout. "You can't let home-schooled kids into a public school spelling bee!"

"What's a home-schooled kid?" Kyle asked and Kat furrowed her brows up.

"I don't know, dude," Stan whispered on the other side of her. "I've never seen them before."

"Our first contestant is Mark Cotswolds from home school," the Mayor read. The boy with the sweater and tie stepped up to the microphone. "All right, Mark, your word is: Conscientious."

"What?" Cartman nudged Kat and she glared back at him. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"Conscientious," Mark repeated. "May I have the definition please?"

"Closely attentive to details, careful," Mayor read.

"Conscientious- could you use it in a sentence, please."

"'Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was conscientious.'"

"Conscientious... C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-T-I-O-U-S."

The bell went off and everyone's jaws dropped. "Holy crap!" Cartman shouted. Mark's parents were the only ones cheering.

"Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman." Cartman got on stage and smiled. "Alright, Eric, here is your word: **Chair. **_Cha-ir._" Eric only stood there and Kat and Kyle rised an eyebrow. "Eric, your word is 'chair'!"

"Uh..." He folded his hands behind his back. "Definition?"

"Something you sit on."

"Country of Origin?"

"English!"

"Could you use it in a sentence?"

Mr. Mackey leaned back as Mayor waved her arms around. "Oh for Christ's sake, kid, the word is 'chair'!"

"Uh, chair... C-H-A-R-E. Chair." The buzz went off. "Aw, dammit! How come I get the hard ones!?" He then ran off stage screaming, "Get over here you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!"

Kat only shook her head and the spelling bee went on. It was down to four of them, Kat, Kyle, Rebecca and Mark. "All right, we're down to just four finalists. First up is Rebecca Cotswolds from home school." Kat watched the girl strangely as she went up to the microphone. She was always biting her lip and nervously patting her hands together. "All right, Rebecca, here is your word: Litoral."

"Litoral... Definition?"

"Having to do with a lake or ocean."

"Litoral... Will you please use it in a sentence?"

Even her voice was a little strange. "Gary was most interested in the litoral features of Michigan."

"Litoral... L-I-T-O-R-A-L."

The bell went off and Kat was again surprised. "Wow," Kyle whispered. Kat glanced at him worried. Was he impressed by her?

"And now we have Katherine Schumer." Kat sighed and hopped down from her chair. "Your word is: Onomatopoeia."

Kat went wide eyed and stared at the Mayor. Was she fucking serious. "... Can I have the definition?"

"The formation of a word from a sound associated with what is named."

"... Can... Can you use it in a sentence?"

"The author used a lot of onomatopoeia in his writing."

"Onomatopoeia... O-N-O-M-A-T-O-P-I-A." The buzz went off and she stared down at the ground in shock.

As she walked off the stage Kyle whispered, "You were close!"

"Yeah, thanks," she mumbled glumly.

She went off stage and joined Stan and Cartman below to watch Kyle. "And now we have Kyle Broflofski." Kyle got up on the podium. "Here we go: Kroxldyphivc."

He took a double take at the Mayor. "What!?"

"Kroxldyphivc."

"The fuck kids of word is that?" Cartman grumbled. "This stupid thing is rigged."

"Definition?" Kyle asked.

"Something which has a Kroxldyph-like quality."

"Uh... Could you use it in a sentence?"

"Certainly. Kroxldyphivc is a hard word to spell." Both Kat and Stan smacked their foreheads.

Kyle stared at her for a moment. "Kroxldyphivc..."

"You can do it, kid!" Jimbo cheered from behind the kids. "You can do it!"

"Kroxldyphivc... C-" The buzzer went off. "Dammit!"

"You little bastard!" Jimbo screamed and the kids looked up at him worried. "You cost me fifty bucks! Why don't you run away and join the circus!?" The adults quickly swarmed in to keep him from climbing on the stage. "You stupid little son-of-a-bitch!" He screamed as they carried him off.

"Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca," the Mayor gave the two kids trophies. "You are truly South Park's finest."

As the newspaper guy took a picture of the kids, Kat was frowning at the Rebecca girl. She didn't expect to win, but just the fact that Kyle was so impressed by her... She sighed and stared at the ground sadly. Who wouldn't be impressed by them? "Damn, dude," Stan said, "Those home school kids are smart!"

Kat glared at the stage. "Yeah, too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth."

Cartman looked at her surprised. "Damn, dude." He held his hand out and she smacked it.

As Kyle and the siblings got off the stage, Kat fumed as she watched him approach Rebecca. "What's your name?"

"What's in a name?" She replied and walked off.

Kyle smiled after her. "Wow..."

Kat glared back to the boy Mark as he approached them. "It was nice competing against you kids. We will have to do it a-gain sometime."

"Oh yes, we must do it a-gain," Cartman mocked.

"We've never seen you before," Stan said. "Do you live in the woods or something?"

"No, I live right over there," he pointed to a grey house with bars on the windows. "I've lived there all my life."

"Why don't you go to school?" Kat asked rudely and Stan glanced at her worried.

"Because I'm home schooled," Mark replied.

"What's that?" Cartman questioned.

"My parents teach me, so I stay at home instead of going to school."

"Y-You what?" Cartman stuttered out of sheer shock. "You stay at home- all day- no school!?"

"Right."

They all stared at him as he broke out in song, "~Who would have thought such a miracle could be~ Who could have know that this moment I would see~ A new way of living, a change to be free-~!"

"Shut up, Fatman," Kat snapped.

"You shut up, butthole," he snapped back.

"You shut up, gay-wad," Stan jumped in.

"You shut up, ass logger!"

"Oh, my goodness," Mark stared at them in shock. "Are you two enemies?"

The three of them glanced at each other. "No, we're friends," Stan replied.

"Strange, friends would call each other names and fight."

"What?" They stared at him strangely as their equally bland parents came up to them.

"Come, children, let's take our trophies home and place them high upon the mantle." They walked with their parents back to their grey house.

As Mark took a glanced back at them, Stan said, "Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerd-os." Kat glanced over at Kyle to see him smiling after Rebecca and she became angry.

* * *

The next day as the kids sat in their seats as Mr. Garrison addressed the class, "Okay, students, we have a new student joining us today from home school. Now his parents are very worried about his safety so please don't be too cruel to him. Mark?"

Mark rolled into the classroom in a giant hamster ball. He smacked into Craig's desk, making him angry, and he smiled. "Hey guys, what's up?"

"Dude, what's wrong with you?" Cartman asked. "Do you have some kind of John Travolta disease?"

"All right, children, let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here and go on with our studies. Now, who can tell me when Columbus sailed the seas and discovered America?" Both Cartman and Mark's hands went up and Mr. Garrison pointed at Mark. "Yes, Mark?"

"Ey! How come you never pick me!?" Cartman shouted.

"Because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains," Kat replied.

"Grade A retort, Katherine," Mr. Garrison said. "Yes, Mark?"

"The answer is 1492," he replied, "However the Americas has already been discovered by many before him, including the Vikings and the Native Americans, and therefore your question is a charade."

"Aw, see, that's what I was gonna say!" Cartman complained.

"Very impressive, Mark," Mr. Garrison praised. "You should be able to throw the grading curve and flunk all these little bastards."

Mark furrowed his brows up as everyone silently glared at him. Stan leaned over to Kyle and whispered, "Oh god, this kid's gonna last about five seconds out on the playground."

"Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from?" Cartman and Mark raised their hands. "Put your hand down, cream puff."

"That does it!" Cartman hopped down and shoved between the desks to get to the door. "I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed! I'm gonna be home-schooled from now on!"

"You don't wanna be home-schooled, fat ass," Kat said.

"I'm gonna be home-schooled and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me! Screw you guys... I'm going to be home-schooled." He slammed the door shut behind him.

Mr. Garrison looked up at the ceiling and prayed, "Oh, please, God, let it be forever."

* * *

The bell rang for recess and the kids burst out of the school doors to the snowy playground. Kat spotted Kyle and smiled as she walked up to him. "Hey, Kyle, you wanna go on the swing sets?"

"Huh?" He turned to her as if she pulled him out of deep thinking. "Oh, uh, sorry, I'm trying to write a song right now." She frowned and he hastily added, "I think Stan's playing Hit Me with Pip if you wanna join. I'll catch up."

Kat rolled her eyes and walked off. "Stupid boy," she murmured, but her slowed her angry pace as she tried to think it over. "Well... Maybe he's writing the song for me?" That made her smile.

She walked up to Stan and Pip starting the game as Bebe and Annie watched. "But if I say that, you'll hit me!" Pip protested.

"No, I'm going to hit you if you don't say it," Stan clarified. "If you don't say 'please hit me', I will hit you."

Pip sighed. "Please hit me."

"All right!" Stan smacked him in the face and he shouted in pain. Kat snickered. "All right, let's try this again, Pip-"

"I don't understand." The kids looked over to see Mark roll up in his hamster ball. "You seem to like that boy and yet hate him at the same time."

Kat and Stan only watched as Craig and Butters ganged up on him. "Hey, kid, get out of that hamster ball."

"Oh, I promised my father I wouldn't."

Kat smacked her forehead as Stan sighed, "Oh, boy."

"Sorry, dude, you're on your own," she said and they walked up as the rest of the kids came up to force him out of his ball. The two of them went back to Kyle as he sat down writing. "Yo, are you done yet? We wanna play."

"Do better and together sound good as a rhyme?" he asked them.

Stan and Kat glanced at each other. "Uh, sure," Stand shrugged. "What are you doing anyways?"

"I'm writing a song for the home school girl Rebecca," he replied as he focused on his paper again.

Kat glared at him. "What. Why? She's weird."

"Yeah, dude," Stan agreed, but for different reasons.

"She's odd, but I like that," Kyle said without looking up at them. He was spared from seeing Kat's furious face. "She's also incredibly smart. You don't see a lot of people like her."

"Oh, for fucks sake," Kat shouted and stormed off.

* * *

The next day Kat was angrily picking at her food at the lunch table. The one day she'd actually _like _Cartman to be there to rip on Kyle. "I can't even get her to understand," he was complaining, after his failed attempt last night to woo her with his stupid song. "It's like she's from another planet."

"Cause she is," Kat grumbled, resisting a name to call him.

"Can I sit here with you?" They all turned to see Mark back with a tray of food outside his hamster ball.

"Oh man, if you have to," Stan replied.

He hopped up and sat next to Kat on the bench. She eyed him, bout ready to take her frustration out on the new kid. The principals voice came on the speakers, "Attention students, don't forget that this Friday night is the South Park Elementary 'Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance'. We will have a very special band performing so please come early."

"Hey, that's it!" Kyle said excitedly and Kat's expression went flat. "The dance! I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!"

"Dude, what happened to you?" Stan questioned. "You're a total wuss now." Stan and Kenny laughed at him, but Kat only rolled her eyes. He's wuss enough to have written that damn love letter to her. What did Rebecca have that she didn't?

"Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him?" Mark asked. "Is he not your friend?"

"Yeah, dude," Kat replied, "but kids just do that. We rip on each other and stuff."

"I see- it's like you have to mark your territory as a boy," Mark realized and Kat started at him annoyed. She was a goddamn female. Was she not feminine enough!? "You have to socially find your place."

"What?" The boys blinked at him.

"Enjoying your lunch, nerd-o?" Craig came up to their table with his band of kids to pick on Mark once again.

"Ah, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me!"

"Ugh," Kat rolled her eyes. "Dude, you don't say that."

"Huh?" The confused boy was pulled from his chair and had his full body duct taped to the bench next to them.

"Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school," Kyle said.

"Yeah, I wonder how Cartman is doing his home-schooling," Stan wondered.

Kat rolled her eyes. "I'll tell you: he's sitting in bed all day while ordering his mother to bring him food like he'd goddamn Jabba the Hutt and his Polly Prissypants doll is his slutty Leia." The boys stared at her for a moment. She glared back, "What!?"

"You just seem more agitated than usual," Stan commented. Kat narrowed her eyes and he focused on his food. "Never mind."

* * *

After school, Stan, Kat and Kenny went to visit Cartman's house while Kyle went to the Cotswolds to try and ask stupid Rebecca to the dance. Ms. Cartman let them in and they went into his bedroom to see him in his pajamas in bed still. "Told you," Kat said.

"Hey, fat ass," Stan greeted. "How's home schooling going?"

"Oh, it's so sweet, you guys," he replied, seeming to have an orgasm in his sheets.

"Well get your ass out of bed," Kat snapped. "We have to go deal with that home school kid." Kenny wandered off towards the Fonics Monkey.

"I can't, I'm too tired." Cartman rolled over on his side. "Maybe tomorrow." Kenny was trying to take something from the monkey and it began getting agitated.

"But the big dance is tomorrow," Stan said, "And all the guys are going to duct tape him to a flagpole."

"That's sounds cool, maybe I'll go to that," Cartman said. Suddenly the monkey squealed and Kenny was chucked across the room, slamming into the wall. Stan and Kat's jaws dropped in horror as the monkey grabbed his ankle and swung him around with incredible strength. "No, Fonics Monkey!" Cartman shouted. The monkey tossed Kenny up and slammed him into the ceiling, then caught him and slammed him into the end of the bed. "No, Fonics Monkey, that's a bad Fonics Monkey!"

Fonics Monkey threw him to the floor and stomped on his head enough to where blood was pouring out of his orange jacket. "Oh my god, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed.

"You're damn straight he did," Cartman said impressed.

"NOT AGAIN!" Kat screamed and ran out of the room.

* * *

Later that night Kat and Stan joined the rest of the boys at the school grounds. They gathered around the flagpole as Craig set the game plan. "Tomorrow night at the dance, when none of the chaperons are looking, you guys go grab Mark and bring him out here, and then we'll duct tape him to this flagpole."

"Are you sure?" Stan questioned. "He could be out here all night on the flagpole."

"That's the point, buttpipe!"

"Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!"

"Well, come on," Butters said, "We gotta go buy us some more duct tape."

"Hooray!" They all cheered and went to the store.

* * *

The night of the dance, Kat showed up in her normal clothes, as did everyone else. Wendy and Bebe walked up to her and smiled. "Hey, Kat, where's your boy toy?" Bebe asked.

Kat sighed, "What boy toy?"

"Well, Kyle of course," Wendy replied. "It's been a few days already. Aren't you two together yet?"

"Look," Bebe pointed across the gymnasium to see Kyle standing by the double doors holding a bouquet of flowers. "There he is! I think he's waiting for you."

"No, he's not," she replied bitterly. "He's waiting for that weird home school girl Rebecca."

"What!?" The girls replied together. "Ew," Bebe commented.

"Well, what's that stopping you?" Wendy questioned and Kat furrowed her brows up. "Are you just going to roll over and let her take what you want? Or are you going to put some effort in?"

Kat stared at the ground unsure. "I..."

"Kat," she looked up to see Stan, Cartman and Craig come up to her. "Come on, dude, we got a kid to duct tape."

"Right..." She followed after them, but stopped to look back at her female friends. They smiled and gave her thumbs up. She smiled back and followed the boys over to Kyle.

"Dude, we're gonna go duct tape that Mark kid to the flagpole," Stan said to him. "You wanna help?"

"I can't," he replied as he looked around the party. "I have to wait for Rebecca to show up."

"Oh, brother," Kat couldn't keep herself from rolling her eyes.

"Don't you 'oh brother' me," Kyle snapped back angrily. "She's the woman of my dreams!"

Kat glared back at him as the boys backed off. "You suck now, Kyle!"

"You suck!" Kyle retorted as the group of them walked off on him.

The principal then came on stage. "Boys and girls, can I have your attention please? This year we have a very special guest performing at the South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a musical force in the 70's and 80's. Please welcome, Ronni James Dio!"

She moved away and the curtains opened up to show a group of old guys on stage. "Are you ready to rock boys and girls!?" He was met with silence. "I said, are you ready to rock!?"

Butters was the only one to reply, "Uh, sure, I guess..."

Ronni proceeded to sing Holy Diver while Craig spotted Mark. "Hey, there he is, there's the home schooled kid! Come on, let's duct tape him to the flagpole!"

"Hey, isn't that the home schooled kids sister?" Butters questioned.

They all looked over and Kat's jaw dropped at the hideous and slutty mess she was. "Hi, guys!" She then walked up and, to everyone's horror, kissed Butters on the mouth. Kyle and Mark were especially horrified and Kat couldn't keep herself from busting out laughing. She then interrupted Token and Red's dance to slap him on the butt. "Hey, see me later, okay?" She then walked up to Kyle, "Hey, Kyle, wanna go make out?" Kat stopped laughing and became furious.

"Rebecca... You..." Kyle was at a loss for words.

"Rebecca, what the devil are you doing!?" Mark questioned.

"I'm having fun, Mark!" She replied, and then snagged Pip from the side to kiss him as well.

"You're out of control!" He then glared at Kyle. "You did this to my sister!"

"uh... All I did was show her how to-"

"You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you!" Everyone watched in shock as Mark tackled Kyle to the ground and started beating him up. "You bitch! I'm gonna whop your bitch ass!" Mark shouted and a crowd began to gather.

"Oh my god!" Craig shouted.

"Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle," Stan said in shock.

"Yeah, he's a badass!" Butters said.

Kat felt a guilty pleasure as someone beat Kyle for the jerk he's been. Randy eventually came in to break it up and Mark shouted after him, "I'm not through with you, bitch!"

After the fight they all approached him and Stan said, "Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark."

"Yeah, that was real badass how you stood up for your sister," Butters agreed. "I'd a kicked Kyle's bitch-ass, too."

"You wanna have some cake with me, Mark?"

"No, he's my friend!"

Kat rolled her eyes as the boys suddenly began fighting over the home schooled kid. She then looked over at the disheartened Kyle and sighed. "Hey," she walked up to him and he looked up gloomily. "I'm sorry it didn't work out with Rebecca."

Kyle shook his head. "Don't be. The truth is, Kat, I..." He stared up at her and she furrowed her brows up, hopeful he'd confess to her. "I... I actually-"

The music abruptly stopped and a nerd-o voice shouted, "Where are my children!? I'm taking them out of this godforsaken place!"

"Calm down, Papa," Mark said into a microphone and everyone saw him up on stage with Ronni. "Everything is all right. You see, I've learned something today. Public schools may be a bit lacking in education, but it's the main place where children learn all of their social skills. You can't teach a child social skills, they have to learn them themselves, and the only place to do that in on the playground, in the cafeteria and so on. Don't you see, papa? That's what happened to your daughter. You tried so hard to keep her from anything sexual, and now look at her, she's a goddamn whore, papa!"

"Wow, she sure is," Butters agreed as they all stared at her.

"I know letting your kids out into the world is scary, I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen to us, but bad things will happen, and we have to start learning now how to deal with those things."

The home schooling parents were silent for a moment until Mark's father said, "Mark... You're absolutely right... Okay, children, if its what you want, you can start going to public school!"

"All right!" Most of the children cheered.

Then Rebecca came up and kissed Kyle on the mouth. "All right, THAT'S IT YOU DIRTY SLUT!" Kat screamed and tackled Rebecca to the ground. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING RIP YOU APART!"

"Yeah!" All the girls crowded around at the vicious one-sided cat fight as Kat taught Rebecca a very important lesson in pissing her off.

Stan and Cartman joined Mark on stage. "Nice speech, nerd-o," Stan said.

"Thanks, gay wad."

Cartman nudged Mark affectionately. "Now you're getting it!"

"H-Hey, Mark," Butters ran up to the stage. "Aren't you going to save your sister from Kat?"

"What? No. My sister needs to learn to defend herself and not be a damned whore." While Mark replied, the fathers that chaperoned the dance ganged up on Mr. Cotswolds and carried him outside to duct tape him to the flagpole.

* * *

A/N: Did I mention I have a channel on youtube? Silly me- you should be good friends and check it out!


	10. Holistic Bullshit

Alek was the first to start. [And where the fuck have YOU been!?]

[I thought you died.] Blake replied.

[I did, too. I didn't care.] Jordan said.

And loving Blake added, [Neither of us did, really.]

Kat stared at her computer screen with a flat expression, just waiting for the responses to stop. Dustin commented, [You think you can just waltz back in here like you own the place?]

Aaron backed him up, [Bitch, please.]

Kat sighed and rolled her eyes. She then copied a link to YouTube and posted it. She waited and soon they exploded again. [Holy shit!]

[Is she dead!?] The twins Jordan and Blake were first.

Alek commented, [Oh my god, who is that girl you're beating up? What the hell happened!?]

[This is awesome.] Dustin commented.

Aaron commented, [I can see an adult in the background drinking punch as he watches.]

Once they were quiet Kat explained, [Some homeschooled slut named Rebecca. She pissed me off so I kicked her ass. My friends recorded it and posted it on YouTube.]

[Well, we forgive you, Kat.] Dustin said.

[Wait, friends?] Alek questioned.

She quickly typed back, [Fuck off.]

[Meow. Now, mind explaining WHY you disappeared forever ago?] He asked.

She rolled her eyes. [I'm getting FRIENDS now, ass, like I said. I'm busy!]

[Too busy for us?:(] Blake questioned pitifully.

[Yes. Now I gotta go.] She signed off her computer and hopped out of her chair.

Leonidas looked at her from her bed, watching her frantically struggle out of her pink pajamas. "Meow."

"I'm super excited!" She replied, hurriedly getting ready. "We have a substitute teacher today! I'm stoked to play pranks on him." And she hoped that the substitute would encourage Kyle to come back to school. After properly dressed she ran down the stairs for the kitchen to get her cereal. Since the home-school-kids incident (Kat beating the shit out of Rebecca at the dance) they moved out of town to a more upper-crust neighborhood. The next day Kyle was suddenly "sick" and has been "sick" for the past few days. After she finished her cereal in a messy hurry she pushed the empty bowl away and jumped out of her chair. "Bye, mom!"

Ellen blinked after her, confused at her enthusiasm. "Um, bye." The door slammed shut and she was gone.

* * *

Since there was a substitute, kids sat wherever they wanted to. Kat took the opportunity to sit next to Stan since Kyle was still gone and sat next to Cartman and Kenny as well. "Good morning, children." The substitute teacher was a young man who seemed very polite. His short brown hair was nicely combed down and he wore a bowtie with his suit. Kat and Stan smirked at each other. He was totally going to be their prey. "Mr. Garrison is away today. I am your substitute teacher, Mr. Wyland."

As he wrote his name on the board Cartman leaned over to whisper, "Oh, this is so sweet, dude."

Mr. Wyland turned back and continued, "Now, I understand that some students in this class like to "mess" with substitute teachers, but if we all behave and respect each other, I'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day. Let's start with roll call!" He lifted up a paper in his hand and scanned down the list. "Let's see, mm, Eric Cartman?"

Stan raised his hand. "Here!" Kat and the three boys snickered.

"All right, and how about Stan Marsh?"

Kenny raised his hand. "[Here.]"

Cartman pounded his desk as they cracked up as quietly as they could. Everyone else glanced at them sideways. "It's not that funny, you guys," Wendy said exasperated. "Jesus."

"Okay," Mr. Wyland continued, ignoring their laughter. "And where is Kenny McCormick?"

Cartman raised his hand. "Here!" The four of them broke out into hysterical laughter. Suddenly there was a sick squirting sound and Kat stopped laughing when she saw the milk shoot out of Cartman's nose. He only continued chuckling unfazed, "Ow, that hurt," he rubbed his nose and sobered up.

"Dude, what the hell was that?" Kat questioned in complete bafflement.

"Oh, oh, dude," he continued his chuckles as he held his nose. "You know when you're laughing so hard that the milk comes out your nose? Oh man."

The three of them stared at him as he smiled. "Dude, you weren't drinking any milk," Stan said.

"Huh?"

Kat glared at him annoyed and explained, "You have to be drinking milk for that to happen."

"Not with me, man," Cartman replied. Stan and Kat gave each other a concerned and bizarre look.

"All right, look," Mr. Wyland set the paper away. "Why don't we skip roll call? Here's what we're going to do today." He took a paper bag off the counter and took out the contents. "I've been told that one of your classmates has been ill for several days- Kyle Broflovski?" He set glitter and glue on the table.

Kat rolled her eyes. "He's faking."

"Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's absence our activity for the day is to make a get-well card for Kyle. So I've got this large piece of poster board, and we're all going to come up and use glitter and glue to decorate it."

Mr. Wyland took out the poster board and the whole class disappointingly went, "Aw."

"He's _faking_," Cartman insisted as he sat back in his desk.

The rest of the class went to the front of the class and gathered around the poster board. Mr. Wyland pointed at him and said, "Kenny, you come and decorate the get-well card too."

"But I don't want Kyle to get well, I hate Kyle," he replied.

"I don't care. Get down here and do it."

While the teacher was distracted, they grabbed Butters and forced him down. "Hey! W-Whaddya doin'!?" The kids backed away pleased with themselves. Butters stood covered in glue and glitter and streamers with the sign 'Get Well Kyle' stuck to his shirt.

"Now that's a get-well card!" Stan said and they all laughed.

Cartman laughed so hard that milk shot out his nose again. Kat frowned at him in disgust, "Dude!"

"Come on, Butters, let's teach you a song and dance," Stan insisted.

Butters frowned at him. "But I don't wanna!"

Stan glared back and snapped at him, "Butters, do you want Kyle to get well or not? Now let's teach you a song and dance!"

"Oh..." Butters sighed in defeat and the children had their way with him.

* * *

After school Kat and Butters got off at the same stop. She pointed at him threateningly and said, "Now you better not wash any of that off until Kyle sees you!"

He sighed in defeat. "Yes, ma'am..."

Kat ran into her house, greeted by Leonidas. "Welcome home, honey." Ellen smiled at her from the couch reading a magazine. "Did your friend come to school today?"

"No, he's at home faking being sick still," she replied and pet her kitten.

Ellen frowned in concern. "He's been sick for a few days now... How about we go check on your friend, hm?"

"Yeah, that's cool," she shrugged. "The class made a get-well card for him."

"That's wonderful!" Ellen set her magazine away and stood. "Come on, I'm sure your other friend Stan would like to see him as well."

"Sweet!" They left the house and Ellen witnessed the card they made.

She stared down at him. "Oh, hello, Ms. Schumer," Butter waved politely.

She mustered a smile back. "Hi there, Butters... Let's go get Stan."

They walked over to the Marsh's house and Sharon decided to join as well. The two moms walked together behind the children as they made their way to Kyle's house. His mother answered the door and was pleasantly surprised. "Oh hello Ellen, Sharon! What brings you over?"

"We thought we'd come see Kyle," Ellen replied. "The kids made a get-well card for him."

"Oh, really?" Whatever expectations she had were dashed away when she saw Butters. "... Well come inside. Oh I'm sure Kyle would love to see his friends." They followed her into the house and upstairs. "Kyle?" She opened the door to his bedroom. "Your friends came over to visit you."

"Hello there, sweetie," Sharon greeted as the mothers entered the room.

Kat and Stan ran up to his bed, "Dude, you can stop faking now," Kat whispered. "We got a substitute teacher."

Kyle only stared miserably at the ceiling. He made babbling noises and they glanced at each other. "Kyle?" Stan questioned.

"They say it's his kidneys," Sheila said to Sharon and Ellen. "Kyle always has been a diabetic, and lately, his kidneys have just been shutting down."

"Well, the kids at school made you a card, Kyle," Ellen said. "Look!" She smiled and stepped aside so the pouty Butters would walk in.

"Go on, Butters," Stan said.

"I don't want to," he replied stubbornly.

Kat glared at him. "Butters, go on!"

"Oh, all right then." He fiddled with the poster and began to sing, "We're so sorry you're not feeling well-we hope you're better soon! So we're bringing you some sunshine-by singing you this tune." He tossed away the board and pulled out a cane. "Everybody misses you-and though we hate to cause a fuss! We'd like to say 'Get well soon'-and please don't die on us." He pulled a string and balloons inflated from his shirt and pants.

Kyle only made more babbling noises as he stared at the ceiling. Kat furrowed her brows up. "Dude, you really are sick, huh?"

"I don't know," he replied weakly. "I..."

"I don't know what to do," Sheila confessed to Sharon and Ellen. "The doctors want to have him go into surgery, but that's so _dangerous_."

Ellen frowned. "Well, it might be dangerous, but if you don't then, well, Kyle's only going to get worse."

"But what if he doesn't have to have surgery?" Sheila and Ellen glanced at Sharon confused. "Sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines? They word wonders. I read all about it in People."

Ellen didn't seem sold on the idea. "Really?" Sheila questioned in interest. "In People?"

"People is only a magazine, though," Ellen argued lightly. "If Kyle's kidney is failing then he needs a transplant."

"People is a well respected magazine, Ellen," Sharon replied. "With holistic natural medicine then Kyle won't need a transplant. There's a brand-new shop in town that sells holistic medicines and all-natural foods." Ellen looked only more skeptical. "It's run by this fascinating woman named 'Miss Information'."

"_Miss Information_?" Ellen questioned. What kind of stage name was that?

"Oh, well, with a name like Miss Information, she must know something," Sheila reasoned.

Ellen was suspicious. "That seems like a very obvious name."

"Why don't we at least take Kyle down there and see what she has to say," Sharon suggested.

Ellen resisted a grimace. "I suppose..."

"Okay, I'll get our coats," Sheila left the room and Kat and Stan watched as Kyle babbled.

Butters glanced around at everyone as they forgot of his existence. "Can I go now?"

* * *

Walking up to the store, the place looked like it was a five-year-olds bad trip-high. Sheila dragged Kyle along into the store and the rest of them followed. Kat and Stan watched Kyle as he swayed in spot looking miserable. Miss Information was an old woman wearing obnoxious tie-dye robes with plenty of beads around her head and neck. Her presence annoyed Kat. Miss Information explained to the parents, "You see, the reason our bodies fail is because of toxins."

"Toxins?" Sheila questioned.

"All the horrible food we eat, the sodas and meats are filled with toxins, and the only way for us to get better is to flush those toxins out of our system. Western medicine is so quick to cut and carve up, but all your son needs is a toxin-flushing diet of lemon juice and cayenne pepper."

Ellen did a quick double take on that. "Wait- lemon juice and cayenne pepper?" She questioned. Stan and Kat glanced at each other in worry at her doubtfulness.

Others seemed to ignore Ellen. "Wow, that's amazing, Miss Information," Sharon praised.

Ellen raised her hand. "Um, Sheila?"

"Do you hear that, Kyle?" Sheila said to her son happily. "You don't need surgery after all!"

Kyle coughed pitifully. He didn't even seem to register his mother spoke. Kat have her mom a worried look and she only shrugged at her, helpless to do anything. "Excuse me," Stan spoke up, "But what do these toxins look like?"

"What?" Miss Information asked.

"Have you ever actually _seen_ a toxin?" He asked.

"Don't be a smart-ass, Stanley," his mother cut in and Ellen grimaced.

"Mrs. Broflovski," Miss Information continued, "We'd like to give your son herbs that focus on the kidney. I have these excellent herbs from local Native Americans."

"Oo, Native Americans," Sharon was impressed. "Now they know how to heal the body spiritually."

Kyle babbled some more and coughed. Ellen rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. "Um, are we sure that 'spiritual' healing is what little Kyle needs most?" The other woman glanced at her. "I mean, if the doctors insist that he needs a transplant..."

"Doctors only want more money," Miss Information waved her off. "Whatever ailments Kyle had in his kidney will be purified by the herbs grown by the Native Americans."

"Oh this is just wonderful!" Sheila said excitedly. Stan and Kat exchanged an annoyed glance.

* * *

After Sheila took Kyle back home, Stan decided to hang out with Kat at her house while his mother returned home. The two of them did homework together in the living room while Leonidas watched television from the couch. "I'm really worried about Kyle," Stan spoke up.

"Me too," Kat agreed. She sighed as she wrote in her notebook. "I'm not even sure what 'toxins in the body' are. I drink soda and eat meat all the time and **my** kidney isn't failing."

"Yeah, look at Cartman," Stan added. "He'd have lost both his kidney's by, like, five years ago."

"He's always been that fat?" She questioned.

"Always."

Ellen entered the room from the kitchen and Kat asked, "Mom? How do you feel about the natural herbs that are gonna flush the toxins out of Kyle's system?"

Ellen leaned forward on the couch and sighed. "Don't tell your parents I said this, Stan, but I believe it's full of crap. White people feel so much guilt for killing the Native Americans and taking their land that their way to compensate is to buy their crap to purify their body. The fact is that Kyle needs a kidney transplant. Even if the herbs his mother buys are meant to heal the body; it's too late for that to work. You use that kind of medicinal teas while you're still mostly healthy to help **maintain** your body, not bring you back from the brink." With that she continued upstairs.

Stan stared after her in genuine shock. "Wow, your mom is still sane," he said sounding surprised.

Kat only continued her work. "Yep."

* * *

The next day Stan and Kat went back over to Kyle's house to check on him. Ellen joined them and majority of the mothers were there, including Sharon, Liane and Mrs. Tweak. "Oh, my. He looks terrible," Mrs. Tweak said as Sheila checked on her boy.

"Yes, poor little dear," Mrs. Valmer, another mother said.

"Good morning, everyone." Stan and Kat looked over from the side of Kyle's bed to see Miss Information make her way in.

"Oh, thanks for coming, Miss Information," Sheila said and escorted her to the bed. "Kyle seems to be getting worse!"

Stan and Kat stared at her as she waved her arms over Kyle, vocalizing noises for effect. After she finished doing whatever she was doing she said, "Oh, I don't agree. He seems much better."

"Really?" Sheila questioned.

Both Stan and Kat were very confused. "What?" Stan questioned while Kat only did a double take.

"Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer than yesterday," she replied. "And his aura is lighter."

"Oh that's great news," Sharon said happily.

Kyle then violently vomited on the floor, causing Stan and Kat to jump back to dodge. "Dude!" Kat shouted.

"Oh no!" Ellen exclaimed in worry.

"No, no, that's good!" Miss Information quickly assured. "Those are the toxins flushing out of his system."

The mothers were impressed, except for Ellen. Kat then spoke up, "Those aren't toxins, that's the bean with bacon soup he ate half an hour ago."

"Now don't be fooled as Kyle's body sheds itself more and more of all the toxins," Miss Information continued, ignoring Kat and making her glare at her. "He will appear to get worse, but he is actually getting better!"

"And when exactly is that going to be?" Stan asked.

"Stan, what did I say about being a smart-ass?" Sharon scolded.

He furrowed his brows up. "Don't be a smart-ass?"

"Wow, well, I am **sold** on natural medicines," Sheila said. "If only I had known sooner!"

"I agree!"

"Oh, yes, that's right."

Stan and Kat stared at them unbelievingly as the mothers were quick to agree. Ellen only frowned and shrugged at them. They glanced back at Kyle worried, seeing him miserable, and then quickly left the house with her. "Mom, can you take us to Hells Pass Hospital?" Kat asked.

"Sure, but what for?" Ellen asked as they walked back to their house.

"We just wanna consult with a doctor," Stan replied. "It'll be quick."

"All right, just don't get into trouble," she replied as they gathered into her minivan.

"We're not going to get into trouble," Kat assured.

"I hope so," Ellen murmured as she began driving. "This town is a little eccentric for kids..." Kat and Stan glanced at each other.

* * *

Stan and Kat entered the hospital by themselves and approached the front desk. They then waited to be called in to his office, fiddling on their iPhones. "Mr. Marsh party?" The receptionist called. "Dr. Doctor is ready to see you now."

The two of them put their phones away. "Thank God," Kat muttered as they hopped off their seats.

They entered in his office and the doctor looked up from his desk. "Ah, Katherine, Stanley."

"Hey, Doctor," they greeted, climbing into chairs across from him.

"What can I do for you?" He asked.

"Well, it's our friend, Kyle," Kat began. "We think he's really, really sick."

"He is really, really sick, Katherine." The kids glanced at each other in worry. "I was seeing him last week when he first got ill, but unfortunately his mother has decided to put all her trust into holistic medicine."

"But we don't think it's working," Stan explained.

The doctor sighed. "All right, kids, I'm going to be very honest with you. Your little friend Kyle needs a kidney transplant, or it is very possible that he will die."

Kat was horrified. "_Die_?"

"But..." Stan shook his head. "Kyle's my best friend in the whole world!"

"I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age," Doctor continued, "But the rest of the town is so gung ho on new age medicine that I have nowhere else to turn."

"I'll give Kyle my kidney," Stan offered. "Even if it hurts a whole lot, I don't care!"

"That's very brave, Stan, but I've already checked my records, and you and Kyle aren't a match for kidneys. In fact, there's only one person in South Park with the same blood type as Kyle." Saying that he took out a file from his desk drawer.

"Seriously?" Kat questioned. "Well, who?" The doctor turned the file around. Printed on it was 'Type AB Negative: Cartman' and Cartman's smiling fat face was pictured above it. Kat's expression went flat. "Motherfucker."

Stan sighed. "This is going to suck."

Kat took out her iPhone and dialed for her mom. "I'll get my mom to take us to his house."

"We can't just show up and explain," he said. "We gotta show him how miserable Kyle is. Otherwise there's no chance of him listening to us."

Kat scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I guess." Though she really doubted he would care.

* * *

After her mom drove them back to town, Stan and Kat helped Kyle out of bed and got over to Cartman's house. It was easy to persuade Kyle's mother since he was already 'flushing' a lot of toxins out of his system. Mrs. Cartman let them inside and they saw Cartman and Kenny playing with toys in the living room.

"What's goin' on, guys?" Cartman asked.

Stan left Kat to help hold Kyle up as he approached them. "Cartman, we have to ask you a question- a very serious question."

Cartman got up off the ground to face him. "Okay?"

"Kyle's in trouble, Cartman. I can see him getting worse right before my eyes. There might be a way that _you_ can save his life."

"uh-huh," Cartman nodded for him to continue.

"What Kyle really needs is a new kidney."

"Oh, I think I see where this is going."

Kat frowned at Kyle worriedly as he groaned. Stan continued and explained, "His mom is trying all this eastern medicine new age bullcrap on him, but it's obviously not working."

Cartman cut in and said, "Stan, why don't you just ask the question?"

"All right." He sighed and gathered his confidence. "Will you donate one of your kidneys to Kyle?"

Suddenly Cartman broke out into song and dance singing, "No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!"

They both glared at him and Kat snapped, "You only need one, fat boy!" He only continued his song until he was finished.

Stan added, "Dude, one of your friends is going to **die**. Don't you see how serious this is?"

Kenny frowned at them angrily. "[It's not that fucking serious.]"

Kyle coughed pitifully again and Kat sighed in aggravation. "Kenny, not now."

"[But-!]"

"Well, perhaps I can see a way in giving up my kidney... " Cartman mused. "For a price."

Stan was utterly appalled. "Oh my god!"

"How much?" Kyle asked weakly.

"I don't know, how much if your life worth to you, Kyle?" He asked.

Kat glared at him. "Cartman, you are **so** going to Hell when you die!"

Cartman only shrugged it off. "Yes, well, until then, I need about $10 million."

Kenny furrowed his brows up. "[$10 million?]"

"What the **hell **would you do with $10 million, fatass!?" Kat shouted.

"What I intend to do with the money is not an issue, is it?" He questioned back. "I suggest you start looking for that money quickly, Kyle doesn't seem to have that much time. Ticktock ticktock."

"Dammit," Stan marched off and said, "Come on, let's get out of here."

Kat kicked the front door shut behind them and she huffed in aggravation. "That Cartman is such an asshole!"

Kyle groaned again and Stan helped him stay on his feet. "Kyle's too sick to be wandering around like this. Let's take him home."

"And then what?" She questioned. "Kyle is going to die if Cartman doesn't stop being a fat fuck and if his mom is going to continue being retarded."

"We have a better chance at convincing her than Cartman," he replied. "They're all probably at that stupid holistic medicine shop. Can your mom take us there?"

"I don't think she wants to get near that place," she replied. "We're gonna have to hoof it."

He sighed. "All right, fine, let's get Kyle back to bed."

After the two of them got Kyle back home they walked all the way to the stupid shop on the outskirts of town. After spotting two Mexican men leave the shop they entered it to see everyone and their mother there. "Oh, hi, Stanley," Sharon said. "Look, I'm buying you some more all-natural toothpaste."

"You mean the stuff that tastes like ass and doesn't fight cavities?" He questioned.

She replied happily, "That's right!"

Kat decided to step forward to face the crowd. "Look, um, I know that you all think the Earth and all its natural healing powers can cure Kyle, but the doctor at the hospital told us it can't."

"Well, of course the doctor told you _that,_" Miss Information replied. "Because he wants to make money."

"And maybe save an eight year old boys life?" Kat added.

"Holistic medicine is about nature!" She countered. She then turned to her next customer and said, "$233"

The kids only stared as Miss Information rung up the cash on her register. "Everything's going to be fine, kids," Sheila said to them. "We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow to see the Native Americans personally."

"Isn't it _possible_ that these Indians don't know what they're talking about?" Stan asked.

His mother frowned at him angrily and scolded, "You watch your mouth, Stanley. The Native Americans were raped of their land and resources by white people like us."

"And that has something to do with their medicine because...?" Stan left the question in the air to prove a point.

"Enough, Stanley," Sharon said, losing her patience. Apparently they didn't care for points.

Kat rolled her eyes and the two of them left the holistic store, seeing the massive line growing outside the doors. "This is unbelievable," she said in exasperation.

Kenny was outside waiting for them and Stan sat down on the curb with him. Kat sat next to Stan as he held his head in his hands and sighed. "Nobody wants to listen, Kenny."

"[Yeah, I know,]" he replied, but he wasn't too sympathetic about it.

"I don't know what else to do. I mean... He could _die, _Kenny. And that means we'd never see him again."

Kat furrowed her brows up as Kenny replied, "[Mm-hmm.]" This was getting awkward.

Stan was of course oblivious as he stared across the street into the distance. "I guess maybe I've always taken friends for granted- like they'd always be there. If a friend died, I don't know what I'd do." Kat glanced between the two boys worried. Kenny only glared at the ground annoyed. This was _very_ awkward. "Well, I'm not just gonna stand here and watch my friend die," Stan continued in confidence. "Kenny, go round up all the kids in town who want to help Kyle! Round them up and meet me at the bus stop at 7:30! Kyle's gonna live!"

Kat merely watched as Stan marched away. She then glanced at Kenny worried as he grunted in annoyance. "Um..." She glanced away for a moment. "I'll just... Follow him..." She awkwardly hurried after Stan.

* * *

Kat went back to her house to wait until 7:30. She sat in her room on her office chair as she faced Leonidas who laid on her bed. "I just don't know what's going on," she confessed. "I've seen Kenny basically die every day- and I mean like get set on fire, shot, decapitated, electrocuted- brutal deaths, and yet... He's alive and well the next day." Leonidas blinked and stared at her. "I-I mean... I _might _be insane, but I swear he dies all the time! And yet no one else seems to remember."

Leonidas blinked. "Meow."

"No, I don't want to ask," she replied. "If Stan and Kyle aren't asking questions then either I'm insane or this is just another South Park thing that I need to get used to."

"Meow."

"Well of course I'm gonna be worried!" She defended. "I keep watching my friend die! And I'm pretty sure he's going to die tomorrow since I didn't see him die today."

"Meow."

She sighed and shook her head. "Hopefully it just won't be too bloody..." She then got an idea and spun around on her chair to her computer. She logged on and made a post, [How do I handle watching my friend die every day and none of my other friends noticing?]

Aaron was the first to reply, [Are we talking drugs or daddy issues.]

[I mean literally. Dying every day. He dies. Every day. And is alive the next only to die again.]

Alek then replied, [We're going to start an intervention, Kat. Seriously. Off the drugs.]

Dustin suggested, [Pics or it didn't happen.]

Kat stared at his post. "Oh my god."

Leonidas perked up. "Meow."

"No, one of my friends isn't a total idiot." She then posted, [Dustin, you are the least stupid of my friends.]

Alek posted, [Hey! Ass!]

[I'm like a grade smarter than him!] Aaron argued.

[Doesn't mean much when you're two grades below the rest of us,] Jordan commented.

Blake backed him up, [Oooo, buuurn.] And they liked each other's comments.

Kat ignored the rest of their bickering and logged off. She put her sweatshirt on and hurried out to the bus stop for the meeting. She made it out and stood with Stan in the dark until Kenny arrived with the rest: Timmy and Butters. The two of them hesitated. "Is this it?" Kat asked.

Kenny nodded and Timmy replied, "TIMMAY!"

"This is everyone that wanted to help Kyle?" Stan questioned offended.

Butters replied, "Well, Clyde was gonna come too, but h-he said his mom was making tacos for dinner, a-and Clyde likes tacos a whole lot."

Stan rolled his eyes and sighed in aggravation. "Jesus Christ. All right, Butters. You take this medical book and everyone follow me." Stan dropped the book in his arms and hurried on.

"Well, where we goin'?" Butters asked.

Stan paused and glanced back at them. "We're gonna go take Cartman's kidney." He took out a hand saw and continued on.

The rest of the boys glanced at each other, unsure how to take that. Kat only smiled and called, "I call cutting Fatman open!" And ran after him.

* * *

Kat picked the lock on the Cartman's front door and opened it wide. She peered inside the house first and it was empty. She whispered back, "Clear," and all five of them entered the house.

Kenny and Buttered helped Timmy up the stairs and they gathered at the top of the stairs. "Okay, here's the plan," Stan whispered. "Kat, Butters, you two are coming with me to steal Cartman's kidney. Kenny, Timmy, you two stay out here by his mom's door and keep a look out."

"TIMMAY!" Stan shushed him and Timmy whispered, "Timmay..."

Stan continued, "If she hears him screaming or comes out or anything, just stall her, all right?"

Kenny nodded. "[Okay.]"

"All right, let's go." Butters and Kat followed him down the hall, but he then stopped short. "Uh-oh, Cartman's pig."

Kat peered around him at the sleeping pot belly pig in a dog bed. "Since when did he have a pig?" She whispered.

"It was a while ago," Stan replied. "We tried cross breeding it with an elephant."

Kat gave him an odd look. Butters added, "It gave birth to a litter of piglets with Mr. Garrison's face!"

Kat stared at him bizarrely. "Dude, the fuck?"

"Come on, we gotta sneak by." They pressed against the wall and shuffled along. "Good pig, shhh, it's okay," he whispered. The pig opened its eyes and stared at them as they shuffled along, Stan whispering sweet nothings to him.

Kat glanced down and watched in horror as Butters stepped on his curly tail. The pig began to squeal to their horror, but Kat quickly grabbed the pig and pinned him up to the wall, pressing his arm to his neck. "Shut the fuck up," she hissed. The pig stop squealing very quickly and stared at her with wide eyes filled with fear. "If you squeal again then I'll force you to eat bacon, got it?" It nodded frantically. She dropped him and it crawled back into its bed, pretending to go back to sleep as they continued on.

"... Cool." Unimpressed by her display of power, they continued into Cartman's room.

Cartman was asleep in his bed, but he seemed to be having a nightmare. He tossed and turned, muttering under his breath, "Hippies... Hippies everywhere... They want to save the Earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad... Help..."

"Not surprised," Kat whispered as they gathered around his sleeping form.

"Okay, here we go," Stan took the book from Butters and flipped through the diagrams of the human anatomy. There was a brief pause on the testicles page and they chuckled. They then found the kidney. "Okay, it looks like if we cut here and here..."

"I hope it's not too bloody," Butters whispered behind them. "I'm wearing my favorite pants!"

"I hope it's very bloody," Kat whispered back. "knowing our luck he'll be too fat and have too much blood to bleed out and die."

"The vein... Right- well, help me pull his pajamas up," Stan said, nudging her. She raised her saw, ready to cut as they pulled down the blanket. They then lifted his shirt only to see a massive metal band wrapped around his body and locked. "No way!" He exclaimed. "Kidney Blocker 2000?"

"What-what-what, what?" Cartman was startled awake and turned over to see the three of them standing there. He sat up and glared at them, "Oh, Kat and Stan- and Butters, trying to take my kidney are you?"

"You suck, Cartman," Kat retorted, glaring back.

"Maybe so, but at least I was smart enough to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000!"

"Goddammit- Don't you care that Kyle is gonna die!?" Stan questioned.

"I do! I do care. Look how much." He just stared at them with an expressionless face. Kat's expression went flat. She could swear she felt a vein about to burst in her head. "Look. Look how much I care."

"Okay, fuck this." Kat tossed the saw back to Butters carelessly. He yelped as he stumbled to catch it. "You win this time, Cartman, but we'll be damned if we let Kyle die. You just keep that in mind." Stan slammed his medical book shut and the three of them headed out of his room.

"Oh, however will I sleep soundly tonight?" Cartman questioned before Kat slammed the door behind herself.

As they marched back down the hall angrily the pig cowered away from them. "[What happened?]" Kenny asked.

"Cartman may be a fat fuck, but he's not completely retarded," Kat replied grumpily.

Kenny and Timmy glanced at each other. "Timmay?"

* * *

The next day went out with Stan and Kenny into town. They sat on the sidewalk in front of the South Park Pianos that were half off. Stan was depressed and held his head in his hands. "There's nothing more I can do, Kenny." Kat grimaced at the awkwardness again. He sounded on the brink of tears, "I've tried everything to save Kyle. Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend..."

Kenny glared at him. "[You never fucking care when I die-!]"

"My friend is gonna die..." He out his face in his hands. "He's gonna die, and there's nothing I can do about it." Kat watched sadly as he began to cry. "My best friends gonna die!"

Kenny stood up and shouted, "[Now, that does it! I have had enough of this bullshit! Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

Kat stood up and followed after him worried. "Kenny, wait-"

"LOOK OUT!"

Kat stopped short and looked up in horror. A man was in the second story of the piano store and a piano was hanging by a literal thread. "Kenny-!"

The rope snapped and the piano fell and crashed on top of him. Kat was frozen with a terror stricken face as blood leaked out from underneath the broken piano. "Oops." The man above shrugged and whistled as he walked off.

Stan was oblivious and only continued crying. "I'll never see Kyle again!"

Kat looked around and shouted, "DID NO ONE ELSE FUCKING SEE THIS?" Stan only continued to sob while no one else was around. She sighed and took out her iPhone. "Fine."

As she was taking pictures, Ellen drove up next to them in her minivan. "Kat, Stan, hope in the car kids. Sheila is taking Kyle to the Native Americans today." Stan sniffled as he climbed into the car and Kat climbed in after him as she checked over the pictures in her phone.

Ellen glanced back at them in the rearview mirror and asked, "So what were you kids up to last night?"

"We tried to steal Cartman's kidney since he's the only match for Kyle in South Park," Stan sniffled in reply.

Ellen blinked. "Yeah, but he has the Kidney Blocker 2000 on," Kat added.

"Oh..." Ellen put a hand to her chin thoughtfully.

Ellen and the kids entered the store, finding Sheila holding Kyle by his limp arm off to the side. The two Mexicans were talking to a customer. "I get this pain in my balls whenever I watch VH1," he explained.

"Oh, try this!" The Mexican in red pulled out a bottle. "Uh, this is, uh, all-natural ball juice."

They both chuckled as the customer took it and began to drink. "Wow, I feel better already!" As he walked away holding his balls they chuckled again.

Miss Information walked up to them. "And next, we have Mrs. Broflivski's son."

Kat and Stan watched in worry as Sheila dragged him across the floor to them. "Okay, here he is."

The two men stared down at Kyle. He was deathly pale with his cheeks sunken in. The one in blue chuckled uneasily and said, "Hey, man, that kids looks really sick."

"Yes, he really needs his toxins flushed again," Miss Information explained.

"No, I mean he looks _really_ sick, man," he repeated more seriously. "You should take him to a, like, a doctor." Stan, Kat and Ellen looked at each other happily.

Everyone else in the store looked confused. "But you're more in touch with the earth," Sheila argued.

"Look," he put his hsnad up, "being in touch with the earth has nothing to do with dying, man."

"It's okay," Sharon assured. "We trust that you know what you're doing."

They looked back down at Kyle to see him groan pitifully. "No, man, that kid needs a doctor," the red man argued back. "And besides, we're not actually Native Americans. I mean, I'm more like a- Mexican."

"What!?" Everyone in the room was startled.

"Yeah. A Mexican." The man with the ball juice spit it out as everyone else sounded out in disgust. A woman screamed as he held her uterus.

Sharon got in their faces angrily, "How dare you deceive us like that?"

"Hey, we never said we were Native American's, man," the blue one replied. "Miss Information said that."

"Yeah, she said nobody would buy anything from Mexicans," his friend added.

The three of them watched as everyone's glares were turned on her. "Uh..." She backed up a little as they closed in. "Toxins **are** your enemy," she said.

"Kill her!" They all shouted and jumped her and began beating the shit out of her.

"Yeah!" Kat shouted in victory. The three of them ran over to Sheila and Kyle.

"So **now** can we take Kyle to the hospital?" Stan asked.

"Yes, of course," Sheila replied, "But we don't have a kidney donor."

"That's all right." Everyone turned back to Ellen. "If you'll all help, I think I have a plan."

* * *

Cartman woke up to the sound of his alarm ringing. He yawned and pulled off the blanket onto to shout in surprise. His Kidney Blocker 2000 was removed from him with all the locks undone and red was stained all over his bed sheet. "Those sons of bitches!" he shouted angrily.

He got dressed and ran over to Stan's house. He pounded on the door and Stan and Kat answered. "Okay, assholes, give me back my kidney!"

"Dude, please," Stan begged. "Kyle needs it!"

"It's _mine_! Not yours, _mine! _Give it back right now or there's going to be Hell to pay!"

Kat sighed and rolled her eyes. "All right, all right. Here." She took a kidney out of her pocket and handed it to him.

He stared at the kidney in his hand surprised for a moment. "Thank you. And you better hope to God it still works just like it did before!" With that he marched off.

After he was gone the two kids ran out of Stan's house over to Kat's. "Go, go, go!" She shouted.

* * *

Dr. Doctor was in his office doing paperwork when Cartman came through his door. "Why, hello there, Eric," he greeted, setting down his pencil.

Cartman climbed up into the chair and slammed his kidney down on his desk. Dr. Doctor blinked at it. "You see that? That's _mine. _My asshole friends, Stan and Kat, took my kidney and I need it put back in!" He sat down in the chair and added, "Please."

"Oh, I see," he realized. He took the kidney. "Are you sure that now that it's already out you don't want to just let your friend, Kyle, have it?"

"No, because it doesn't belong to _Kyle_. It belongs to _me_. It's _mine_!"

"Well, all right then, we'll get you prepped for surgery." He took out a form on a clipboard. "If you'll just sign this release."

"Thank you." Cartman signed the form.

* * *

Everyone was gathered around Kyle as he laid in the hospital bed. "How are you feeling, bubbe?" Sheila asked.

"Better, thanks," he replied.

"You look a lot better," Kat commented as she and Stan stood on a chair at his bedside.

"Yeah, looks like Western medicine really did the trick," Sharon said and Ellen rolled her eyes.

"Hey," they turned back to Kyle, "Thanks for going through all that to save my life, you guys."

"You're our friend!" Kat replied.

"Yeah, and I don't want you to die until I do," Stan added.

The two Mexicans even showed up. "Yeah, hey, man, we're glad you're getting better, too."

"Hey... H-hey, what's going on?" They all turned to the second bed to see Cartman waking up.

"Kyle's all better, Cartman, thanks to you," Kat replied and stuck her tongue out at him.

"Huh!?"

"It was all a trick!" Stan explained. "Your mom undid the Kidney Blocker and then we put ketchup in your bed so you'd think we took your kidney!"

"Yes, but it was all just a trick," Dr. Doctor said as he came into the room. "it was to get you to come in and sign this release."

"Isn't that funny, sweetie?" Cartman's mom said.

"UGH!" Cartman slammed his fists on the bed. "I am so pissed off!"

Then their teacher, Mr. Garrison, entered the room. "Oh, here's everybody."

"Hey, Mr. Garrison," Kat greeted.

"Where've you been?" Stan asked.

"Boys, I have an announcement to make," he said. Kat glared at him. "I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore. I've become a nest-selling author! And, Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy as a get-well present."

"Oh." Kyle took the book and examined the cover. It was titled "In the Valley of Penises". "Thanks?"

"That's not even the proper plural for penis," Kat whispered.

Cartman behind them was still fuming. "I-Seriously, I'm gonna kill you guys!"

"Careful, Cartman," Stan warned. "You might pop your stitches!"

They all laughed until milk shot out of Kyle's kidney. He quickly held his nose. "What the-?"

"Oh good, you got the crappy kidney."

Kat caught something shift in the corner of her eye and she glanced over. Standing by the wall was an invisible shimmer of an alien. "OH GOD NOT AGAIN!" Kat screamed and ran out of the room. Everyone stared after her as she screamed down the hall, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"


	11. Fingerbang Live

"Come on, are you serious!?" Kat shoved her phone in Stan's face some more. "You were literally just a couple feet away!"

Stan backed up away from her. "That doesn't even look like blood, dude," he said and put his hands up in peace. "I literally have no idea what you're talking about."

Kyle glanced between the two of them confused. The three of them were gathered out by the bus stop planning to hang out on their day off. "What are you guys talking about?" He asked.

"Kenny died yesterday," Kat explained. "A piano fell and crushed him. His blood splattered all over the sidewalk! Look!" She shoved her phone in his face.

He leaned back and examined the image. "I see the broken piano, but I just see a puddle of water, not blood."

"Dude, what the fuck!" Kat looked at her picture. "It's red! It's **blood **red!"

Kyle furrowed his brows up at her unsure. "You screamed bloody murder and ran out of my hospital room because you saw a shadow on the wall."

"It was a fucking alien!" She screamed, her hair getting ruffled. "It was an invisible alien with huge black eyes! I'm not crazy!" She grabbed him by the jacket and shook him.

Kyle stared at her concerned as she huffed. Stan glanced between the two of them. "Um... Not to burst your bubble or anything, Kat, but..."

Kat looked over to see Kenny standing next to him looking confused. "[What's going on?]"

Kat stared at him in disbelief. "... Oh... Hey, Kenny..." She released Kyle and the boys eyed her confused. "You're fine... Again..."

Kenny furrowed his brows up. "[Dude, what the fuck is going on?]"

"Kat said she saw you die yesterday," Stan replied and Kenny went wide eyed. "She had a picture of a destroyed piano with water coming out of it calling it your blood."

Kenny walked up to her and she showed him the picture. "[... That's, uh... Pretty funny, Kat.]" Kenny glanced around at his friends.

Kat just stared down at her phone. "Yeah..." She then deleted the photo. She sighed. "Fuck this town, man, this place is getting to me."

Kyle stared at her worried. "Please, don't get sucked into this town. Please."

"Guys! You guys!" They all turned to see Cartman running towards them. "Guys! Oh my god you guys!"

"What is it, Cartman?" Stan asked as they watched him run circles around them.

"You guys, follow me!" He shouted and ran off. "Come on you guys!" They glanced at each other unsure, but started to run after him. Cartman suddenly stopped and whirled around on them with an unhappy look. "Sorry, Kat, but not you."

They all stopped and she blinked. "Huh?"

"I said guys," he explained, "Not guys and the girl."

She glared back at him. "Dammit, Cartman, this again?"

"Cartman," Stan stood between the two of them, "You gotta face it, dude, Kat hangs out with us."

"Just because she's sucking Kyle's dick doesn't mean she's my friend," he replied and Kat was horrified, her face turning red.

"God damn, fatman!" Kat shouted at him exasperated. "I'm not sucking dick!"

"Dammit, Cartman, lay off of Kat," Kyle said.

Cartman scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Whatever, come on guys."

He walked off again and they glanced at each other again. Kat sighed and said, "Go ahead, guys, I don't care. I have other things to do anyways."

"Well... Okay, see you later, Kat," Kyle said and they walked off.

Kenny paused, though, and turned back to Kat. They stared at each other for a moment. "Just try not to die," she said.

"[Yeah...]" In a daze he followed after his friends.

Kat sighed and went back home. Her mother was home as well ,watching television with Leonidas, and they were both surprised that she was back. "Hey there, sweetie. What brings you home so soon?"

"Mom, I'm pretty sure the guy I like is sure that I'm insane."

Ellen raised an eyebrow. "Insane? Insane how?"

Kat stared at her mother with a straight face. "I watched my friend die yesterday and I see aliens."

Ellen stared back at her. "Oh... Well, yes, that would do it." Kat sighed and went upstairs.

She spent her day inside getting her homework done. The next day she woke up and sleepily got into her office chair. She signed onto Facebook, seeing recent posts her friends made. She then spotted a post by Kenny. That was rare. [Auditions being held today at Cartman's house for the fifth position of our Boy Band.]

Kat raised her eyebrow. "That's what Cartman was so excited about?" She watched as Kyle and Stan liked his post.

Cartman commented, [I said not to tell everybody, Kenny! Only people worth it! I don't want to waste time wading through a bunch of shit!]

Kat tapped her chin thoughtfully. She hopped out of her chair and decided to make a change of clothes. "I haven't worn these in a while. Hopefully it fits still." She put on her camo cargo pants and aviator jacket. She put up her hair and put on a simple black hat. She stared at her mirror on her closet door at her reflection. With her face looking like everyone else's and her feminine features nonexistent, she could pass as a boy. She smiled evilly to herself. "All right, Cartman, let's see you stop me now." She quickly caught herself and coughed, clearing her throat. Mimicking a boys voice she said, "All right, Cartman, let's see you stop me now."

* * *

Kat made her way to Cartman's house and spotted the crappy auditions sign on his front door. As she walked up Wendy came out looking pissed off. She then looked surprised when she saw Kat. "Kat?"

Kat stopped short. "Aw, dammit, you can tell I'm a girl?"

"Well, no," she replied. "I can just tell it's you. Are you dressing up like a boy to trick fatass in there?"

"Yeah, he's trying to keep me out of their group cause I'm a girl that beats him up."

"Well you're going to trick them pretty good," she assured. "Get Cartman extra pissed off for me, would you?"

"Of course." Wendy left and Kat cleared her throat. She took out her music sheet from her pocket and entered the home.

The boys were sitting at a table together and Cartman had the microphone. "All right, wow me," he said. Already in a pissy mood. Kyle stared at her strangely as she gave the piano kid her music sheet.

She kept her hands in her jacket pockets and cleared her throat. In her boy voice she sang, "Mrs. Landers was a health nut, she cooked food in a wok~ Mr. Harris was her boyfriend and he had a great big- cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit~" The boys clapped along happily to her song, though Cartman still seemed skeptical. "And I don't want my breakfast because it tastes like- shih tzus make good house pets, they're cuddly and sweet~ Monkeys aren't good to have, 'cause they like to beat their- meeting in the office, a meeting in a hall~ the boss he wants to see you, so you can suck his- Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt~ Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's because she's a- contaminated water can really make you sick~ your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your- dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck~ and if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!"

She finished her song and the boys, except Cartman, applauded. "That was awesome!" Stan said.

"Eh, it was okay," Cartman shrugged, refusing to be impressed.

"Whatever, Cartman. You didn't like anybody else," Kyle pointed out.

Kenny asked, "[What's your name, kid?]"

She raised an eyebrow at them. "Am I in the Boy Band?"

"Of course!" Stan replied.

She smirked. She then took off her hand and let her hair down. "Goddammit!" Cartman slammed his fists down on the table Kyle shouted, "Oh, thank God!"

Stan glanced at Kyle weirdly. "Uh-nothing, it's nothing," he replied hastily.

"No!" Cartman pointed at her smirking face. "No!"

"[Dude, she's the best out of everyone who auditioned. I don't even think I can sing that good.]"

"Yeah, Cartman," Stan agreed. "You hated everyone else."

"Who else do we have lined up outside?" Cartman asked.

"No one, fatman," Kat replied smugly. "I'm the last one."

"She's a chick!" He shouted at the others. "We can't have a _chick_ in a _Boy Band_!"

Kyle then replied, "Obviously she can pass as a guy. Nobody's going to notice."

"No one's going to notice!?" He lifted up his own tits and said, "What about her huge freakin' hooters, huh?" Kat looked down at herself, not seeing any hooters.

"She's the best chance we have," Kyle replied. "I say she's in."

"Me too," both Stan and Kenny said.

"Oh, this is a democratic Boy Ban, is it?" He glared at them. "All right, fine. She's in until she screws up."

"Yeah!" Kat cheered in victory.

Kat wasn't as happy the next day when they all had to gather at Cartman's at the ass crack of dawn. Cartman seemed up and ready for the day though. "Okay, you guys all ready to rehearse?"

The four of them stood together looking exhausted. "Cartman, it's six in the morning," Stan said weakly. "Do we have to rehearse this early?"

"We have to rehearse all that we can! Now, check this out." He dragged over a box of clothes. "My mom made us costumes!"

"Costumes?" Kat questioned as they gathered around.

"Yeah! This is yours, Stan," Cartman passed around the costumes. "This one is Kyle's. This one will cover up Kat's hooters."

Kat stared at him flatly as she took the costume. "I'm, like, eight years old. I have eight year old hooters."

"Yeah, and their huge." He stared at her for a moment. "Slut." She glared back.

"Hey, Cartman, how come your costume has, like, nose-rings and facial hair?" Stan asked.

"'Cause I'm, like, you know, the tough one," he replied."Every Boy Band has to have the one member that's, you know, tough."

Kyle glanced at Kat. "I want to be the tough one."

Cartman stared at him for a moment. "Kyle, you are the sweet one," he explained calmly. "Will you please just cooperate and not-"

"I wanna be the tough one," he repeated firmly.

"You can't _be _the tough one because you're **Jewish!**"

"Jews are tough!"

"Since when!?"

"Since Abraham, fatass!"

"Hey, Cartman." Cartman glared sideways at Kat's smirk. "You know... The Jews survived the Holocaust." Cartman went wide eyed. "Tough enough that Hitler couldn't beat them."

He glared and shouted, "All right, fine! Here!" In a fit he tossed the tough costume at Kyle. "Jesus Christ I wonder if every Boy Band had to go through this."

The kids put on their costumes. Cartman looked like a fat little Elvis with an ascot, Stan a lesbian Amelia Earhart, Kenny a little boy and Kyle an attractive little bad boy. Kat was forced to look like a wannabe-French aspiring painter. "Hey, Cartman, what does Fingerbang mean anyways?" Stan asked and Kat froze.

"I heard it on HBO," Cartman replied. "It means like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something."

Kat furrowed her brows up. "Um, that's not what Fingerbang means."

Cartman glared at her. "Okay, what does it mean?"

Kenny jumped in and explained, "[It's when you take your finger and stick it up your ass-hole, and it makes you feel really good.]"

"What!? Who the hell would do that!? Jesus Christ, Kenny, grow up would you!? All right, boys, let's do it from the top." They formed into a line next to him. "One, two, three, four!"

* * *

After a few days of endless practicing, Cartman led them to the South Park Mall as he carried the boom box. "All right, guys, just do it like we rehearsed. We need energy! We need to be up!"

"Excuse me." They all stopped and looked up at a couple of mall security officers. "Just where do you think you're going?"

"We're going to see the mall manager," Cartman replied.

"Do you have the proper clearance?" The security officer asked.

Kat scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Mall cops."

"You have to make an appointment first," the officer explained. "Now move along, sir."

"But we practiced for days!" Cartman insisted. "All we want to do is show the guy what we can do." The rest of them watched as the officer slowly took out pepper spray from his holster. "So that maybe we'll have a chance to perform in the plaza of the-" He stopped short as the officer sprayed him in the face. "Ah! AH! AH GODDAMMIT!" He held his now red face in pain.

"Jesus Christ, dude!" Kyle shouted.

"OH GOD! AH! I CAN'T SEE!" Kat chuckled a little.

The officer showed no sympathy in his face. "Move along, sir, or I'll do it again."

Kat then sighed. "All right, fuck you, dude." They huddled around Cartman and helped him walk away as Stan carried the boom box.

They got away from the officers and regrouped. "Well, I guess we can't get in to see the Mall Manager," Stan said.

Cartman coughed and spluttered a couple times, getting over the pepper spray. "The Hell we can't!" He replied. "I'm not letting no washed-up mall cops ruin my divine quest. Come on!" He led the way and having nothing better to do they followed.

Cartman hijacked a microphone and his voice was heard throughout the store over the intercoms, "Attention, Mall shoppers, the next twenty people to buy an orange smoothie will also receive a complimentary Nissan Sentra. Hurry up."

Kat watched as the people around the mall scattered in a frenzy. "Yeah, that'll keep the mall cops busy."

"I can't believe how many people believe that," Kyle said.

The five kids snuck by the crowds and made it to the mall management doors. "All right, guys, where we go." Cartman opened the doors and strut inside. "Hello, sir!"

"What?" A haggard and exhausted looking man was startled from looking over a paper. He frowned at them, "Hey, who are you?"

Cartman gestured to them. "We are Fingerbang."

"Oh... What? How'd you get in here?" He seemed a little slow.

"We would like to audition for you," he explained, "for a gig in the central plaza of your fine mall."

"What? Oh... You want to play at the mall?" He questioned. "Like Tiffany?"

"Sort of like Tiffany, yes," he replied annoyed. "Can we audition?"

"Oh, well , I guess... What?"

"All right, let's do it, boys!" Cartman set up the boom box and played the tape.

All of them began to sing, "Gonna Fingerbang Bang you into my life~ Girl, you like to Fingerbang and that's all right~" Their keys were off and their chorography was shit and out of sync. "Gonna Fingerbang Bang you every night~" Cartman stepped forward for his solo, "And, Girl, you know, you, Girl, you, Girl, you're the girl of my dreams, you, Girl, you, Girl, you're the girl of my dreams~"

The mall manager frowned at them. "Okay, that's enough."

"~You're my fantasy, my fantasy-"

"Thank you."

Cartman stopped his horrible singing and backed up to his group. "So can we play here?" He asked.

"What? No."

"No?"

"Who? No."

"Why not?"

"Well, uh, uh, oh... Right now there's a cheese and sausage cart in the plaza, and I would- I'd hate to have to move it off to the side for a while... What?"

"You don't think we're any good, do you?" Cartman questioned angrily.

"No, I mean, just not quite as good as sausage and cheese."

"Ouch," Kat commented.

Cartman sighed. "Well, come on, guys, we gave it our best."

As he picked up the boom box the manager said, "Wow, that was your best?"

Cartman glared at him. They left the office and sat together on a bench in the mall, resting their heads in their hands. "Wow, I feel so rejected," Kyle said.

"[Yeah,]" Kenny agreed.

"There you are." They glanced behind them to see the two mall cops covered in orange smoothie. "You're the hoodlums who got on the intercom and started an orange smoothie riot!"

Stan muttered, "Uh-oh."

"I will now read you your mall rights!" He pulled out a note card. "You have the right to shop at a variety of malls-"

"Run for it!" Kyle shouted and they bolted.

"Go get 'em, Rookie!" Kat glanced back, but didn't see anyone chasing them.

They ran out of the mall huffing and puffing. "Well, that was a bust," Kat panted. "What now?"

Cartman sighed, seeming more bummed out than usual. "You guys can go practice. There's someone I gotta see," he said and walked off.

The four of them glanced at each other. "Wanna go play video games?" Stan asked.

"Yeah!" They all happily agreed and left to go hijack Cartman's consoles.

* * *

The next day they were gathered out at the snowy playground in their Boy Band costumes. "Okay, this is how this first shot is going to work," Cartman explained. He dragged Bebe, Red, Annie and Wendy out to help them. "The girls are standing here, and then the members of the band walk by looking cool. When you see us, you girls all scream like- '_Oh my god it's Fingerbang! Oh my god!'_\- okay?"

"Are we going to get paid now or after?" Bebe asked.

"I'll pay you afterward, promise," he replied. "Okay, Timmy, roll camera!"

"TIMMAY!" Timmy sat behind the tripod and gave a thumb up.

Cartman limped back toward the band and Kyle asked, "Dude, what's wrong with your leg?"

"Huh?" He glanced down at the bulge in his pants. "Oh, Chef said to put a cucumber down my pants for good luck."

Kat and Stan glanced at each other. They ignored his cucumber and walked in line passed the girls. They went unenthusiastically, "Yeah! Woo-hoo! Yeah!"

"Wait, wait, wait- cut!" Cartman shouted and turned to the girls. "You have to go crazier than that! You have to act like it's freakin' Leonardo Dicaprio!"

"We wouldn't give a rat's ass if Leonardo Dicaprio came walking passed us," Wendy replied and the rest of the girls agreed.

Kat shoved Cartman aside and said, "Listen, act like it's Matt Lauer."

"Ooooh! Okay!" They replied, now that it made sense to them.

"Okjay, roll camera!" Cartman shouted.

"TIMMAY!"

The five of them walked in front of the girls and they **screamed**. They screamed loud enough to blow them away. Cartman got back to his feet and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" They then made another shot of them singing together and the girls hugging on them and screaming. "And cut! All right, our video's complete."

"Timmay!"

"With the grace of God, I can now go back to that Mall manager and show him what we've got!"

"Okay, so where's our money?" Bebe asked.

"Oh, uh, Kat has it," he replied and walked away.

Kat blinked and suddenly she was surrounded. Her expression went flat and she sighed. "Goddammit. Can we sparkle about this or something?"

"Give us money and there'll be sunshine," Red promised.

Kat mumbled curses under breath as she took out her allowance. "Stanley, what the hell are you doing?" Randy showed up looking pissed off at Stan again.

"We're making a music video," Stan replied.

"You get in the truck right now!" He dad shouted and they all stared.

"Dad, I was just-"

"Get in the truck!"

Stan sighed and was forced to leave. After Kat paid the girls off they scattered. Kat then asked Kyle, "What's up his dad's ass?"

"A lot is up his ass," he replied. "Almost all the time."

* * *

Cartman managed to persuade the manager to move aside the sausage and cheese cart for a little while so that Fingerbang could perform. The four of them were gathered behind the curtain, peeking out to see people standing and wait to see what was going to happen. "Wow, dude, there's gotta be like twenty people out there," Kyle said.

They huddled up and Cartman asked, "Where the Hell is Stan?"

"He'll be here," Kat replied. "He wouldn't douche."

"I swear to God, if he ruins this dream of mine, I will have his _nuts_!"

The manager then walked up to them. "Hey, uh, are you gonna do that thing or what?"

"Yes, yes, sir, any second," Cartman hastily replied. "We're just waiting on one more member."

"Well hurry up," he said, "I can't keep the sausage and cheese cart off this spot much longer." The owner of the cart was glaring at them.

"Yeah, we'll start right away," Cartman assured. Once the manager walked away he said, "We'll have to do it without him."

"Hell no!" Kyle exclaimed. "I'm not being part of a four member Boy Band! We'll look stupid!"

"[Yeah!]" Kenny agreed.

"Oh, goddammit!" Cartman shouted angrily. He then peeked back out at the crowd again. "Goddammit! People are walking away!"

The manager came back up to them. "All right, kids, that does it. You're gonna have to move and make way for the sausage and cheese cart."

"Just another minute-"

"Sorry, get out." He pointed for them to leave and they began walking away with their heads hung.

Cartman stopped to stare at the ceiling. "Well, god, I guess you got me again, didn't you. Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard."

"Cartman!" Kat ran back happily and turned him around. "Look!" Coming off the elevator was Stan with his dad. "It's Stan!"

"Oh, thank you, God!" Cartman shouted. "Oh, praise His name!"

"Dude, where the hell have you been?" Kyle asked as Stan walked up to them.

"Sir!" Cartman ran back to the manager. "We're all here now. Can we go on, _please_?"

"Who? Well, okay, I guess, but hurry up."

"We will!" Cartman ran out on the platform and they followed. "Ladies and Gentlemen, you are about to witness the next great boy band of the country! Someday you will all be among those who can say, 'I saw Fingerbang when they first performed at some crappy little mall!'" The manager glared at them. "And without further ado, all five members of the-"

Kenny muffled a yelp and there was a squish. Everyone looked over in horror as Kenny was crushed to death underneath an elevator. Kat was horrified for a moment, but then glared and shouted, "Dammit, not again!"

"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" Stan shouted.

"You bastard!" Kyle shouted, pointing at the people who got off the elevator.

Kat ran up to take pictures of the scene as Cartman's world fell around him. "No, he can't be dead..."

The elevator went back up and Kenny's squished body stuck to it. "Dude, he's pretty dead," Kat replied as she kept taking pictures.

"No!" He shouted. "We were so close!"

"All right, that's it, kids." The manager pointed for them to leave again. "Get out!"

"But we have to perform!"

"We don't have a fifth member, Cartman!" Kyle explained irritated.

Stan then smiled. "Oh, yes we do."

* * *

"Thank you all for your patience!" Cartman addressed the crowd. "And now get ready for Fingerbang!"

Kat, Kyle and Stan rushed out along with Stan's dad, now dressed shirtless with an open vest and a little boy baseball hat. "~Fingerbang! Bang Bang- Fingerbng Bang- Bang Bang Bang- I'm gonna Fingerbang Bang you into my life~ Girl, you like to Fingerbang and it's all right~" The crowd became disinterested and walked away while maintenance people scrapped Kenny's body off the elevator. "~Because I'm the king of Fingerbang- Let's not fight~ I'll just Fingerbang Bang you every night~" The Mall cop moved his hips to the music while the rookie walked away. "~I'll just Fingerbang Bang you every night~ Cha!" They posed at the finish and a small handful of people applauded politely.

Cartman relished the crowd. "Yes! Yes! Thank you, yes!"

After the performance the sausage and cheese cart was put back in its proper spot and the five of them sat together at the platform. "We made two dollars!" Kyle said happily.

"You were great, dad," Stan said.

"Yeah, I guess I still got it in me a little," Randy replied.

A kindergarten girl walked up to Cartman and asked, "Can I get your autograph?"

"Hey, don't hassle the talent, Ma'am." The mall cop came over and pushed her back.

"I actually don't really know who they are. I was just getting an autograph- Ahhhh!" She screamed as he pepper sprayed her in the face.

"Move along, ma'am." The little girl ran off. "That was pretty good, kids," he said to them. "Maybe you can come perform at my Elk's Club sometime."

"Okay, yeah, maybe," Cartman replied and they walked off. "God, it's like everyone wants a piece of us."

"Yeah," Kyle agreed.

"I don't know if I can handle all this fame," Cartman confessed. "I mean, I always thought I'd want to be famous, but now that I am, I don't know if I like it. I mean, I probably can't even walk through this mall right now without people going '_Oh my God, it's the Fingerbang guy! Oh my god!_"

"Yeah, that's gonna suck," Kyle said in realization.

"Yeah... I just want to be a normal kid again," Stan said. "Have a normal life and appreciate what I have."

"I think you boys are very smart for your age," Randy said, putting a hand on Stan's back. Kat stared out across the mall with a flat expression. "Come on, I'll buy you all an orange smoothie."

"I don't think they sell those anymore," Stan said, but he followed him.

"Hey, Cartman, do you think God is going to be mad at you for not making $10 million?" Kyle asked as they followed.

"Oh, screw God, I'm not scared of him," Cartman replied. "He's a pussy."

Kat remained where she was as everyone else left. She then shouted, "_It's only been like two fucking minutes since we started this!_" The sausage and cheese cart man jumped in fright and dropped his sausage. She huffed and threw off her glasses. "I want a goddamn strawberry smoothie," she said and followed after them.

* * *

The five of them sat together at a table drinking their smoothies. "Come on, Stanley, we should get home," Randy said.

"Yeah, okay." Stan took his smoothie with him as they left.

"Well, I'm goin' to take off this gay ascot," Cartman said and left as well.

Kat and Kyle remained at the table together, and suddenly it became awkward. They looked at anything else as they tried to think of a conversation. "So..." Kat cleared her throat. "Kenny died again."

"Huh? Oh, yeah... Wait, what?" He looked at her confused. "Again?"

Kat stared down at her smoothie. She sighed. "You know... You looked cute as a bad boy." Kyle was stunned. "But I think you're cuter how you normally look." He then turned shocked. He was unable to respond and Kat hopped off her chair and left. She took out her phone to look at her pictures of Kenny's flat body. "Absolutely no point, huh, Kenny?"

Unbeknownst to her, Kenny's ghost was floating beside her. He sighed sadly. "[Yeah, no point at all.]"


	12. Revelations One

A/N: Hey friends! If you wanna be a best friend then check out my channel on YouTube! Same name as my FanFiction account, Acquisitive Margo, and watch me play video games!

* * *

Kat went down the hall on the second level of her house and went into her moms room. "Mom? Can I go to church today?"

Ellen stopped folding laundry and stared at her. "You... Want to go to church?"

Kat shrugged. "Yeah, I mean, I've never gone and Stan, Cartman and Kenny are going. They asked if I wanted to tag along."

"Well..." Ellen glanced around at her folded clothes.

Kat raised an eyebrow at her. "Mom? Is there something wrong with church?"

"W-what? No- no nothing's wrong with church, sweetie." Kat watched her mother strangely as Ellen fiddled her hands together nervously. She turned away and asked, "Hon, do you know... What religion your friends follow?"

Kat thought about it. "Well, Kyle's Jewish. Um... Almost everyone else here is Roman Catholic as far as I'm aware." Ellen sighed and closed her eyes, huddling her hands to chest. Kat furrowed her brows up in worry. "Mom? What are... We? I've never actually known. We don't have crosses hung up and we don't pray before dinner. We've never gone to church."

"We're... Christian, hon," Ellen explained very carefully. "You may have been too young to remember. You see... We used to go to church all the time, every Sunday, but after your father and I divorced, we simply stopped going to church. You had school and I had to work. It's difficult to be a single mom, so after the divorce I... Decided to **stop** going to church."

Kat stared at her mom's back very confused. "... So... Can I go?"

"Uh..." Ellen glanced around nervously. "Yes... Just... Stick close with your friends, all right?"

"Yeah, sure." Kat gave her mother an odd look before leaving.

* * *

Kat sent a message to Stan she was going and dressed up in a pink dress, since apparently you had to dress up for church. Stan's parents picked her up and then went to church on the West side of town. She sat between Kenny and Stan in the pews next to Sharon and Randy. Cartman and Liane were sitting behind them and Kat glanced around, seeing everyone holding a book. "Hey," she whispered, "where do I get one?"

"[Here, we can share,]" Kenny said and moved his book over for her.

She looked over the book and then asked, "Great, now what?"

"We're going to sing a couple psalms together before the priest talks a lot," Stan replied. "After he talks a lot we leave. My parents are going to take us to Denny's or something."

"Oh, sweet! Church is awesome," she whispered happily and looked down at the book again.

Soon enough church began and they sang together, "I walk hand in hand with Jesus~ Over at the park by where he lives~ I tell him all my problems and sometimes he tells me his~ What a friend I have in Jesus, I can say that honestly~ He's unlike all other friends who really don't care about me~ Amen~"

They sat down and Kat stared at the book strangely. "Um, weird song."

"Boring song," Stan corrected.

The man at the podium stepped aside and said, "And now Mr. Mackey will read his favorite psalm for us, Psalm 46."

Mr. Mackey took the front and read, "God is our refuge and strength,' Mkay? 'A very present help in trouble,' Mkay?"

Cartman leaned over their backseat and whispered to them, "Hey, you guys, you want to know what my favorite psalm is?" He lifted his book up and said, "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation." Kenny giggled a bit. "This sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation." All three of them were giggling and trying to stay quiet.

"God is in the midst of her,' Mkay? 'She shall not be moved,' Mkay?"

Stan whispered, "Wait-wait-wait. 'It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in the woman's-"

"It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in the woman's separation to increase the population of the younger generation," he repeated and they giggled again.

Kenny whispered, "[It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's generation-]"

"No, no, it's separation," Kat whispered. "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's-"

"_Children_!" The three of them jumped. The priest was standing right next to them and pointed them out looking very angry. "You are in _church_!"

Liane glared and punched her son in the face, knocking him back down in his chair. "The god of Jacob is our refuge,' Mkay?"

Mr. Mackey left the podium and the Priest took over. "Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone. Today we are going to talk about **Hell**." Kat glanced around as she heard ominous organ music playing. "Hell is not a very nice place. Burning, searing flames, screaming, torture for eternity. Once you are in Hell, you cannot escape." Kat stared transfixed on the Priest as did her friends. "You live forever in horrible pain and burning agony. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over. If you be cast down into this black bog of stench then woe is thou, for Satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe. And he will be your ruler! Your ruler of pain and agony! A place of everlasting agony and pain, Hell awaits all sinners and all who do not accept Christ." Kat glanced around at her friends, seeing them looking scared as well. "Children have not been attending Sunday School after Mass, and adults have not been coming to confession. If this does not change, I promise you: You will all be going to the black pit of Satan's world! That is all. Peace be with you."

The priest walked away and everyone stood and began to leave. "Well that was quite an uplifting sermon," Randy said as he and Sharon began leaving.

"Yeah," she agreed.

"Mom, we're staying for Sunday School."

They stopped short and looked back at them in surprise. "What?"

"We have to go to Sunday School so we don't burn," Stan hastily replied.

Kat, Kenny and him ran off after the Priest. "Yeah- I'll see you later, mom!" Cartman hurried after them as well.

Other kids that were at church were running for the Sunday School room as well. They sat together at a round table with a nun. "Hello, children," she greeted. "I'm Sister Anne, and I'll be teaching you so that you can all receive you first communion."

Stan blurted out from fear and asked, "Are we gonna go to Hell?"

Sister Anne blinked. "Well, hopefully not. That's why you're gonna need to receive communion."

"A-And as long as we get this communion thing, we're safe?" Cartman asked.

Kat hurriedly asked, "What if we haven't really done anything that horribly bad in our lives?"

"Yeah, what _if _we hadn't?" Cartman added.

"It doesn't matter, "Sister Anne replied, "Because we are all born with original sin. Now let me explain how communion works." She took out a plate of crackers and set them on the table. "The Priest will give you this round cracker and he will say, 'The body of Christ,' and then you eat it."

The children stared at her. "Jesus was made of crackers?" Cartman questioned.

"No."

"But crackers are his body," Kat said.

"Yes."

They stared at her again. Kenny tossed his hands up. "[What!?]"

Sister Anne held up the bible and explained, "In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said, 'Eat this, for it is my body."

"So we don't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers," Cartman concluded.

She waved her hand quickly, "No, no, no, no."

Butters then asked, "Well, what are we eating, then?"

"The body of Christ!"

"No, no, no, I get it," Stan said. "Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him."

She frowned at him. "No!"

He furrowed his brows up. "No?"

"I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers," Butters said.

"Look, all you have to know is that when the Priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?"

The kids glanced at each other and replied sounding unsure. "Okay..."

"And then you will drink a very small amount of wine, for that is the blood of Christ."

"Oh, come on, now!" Kat quickly closed her book and sat back in her chair annoyed. "This is just getting silly."

"Katherine, do you want to go to Hell?" Sister Anne asked.

She furrowed her brows up. "No."

"Then stop questioning me."

Kat glared at her. "Well at least I **understand **what the hell Hell is about. Jesus sounds like he was smoking some burning bush before his last dinner- which was full of alcohol!"

Stan cut in and said, "Now we can have communion and not go to Hell, right?"

Sister Anne replied, "No. Because before you can take your first communion, you have to have your first confession."

Kenny was as confused as the rest of them. "[Confession?]"

"You'll be getting in the confession box with a priest and confessing all your sins so that God can forgive you. You kids will all have to go to your first confession this Tuesday, so I want you all to go home tonight and think long and hard about all your sins so that you can tell the Priest everything."

Everyone stared at her in fearful silence. "[Oh, shit.]"

* * *

Kat sat with her friends out on the sidewalk, writing down her own sins as she tried to think of them. She would glance at her phone for help. Alek: [You're a girl.]

Aaron: [I heard girls can bleed a lot and don't die.]

Jordan: [RAGING bitch.]

Her friends weren't help. The three boys were collaborating out loud as Cartman jotted them all down. "Oh yeah, there was the time we threw a fish into the bus driver's hair and she didn't find it for seven days."

"Oh, yeah, okay..." Cartman wrote that down.

"[Then there was that time he held that kindergartner down and farted on him for twenty eight minutes,]" Kenny recalled.

"Right, already got that one..."

"Hey, dudes," Kyle smiled as he walked up to them. "What are you doing?"

"We're trying to remember all our sins," Kat replied and she continued writing. "Sister Anne told us we have to confess all our sins, or else we're gonna go to Hell."

He stopped short in confusion. "What?"

"Have you confessed all your sins yet?" Stan asked.

He raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"Dude, he's Jewish," Cartman said. "He doesn't have to confess his sins."

"Oh, good. I don't?" He questioned.

"No, you're already going to Hell," Cartman replied.

He glared at him. "I am not!"

He glared back, "You are too!"

Kat furrowed her brows up at Kyle. "Dude, this lady told us if you **don't** confess all your sin and you **don't** eat crackers and drink wine then you go to Hell- period."

Kyle seemed skeptical, but he said, "I'm gonna go ask my mom," and left.

"Now let's see," Stan continued. "What about the time we set Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?"

"Oh, right," Cartman wrote it down. "That was mostly Kenny's fault."

"[What?]"

"You guys! You guys!" Butters ran over to them followed by Timmy, Token and Clyde. "We just thought of something!"

"What, Butters?" Kat asked.

"Well, what about the handicapped kid, Timmy?" He asked.

"TIMMAY!"

"Whad we do to Timmy?" Cartman asked.

"No, I mean poor Timmy's gonna go to Hell," Butters explained. "He can't confess his sins 'cause all he can say is his name."

"TIMMAY!"

"Oh, yeah, you're right." Cartman shrugged. "I guess Timmy's pretty screwed."

Kat was appalled. "We can't let Timmy go to Hell 'cause he's retarded. We have to do something!"

"[What are we gonna do?]" Kenny asked.

"I... I don't know." Kat and Stan shared a worried look.

* * *

Tuesday Stan and Kat went in to confess their sins. They sat together on a bench next to the confessional and whispered Hail Mary's to themselves. "How was it?"

They both stopped abruptly and glared down at him. "Dammit, Cartman!" Kat kicked him.

"OW!" He held his shoulder and glared at her.

"Dude, you screwed us up!" Stan said and Cartman looked confused. "The guy in there said we have to say fifty four and forty two Hail Mary's. Now I can't remember if I was on number seven or eight."

"Whatever, I have to add another ten because I swore," Kat grumbled. "I blame you, Cartman."

"Whatever. Who's in there?" he asked.

"We don't know," she replied. "You can't see him. It's just some anonymous guy."

"Well, here goes everything," he said and got into the box.

Stan and Kat went back to their Hail Mary's until Kenny walked up to them, "[Hey, guys!]"

"Goddammit!" They both shouted.

Kenny furrowed his brows up. "[What?]"

Stan then noticed Sister Anne praying and gasped. "Look! There's Sister Anne! Let's go talk to her." The kids ran over to her as she knelt in front of a bunch of candles and a statue of Jesus. "Sister Anne..."

Sister Anne looked over. "Oh, hello children."

"We have a question," Kat said.

"Okay, shoot," she said and stood to face them.

"Where do the handicapped people go when they die?" Stan asked.

"The handicapped are just people like you and me," she replied, "So the same rules apply: they need to be baptized, take communion, and confess their sins."

"But our friend Timmy can't really talk," Kat explained. "All he can do is say his own name, so he can't really confess his sins. So is he going to go to Hell?"

She blinked at them. "Uh, this really isn't a question for me. It's for the Priest. I'll see if I can find him." She then walked off.

They glanced at each other hoping that she could come back with an answer. They went back to the confession box to see Cartman fall out of the door. He landed on the floor looking ruffed up and frightened. "Ohh-oh-ho!" He jumped to his feet and looked around wide eyed.

"Dude, what happened?" Stan asked.

"I felt it, you guys," he said, staring at them with wide eyes. "I felt the angry hand of God." He held his fat neck and they stared at him in shock. "He is an angry God, you guys. We all have to start taking this **very** seriously."

* * *

The kids followed Sister Anne and the Priest into his office. "Father, the children asked me about their handicapped friend. I want to explain to them that he's fine."

The Father sat down in his chair and asked the kids, "Well, has your friend ever confessed or been baptized?"

"I don't think so," Stan replied.

"Then Hell awaits him." The children were horrified.

Sister Anne quickly said, "Father, these boys are really worried because they think they have to-"

"They **should **be worried!" The Father interrupted. He pointed at them, "Boys-"

Kat glared. "Hey!"

"-it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!"

Sister Anne became concerned. "Yes, but-"

The door swung open and Kyle barged in, dragging his little brother Ike. "Mr. Father! We have to ask you something."

The Father looked to him. "Oh, you're the little Jewish boy, right?"

"Yeah. If we're Jewish, are we gonna go to Hell?"

"Well, young man, you can rest assured that according to Matthew 25, when you die, you will stand before God, and he will say, 'Depart from me, ye cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.' Yes, as a Jew, your home will be the Lake of Fire."

Kyle was terrified and Ike hide behind him in fear. "Oh no!"

Sister Anne frowned at him. "Father-"

"I hope to see **all** of you in church this Sunday," Father said, pointing at them.

"We will be!" They replied and ran back out of the office.

As they ran out of the church, Kyle stopped them and said, "Stan, you've got to help us become good Christians! Please!" He begged.

"All right-all right-all right," he replied. "You heard the Priest: the first thing we have to do is get you all baptized. Come on."

* * *

They got Timmy and had him stand with Kyle in Ike out in the snow of Catrman's front yard. Cartman held a hose and sprayed them all with water. As he was soaking Timmy, Kat said, "Okay, you should baptize Kyle some more."

"Hallelujah!" Cartman sprayed Kyle down. "Wash away the sin-ah!" Kyle yelped from the cold of the water. "Turn around so I can clean out your ass."

"Cartman!" Stan exclaimed.

"What?" Cartman lowered his hose and looked over confused.

"Dude, you just said 'ass'! That's a sin!" He shouted.

Cartman gasped and pointed at him. "Oh, now you've said it, too!"

He went wide eyed. "Oh shit! Oh!"

Kenny was terrified. "[Shit!]"

Kat sighed. "Goddammit."

"Oh, dude, we got to go back to church and confess again!" Cartman said.

"But what about them?" Stan asked, gesturing to the sinners.

"Uh- oh, I know." Cartman ran and brought back an odd weasel with a long penis. "We can use Wacky Water Weasel." He hooked the hose up to the weasel and water shot out of his penis, spraying them in the face. "Okay, come on!"

* * *

"Come on," Kat groaned. "The stupid light won't change." The four of them stood at the crosswalk waiting for the go.

"Come on, hurry up!" They turned towards Token's voice to see him run up with Butters, Clyde and Bebe. "Hey, what are you guys doing?" He asked.

"We're going to church," Stan replied. "We sinned and so we have to confess again."

"Us, too," Butters said. "We saw a picture of a naked lady. We could see her whole beaver!"

Clyde added, "Yeah, if we died right now we'd have unclean souls and we'd burn in Hell."

The crosswalk light turned green. "Come on, let's go!" Kat shouted. They ran across the street and a car honk made some of them slow down. "Wait-" A bus flew by and Kenny splattered across the front of it and got carried off with it. The children froze and stared after the bus in horror. "... Oh... Fuck."

"Oh my god!" Stan shouted. "They killed Kenny!"

"He had sins that he didn't confess!" Butters added.

Kat's eyes went wider. "Oh fuck."

"And he never took communion!" Cartman realized.

Kat put her face in her hands. "Oh, god_dammit_."

"He's doomed," Stan said.

Clyde shouted, "We gotta get to church before we die!" They continued on, but cautiously.

* * *

They ran up to the church and Kat tried to open the doors. She then banged on them. "Oh-no," she turned to the others. "It's locked!"

"What?" Stan questioned. "No!"

"We have to confess our sins!" Cartman went up to the doors and pounded on them furiously. "We have to confess our sins before we die!"

Butters spoke up, "Hey, there's a window in the back that's usually open."

The kids went around the back and hopped inside through the window. "The confession box is over there!" Stan said and pointed for it.

"Me first! Me first!" Cartman ran ahead of the others and opened the door. There was a woman bent over a giggling. She quickly closed the door and Cartman blinked. "What the-?" He opened the other door to see the Priest with his pants down fucking the woman through a hole.

He turned and stared in horror at the children who mirrored his expression. "Oh- son of a bitch!" He hastily pulled his pants back up as the woman fled the room giggling. "Uh-kids-uh-"

Kat pointed at him and shouted, "You're a **sinner**!"

Stan did the same. "You're doing unnatural things in the House of God!"

"Oh-uh-uh-" He fell to his knees and prayed up to the ceiling. "Oh, forgive me, Heavenly Father! I have sinned against you!"

"Oh, this guy is **so** gonna burn!" Cartman shouted in anger.

"Mrs. Richardson is a temptress from Hell!" The Father continued.

"Dude, if this guy's going to Hell, who's gonna save us?" Stan asked.

Cartman replied, "Well, it looks like we'll have to save Timmy, Kyle and everyone else in this town from the angry hand of God ourselves!"

* * *

On the corner of a street in town, Cartman dressed up and stood on a crate as children gathered around him. "We have ah-repeatedly broken God's commandants!" Stan passed around pamphlets for their church as he preached. "We have lived our lives for ourselves-ah! Totally ignoring the laws-ah!" Pedestrians stopped and gathered to see what the hell was going on. "If thy hand offend thee, cut it off! It is much better for thee to enter-"

"Oh, what the hell are they doing now?" Randy questioned as he and his wife and their friends watched.

Ellen walked over and asked, "Hey, what's up?"

"Our kids, apparently," Sharon replied and gestured towards them.

Ellen looked over to see Cartman preaching to the children. "Into fire that will never be quenched-ah!"

She spotted her daughter dressed up in a sheet that was supposed to be robes and a nun's hat. She gaped in horror. "Oh- dear god, no..."

Sister Anne walked over to see the commotion and sighed. "Oh no."

"There is only one answer! As kids, we must abandon this town of sin and start anew!" More kids ran away from their parents to join the growing crowd. "It will be a long road, but at the end of that road is salvation, and I am going to lead you there!"

To be continued...

A man sat in the dark, staring at a television screen. The news was on and a reporter stood in front of a group of kids staring up at a fat kid on a crate. "Tom, I'm here in South Park, Colorado, and apparently the children of this town have take it upon themselves to save them from the eternal Hell Fire of the afterlife. With me is one of the kids who started this revelation. What's your name?"

The held down the microphone to a girl dressed in robes looking like a nun. "My name is Sister Katherine. We were horrified and pissed off to discover that sin had tainted our only holy place in this town- our church. The Father was performing sexual intercourse in the confessional and we could no longer follow a man doomed to Hell. We will now follow Father Eric Cartman to the promise land."

The camera lifted back up to focus on the reporter. "There you have it, Tom. No one seems safe from sin, but perhaps these innocent youths might stand a chance in their own church."

The man chuckled. "Hello, Katherine... I'll be seeing you soon."

* * *

A/N: Did I mention I have a YouTube channel? Silly me :3 Well why not check me out for a video or two? Thanks friends :3


	13. Revelations Two

Previously on South Park...

"Today, we're going to talk about **Hell**!"

"Us Jews don't believe in Hell."

"But what if we're wrong!?"

"Let's go!" Kenny was hit by a bus.

"They killed Kenny!"

"He had sins the he didn't confess!"

"Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!"

"We can't let Timmy go to Hell just because he's retarded! We gotta save him!"

"Fonz, there is no way you can jump that shark with your water-skis!"

"Ay, I've gotta try, Richie!"

Cartman opened the confessional to reveal the Father fucking a woman inside.

"Dude, if this guy's going to Hell, who's going to save us?"

"Well it looks like we're going to have to save everybody in this town ourselves!"

"Hello, Katherine... I'll see you soon."

* * *

It was the start of a new day in South Park. At the start of school, kids refused to go to class and gathered at the play ground. Cartman was at the front, standing on a platform as he preached to them. "I am saying this because we must be saved-ah! The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting Hell-ah! If you do not love your life for him-a! Then to the Lake of Fire you shall go-ah!"

"Cracker? Cracker?" Sister Katherine dragged around her robe of bed sheet, carrying a tray of Ritz Crackers for kids to eat. "Cracker for your sins?"

Principal Victoria escorted all the parents outside to show them the scene. "You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come in to class since this morning!" The parents were shocked to see Cartman preaching to the other children about the bible. "I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman. Apparently he's read the entire bible and now he's scaring the Hell out of everyone!"

"Poopie-kins!" Liane called out nicely. "It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie."

Cartman stopped preaching and Stan and Kyle joined him on the platform holding their own bibles. "Don't you guys, um... Persercrute our religious beliefs!" Stan called back.

"Yeah!" All the children said together.

Sharon stepped forward and tried to explain, "We're not trying to persecute you, kids. But you're supposed to be in school!"

"What purpose does school have?" Kat questioned. "The bible says the only goal in this life is to praise God and got into Heaven. Cracker?"

She held the tray up to them and Randy ate one. "Yeah!" Kyle added, "This life is short, the Afterlife is forever!"

The mass of children stared up at them in awe and fear. The principal raised her hands and tried to calm them. "Don't listen to them, kids, you have to go to school."

"Many of you know Kenny McCormick," Cartman said and gain the crowd's attention again. "He was a playful, school-going eight-year-old. And then yesterday... He was smacked down by the Lord-ah! God bitch slapped him right to the fiery depths of Hell-ah! So when will you go? Tomorrow, ten years? Does it matter? No! Because unless you give this life to the Lord, that life belongs to Satan!" The mass of children gasped.

"Wine? Wine?" Kat now carried around a try of Dixie cups.

Clyde glanced at the cups and asked, "Is that actually wine?"

"It's Kool-Aid," she replied. She offered him a cup. "Blood of Christ for your sins?" He and Bebe both took cups.

The parents were disheartened. Then a voice called out, "Katherine! _Katherine!_"

Everyone stopped and the kids and parents turned to see Ellen running towards them looking frantic. "Ms. Schumer!" The principal was relieved to have her there. "The children refuse to come to class. Could you-?"

"Katherine!" Ellen ran passed the parents and the kids made way for the frenzied mom.

She slid on her knees up to her daughter and Kat blinked at her. "Mom?"

Kat turned worried when her mom put her hands on her shoulders. "Katherine, _please_, you have to stop this!"

"You look a little disheveled," she commented. It was unnerving to see her like this. Her mother was always calm and collected and, well, sane. She didn't look any of those things right now.

"Katherine, you have to listen to me," she got close to her face and Kat tried to lean away. "If you and your friends keep this up and draw a big mass then there is **no** going back. Please, you have to stop this game!"

"It's not a game!" Kat defended. "If we don't pledge our lives to the Lord then we'll forever burn!"

"Right- whatever, fine." Ellen waved that away and Kat stared at her bizarrely. "Then you **have **to move this show over to the church. It needs to be contained- do you understand? **Contained.**"

"We cannot worship God in that church where the Priest of Sin resides!" Cartman cut in and they looked up at him. "So we will build a new church!" Kyle dragged over a tripod frame holding a picture of an extravagant white and gold building. "With crystal walls, a ceiling eighty-feet high, and a slide that connects this part myah to this part mhya. Who will help us!?"

"I will!" All the children replied.

"You can't do that!" Ellen tried to explain desperately. "You have to use a building that is approved by the MIB!"

"MIB?" Stan questioned.

"You **have **to use the church!" Ellen repeated.

"But we caught the Priest having sex in the church!" Kat argued. "We can't go back there because we'll be caught with his sin."

Ellen sighed with aggravation and pinched the bridge of her nose. "All right, fine." She then held her daughters face and said, "Katherine, I promise I will protect you." Ellen then stood and ran off.

Kat blinked after her and Kyle walked up next to her. "What's up with your mom?"

"The fuck if I know."

* * *

Ellen huffed and puffed as she ran back home. She sprinted down into the basement. The basement was cluttered with boxes of junk, dusty shelves with useless trinkets and old books. Ellen frantically kicked and pushed aside boxes until she reached the table in the back. She pulled off the dusty sheet to reveal... an old flip-phone cellphone. Ellen took a breath to calm herself and picked up the cellphone. She opened it up and pulled off a part of it. It was an earpiece that she stuck in her hear. She dialed a numbed and stared down at the screen. "Come in Command. This is Agent E."

The screen turned on and showed an old balding man with an auburn goatee. He face was grim. "Agent E, I thought you were on vacation."

"Yes, I know," she replied. "But I'm afraid it's urgent."

"Very well, report."

"I've been relocated to South Park," she explained. "We have a church, but the Priest was caught fucking some woman in the confessional."

The commander cocked an eyebrow. "And?"

"He was caught by children, sir. And now the children of this town are massing and spouting religious crap."

"Are they gaining attention?"

"Yes."

The commander frowned at her. "And is your daughter involved?"

Ellen closed her eyes and sighed. "Yes, sir... I'm afraid she's acting like a nun."

He hummed as his eyes turned to the ground. "This is dangerous. Can you keep them contained in the town church?"

"I'm afraid that they refuse to go back there," she replied. "Since they caught the Priest sinning they-" she paused and glanced up as she heard knocking. "Um, excuse me, commander. I must answer the door."

"Very well, make it quick."

Ellen set down the phone and earpiece and ran back up the stairs. She stopped at the door, smoothed her hair and clothes out, and then opened the door. She smiled, "Oh, hey, Randy."

"Hey..." He gave a small wave. She raised an eyebrow at him as he glanced around nervously, his hands fiddling together. "So... What's up?"

"Uh... Nothing much?" She shrugged. "I was actually on a phone call... Um, do you-"

"I'm usually the parent who..." He mumbled out and glanced at her.

She stared at him confused. "... Um, I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I'm- I'm usually the parent who's... Involved with the adventures..."

Ellen stared at him hopelessly confused. "Randy... The fuck are you talking about?"

"Well, I mean," he rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm the one who's abducted by aliens, you know, leading the town into war, involved with boy bands and the latest the kids are into- like shitty music..."

"Wait- wait, wait. You're... Here right now because you're getting jealous over my involvement with what the kids are doing?" She questioned incredulously.

"Well..." He rubbed the back of his head again. "Usually I would be the one with secrets and back-story and stuff..."

Ellen held her head looking like she was in pain. "Randy... Just... Piss off!" She shouted. "You have no idea what kind of danger our kids are in right now. We either have to get them into the MIB approved church or we have to get them to quit massing together to preach about God and religion!"

"See, that's what I'm talking about," he rubbed his arm bashfully. "I just, you know, wanna know... What's up?"

Ellen stared at him for a moment. "You know what, I don't have time for your idiocy. Just- follow me I guess." Randy grinned happily and followed her back down into the basement. "Just shut the fuck up, all right?" She picked her phone back up and put the earpiece back on. "Sorry, commander." The commander watched with wonder as he saw Randy's grinning face slowly come up from over her shoulder. "As I was saying-"

"Agent E... Who is that behind you?" He asked.

Ellen glanced over, seeing Randy right on her side. "Dammit, Randy!" She shouted. "Get back!"

"Hey, who is that?" He asked excitedly. "Are you with the CIA?"

"No, we're not," she replied annoyed.

"Oh-oh-FBI then?"

The commander wasn't amused either. "No. We are MIB."

"MIB?" Randy was bouncing in excitement. "What is that? What does that mean?"

"Goddammit," she turned back to her commander apologetically. "Apologies, commander. Randy Marsh here is... Sort of the village idiot."

Randy frowned at her. "Hey..."

"Randy Marsh?" The commanders interest was piqued at the name. "Randy Marsh from South Park..." He was thoughtful.

"What is it?" Randy asked. "What about my name? Have you heard of me? Ellen, Ellen, what about me?"

"Fucks sake," Ellen muttered and set her earpiece down. She set the phone to speaker so he wasn't cuddled up to her ear. "You're on speaker, commander. Have you heard of Randy Marsh from South Park before?"

The commander was busy. They could only see a view of his shoulders up, but he seemed to be typing away at a computer. "It shows in our database that Randy Marsh is one of the frequent abductees of the Visitors."

Ellen sighed and rolled her eyes. "Right."

"Visitors?" Randy questioned. "The aliens that probe us?"

"Yes," Ellen replied. She eyed him sideways. "Calm the fuck down or Ellen's going to choke a bitch." Randy's grin went away and he backed away a little, calming down. "The alien race that visits this mountain town calls themselves Visitors. There are many alien races."

"Okay, so how does the MIB tie into the kids' latest fad?" Randy asked.

"This is a job for Agent F," Commander said.

"I agree," Ellen replied.

"Agent F?" Randy asked. "Who's that?"

"That would be me." They turned around and Ellen lifted her communication device to let Commander see as well. Morgan Freeman stepped out of the shadows and with his beautiful voice he explained, "MIB, or Men In Black, deal with aliens. They are peacekeepers of the universe, maintaining balance between all forms of life throughout the galaxy."

"Gaaaahh...!" Randy's jaw slowly dropped in shock. "Ellen," he whispered, "Ellen, Ellen, that's Morgan Freeman...!"

"Shh."

"It's been a long time, Agent E," Morgan said.

She nodded in return. "It has. Feels almost too long."

"Whaaaaa...!?" Randy looked between the two of them flabbergasted. "Ellen, you know Morgan Freeman!?"

"When working in MIB you always work in pairs," she explained. "Agent F and I were partners since we joined the agency in our teenage years."

"Allow me to explain," Morgan said, and in his beautiful voice he continued. "Twelve years ago, Agent E and I were on a mission to welcome an alien species into the system. They were drawn to Earth by a compelling force thousands of years ago. You see, religion, and the humans' sheer belief in it called out to this race like a beacon. The aliens came from above and were worshiped, for they live for many, many years, and were mistaken for immortal angels. They resided on this planet until God came down and kicked them out, telling them to go home. Then, thousands of years later, MIB came in contact with them. They sent a few of their kind to greet us, and that is when Agent E met him."

"Him?" With how much interest Randy was taking in the story he desperately needed popcorn. "Whose him?"

"That would be her ex-husband." Randy gasped and stared at her. Commander in the phone glanced over at her as well. Ellen only stared down at the ground, almost in shame. "The race of aliens are known as Zandra. She fell in love with the Zandrian named... Rynza."

Randy gasped again and grasped at his hair. "Not Rynza!" Ellen shot him an annoyed look.

"Together they had a child who you know as Katherine," Morgan continued. "Since she was born, aliens had taken a keen interest in her, such as the Visitors as well as the Xartan. Humans are mortal, and Zandra are, essentially, immortal. A half-breed of the two races was unheard of. We thought it would mean peace between the two races, but then disaster happened."

Randy gasped again and the Commander glanced at him annoyed as well. "Oh no- the disaster!"

"While the Zandra returned to their home planet, Rynza remained on Earth. Remaining here drove him to madness."

"It was religion," Ellen explained. "Rynza insisted that we go to church on Sundays. We were labeled as Christian because of him. I only realized too late that he was feeding off of the prayers and belief of the people gathered in church. The idea of him being a deity made him drunk off of his own power. He went rouge, and now the MIB are trying to bring him in. I told my daughter the half truth: that he got into a divorce because he was an alcoholic and got addicted to pain killers, creating an illusion that he's the Lamb of God."

"Little elaborate," Randy commented.

"The MIB is very elaborate," the Commander replied. "We have to be."

"All over the world MIB has seen to the construction of churches," Morgan continued to explain. "As long as the masses gather in the structure build by the MIB then their prayers will not reach the Zandra. Now as the children in this town gather, they risk luring Rynza here." A freckle appeared on his cheek, joining his many other freckles, and he disappeared back into the shadows.

"There you have it," Ellen said to Randy. "South Park is in danger. If Rynza gets here then I can't even predict the damage he'll do, not to mention he'll kidnap my daughter."

"Right, right," he nodded, "So, since I know about all of this now, can I join the MIB?"

"Oh, no," the Commander replied. "No, of course not." Randy frowned. "You don't qualify at all for this. In fact, Ellen, I'll send more Agents to your location to help you prepare if Rynza does show up. Do what you can for now. And take care of this buffoon."

"Yes, sir." Ellen hung up the phone.

Randy chuckled nervously. "What does he mean by take care of me?" He asked and Ellen put sunglasses on. He frowned. "E-Ellen?" She pulled out a neutralizer and flashed him.

* * *

Stan, Kat, Kyle and Cartman stood together to gaze upon their new church. It was a mountain of crap and random parts nailed together, but it was theirs. "It is beautiful," Cartman said. "Thine church is almost completeth."

"There's no way God would want to send us to Hell now!" Stan said happily.

"Yeah," Kyle agreed. "This church kicks a-it-kicks- it kicks."

"Hello, boys!"

Kat's smile suddenly turned into a glare. "Hey!"

They all turned around to see Kyle's parents come up to them. "Don't try to take me away again, mom and dad!" Kyle said, all of them frowning at them threateningly. "I told you, I renounced the Jewish faith!"

"It's not that, Kyle," Sheila replied. "It's just that Eric's mother needs to see you all right away." They glanced at each other suspiciously. "Just really quick, she says it's very important."

"Very well," Cartman replied. "Yea, guys, let us walk to mine home and see what mine mom wants."

The four of them left the other kids to the building of their new church as they made their way to Cartman's house. They walked through the front door and were surprised. The house was covered in toys, Terrance and Phillip played on the television and they could smell goodies being baked. They looked around as they slowly made their way inside. "Hello, kiddies!" Ms. Cartman came out with a plate with a stack of pancakes and powdered donuts. "I made you all powdered-doughnut pancake surprise!"

"Wow, cool!" Kat and Stan said happily.

"No! It is a trick!" Cartman yelled. He pointed at his mother, "Do not vex me, oh temptress!"

She blinked at him. "What?"

"This is a distraction from our work on the church!" He accused. "Do not think that you can tempt us with toys..." He snagged a doughnut and munched on it. "And games..." Crumbs fell to the ground as his face was covered in white powder. "And tidings of powdered-doughnut pancake surprise! For it is Afterlife we concern ourselves with!" He quickly finished off his doughnut. "Not the pleasures on this Earth! But salvation in the world after!"

Kat put her fist up. "Yeah!"

"Oh, well, alrighty then." She set the plate on the couch and left to the kitchen.

"Let us get back to our work at the church," Kat said.

"I agree, sister Katherine," Cartman said, and then the phone rang. "Yea, I shall answer the phone-na." He answered it, "Hello?" They watched him for a moment and his jaw dropped. "Oh my God!"

"What?" Stan asked.

"It's Kenny, he's calling from beyond the grave!" He replied.

"It's Kenny!?" Kat questioned and they swarmed him.

"Ask him what Hell is like!" Kyle said.

Cartman brought the phone to his hear again. "Kenny, you have to tell us about Hell! Give us every last horrible detail!"

* * *

"[Um...]" Kenny looked around at the dirty run down city the bus dropped him off at with Hispanics walking around. "[... They don't speak English.]"

* * *

They next day their church was complete. Kat walked around in her robes passing out crackers while Stan and Kyle sat to the side. Cartman paced back and forth on the platform in front of the mass of kids. "Friends, I have to tell you that last night, I received a phone call from beyond the grave..." They all gasped. One kid dropped his cracker and Kat glared at him. He jumped in fright and quickly snagged it back up to eat it. "It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell! And he described what Hell is like in horrid detail! He said that in Hell, the smell is awful! He said that in Hell, everyone speaks Spanish!" The children gasped again and one kid spilled his cup of Kool-Aid. Kat gave him a death glare and he yelped, dropping to the floor to clean it with his shirt. "He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it, you pee blood out your ass for seven hours!"

"No!" The children exclaimed.

"And perhaps worst of all, in Hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores. But they all have the same little trinkets in them!" They all gasped again. One little girl feinted and fell out of her seat.

"Where is our daughter!?" A man and his wife entered the church looking angry.

Heidi stepped out of the pews to face them confused. "Dad?"

"Heidi, you are coming home this instant!" Her father demanded.

Kat jumped in front of Heidi to protect her from her parents. "We are saving your daughter from the clutches of Hell, sir!" Cartman preached.

"You're not going to make my daughter part of your cult!" Heidi's father shouted back.

"The little fat one speaks the truth..." Everyone was confused at the new voice. It was deep and soothing, but with a hint of malice. The kids turned their heads and the parents turned around to come face to face with a very tall man. They gasped at the sight of him. He was over six feet tall and beautiful. His skin was the color of teakwood. He was lean and muscular, with a regal face and black hair flowing down his back. His eyes were honey gold, and he wore a black sleeveless tunic belted at the waist. "But I'm afraid **I** am the only one who can save them."

The parents stared up at him in shock and awe. The kids were speechless as well. Cartman stared at the man. "Um... Who the fuck is that?" He whispered and Stan and Kyle were too busy gawking.

Kat was confused. "Dad?"

"Dad!?" Everyone exclaimed.

"Your dad is _black!?_" Cartman questioned in disbelief.

"I guess." She shrugged at them. "He's my dad, but I remember him looking a little different..." She scratched her head.

"Your daughter is not leaving this place," he said to the parents.

The father shook out of his shock and said, "N-now you listen here, Heidi is **our **child and we will-"

Kat's dad opened his mouth and blasted a pillar of fire out of his mouth. They all dove out of the way while the father was burnt to a crisp. He closed his mouth again and Heidi's dad was nothing but a pile of ashes. As everyone stared in terror, Heidi's mother squeaked out, "Stephen...?"

Fiery wings exploded out of Kat's dads back. "I am Rynza, Angel of Fire."

Everyone continued to stare in silent terror. Cartman frowned down at Kat pissed off and said, "Great, Kat's black dad comes to crash the party. Wha!" He shouted in fright as Rynza flew over to him.

He landed beside him and his wings disappeared. "Fat one, are you the Priest of this church?"

"Uh..." Cartman stared at him dumbly in fear.

Kyle got angry and hissed, "Cartman!"

"Uh-uh, yeah..."

"Then continue your prayers." Rynza sat back and waited.

"Uh..." Cartman turned back to the mass. Everyone glanced at each other, wondering what to do and afraid to do anything. Cartman snapped back into the groove though and preached, "Heavenly Father, do not send us to Hell. Do not let this Angel of Fire- who is Kat's lame dad- burn us alive. We're sorry. Whatever we did, we're sorry."

* * *

"Randy. Randy, wake up."

"Wha...?" Randy slowly opened his eyes, seeing Ellen hover over him. "Ellen...?"

"Randy, get the fuck up." She slapped him across the face.

"Agh!" Randy was startled awake. He sat up and held his cheek, looking around her home. "What's going on? Why am I at your house? Oh, geez, we didn't have sex, did we?"

"What? No!"

"Oh." He was crestfallen and she rolled her eyes. "Then what happened?"

Ellen sighed heavily and droned out, "You had the amazing idea to go tell the other parents that we should get Jesus to intervene when suddenly you feinted from dehydration after you helped me move the couch like a man."

"Oh..." He thought about it for a moment and then lit up. "Oh- I did! That's right! I totally remember now!" Ellen only rolled her eyes. "Well, come on, Ellen! We gotta find the other parents and Sister Anne!" He ran out the door and she went after him.

* * *

Rynza sat and the back and watched with a please smile as Cartman did his work. "Today all sinners are going to be saved-ah! What is your name!?"

He held the microphone to a girl with braces. "Uh, Sarah..."

"Sarah, do you believe in God-ah!?"

"Yes!"

"Do you want to be saved from Hell-ah!?"

"Yes!"

Kyle and Stan made their way over to the backroom and slipped behind the curtain. Kat was standing in the room staring at the ground in confusion. "Kat?" Kyle and Stan walked up to her. "What the heck is going on?"

"I-I don't know!" She replied helplessly. "I mean- that's my **dad **out there."

"The alcoholic whose hopped up on pain pills thinking he's the Lamb of God?" Stan questioned.

"Yes!"

"You missed the part where he's obviously not a human and can breathe fire and has fire for wings," he added.

She glared at him. "**Thanks, Stan. Got it.**"

"Dude, Kat, that guy is _really _dangerous," Kyle said in worry. "Shouldn't we- like, get your mom? Or the police?"

"Agh..." Kat held her head in pain.

"What's wrong?" Stan asked.

"Seeing him..." She shook her head. "I **know **it's him, but... I don't quite recognize him... Like he's supposed to be different..."

Stan and Kyle glanced at each other. "Well, you are eight," Kyle said. "How young were you when your parents divorced? It might've been when you were just a baby."

"I-I don't remember it," she replied. She gripped her head in pain. "I don't remember when they divorced or... Or much of anything... Ow, ow, ow..."

Stan and Kyle glanced at each other in worry. Together they helped Kat back out and Cartman had the choir going. With his preaching and the miracles he was performing, he got the kids to clap together merrily, forgetting the fire spitting crazed man in the back. "Where are you from, little boy-ah?"

A boy with large glasses that made his eyes bulge replied, "Denver."

"And God is telling me that you have... Bad eyesight, is that it?"

"Yeah, that's right!" The crowd sounded impressed.

"Well God is going to heal those eyes and save you from the Devil be gone-ah!" Cartman slapped his forehead and the boy feinted back. Two choir boys caught him and carried him off. The crowd cheered. "~For he is Lord~ Lord, Lord-Lord!~ Right here we have a little girl who is very, very ugly. Do you believe He's going to cure your face of the uglies!?"

He put the mic in the face of a red headed girl with a big nose. "Yes!"

"He's gonna take that ugly face and make you reasonable to look at- bwap!" He smacked her in the face and she feinted back. "Wr-r-r-r-r!" The force of the holiness made him tremble and stumbled back. "Oh, good Lord, somebody say Amen!"

"Amen!" The crowd shouted.

"Amen!" Kyle and Stan chanted.

"A-amen," Kat mumbled out. She shook out her head and looked around until she spotted her dad, which wasn't hard at all. He looked over at her with his golden honey eyes and winked. It seemed so friendly and informal that it confused her. She barely knew the guy and he was acting like they had a secret joke. "What are we gonna do about him?"

"How should we know?" Stan replied. "The dude can breathe fire. I'd rather not step on his toes."

"Same here," Kyle admitted. "I don't think we can force him out of here. Kat, why don't you talk to him?"

"Me!?" She looked at them bizarrely. "I hardly know the guy!"

"He's your dad, dude," Stan pointed out. "Maybe he cares enough about your opinion?"

She stared at him flatly. "Right, a drug addict drunk is going to listen to a daughter he hardly knows."

"Well we can't do nothing," Kyle said. "He can't stay here. He's going to make everyone uncomfortable and drive them out."

"Well, I'm not sure about that," Kat scoffed. "Cartman is keeping them pretty entertained."

They looked back to see Cartman singing and rolling around on the floor. "~Praise the Lord!~ Praise the Lord!~" He hopped back up on his feet and concentrated. "And now I am receiving a message directly from God-ah! God is telling me... That... Each and every one of you is to walk up to this stage and give me one dollar!" Everyone glanced at each other confused. Cartman pulled up a box with a money sign on it and said, "So, I want everyone to feel the love of God by coming on up here and putting a dollar in the box-ah! Come on, don't be shy, come on-ah!"

"Dude, that seems kind of weird," Stan commented.

"Yeah," Kat agreed. "I don't remember him saying anything about this."

As kids began to get up and file up to the box, Rynza spoke again. "I believe that is enough." Everyone froze and the music went quiet. The massive man stood up and everyone backed away from him.

"Um, excuse me," Cartman said as he walked to the center of the stage. "I'm the Priest here and-" Rynza stepped on the money box and Cartman got pissed. "EY! That is money for the Lord-ah! You cannot-"

He turned and breathed fire at him. Cartman screamed and dove for it, narrowly dodging the flames. The fire caught to the tree the church was built around and kids began to scream. "Your Priest was as false as the first," he said to the children. "I am a true deity. You believe in something that is not there. Instead, believe in me." His wings of fire erupted from his back, causing kids to scream again and other to stare in silent terror. "Believe in me and follow me. As the Angel of Fire we shall burn the world and purge it of sin."

More of the tree house church caught fire and Cartman ran over to his friends. "Dammit, Kat!" he shouted at her. "Your dad is ruining everything!"

Kat blinked and realized he was there. "Cartman- you just swore!"

"Who gives a rats ass!?" He shouted and covered his head as the fire grew. "This was all just a money scam to get my $10 million anyways!"

"What!?" The three of them shouted.

"Not that it matters anymore!" He added. "Since Pussy Kat's alcoholic drug abusing father is **ruining everything!**"

Kat ripped off her nun hat and shouted, "Fuck you, Cartman!"

"You know, next time, tell your dad to at least buy me dinner first and give me time to freshen up, because I like to be taken out before I get **fucked!**"

"Guys!" Kyle shouted and pushed them away from each other. "This place is on _fire! _We need to leave!"

They turned towards the front entrance, but the curtain was on fire and kept the other kids from escaping. Smoke began filling the tree house church and kids began to cough as they huddled in terror from the angel-man. "Where's another exit?" Stan asked over the raging flames.

"There isn't one!" Kat shouted.

"Way to go, Kat!" Cartman shouted sarcastically. "Lord knows I like to get warm and cozy by a fire for when I get **fucked!**"

"You know what? **Fine!**" Kat hoisted up her bed sheet dress. "I'll **fix the fucking problem**!"

"Kat, wait!" Kyle shouted, but she marched right over to her father.

Rynza grinned at the ceiling as he watched it burn. "Yes, pray to me, the God of Fire! We shall burn the world!"

"**HEY!**" He frowned and looked down at his pissed off daughter. She threw her nun hat at him, hitting him in the knee with it, and shouted, "Knock it off!"

"Ah, _Katherine_." He smiled down at her. "My loving half human daughter."

"Quit the bullshit!" She snapped back. "Stop setting the place on fire! You're going to kill us!"

"No, not us, my daughter," he replied. "These human will die in my holy flames, but not us. We will not be harmed by the flames."

"Are you fucking mental!?" She screamed. "Keep pissing me off and I'll kick your ass! I don't care whose dad you are!"

"We shall fly from the ashes of this false sanctuary," he said and turned back to the ceiling, ignoring her. "I, Rynza, God of Fire, and you, my daughter, shall be by my side. You will shed yourself of your human ties and be known as Kaarn, as one of the Zandra. As one of the Gods!"

Kat grinded her teeth. Her fists turned white at her sides. She didn't like being ignored. "Dude," Stan and his friends watched in anticipation. "She's going to pop!"

"I said... Quit the **bullshit!**" As she screamed the word fire shot out of her mouth. The fire shot to his chest and the force knocked him off his feet and slammed into a tree. She closed her mouth and blinked a few times.

Her friends gawked at her. "Dude, what the fuck," Cartman murmured.

There was a sudden white light that came from the front of the church. Everyone turned to see Jesus emerge from that light and stepped into the church. He raised his arms and used his holy powers to push the flames away, smothering them until they went out. "Run now, my children," he said and the kids ran for it.

"Screw this, I'm outta here!" Cartman said and ran.

"Come on, Kyle!" Stan grabbed his arm and pulled.

Kyle refused. "I gotta get Kat!"

"Rynza." Rynza came to his senses and shook his head out. He stood and faced Jesus. Jesus frowned at him. "Rynza, what did I say about this? I told you it wasn't okay to start fires and burn the world to recreate it in your image, didn't I?"

Rynza glared at him while Kat looked incredulously between the two. "Jesus. Where is your father? Is he too proud to face me himself? Or is he a coward?"

"He's actually busy helping Satan through some relationship stuff right now," he replied. "I was asked to come step in and it was fine with Him." He put his hands on his hips and spoke condescendingly. "Now my Father already talked to the Zandrians once about this. Do we really need another talk?"

"No more talking!" Fire wings erupted from his back again. "Fight me, son of God! Let us see who is the true ruler!"

Jesus sighed. "Children, I suggest you leave."

"Yeah, fuck this," Kat said and the three of them ran out.

Jesus took a bottle of HGH from his robe and took a swig. He suddenly exploded to twice his size and was nothing but muscle. He roared and Rynza bellowed fire at him.

* * *

The mass of children gathered outside and watched their burning church, listening to the epic fight inside. "Katherine!" They all turned to see Ellen running towards them with the other adults of the town.

"Mom!" Kat glared at her. "The **fuck **is going on!? Dad's black, breathes fire, and is fighting Jesus!"

Once they caught up Ellen sighed. "Long story, hun."

"I can explain." Morgan Freemen stepped in from the side view.

"Morgan Freeman?" The parents and children muttered and whispered to each other.

Morgan began to explain in his beautiful voice, "There is a race of aliens called the Zandra. Rynza is a Zandrian, and Katherine Schumer is his daughter. The Zandra first visited thousands of years ago when the humans began worshiping deities. The power in human belief in a greater power drew the alien Zanrda to our planet, but God chased them away. Thousands of years later they returned, and the Men in Black established peace with them. The MIB then looked towards the construction of churches all over the world so the power of prayer could not reach the Zandra and lead them here again. However, Rynza stayed here on Earth with Ellen and had a little girl. Katherine is a half human half Zandrian. Ellen tried to keep her safe from her father who was becoming crazed by the power of prayer here on Earth, however, since the children here began praying in mass outside of the MIB approved church, Rynza was led here. And now Katherine knows the truth of her heritage and herself." A sparkle appeared on his cheek and left another freckle.

"Thank you, F," Ellen said and Morgan left.

Kat was dumbfounded. "That... Is... Retarded."

"Wait... What the Hell is going on?" Sharon asked.

"Yeah that makes sense," Randy said to himself, rubbing his chin.

There was the sound of helicopters and they all looked to the skies. Twenty black helicopters flew in and landed, surrounding everyone. "Stay calm!" Ellen instructed. "Please, everyone stay together!"

"Mom!?" Kat ran for her mother as dozens of men in black suits ran out and surrounded them.

"Attention everyone," a man said over a megaphone. "Please direct your attention to the devices in our hands." Ellen put her shades on and placed a pair on Kat's face. The MIB agents flashed their neutralizers and sent everyone into a daze.

The tree house church crumbled and collapsed. Jesus popped out of the debris, tired and covered and soot, and made his way over to the crowd. "He's back in there," he panted. "I suggest you put him in custody." Agents ran back to the wreckage as Jesus addressed the crowd. He cleared his throat and said, "Kids, you all need to stop spending all your time here and go back to school. God doesn't want you to spend all your time being afraid of Hell or praising His name. God wants you to spend your time helping others and living a good, happy life. **That's **how you live for Him."

Kat took off her shades and watched as everyone slowly came out of her daze. "Let's go ice skating!" Bebe suggested and other girls agreed.

"We can help Timmy learn how to ice skate, too," Butters said.

"Yeah!" Other kids followed and the rest of the crowd slowly dispersed.

"Who are these people?" Principal Victoria wondered.

"Did I leave the oven on?" Sheila wondered.

"Hey, Kat." Kat stared at her friends as they approached with a pouty Cartman. "Wanna go play hokey?"

"... No, I'm good. I'll see you later."

"Kay," they walked off.

Kat stood there with her mother for a long moment as everyone left.

* * *

Ellen and Kat sat at the table eating dinner together in silence. Eventually Kat had to break the silence. "So... Secret Agent."

"Yep."

"Banged an alien."

"Yep."

"... I breathe _fire_."

Ellen sighed and set her fork down. "Listen, sweetie... I have a neutralizer. I can wipe your memory and replace it with another is you want. I just figured... One day you'll figure it out, it's just a matter of when."

"No, I get it," she replied. "I just thought... A sit down talk made more sense than watching Jesus fight my alien dad."

"Do you want me to wipe your memory?" She asked.

Kat gave a long sigh. "You know... I've seen a lot of weird stuff since we've moved here. I think I can live with this. Just... Let's never speak of this again." They then both continued eating their dinner in silence.


	14. Fourth Grade

Stan sighed contently with a smile. "Well, here we are, dudes. The first day of Fourth Grade." The five friends stood together in front of their new class door, clearly labeled Fourth Grade.

"Yeah, no more getting pushed around by Fourth Graders," Kyle added.

Suddenly two bigger kids walked over and shoved Stan and Kyle down to the ground. "Get outta my way, you little dorks!" One of them shouted.

Kat glared at them as her friends got back to their feet. "Hey, we're Fourth Graders now, too."

"Yeah, but now we're Fifth Graders," the boy replied, "You stupid Fourth Graders, so move it!"

They pushed them down again and hurried off. "Oh, gay, dude," Kyle said as they got back up again.

"Dude, we gotta find some Third Graders to beat up," Stan said.

Kat spotted a little kid and called, "Hey, you! Kid! Come here!"

The little boy walked over and asked, "What?"

"What grade are you going into?" She asked.

"Third."

"Stupid Third Grader!" Stan shouted.

"Yeah!" Cartman knocked him down. "Get out of here!"

"Ow..." The little boy slowly got up and walked away.

"Yeah, that's better," Cartman smiled.

Kyle then said, "Y'know, I heard our Fourth-Grade teacher is some new lady from Denver."

"Denver?" Stan questioned.

"Dude, we could walk all **over** her," Cartman said and the rest of their class gathered around.

"He's right," Kat agreed. "We have to take a hard stance right now and establish that **we're** the dominant ones in this relationship."

"All right," They turned and faced their friends from last year. Cartman spoke up, "Hey, listen up everybody! We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves. Let's all do something radical."

"Like what?" Clyde asked.

Stan dropped his binder to get their attention and put his hands up. "Like, how about right at 8:35 we all jump on our desk, pull down our pants and shouted 'Kiss my ass' all together!"

"Yeah!" The crowd voiced in agreement.

"That's perfect!" Cartman commented.

"But when we pull our pants down, should we stand front ways or back?" Butters asked. Everyone stared at him. "I mean, do we show our behinds or our wieners?"

Kat sighed and closed her eyes to contain her annoyance. "I think showing our asses will be quite sufficient, Butters."

"Maybe we could stand like this," he turned around and bent over, sticking his finger through his legs, "with our wieners poking through the back of our legs, y'know, give her a nice fruit bowl." He glanced at everyone to gauge reactions.

Kyle was the only one to respond and replied slowly, "Yeah... Or we could just show our asses."

"Okay, so it's decided," Stan said in finality. "When the clock hits 8:35 we all stand on our desks, pull down our pants and yell 'Kiss my ass'!"

Kat dropped her binder as well and raised her fists up. "Together we are strong!"

"Yeah!" Everyone shouted.

The Clyde pointed out, "Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling his pants down."

"We got you covered, Timmy," Stan assured.

"Timmay!"

The bell rang for class and they entered the room. They were in awe of the room. It was bigger with a fish tank and a gerbil in a cage. There were telescopes and sophisticated posters on the walls. "This is our new class room?" Kyle questioned.

"Look at all this stuff," Butters commented.

Cartman hopped up in one of the desks and glared at the tabletop. "Hey, what the Hell's with these little half desks?"

Once everyone took their seat, Kat pointed to the front of the room. "Dude, look at the walls. Everything is written in some strange foreign language." Above the chalkboard hung a long poster of the alphabet written in cursive.

"All right, children, quiet down!" Their teacher walked into her view and Kat shouted in fear. The woman was older, which was fine, but her gigantic tits sagged down past her waist uncontained. "Welcome to the Fourth Grade."

"Holy God, dude," Kyle whispered.

Kenny muffled behind them, "[Her titties are fuckin' huge!]"

Their teacher turned to write her name on the board. "My name is Ms. Choks-on-dik."

"Oh, fuck, dude," Kat slipped out her iPhone from her sweatshirt pocket. "I'm so sharing this with my friends."

Stan leaned over to them and whispered, "More like 'Ms. Makes-me-sick'." Kat gave them a weird look when they laughed at his joke.

Ms. Choksondik turned to them and snapped, "Playtime is over, children, do you understand me!?" They all froze, caught off guard by her forcefulness. "I don't know how your last teacher behaved, but this is the Fourth Grade! And it is time to go to work!"

Cartman chuckled and jumped on his desk. "Kiss my ass!" He pulled down his pants and there was silence. He looked around to see everyone sitting in their desks staring at the teacher. "Oh, weak, you guys, seriously weak."

Ms. Choksondik put her hands on her hips, frowning at him. "Well, young man, I hope you have a good explanation for this."

"Oh, I'm sure I do," he replied, still showing his ass.

"This is the Fourth Grade, you need to grow up!"

"I'm trying," he replied.

"Now get back to your desk and write a thousand-word essay on why you feel you need to disrupt my class."

"Fantastic then." He pulled his pants back up and sat back down.

"Now, let us begin our first day exam." The class sounded in distaste and she shouted, "Silence!"

* * *

Bell rang for the end of school and the fourth grade class slowly filed out. "What a bitch!" Kat shouted.

"And did you see her lazy eye?" Kyle added. "You can't even tell who she's looking at!"

"You guys are all such pussies," Cartman said angrily.

"I can't take it, man!" They stopped and turned to Tweek as he twitched wildly. "Writing in cursive, fractions- I can't do it!"

"This is it," Stan said sadly. "The end of innocence." Everyone looked at him with their brows furrowed up. "This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents warned us about."

"I just didn't think it would come so soon," Kyle said.

Cartman agreed. "Yeah, only now do we realize how much we all took the Third Grade for granted."

Kat raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"

"Everything was great in Third Grade," Cartman continued. "And now that it's all over, we're starting to see just how special it was." Kat glanced around as touching piano music started playing. Cartman then began to sing, "~Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade~ We used to laugh and play and cherish each day- In the Third Grade~ We learned wondrous things from our teacher so nice- sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles~ The world seemed to all make sense~ But that sense seems to slowly fade~ After Third Grade...~ In Third Grade we used to write with crayons- we would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue~ We had warm cookies and hearts full of love~ And there wasn't a care in the world for me- or for you...~ There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade~ Just to go back for one minute... to Third Grade...~"

Everyone was quiet for a moment until Clyde began to cry. "Wow, I had already forgotten how great Third Grade was," Kyle realized.

"Oh, sure was," Butters agreed as he comforted Clyde.

"Wish I was still there," Cartman murmured.

Stan suddenly perked up. "Hey, that's it- we gotta go back to Third Grade."

"How?" Kat asked.

"We travel back in time!"

"Oh, yeah!" Cartman smiled. "Time travel!"

Kat was skeptical. "How are we going to do that?"

"Does it hurt?"Butters asked. "I don't wanna do it if it hurts. Or if it makes you get all sticky."

"It can't be that bad," Stan replied, "People do it on TV all the time."

Kat rolled her eyes. "Well, we have to find somebody who knows how to do it."

"What about those two college guys next door to me?" Kyle suggested. "They're always doing science experiments in their basement."

"Yeah," Stan agreed. "If there's a way to travel back in time those two dorks will know how."

* * *

The group of kids went over to Kyle's neighbors and was let into the basement by the mother. The two college kids were major dorks. They had battleaxes and figurines of aliens with a whole bunch of computer bullshit cluttering the tables. "When it comes to time travel theory," the skinny blonde one said, "There are basically two schools of thought. The "Spock Theory" is that a slingshot around the sun could create a wormhole in which time could not escape. The "Lt. Commander Data Theory", however, is that a magnetic vibration would create a rip in the time-space continuum-"

"Look, whatever it takes," Kat interrupted. "We just have to get back to Third Grade."

"Time travel is no laughing matter," the fat one with awkward facial hair said. "Four times the 'Enterprise' traveled back in time and four times they almost didn't make it back."

"We don't want to make it back," Stan explained. "We want to stay there."

"Ohh."

"So, can you do it?" Kyle asked.

"It's all theoretical," the fat one replied, "but from a scientific standpoint the creation of a rip in space-time _is_ possible. We just need to fine an inertia device."

The blonde eyed Timmy's wheelchair. "Hey... This kid's electric wheelchair might be just what we need."

Timmy furrowed his brows up. "Ti-timmay?

* * *

The next day the kids were in their classroom all wearing safety goggles. The two college guys were in the back with remote controls wearing lab coats. "All right," the blonde said, "When we power the handicapped kid's chair we'll accelerate at a high rate of speed about ten feet that way," he pointed to the front of the class, "then make the required magnetic vibrations."

"If the fields are right," the fat one added, "it should then create a wormhole up near the front of the classroom."

Wendy then spoke up, "You guys don't actually think this is going to work, do you?"

To which Kat replied, "I've seen weirder shit."

The blonde continued. "Now, when you all see the wormhole, you guys are gonna have about 4.2 seconds to run through it."

"And on the other side, you will find yourself in the exact same spot, only one year ago," The fat one finished.

"Back in the Third Grade," Stan said.

"Just once we get there we have to kill ourselves," Kat added. Everyone stared at her. She glanced around. "What? It's that one theory... We're already there and there can only be one copy of us... So we have to kill our third grade selves... Right?" Everyone continued to stare at her. She sighed and glared at her tabletop desk. "Fuck you guys."

"I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time," Kyle said, "and we all tell her to suck our balls!"

Everyone sounded in agreement, "Yeah!"

"Oh, here she comes," Stan whispered.

Ms. Choksondik entered the room. "All right, children, I hope you all did your homework last night," she said, setting a book on her desk. "Please pass your papers up to the front."

She turned to the class and Cartman jumped up on his desk and shouted, "Suck my balls!" He glanced around as everyone simply stared at her in silence. He sighed and grumbled under his breath, "Oh, goddammit, you guys, I'm so seriously." He sat back down in his seat pissed off.

"I said, pass your papers to the front," she repeated forcefully.

"We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makes-me-sick," Cartman replied, mocking her lazy eye. "We didn't **feel** like it!"

"It's Chokesondik!" She snapped. "And you are all going to have detention!"

"Ha, ha, sure right you are, teacher!" Cartman mocked, "I'm afraid we have different plans! Gentlemen?"

The dorks began messing with their controllers. "Primary fusion initiated."

"Molecular grenadine active."

Timmy made a startled sound as his chair began to shake. "What are you doing?" Ms. Choksondik demanded.

"We're going back in time to the Third Grade," Cartman replied. "Good-bye, teacher, perhaps we shall see you in another year."

One of the nerds pressed a button and Timmy shot off like a rocket, "TIMAAAAYY!" He burst through the wall and continued on outside, "TIMMAAAAAAY!" Ms. Choksondik turned and they all stared and watched as Timmy turned right and disappeared into the snowy hills.

"I didn't think it would work," the blonde dork said.

"Me neither," his friend agreed.

"Well, well, well," Ms. Choksondik turned back to the kids accusingly. "I'd say somebody has some explaining to do."

"You're damn right they do!" Cartman shouted as he glared at the college guys.

"Dude, Timmy's chair's packed with all that stuff," Kyle said in worry. "We gotta help him!"

"Yeah, come on!" Kat shouted and got out of her chair.

Everyone else left with her out the gaping hole in the wall and their teacher called after them, "Children- children, come back here!"

* * *

Timmy yelled as his wheelchair drove down the busy street. Kat and her friends ran down the sidewalk after him. "Timmy, you have to stop!" She called.

"No!" The blonde guy shouted after them.

"No?" Stan questioned and they stopped.

The college guys caught up to them. "Look, the system malfunctioned," he explained. "If he stopped, the nuclear core could break his magnetic field and the whole chair will blow sky-high."

"What!? Timmy!" Kyle shouted. "You gotta get off that chair!"

"No!" The fat guy exclaimed.

"No!?" Kat questioned annoyed.

"We rigged the chair to be sensitive to his weight," he explained. "If he gets off the whole thing blows."

"Goddammit," Kat pinched the bridge of her nose. "So if Timmy drops his speed below five miles an hour the chair blows and if he gets off the chair blows?"

They replied, "Yep."

Stan turned to the camera as it zoomed in on his face. "My god."

It panned back out when Kat screamed at the college guys, "You two are a couple of fucking morons! Seriously!? There's no rhyme or reason for the explosive triggers! Agh!" She ran off after Timmy and they followed her.

They ran to the television store and each television in the window was showing the news. The anchorman reported, "The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion and so the SWAT team will now attempt to disarm the device." It showed the footage of Timmy zipping down the road at a slow pace, passing by a crowd that gathered to support him, and a SWAT member suspended by a helicopter lowered down to him. Timmy accidentally picked up a woman along the way and the SWAT man asked, "What's the battery life at?"

"Oh my god!" She screamed. "Less than twenty minutes!"

"Less than twenty minutes?" Kat echoed.

"Oh, no, what have we done?" Kyle asked in a panic.

* * *

Kat, Kyle, Stan and Cartman stood at the side of the road, watching as Timmy slowly came towards them with a frantic woman in his lap. The two college dorks were busy being interviewed by a news guy. "You got this, Timmy!" Kat shouted encouragingly as he drove by.

"HELP ME!" Timmy managed to shout pleadingly. "PLEASE, HELP ME!"

A SWAT vehicle drove by with Kenny. Kenny was suited up in SWAT gear, prepared to help Timmy and try to disarm the device. Kenny was strapped down to a wheel board and was released. He rolled towards Timmy, and then rolled past Timmy. "[Hey guys!]" He said happily as he rolled by them.

They watched him as he hit a pothole and flipped over to his front. The cord attached to the SWAT vehicle pulled and Kenny gave a muffled scream as he was dragged on his face across the pavement. His friends watched as he was dragged back to them in a shaved and bloody mess, to which Kat replied, "Well, who didn't see that coming."

"Just in!" The news reporter reported. "There's ten seconds left on the bomb!"

"Nine," Stan murmured as they watched in worry. "Eight..."

"Please help me," Timmy said to the SWAT man messing with the bomb. "Please, help me."

"Up! Up!" The helicopter flew away and time was up.

"Three," Kat shut one eye tight, using the other to watch. "Two..."

Timmy speed up and in a flash of light he disappeared. Their jaws dropped. The blonde nerd smiled, "Hey, it did work."

* * *

Majority of the Fourth Grade class went back down into Kyle's neighbor's basement. Half the shit was missing and it was just the blonde guy playing with chemicals in beakers. "Dude, you gotta build us another time machine," Stan said.

"Huh?" He looked up at them. "Oh. Can't."

"What do you mean 'can't'?" Kyle asked incredulously. "You made it work, just build another one!"

"I can't because pizza-face isn't here," he explained. "We're not on speaking terms. We got in a big fight and he moved all his stuff out."

"What did you get in a fight about?" Stan asked.

He sighed and set his beakers on the table. "There's 73 original "Star Treks"- he keeps saying there's 72!"

Kat glared at him. "Oh, Jesus Christ, you've gotta be kidding me."

"No, he _actually _thinks there's 72."

"Look, can't you just build us another machine without him?" Cartman asked.

"No, Pizza-face took all his equipment home to his mom's," he replied. "Now if you can go over there and get him to admit that he's wrong..."

Stan sighed and rolled his eyes. "All right, come on, guys." They filed out of the basement and up the stairs. "Man, I can't believe we have to do this while Timmy's already back in time," he grumbled.

"Yeah, Timmy's probably back in Third Grade right now living it up," Kyle added bitterly.

* * *

The eight kids walked over to 'Pizza-face's house and Kat knocked on the door. "Goddammit," she mumbled angrily and her friends glanced at her. "This is ridiculous."

Pizza-face answered the door. "What?"

"Dude, can you _please_ just stop fighting with your friend and build another machine so we can travel back in time to the Third Grade?" Stan asked.

"Look, there aren't 73 episodes of Star Trek, there are 72!" He said firmly. "'The Menagerie' was a two-parter that counts as one episode. Pizza-face is wrong!"

"Who the Hell _cares_?" Cartman questioned in exasperation.

"I know!" Pizza-face replied. "Why does he have to be such a dick about it!?"

"Wouldn't it be better to just agree with him and just forget the whole thing?" Kyle asked.

"No, because he's wrong!"

"Look, you guys built a machine together that can bend time," he continued. "If you'll just agree with him, you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science!"

"And live in a world of 73 original Star Treks?" He questioned. "I don't think so. I don't want to live in that world."

He shut the door in their faces and Kat screamed, "FUCKING BITE ME!" Fire flickered out of her mouth, surprising the lot of them.

"We're just going to ignore that for now," Kyle said as he pulled her back away from the door.

Cartman was more concerned with the problem than the fire. "**God**, these guys are such geek dumb-asses!"

"I know," Stan agreed. He glanced over at Kat on occasion. Kyle stared at him and just shook his head as Kat seethed.

"Yeah, they don't even realize that 'The Menagerie' originally was the pilot and later got split up into two episodes." Butters chuckled and everyone stared at him. "Those dumb-asses."

"Wait a minute, I got it!" Stan knocked on the door and Pizza-face answered it again.

"What?"

"Dude, if you guys build another time machine, you can travel back in time and ask the creator of Star Trek how many episodes there were!"

He stared down at Stan. "... Dear Jesus, you're right."

* * *

The hole in the wall was boarded up and marked off with caution tape. Ms. Choksondik entered the classroom, ignoring the mess, and set her books on the desk. "All right, children, I hope you all did your-" she turned to the children and stopped short. Everyone was wearing goggles again and the two college guys were back. There was now a microwave with a duck taped to it. "What is going on now?" She asked and kittens swarmed in the room to paw at her sagging tits.

Cartman jumped up on his desk and shouted "Ha, ha, teacher, we're traveling back in time to the Third Grade- goddammit, you guys, you seriously said this time you'd stand up and do it with me," he grumbled and sat back down.

Ms. Choksondik sighed and pressed her fingers to her temples. "Oh, good gravy, not this again."

Cartman continued in his seat, "Yes, we had a new time machine built, this one out of a simple microwave oven and a duck!" The duck quaked. "Au revoir, teacher, perhaps we shall see you in the past, ha ha. Gentlemen?"

The college guys began their button pressing. Ms. Choksondik demanded, "Children, I will have order!"

"I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to tell you how **wrong** you are!" Blonde Pizza-face said to fat Pizza-face. "Just like when you said there were no two-parters of 'Battlestar Galactica'."

"There weren't'!"

"The episode called 'Guys on Ice Planet Zero' was a two-parter!"

"No it wasn't!"

Kat sighed. "Oh, son of a bitch."

The two Pizza-faces began a slap fight. "I'll kill you!"

One of them dropped a remote and the microwave set off to send them to 1999. The duck quaked and suddenly was engulfed by a void of light. "There is it!" Cartman exclaimed. "Come on, everybody!"

"Children, get back in your seats!" Ms. Choksondik demanded as they all got out of their seats.

"No way, lady!"

"Eric, I mean it!"

"You can suck my balls!"

Ms. Choksondik closed her eyes, reached deep inside herself, and made use of the teachings Mr. Garrison gave her. "Present them."

Everyone stopped and stared at her with gaping mouths. Even the college guys stopped fighting. "What?" Cartman asked.

"You said 'suck my balls'. Well, go ahead, whip 'em out and I'll suck 'em."

"That... That's what Mr. Garrison would've said," Stan said in awe.

"Touché, teacher," Cartman replied to her humbly. "Touché."

"Now, children, listen to me. Why do you want to go back in time?" She asked. "Life isn't about going back, it's about going forward. Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive, but if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again? The adventure of life is that there's always something new- new challenged, new experiences. A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes. So it is with life. Do you understand?"

"Dude... She's right," Stan realized.

"Yeah, and you know," Kyle added, "Now that I think about it, Third Grade wasn't all that great either."

"Yeah, Third Grade sucked!" Kat glared at Cartman. "Cartman, why the Hell did you try to make us all think Third Grade was so great!?"

"Yeah, you suck, Cartman!" Kyle shouted and they all took off their goggles and went back to their desks.

Cartman looked around confused. "What!?"

"All right, students, that will be quite enough," Ms. Choksondik said. "If you're ready, let's continue on with the Fourth Grade."

She turned around to write her name on the wall again and Timmy's voice called out, "TIMMAY!"

He suddenly came through the time hole dressed as a pirate with a medieval mace and a baby dinosaur and Napoleon's hat. "Hey, Timmy's back!" Kyle said happily.

"Dude, it looks like he's been all over time," Kat commented.

"He must have such cool stuff to tell us!" Stan added.

"Ti-Timmay."

* * *

A/N: Hey, friends! Inuyasha: Secret of the Wisteria is finished and I've started another story: One-Kick Woman! Check them out!


	15. Trapper Keeper

Stan, Kat and Kenny stood at the bus stop waiting for the bus to show up. Kat glanced over at Kenny and asked, "So, Ken, how ya feelin'?"

"[Eh, I'm fine. Little sore from getting dragged on the road and dying.]"

Stan furrowed his brows up and looked over. "Wait, what?"

"Hey, guys!" Kyle walked up to them with his little brother Ike who was dressed in a nice suit.

"Dude, what's your little brother doing here?" Stan asked.

"Ike is starting his first day of Kindergarten," he replied.

Kat raised an eyebrow. "Isn't he only three years old?"

"Yeah, but he's some kind of genius," he explained, "so he's getting advanced placement in Kindergarten."

To which Ike responded, "I pooped my pants."

"Real Einstein," Kat commented. Ike flipped her off and she blinked.

"Guys, check out my new Trapper Keeper!" Kyle moved Ike aside and showed off his fancy folder with a picture of Dawson's Creek. "It has five different compartments for each subject in school and it's all covered with pictures from Dawson's Creek!"

Both Stan and Kat replied, "Cool!"

"Hey, dudes," Cartman then walked into the scene with his own purple folder. "Check out my sweet Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Ultra-Keeper Futura 2000." He showed it off and they all just stared at him, Kyle glaring. Cartman continued undaunted by their lack of enthusiasm, "Yeah, well, it's got ten different compartments for every subject in school, electronic pencil sharpener, four plastic bags with electronic zippers, copy machine, fax, a better picture of Dawson's Creek on the back than Kyle's, flat screen TV and, of course, OnStar."

Both Stan and Kenny furrowed their brows up impressed. "Wow, cool."

Kat only stared at Cartman's Trapper Keeper with disinterest. "Nope."

Stan glanced at her. "Come on, Kat, you have to admit it's a _little_ cool."

She glared at him and replied, "I refused to think anything that Cartman has is cool."

"Goddammit, Cartman!" Kyle shouted. "You only got that because you knew my mom wouldn't buy it for me!"

Cartman looked at him innocently. "Oh, but you have a Trapper Keep- Oh," he frowned sympathetically. "You got the little 'Crapper Keeper', didn't you? Well, at least your stupid brother got a briefcase."

"He's going to kindergarten because he's a genius," Kyle snapped back.

"He's not a genius, he's a little douche bag," he replied.

"I pooped my pants!" Ike shouted again.

"He's smarter than you, fat boy," Kat replied and Cartman glared at her. She shrugged and replied genuinely confused, "I don't even know how you made it to the Fourth Grade."

"Yeah!" Kyle added. "Especially after all the-"

"Trapper Keeper," Cartman interrupted, addressing his fancy folder. "I need to drown out my annoying friends, please initiate music: Country, high volume." Twangy country music began to play loudly and he danced along with a grin on his face.

Kat glared at him. She could literally breathe fire and burn his Trapper Keeper. "Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!" Kyle shouted over the music.

Ms. Crabtree pulled up with the bus and Cartman turned off his music as they got on. Kyle and Stan sat together with Ike on a seat while Cartman sat with Kenny. Kat was about to sit across from them, but stopped and stared at a grown man who was taking up most of the seat. He was white, as most people were in South Park, dirty looking and wearing a trench coat. He was staring back at her. Yeah, fuck this. Kat turned to the front of the bus and called, "Ms. Crabtree! There's another creepy homeless guy on the bus."

Ms. Crabtree turned back and replied, "SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"

She frowned annoyed. "But he smells like pee!" She complained, pointing at him while the man just blinked.

"I SAID **SIT DOWN** AND **SHUT UP!**"

She glared at the ground and sat at the very edge of the seat with the homeless man. "Goddammit..."

"I am not a Homeless per-son," the man replied with a very abnormal way of pronunciation. "I am a new fourth grade stu-daunt."

Kat frowned at him sideways, leaning away from him while her friends looked over confused. "You are?" Kyle questioned.

"Yes, my name is Bill, Bill Cosby," he replied.

"Aren't you a little old to be in grade school?" Stan questioned.

"I was held back ten hu-man grades- unh," he grunted hard in annoyance and Kat stared at him bizarrely. "I mean, grades."

Stan and Kyle glanced at each other unsure, and Kat glared at him suspiciously. "I'll have you know," she whispered threateningly, "My mom is a M.I.B. agent." Bill Cosby furrowed his brows up confused.

Bill ignored her and asked them, "Do you companion friends know Eric Cart-man?"

"Yeah, that's me," Cartman replied.

"Eric Cart-man?" He questioned and leaned forward, making Kat lean away further in annoyance. "And you have a Dawson's Creek Tapper Keeper Futura S-2000?"

"Yeah, you already know about it?" He questioned.

Bill replied gravely, "Yes... Yes I do."

Kat glared up at him. "Dude, get the fuck off me before I break your arm."

"Well, _'Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman._" Cartman mocked Kyle's voice.

Kyle glared back at him. "I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!"

"Dude, do you really care if Cartman has something that's better than yours?" Stan questioned.

"No, I don't! I don't care!" He replied firmly and crossed his arms.

"Ooo, Kyle~" Cartman dangled his Trapper Keeper out and Kyle ignored him, while Bill stared at Cartman's Trapper Keeper and Kat glared at Bill.

* * *

Once they made it to class Cartman was still going on about his Trapper Keeper to the rest of the kids. Kat sat in front of Bill, who was leaning over her to stare at Cartman's Trapper Keeper. She laid down on her desk, glaring up at him in annoyance while Kyle was glaring over her head at Cartman and he flapped his trap. "And so the _other_ thing that makes my Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's is that it can add any peripheral device to itself automatically." He opened it up and demonstrated, "I can take something as simple as this calculator and-" he pulled out his bear calculator, "Trapper Keeper?"

[Trapper Keeper: Active] the machine replied.

He instructed, "Hybrid with 'Wellington Bear' Calculator."

[Ready for hybrid.]

Wires shot out and grabbed the calculator, pulling it back and connecting it to the bottom panel. "And now I can use Wellington Bear calculator, too." He smiled at Kyle smugly as the class sounded impressed.

Bill then asked, "May I hold your Trapper Keeper?"

"May you get the fuck off me?" Kat promptly asked him, biting back her rage.

He somehow ignored her and was slowly reaching for Cartman's Trapper Keeper, but Cartman quickly closed it, forcing him to retract his hand. "Uh, no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby. Because it is coded to the prints on my fingers," he explained, flashing off his fingers to impress the others. "If anybody but me tries to hold it big metal spikes come out and pierce through their hands."

Finally exasperated and fed up Kyle called him out, "Oh, you are so full of crap, Cartman! Metal spikes will not come out!"

"Oh really?" Cartman held his Trapper Keeper out in front of Kat's face, offering it to him. Her eye began twitching as Bill loomed over her to stare at it. "Then why don't you hold it?"Kyle furrowed his brows up as he stared at it. "Well, Kyle? If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it."

"I can hold it," Bill offered.

Kat glared up at him and hissed, "I will fucking melt your face off." That encouraged him to back away.

Cartman leaned closer to him and wagged it. "Hold it," he whispered.

Kyle snapped back, "I'm gonna!" Yet he didn't make a move to.

"Hold it," he whispered again.

"I will!"

"I can!" Bill chimed in.

"Christ on a stick!" Kat back handed the Trapper Keeper back over to Cartman and snapped at him, "Put that in my face again and I'll burn it along with everything in your locker."

Cartman furrowed his brows up, cradling his Trapper Keeper to his chest. "Dude, what the fuck's your problem today?"

"[Yeah,]" Kenny added from behind Stan, "[You seem mad.]"

"Maybe because I have a PEDOPHILE BREATHING DOWN MY NECK!" She shouted back.

Stan sighed and pinched the bridged of his nose. "Let it be recess already."

* * *

"Ugh, finally," Kat left with her friends to the snow covered playground, making their way to the tether ball. "That homeless guy is away from me. I swear to God if he breathes down my neck one more time then I'm going to burn a hole in his chest and cook his lungs."

Kyle and Stan exchanged a nervous glance. Stan then nudged him and he cleared his throat to ask, "Uh, Kat?"

"Hm?"

"What's with you and burning stuff?" He then hastily added, "Not that there's anything wrong, but-"

"But if you're turning into a pyromaniac then I don't want you burning my shit," Stan added.

She responded by scoffing and becoming nervous. "Wh-what? Who's a pyromaniac? Not me- I don't even like fire. Psh," she continued scoffing and quickly shuffled away from them.

They exchanged another weird look. They hung back and Stan whispered, "So was I the only one to notice her spitting fire the other day?"

"No, I saw it, too," he whispered back. "You think that has something to do with her talking about burning stuff?"

He shrugged, "Well I don't know what else would it be. How the hell was she able to do that?"

"I don't know!" Kyle furrowed his brows up in concern. "Should we talk to her about it?"

"You can go ahead and do that," he replied. "I'd rather not piss her off and get burned alive."

Kyle frowned thoughtfully at that as they joined the others at the tether ball. When they walked up Kat grunted in annoyance and said, "Dammit, here comes that weird new kid."

Bill walked up to them and smiled at Cartman, "Oh, hello, Eric. Can I be your hu-man friend?" Kat gave him another bizarre look as he grunted. "Uhn- I mean, friend?"

He was thoughtful, but replied, "I don't know, dude, I'm not supposed to have male friends that are over 30. I kinda got screwed on that once."

"Please, we can have fun and play games like hu-man four square- uhn- I mean, four square."

Kat mumbled to herself, "Okay, fuck this bitch." Stan and Kyle watched as she took out her iphone and took a picture of him.

"What are you doing?" Kyle asked as she sent a message.

"Checking to see if this guy is even human," she replied and the boys blinked at each other.

"Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's friend and be their friend," Cartman explained to Bill. "It doesn't work that way. If you want my friendship you have to pay me."

"Oh, I see," he said happily. "All right, I'll pay 100 Galga stones- I mean hu-man dollars- I mean, dollars!"

"Okay, that's cool," Cartman replied, unfazed by his mistakes.

Kat on the other hand took a step back as she messaged her mom. "Nope."

"Nope?" Stan questioned.

Bill picked up the tether ball and asked Cartman, "Can we play some hu-man tether ball?"

"All right!" Kyle nudged Kat and she looked up. They and Kenny watched as Bill backed up, readying the ball at Cartman dangerously. "Pretty sweet, you guys, getting 100 bucks to play tether ball with some-"

"Serve!" Bill chucked the ball at his head and knocked him into the snow. The Trapper Keeper fell from his grasp and Bill snagged it up, "Got it!"

They stared in surprise as he sprinted off with it. "Dude, he's running away with your Tapper Keeper!" Stan exclaimed.

Cartman quickly sat up and shouted, "EY!"

They watched as Bill stopped short and shouted in pain. "Holy shit," Kat shouted. Spikes actually came out of the Trapper Keeper and stabbed his hands, but he kept running.

"You son of a bitch!" Cartman shouted angrily, but then remembered something. "Wait a minute," he pulled a radar out of his back pocket. "Good thing I have my Trapper Keeper homing device."

As he wandered off Stan asked, "What the hell just happened?"

Kyle frowned angrily, "Damn, and I thought fourth grade was gonna be different."

"Come on, guys!" Kat ran off after Cartman and the three boys followed. They went to the front off the school and a black SUV with tinted windows pulled up to the sidewalk next to them.

"[Whoa, sweet ride,]" Kenny commented.

The driver's window rolled down to show Ellen wearing shades. "Hop on in, kids."

"Kat's mom?" Cartman questioned. Kat was the first to hop into the back and the boys got in with her, Cartman getting into the passenger's seat. Inside they could see her mom wearing a black suit with a tie.

"What are you doing here, Ms. Schumer?" Stan asked.

"Kat informed me about the stranger that showed up today," she replied as they sped off. "I just thought that I'd help out a little. Can you kids tell me anything abnormal about this man? Perhaps a deformity?"

"Well, not really," Kyle replied. "He did say something about galga stones, though."

She frowned. "Galga stones?"

"It's a kind of currency to him," Kat explained.

"I see," Ellen then tampered with the touch screen between the seats and said, "Computer, do a data base search on Galga Stone Currency, please."

The computer replied, "Certainly. Searching."

"Whoa, sweet, dude," Cartman exclaimed.

"Eric, do you know where this guy went?" Ellen asked.

"Huh? Oh, yeah! Turn left here," he replied and Ellen pulled a sharp turn, causing the kids in the back to yelp and tumble over the seats. "We're getting close."

She glanced over at him and asked, "How are you tracking him with that?"

"The bastard stole my Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Ultra-Keeper Futura 2000, but I have a homing device on it. That son of a bitch isn't getting away with this!"

"Results found," the computer spoke. "Galga Stone is a currency used on Earth in the year- undetermined. Galga Stone currency has not been invented yet."

Ellen hummed, "I see."

"What the hell is that computer talking about?" Stan asked.

Before she could reply, Cartman shouted, "There he is!" He suddenly took the wheel and yanked to the side.

"Eric!" She exclaimed, but they ran into Bill and pinned him against the building wall. She sighed, "Goddammit," and reversed a little, letting the body drop.

They all got out of the car and the kids gasped. While there was blood from his injuries, his arm was ripped off and wires stuck out of his insides, the dethatched hand still twitching with mechanical whirring sounds. "Whoa, dude," Kyle murmured in shock, watching the sparks fly from his exposed wires.

Cartman recovered though and walked up to take his folder back. "Oh, try to take my Trapper Keeper, will you?"

"Please," he pleaded as he went back to his friends, "You do not understand."

Ellen stepped forward and said, "Bill Cosby, is it? A pseudonym I'm sure. Tell me, why did you take this boy's folder?"

"That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!" He forced out urgently.

Kat frowned angrily and said, "She asked why, stupid."

"Kat, honey, mommy can handle this." She said sweetly. She knelt down to the injured cyborg and said in a much more stern voice, "Bill Cosby, not only are you in unauthorized space, but you are in unauthorized _time._"

Bill looked up at her in surprise. "You- you know?"

"The M.I.B. know many things," she replied, and as she did so she reached into her inner coat pocket and flashed her M.I.B. badge. "And we know that what you're doing is **very** dangerous. If you don't want me to put you into custody right now then you must cooperate and explain to me what your purpose is here. First, who you really are, and what you're doing."

He calmed down and replied, "My name is BSM-471. I am a cyborg engineered by hu-mans from the year 2034. I have come to destroy that Trapper Keeper," he pointed at Cartman's folder angrily, "because it was the Dawson's creek Trapper Keeper that belongs to an Eric Cart-man in South Park which three years from now manifests itself into an omnipotent super being and destroys all of hu-manity in the year 2004. A hybrid assimilating computer linked with a satellite uplink computer. From there it was able to slowly take over every computer in the world.

It became stronger and stronger until, by the year 2018, it broke away from mankind and there was nothing the hu-mans could do. It wasn't long before hybrid Trapper Keeper started to destroy everything it saw as useless... Including hu-mans. The nations tried everything to stop it- nuclear devices, seismic missiles, but nothing worked. The hu-mans built robots of their own, whole armies of them, but nothing was strong enough to stop Trapper Keeper. And so finally, the hu-mans decided to send one of their robots into the past to destroy the Trapper Keeper before it even got started."

"Wow," Stan said in awe, "That's amazing."

"Man," Kyle said, "I guess sometimes we let technology and stuff grow too fast."

Kat furrowed her brows up at her mother. "Mom?"

Ellen sighed and turned to Cartman. Kneeling down she said in her sweet mom voice, "Eric, we're going to need to destroy your Trapper Keeper."

They all stared at him as he looked down at his folder. "... You guys, did I mention that it has a pencil sharpener _and_ a crayon sharpener?"

"Cartman!" Kat shouted. "It takes over the world and destroys all of humanity!"

"What would you guys have me do, huh!?" He questioned back angrily. "Walk about with just a plain old Trapper Keeper like Kyle's? Is that what you want!?"

"YES!" They all shouted.

"Goddammit! Here, take it!" He threw it on the ground at their feet. "Do you want my heart as well? You'll find it on the bottom of your shoes!" With that he walked away with his head hung.

Ellen reached for it, but the kids shouted, "NO!" She quickly retracted and Kat explained, "If anyone but Cartman touches it then spikes will come out and stab you."

"Oh, I see." She reached into her back pocket, pulled out some gloves and put them on, and then picked up the folder with no problem. "I will dispose of this properly, BSM-471. Kids, I'll take you back to school now."

"Okay," they replied and climbed back into the car. Once inside, Kyle whispered, "What's the M.I.B.?"

Kat quickly shushed him. "Don't mention it or my mom will wipe your memory."

The three boys became worried. Kenny questioned. "[What the fuck?]"

"Just shut the fuck up!" She hissed and then Ellen got back into the car.

* * *

The next day at school, Kat, Kyle, Kenny and Stan were standing by the lockers together. The conversation came to a stop when BSM-471 walked up to them. "Good morning, hu-mans," he greeted.

"Hey, Bill Cosby," they all replied.

"Hu-man female, did your mo-ther destroy the Trapper Keeper?"

"Yeah, she did," she replied. "She broke it apart, dipped the motherboards in acid, burnt the memory chips, and sent the wiring back to her agency."

Bill hummed in concern, bringing his remaining hand to his chin. "That should do it..."

"So what are you gonna do with your crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?" Stan asked.

"Well, that is a problem that is causing me some disconcert-ment," he replied. "I am still here, but I shouldn't be here. If Trapper Keeper has been stopped then I should not exist. But here I am! Something is still not right."

Cartman then walked up to them holding a new Trapper Keeper. "Hey, dudes!"

They all gawked and Stan exclaimed, "Cartman, you still got a Trapper Keeper!"

"Yeah, I'm a genius," he replied excitedly. "Last night I went home and told my mom that I _lost_ the last one. Then I cried and I cried, and finally she felt so bad that she took me to the store and bought me a _new_ one! So everything worked out."

Kat pinched the bridge of her nose as the others stared at him. "Goddammit."

Bill was horrified. "Oh, no!"

"Cartman, you dumb ass!" Kyle shouted at him. "You can't _get_ a new one!"

"Why the hell not!?" He questioned, holding the folder to himself protectively.

Kat mumbled to herself, "My mom's gonna be mad."

Stan quickly explained, "Because if _your_ Trapper Keeper takes over the world, then maybe it was _this_ Trapper Keeper and not the one before!"

Cartman glanced down at his folder. "So, then... You guys burnt my last one for no reason!"

"We will have to destroy this Trapper Keeper," Bill said in finality.

He held it away and said, "But I don't think I can get my mom to buy me another one."

"Don't you get it!?" Kat exploded at him. "You can't have ANY Trapper Keeper, Fatass!"

"Oh, that is bullcrap! And you know what I think? I think this **whole** thing is a set up! That's right, Kyle got this guy to say he's a robot from the future just because he's jealous of **my** Trapper Keeper! And you know what else? Screw you guys, I'm going home."

As he walked away Stan called after him, "Cartman!"

"No- screw you guys. Home."

As he left Bill said, "Well, that does it." He pulled out a futuristic pistol and aimed it at him.

"Hey, what are you doing!?" Kyle shouted.

"I'm afraid I have no other choice. For the sake of hu-manity I have to kill him."

"Oh, okay."

"Yeah, that's fine," Stan replied and they all watched.

Kat then cut in, "No- wait!"

"What?" Bill questioned.

"Can I do it?"

"Oh, well, I suppose."

He handed her the gun and she grinned. "Sweet!" She aimed and shouted, "Kiss your fat ass goodbye, fat boy!"

"Wait," Bill suddenly snagged the gun back and Kat was emotionally crushed. Kyle patted her back comfortingly. "Perhaps there is another way. If you could take me to where Eric Cart-man lives I could try reasoning with his hu-man mo-ther."

"Well, yeah," Kyle shrugged, Kat still staring down the hall in a heartbroken daze. "Or we could just kill him."

"Yeah, tha'd be faster," Stan said.

He gestured down the hall, "He's right there."

"I'm afraid I can't," Bill replied. "I think I'm actually starting to feel what you hu-mans call 'compassion'. It is an amazing feeling."

Kyle dropped his arm and the three boys groaned in disappointment. Kat stared up at the cyborg irritably and said in sarcastic interest, "Would you say these feelings developed sometime after Cartman told you to buy his friendship and before he made my mom hit you with her car?" Bill opened his mouth, but she quickly added, "That was rhetorical, dipstick."

* * *

The four kids took Bill to Cartman's house and the six of them sat together at the dining table. "And so you see, Ms. Cart-man," Bill said, "you cannot buy your son Eric another Trapper Keeper. Not now- not ever!"

"Right," Liane replied, "because it will hybrid with all those other processors and generate a whole new era of technological darkness."

"Correct."

"Well," she stood up and went over to him, "I certainly won't buy him any more then, Bill..." She wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back, eyeing him up and down.

"Good," he said, somehow missing her actions. "Now all that is left to do is destroy the Trapper Keeper Eric has now. Where is he?"

"In his room," she replied. "But, why don't I show you the _rest_ of the house first." She pulled him out of his chair and led him away.

"Uh-oh," Stan said and Kat stared at Liane strangely.

"Here we go again," Kyle sighed.

"Come this way, Billy," Liane said and pulled him up the stairs.

Kat's face was contorted between confusion and disgust. "Is she seriously doing this right now?"

"Come on," Stan said, "Let's go upstairs and get Cartman's Trapper Keeper ourselves."

They followed him up the stairs and Kyle knocked on his bedroom door. "Open up, Cartman! We're taking your Trapper Keeper!"

They only heard the door lock and Cartman singing Dawson's Creek theme, "Screw you guys- screw you guys~! Screw you guys~"

Kat glared and banged on the door. "Dammit, Cartman, open up!"

"You might as well open the door!" Stan called. "We're just gonna have Bill Cosby bust the door down after he finishes having sex with your mom!"

They paused and heard Cartman's muffled voice struggling, along with the sounds of objects breaking and crashing. The four of them exchanged concerned glances. "Cartman?" Kyle questioned. The struggling continued and they backed away from the door. "He's not gonna open it, break it down."

Stan frowned, "**You** break it down!"

"Okay, ready- 1, 2, 3, not it."

"Not it."

"Not it," Kat turned to Kenny. "You lose, Kenny."

He furrowed his brows up sadly, "[Oh, man!]" He then pulled Kat away from the others and they only stared as he whispered, "[Come on, Kat, can't you just breathe fire to burn the door down?]"

She narrowed her eyes in confusion. "Wait, how do you- never mind. I can't just breathe fire," she whispered back, "I'll get in trouble with my mom. Sorry, but if one of us happens to die breaking down this door, then it might as well be the one who can come back to life."

"[But it fucking hurts, dude!]"

"We all admire you for your sacrifice." She then patted him on the shoulder and backed away with the other boys.

Kenny sighed and backed up, readying to break down the door, and then charged. Then the door broke off its hinges by a mass of flesh and mechanical parts and squished him against the wall, blood splattering everywhere. The three of them were horrified at the sight of the disgusting flesh and wires. "Oh my god," Stan shouted, "They killed Kenny!"

"You ba- Ahhh!" They all screamed and ran off as the flesh chased them. They escaped out of the house as the fleshy Trapper Keeper destroyed it, leaving nothing but Liane's bed as she rode Bill completely undaunted.

"Mom! Mom!" Kat screamed as the three of them ran for her house.

They barged through the front door, startling Leonidas off the couch. Ellen hurried down the stairs, "Goodness, what's wrong, Kat?"

"Cartman's Trapper Keeper fused with Cartman!" Kat shouted in a panic.

"Wait- I destroyed his Trapper Keeper."

Kyle explained, "The stupid fat ass got his mom to buy him another one."

"We tried to get it from him with Bill," Stan added, "but Cartman's mom started having sex with him, so we had to do it ourselves, and now it killed Kenny and is on the loose!"

Ellen sighed and pressed her palm to her forehead. "Dammit, all right. Kids, hop in my car."

* * *

They got into her black SUV and they picked up Bill from Cartman's house. They drove out of town, following the trail of destruction it left behind, and came to a stop of the hill. They all stepped out and Ellen pulled out some binoculars, reading the road sign it passed. Colorado Springs, Pueblo, and... "Looks like it's heading for the secret military base in Cheyenne mountain."

They could hear Cartman's distorted robotic voice, "We are Trapper Keeper..."

"That it where Trapper Keeper assimilated with the super computer," Bill said to them gravelly. "From there it will fuse into our defensive computers."

"We have to stop it before it gets there!" Stan said and they all hopped back into the SUV.

* * *

Two lone security officers stood out front of the tunnel into Cheyenne mountain. Reading the newspapers, one looked up and noticed the gigantic mound of flesh and technological parts making its way towards them. "Hey, Mark, look."

Mark glanced at him and then up at the monster as well. "Wow, that is about the nicest Trapper Keeper I've ever seen," he said impressed.

The black SUV's tires screeched as it came to sliding stop in front of them. The five of them hopped out and Ellen called, "Eric, sweetie, you have to stop."

"We are Trapper Keeper," the mass replied, and it formed Cartman's face. "We are one."

"Part of your friend must still be alive in there," Bill said.

Down at the base of the mass was a tube that was expelling steam. From there they heard a fart come out. "He _is_ in there," Stan said in wonder.

"That must be what Trapper Keeper is using for ventilation," Ellen concluded. "It's too small for BSM-471 and I, but if one of you kids could get in there, you could reach the C.P.U."

"1, 2, 3, not it," Stan said.

Kyle followed up, "Not it."

"Not- aw, dammit!"Kat threw her fists down.

Ellen pulled her away and knelt down to whisper to her, "Katherine, you need to understand this is very dangerous, but you are the only one able to do it."

She furrowed her brows up. "But why me?"

"Remember that fire breathing thing you can do?"

Kat glanced up at the fleshy mass, seeing Cartman's face. "... Can I kill Cartman?"

"If you kill your friend then I will ground you."

"Dammit," she glared at the ground. "I get to use my powers to save the fatass. Great." She sighed heavily and walked up to the tube that sputtered gas.

"Wait!" She looked back as Kyle ran up to her. He took her hands and said, "Whatever happens, I'll never forget you."

She stared at him. She then glared, "Don't jinx me before I get started!"

She then climbed up and inside, surrounded by discolored mounds of flesh and nets of wire. She could hear a heartbeat and looked around, noticing a piece of flesh reach for her. She yelped and moved away, continuing on. She came up to a wall that opened up and sucked her in. It closed behind her and she was left floating in an orange metal room with no gravity, alone in silence.

Cartman then spoke to her sounding HAL-like. "What are you doing, Kat?"

"I'm going to try and break you away from the computer, Cartman," she replied. "I need to remove the C.P.U."

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kat."

"Screw you, Fatass!"

"Hey, screw you!"

"Cartman!" She shouted in irritation. She drifted close enough to a wall and punched it. Tendrils of wires and flesh then came out of the walls and wrapped around her and she yelped. "Ah! No!"

* * *

Outside, police had gathered, the park rangers showed up, and tourists were stranded as their cars and payphones were absorbed into the pulsing mass that now covered the mountain. Kat had been inside for a few hours and it was already sunset in Colorado. Mark finally said, "Well, that does it. I'm gonna have to report this." He pulled out his walkie-talkie and said, "Guard one to base-!" A tentacle shot out and grabbed him. He screamed as he was pulled back to the mass and absorbed.

"It is infusing with everything," Bill said. "It is already too powerful to stop."

"Oh no," Ellen pulled down her sunglasses to stare up at the mass in worry. "And I sent my little girl in there..."

"Kat's got to succeed," Kyle said to himself in hope. "She's just got to."

* * *

Kat was breathing fire left and right, but she was exhausted. She was still tangled in the flesh and wires and was only able to prevent herself from becoming absorbed. The fire puttered out and she breathed heavily, her face sweating a bit. "I can't... Reach the C.P.U..."

* * *

Outside, a black limo pulled up to the Trapper Keeper and Rosie O'Donnell came out. Angry, she marched up to the mass and shouted, "What are you doin'!? Get out of my way!"

The remaining security guard pointed at her and said, "Oh, no, now there's two of those things!"

"No, I think that other thing is Rosie O'Donnell," Stan replied.

"Huh? Which one?" he asked. "It's like I'm seeing double!"

"I **said**," Rosie shouted up at it, "Get out of my way!" A tendril shot out at her and she screamed. It wrapped around her and popped her in a bubbling spatter of blood before absorbing her as well.

After it absorbed her, though, the flesh of the Trapper Keeper turned a sickly green. "Look!" Bill pointed at it. "I think that infusing with Rosie O'Donnell has made Trapper Keeper sick."

Trapper Keeper groaned as it began slouching. "Euhhh... Bad pie, bad pie..."

"This is your chance, Kat!" Kyle shouted.

Stan joined him, "Cartman is weakened!"

* * *

Kat inhaled and tried to breath fire, put only a few flames flickered out and she coughed. "Oh man, I'm so tired... Uh?" She perked up as everything began trembling. The wires and flesh loosened and released her. She fell to the ground and scrambled to her feet, running for the wall. "Got 'em!" She pulled out the C.P.U.

The flesh fell away and Trapper Keeper became undone. "She did it!" Kyle and Stan cheered happily. Kat, Cartman and Rosie O'Donnell were all spat out and covered in goo.

They all ran up to her and Ellen said happily, "You did it, sweetheart!"

Kyle pointed at Cartman and said, "Kat saved your life, Fatass."

"Look!" They all looked over at Bill to see him disappearing. "I'm fading! It must have worked. I don't exist!"

He then vanished. "Oh, that's a bitch," Stan replied.

"Oh, well," Cartman said, "I guess everything's fine now. So let's go home."

"Hey- whoa, whoa, whoa, Cartman," Stan quickly said. "All you've been doing is making fun of Kat and now she saved your life."

"You at least owe her a thank you," Kyle added and the boys glared at him.

Cartman looked to the ground. "Oh, man..."

"Cartman!" They warned.

"All right, all right." He sighed and she stared at him. "Kat..."


	16. 100 Shits

Leonidas hopped onto Kat's bed and meowed, nuzzling her face with his. She groaned and rolled over onto her back. She smiled, "Hey, Leonidas." He meowed again and moved aside so she could sit up. She yawned and stretched, and then looked over at her clock, seeing she slept in. "Oh, wow. I slept like a rock."

"Meow."

She frowned at him. "Hey!"

He rasped out a chuckle and then said, "Meow, meow."

"Yeah," she pat his head and he purred. "Yesterday took a lot out of me, but I felt a lot less angry. I think when I'm mad I need to literally spit fire, but if I do it too much then it'll wear me out."

He tilted his head. "Meow?"

She frowned, glaring down at the ground. "No, mom said I'd be grounded if I did." She then hopped out of her bed and got on her chair, logging into Facebook. She made a post: [Guess who just frigging saved the world yesterday.]

Aaron was the first of her friends to reply: [Yo mama]

[Close, but wrong! It was me!] She then made a long post about what happened yesterday. Sure, her friends might not believe her- again, but she felt pretty dang cool and wanted to share.

Leonidas tilted his head to see over her shoulder, "Meow?"

"Well, no, nobody's supposed to know about my alien powers," she replied she typed, "But it shouldn't matter if I tell my friends in Marysville, should it? I mean, they're not here, right?"

Leonidas furrowed his brows up. "Meow..."

Aaron commented on her post again: [Sorry, I didn't actually finish that sentence. I meant to say yo mama is so fat that I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.] Kat blinked, seeing Blake and Jordan like his comment, along with some of her new female friends from South Park

"The fuck." She glared and typed furiously: [Dammit, Aaron, what did I say about saying shit about my mom!?]

[Don't mind him] Alek commented. [He's been making yo mama jokes all week.]

[All. Fucking. Week.] Dustin commented. [I'm going to murder him.] Alek liked his comment.

[Yo mama so ugly her portraits hang themselves.] Jordan and Blake liked his post as well as others.

Blake then commented: [Jordan and I can't get enough of it. We love this shit.]

[Of course you do.] She commented back. She then quickly typed: [So, is anyone going to acknowledge what happened to me? The Trapper Keeper fusing with the fat kid and me breathing fire and saving the future?]

Dustin commented: [We don't feed trolls.] Alek and the other boys liked his comment.

She puffed her cheeks out. [I'm not trolling you! I'm SERIOUS. You're not even going to tell me to get off the drugs? Anything?] She then added: [It's been a while since I've been on, too. Why aren't you guys more excited?]

Alek commented: [I waited, but you never came. I had to move on.]

She rolled her eyes. [I'll have you know that I almost **died** saving the stupid world.]

Blake commented: [Wait- are we supposed to care?]

[Ass.]

[All right, I think you've gotten enough crazy.] Jordan commented. [Now that you've had your fun it's time to come back to reality. When are you moving back here?] She liked his comment along with her other Marysville friends.

[My mom really likes this town, even though weird shit happens here.] She commented back. [How about you guys come move here? You can see the insanity for yourselves and finally fucking believe me.]

[To Shit Park?] Dustin commented. [No thanks. Washington rules.]

Kat blinked and glanced down at the corner of her screen, seeing she received a private IM from- she gasped, "Kyle just messaged me!"

Leonidas looked over from the bed. "Meow?"

"He's a guy I like," she explained. She then furrowed her brows up in worry. "Oh, wow, I didn't think I'd be so nervous. I guess him and I haven't chatted privately before."

"Meow."

"Y-yeah, you're right." She looked back at her post to see that Alek commented: [Okay, Kat, seriously, what the hell happened to you. I'm sick of always waiting on your ass. You gotta quit neglecting us!] The other guys liked his comment.

She quickly commented back: [Sorry, a cute guy just messaged me. See ya!]

[OH GOD DAMMIT!]

She opened up the message and read: [Hey, Kat]

She nervously fiddled her hands together. "Open ended sentence... Pretty short too..."

Leonidas jumped from the bed to her desk and sat next to her monitor. "Meow?"

"It just says 'Hey, Kat', but it's opened ended. I can't tell if he's mad or happy."

"Meow?"

"Well, I-I don't think I did anything to make him mad," she frowned in worry at the message. "I'll just reply: Hey Kyle!" As she typed it out she asked, "Should I add a smiley face or is that too desperate?"

"Meow."

"Yeah, you're right." She sent the message and Kyle replied almost immediately: [I have a question to ask. It's kinda personal, so you don't have to answer if you don't want to...]

She read the message out loud to Leonidas and then smiled, her head tilting to the side, "Aww, he's so nice and considerate."

Leonidas raised an eyebrow at her. "Meow?"

"Oh," she snapped out of it and replied, [Okay, shoot.]

[During our first day of fourth grade, Stan and I happened to notice fire flickering out of your mouth when you were screaming at the fat pizza face.]

Kat's eyes went wide. "Uh oh."

Her cat mimicked her. "Me-ow?"

Kyle continued: [Also, your mom mentioned she was part of the M.I.B? I was just wondering... What's going on?]

* * *

Kyle was drumming his fingers nervously on his desk, staring at the bottom of the IM box, seeing that she was typing, then pausing, typing, then pausing... He sighed heavily and Stan sitting next to him glanced over. "You okay, dude?"

"I'm just worried about her, you know?" He replied, watching as she typed, and then paused again. "There's something strange going on with her and I wanna know what it is."

Stan furrowed his brows up. "Why are you worried about _her?" _He frowned back at him and he hastily added, "Nothing against her, dude, but I mean I'm pretty sure she can handle herself. I don't think you gotta be too worried."

He sighed and held his head in his hands, staring at Kat's smiling profile picture. "I'm totally in love with her, dude. I can't help but worry- if she's in danger then I wanna help keep her safe."

Stan stared at him. "Wow, and I get ripped on for liking Wendy."

Kyle frowned at him again, but a ping went off and they saw she finally replied: [Is Stan there with you?]

Kyle quickly typed back: [Yeah, he's hanging out with me, but he doesn't have to know.]

"Hey," Stan frowned at him, "I wanna know, too!"

"Relax," he waved him off, "You'll find out eventually, I'm just gonna find out first."

"Oh yeah? And what if she doesn't tell you?"

He looked at him worried, "Why wouldn't she tell me? She said she thought I was cute."

Stan scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Just because she thinks your cute doesn't necessarily means she likes you."

He gaped at him in fear. "It doesn't!?"

"Yeah, dude, ask Wendy about it." Kyle screamed in horror and Stan continued undaunted, "Besides, dude, she's not from here. She's bound to have her secrets- same with her mom. If you're not involved then why would she involve you?"

"Wait- what?" He was snapped out of his terror and replied, "But we're already involved- all of us are."

Stan blinked. "... Wait- what?"

"Yeah, dude! Think back to when we were making our own church with Cartman." Stan stared at the ceiling as he thought back. "Well? What do you remember?"

Stan glanced around, thinking about it for a moment. "Well... It's actually pretty hazy for me."

"Right? And it's the same for me." Stan looked back at him as he held his hands out and explained, "I talked to Kenny and Cartman about this and they can't remember either. Then I asked Butters, and Token, and Timmy, and they don't remember either. Something **happened**, Stan, and I'm pretty sure our memories were wiped. With the weird stuff that's happened to Kat that we **do** remember, I can't help but worry about her. I've **got** to figure out what her secret is so I can help her."

Stan furrowed up her brows, staring at him for a moment. "... Well... Or she could... You know... Handle it herself..." His friend stared back at him and he put his hands up as he hastily added, "Not- not that you shouldn't, but, I mean... You know." He shrugged. "If she can breathe fire... Not much you can bring to the table after that." Kyle frowned at him angrily, not appreciating his lack of support. Stan glanced back at the screen and pointed, "Look, she replied!"

* * *

Kat sighed as she sent her message. "That's the best I can do for now."

Leonidas tilted his head. "Meow?"

She shook her head. "No, I went for cool and cryptic. I just wrote 'You'll know in time, but for now some secrets should remain secrets."

He stared at her flatly, his tail flicking. "Meow."

"Shut up!" She snapped back. "Better than what you would have come up with."

"Meow, meow!" He snapped back.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Whatever, doesn't matter." She logged off and hopped out of her chair. Changing out of her pajamas she said, "I'm fairly certain that Kyle's the one to write me that love letter, which means he likes me."

"Meow...?"

Putting on her sweatshirt she replied, "_So_ that means I can't screw this up!" She finished changing and took her iPhone off her charger. "I'm in a very delicate situation right now. If him and my other friends find out that my mom is a part of the Men In Black and that I'm half alien, they might totally abandon me! Then what'll I do here?"

Leonidas hopped off her desk and followed her out of the room. "Meow. Meow?"

"Well, my other guy friends are different," she replied as they made their way down the hall. "They're not here, so I don't have any real risk of losing them." He rolled his eyes. "I gotta figure out a way to explain to them who I am without scaring them off."

"Meow, meow?"

"But I don't _want_ her to keep neutralizing them," she replied annoyed. "That thing might give them brain cancer or something. Besides, if I'm living here then they'll find out sooner or later."

Kat came down the stairs and stopped on the steps, Leonidas hurrying down to join her. She gripped the bars of the wood railing and stared at her mother in worry. Ellen was pacing back and forth in the living room, muttering to herself in worry as the television behind her played the news. Leonidas looked up at her and whispered, "Meow." Kat only gave him a nervous glance.

Together they continued down the stairs, "Mom?"

"Oh," Ellen jumped, startled, and then turned to her. "Kat, you're finally awake."

Kat and Leonidas stared up at her in worry. "Mom, what's wrong? You look upset."

Ellen sighed and sat down on the couch. She gestured to the television and said, "They just spoke on the news about the show Cop Drama saying 'shit' on television tonight."

"Whoa," Kat went wide eyed. "Shit? Seriously?"

Ellen stared at her lap and replied, "Yes, I'm afraid so..."

Kat and Leonidas glanced at each other. They then hopped onto the couch with her and asked, "What's wrong with that? Saying 'shit' on T.V. sounds totally awesome."

She sighed and leaned forward, resting her head in her hands. "I just got a call from my Commander. Apparently my partner Agent F was keeping tabs on me and found out I was doing some unofficial M.I.B. business while I'm supposed to be on vacation." She sighed again heavily. "My Commander told me that, no matter what happens after tonight, I wasn't supposed to get involved."

Kat raised an eyebrow at her. "Wait- there's M.I.B. business dealing with the show Cop Drama?"

She sat back and explained, "The media is losing its mind over the fact that 'shit' is going to be said. I think there's something going on with that rather than Cop Drama."

"Huh..." She furrowed her brows up. "So... What are we going to do?"

"I'm going over to a friend's house to watch the episode for myself," she replied. "Kat, I'm getting tickets for the Lion King musical and I want you to try to go with your friends."

He raised an eyebrow. "My friends. Missing 'shit' on Cop Drama?"

"You need to try, Kat," her mother placed a hand on her shoulder. "With my partner watching me I can't prepare for whatever is going to happen. But I can at least try to help you and your friends."

She sighed heavily, rolling her eyes. "_Fine. _I'll be totally lame for you and try to get my friends to see Lion King."

She smiled, "Thank you, Kat. Hurry and get your friends together while I print out the tickets." She then kissed her head and left the living room.

Kat only sighed again and pulled out her iPhone. She sent a privet IM to her friends Stan, Kenny and Kyle saying: [Meet me at the bus stop.]

* * *

Having received her message, the three boys stood at the bus stop waiting. Seeing them she ran and called excitedly, "Hey, you guys, look what I have!"

They looked over at her as she stood between them, "What?" They asked animatedly.

She held up the tickets and replied, "_Four tickets_ to the Lion King on stage!"

She grinned at them, but their enthusiasm died away. "Oh." Her enthusiasm died away as well as she saw them glance at each other looking disappointed.

She needed to put in some effort for her mother. "Oh, come on, you guys! It's supposed to be really cool!"

"Yeah, no, it-it sounds... really cool," Stan replied and she frowned at him annoyed, thoroughly unconvinced.

"You guys! Oh my god, you guys!" Cartman huffed and shouted breathlessly as he ran up to them and she glared. Great, fatass was here and would no doubt ruin her plans.

"What, dough boy?" Kyle asked.

"I was just-" he stopped short, realizing what he said hummed. He then continued, "I was just watching the T.V.. They had this commercial."

"So?" Stan questioned.

"So guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show Cop Drama."

Kat furrowed her brows in worry, glancing around at her friends as Kyle questioned, "What?"

"No, come on, guess! They're gonna say something that's **never** been said on T.V."

She then spoke up, "It's probably stupid."

"Guess again, she-man!" Cartman pointed at her with a smile and she flipped him off.

"[What?]" Kenny asked.

"Guess."

"What!?" Stan pressed.

"Guess."

"Goddammit, Cartman," Kyle glared at him, "What are they gonna say on Cop Drama?"

"You ready?" Cartman questioned and Kat became nervous as the boys just stared at him. "Tonight. On Cop Drama. On T.V.. They're gonna say... Shit."

Kyle gasped, "They're gonna say shit on television?"

"They can't say shit on television!" Stan replied.

"It was just on the news!" Cartman said excitedly. "People are _freaking_ _out_, dude!"

Stan exclaimed out of shock, "Holy fucking shit!"

"[Dude, we gotta watch!]" Kenny said.

"Yeah, I'm gonna have people over at my house to see it," Cartman added.

Kat furrowed her brows up, "But- But I've got these tickets to see Lion King on stage."

"Maybe you didn't hear me, Kat," Cartman replied. "I said '**shit****'**. On **television**."

She frowned back at him angrily, "It's just a marketing ploy by the network. Like that time they had the first male-to-male kiss with Terrance and Phillip."

"Oh, come on, dude," Stan said to encourage her. "This is history."

"It's stupid," she replied.

"Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kat." Cartman put his hands together and said condescendingly, "What's the matter, you got sand in your vagina?"

She glared and snapped back at him, "No, I don't have _'sand in my vagina_', I just think it's a little immature for us to be standing around, talking about one dumb word being on T.V.!"

"Okay, well, we're all gonna go to my house to watch shit on T.V.," he replied and walked off. "Oh, and if you decide to come, Kat, be sure to get the sand out of your vagina before coming inside. My mom doesn't want people tracking dirt in." He then chuckled at his own joke and walked off.

The three boys stood there for a moment as she eyed all of them dangerously. "Well?" She snapped.

Stan and Kenny jumped. "Um, well," Stan rubbed the back of his head. "Not that Lion King isn't cool or anything, but..."

"[We're gonna fucking watch shit on T.V.]"

"Yeah, dude. See ya!"

"Hey!" She shouted, but the two of them ran off. She made a sound of aggravation and then huffed out her nose, black smoke escaping from her nostrils. She then glanced over to see Kyle still there. She blinked. "Oh. You're not running off with them?"

"Well, I actually think you make a good point," he replied and rubbed the back of his head. Nervously avoiding eye contact he said, "I'm sure we'll hear shit again on T.V., so since you got tickets to see Lion King, we could just go watch it... You know, without them... Together..."

"Oh... Uh..." Kat glanced around nervously as well. Going alone with him was like a date, wasn't it? Was he asking her out on a date!? She went wide eyed as she began internally panicking. "Uh, well, I mean, Cartman has a point too- sort of. I mean, yeah it's shit, but, shit is kind of- you know, a big deal, so I mean, we can't just miss out and be outcasts, right? I mean- we both get ripped on enough. Let's just watch this stupid thing and- and do something else later..."

They both stood there for a moment, staring at the ground. Kat cleared her throat and then walked away, following the others. Kyle blinked and replied, "Y-yeah. Right..." He sighed and followed.

* * *

Kat sat on the couch at Cartman's house with the boys next to Stan and Kyle. As Cartman munched on his snacks loudly they listened intently to the show, [We have to know where that evidence was shipped. I told you we don't have a record of that, and besides, your job is to protect the men who serve this force.]

"Goddammit," Cartman snapped, "When are they gonna say 'shit'?" Stan quickly shushed him.

[Maybe... Maybe protect them from you.]

* * *

Ellen and Chef were lying naked in his bed staring at the television screen. [Maybe you're forgetting who you're talking to.]

[And maybe you're forgetting I used to be a cop, too!]

[Yeah, you used to be a lot of things!]

Chef then spoke up in surprise, "Oh, he doesn't know Mitchell slept with his wife, does he?"

Ellen shrugged and replied, "He's just suspicious, I'm pretty sure."

[That's it. I've had enough of this.]

[Don't you turn your back on me, you.]

[I said enough!]

[Is it? Will it _ever_ be enough?]

* * *

[Cop Drama will return after these messages!] Kat rolled her eyes.

"Jesus Christ!" Stan exclaimed. "Another commercial? Are they ever gonna say 'shit'?"

"I'm sure they're just holding it to the very last scene," Cartman replied.

Stan and Kenny sounded in annoyance as Kat hopped off the couch. Kyle furrowed his brows up and asked, "Where are you going, Kat?"

"I'm going to the kitchen," she replied. "This is stupid."

"But you're gonna miss it!" Stan said frantically. "They're gonna say 'shit' and you're gonna miss it!"

"I don't really give a fuck." She then walked off.

The boys glanced at each other in surprise. "[Oh.]"

[Just understand that it's my job. I still think you're a good cop.]

[Well, Mitchell, I guess you're going to do what you're gonna do. Let's just try and stay friends no matter what.]

[You're right. Maybe I'll see you around.]

[Goodbye. Oh, and Mitchell? You've got some shit on the side of your mouth right there...]

[Oh, yeah, oh, thanks, thanks.]

The four boys gasped. "Wow," Stan murmured in awe, "I can't believe they actually said it."

Kat came back with a plate of pizza bites and Cartman shouted, "Dude, you missed it, Kat! It was so awesome!"

"Well, I hope it lived up to all the hype," she replied and rolled her eyes. "You all must feel **so** much better now."

"Kat, we've _got_ to get that sand out of your vagina, it's making you cranky!" He said in mock concern. "Does it itch?"

"Come on, Fatboy," Kyle said reasonably.

"EY!"

"She has a point, this isn't going to change anything."

"[I think it can change the world,]" Kenny differed.

Kat frowned at him. "Really? You think this'll have the _slightest_ effect on the world? Look," she walked over to the door, "It's still the same old world out there!" She swung the door open and her face fell.

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "Kat?"

She blinked as frogs rained down from the sky, all of them croaking. "What the hell...?"

The boys hopped off the couch and gathered around. "Whoa, dude," Cartman said, "It's raining frogs."

"Oh, whatever," Kat shoved passed them to enjoy her pizza bites, ignoring the biblical signs.

* * *

The next day Ellen sat on the couch, biting her thumb nail as she watched the news. The news reporter said, [Last night the daring and bold show Cop Drama broke new ground by saying 'shit' on television! Making shit officially okay to say around the country. A recent poll shows that 24% of Americans think the show has pushed the envelope too far, while a whopping 76% say they don't really give a shit. In other news, a strange virus which causes victims to vomit up their intestines is making life shitty for a small farming community. Rick Watts has the story.]

The news changed to a reporter standing outside of the Jenkins farm. [Thanks, Tom! Shit is certainly going down here in the small town-] he then suddenly began vomiting his intentions violently before falling over dead.

It switched back to Tom, [Oh, shit!]

Ellen sighed with a frown. "Goddammit."

* * *

The bell rang signaling the start of class. Ms. Choksondik stood at the front of the room and said to them, "All right, children, in lieu of the common usage I'm supposed to clarify the school's position on the word 'shit'."

"Wow, we can say 'shit' in school now!?" Stan shouted.

"Oh, come on," Kat said annoyed, "this is ridiculous. Just because they say it on T.V. it's all right?"

Ms. Choksondik replied, "Yes, but only in the figurative noun form or the adjective form."

Cartman was confused. "Heh?"

"You can only use it in the non-literal sense," she clarified. "For instance:" she turned to the chalk board and wrote out sentences on it, "That's a shitty picture of me' is now fine. However the literal noun form of 'This is a picture of shit' is still naughty."

"I don't get it," Cartman said.

"Me neither," Stan added.

"The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example: 'The weather outside is shitty.' However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example: 'My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet bowl shitty, and I had to clean it with a rag which then also became shitty.' That's right out."

They kids glanced over to see Timmy struggle to speak, "S... Ss... Shit!" He grinned.

"Very good, Timmy," Ms. Choksondik praised.

Butters raised his hand, "Ah, Ms. Choksondik? Can we say it in the expletive? Like, 'Oh, shit!' or 'Shit on a shingle'?"

"Yes, that's now fine," she replied.

"Wow, this is gonna be great!" Cartman said happily. "A whole new word!"

"It's not new!" Kat shouted back angrily. "I'm gonna look 'shit' up and prove it!"

"Don't mind Kat, everyone," he said to the class, "she's just got a little sand in her vagina."

"THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!" She shouted and thrashed around, flames flickering out her mouth again. Stan and Kyle went wide eyed and leaned away, while Kenny next to her shouted and dove for it.

"Children!" Ms. Choksondik shouted, "Watch your language, shit!"

* * *

Ellen was walking down the street with a couple of bags for groceries, but was forced to stop as an elderly couple walked out of an antique store in front of her. "Well that store has some lovely shit," the grandmother said.

"Yeah," the old man replied, "too bad I don't have shit for cash right now."

Ellen glanced after them, but didn't think much and continued on. She then noticed Principal Victoria and Counselor Mackey standing together as she approached. "Ohh, looks like the weather might turn shitty," Victoria said.

"Oh, I don't really give a shit," Mackey replied. "I've done enough shit outside today and shit."

Ellen rolled her eyes as she continued on. "Does everyone have to use 'shit' excessively now?" She questioned herself.

"Shit, Peter, you look like shit." Ellen glanced over at a couple of men and stopped short in surprise, seeing Peter look sickly green with soared on his face.

"Oh, shit," he groaned, "I feel like shit. I think I-" Ellen gaped in shock as he violently vomited his intestines and dropped dead.

"Holy shit!" A woman exclaimed.

"Did you see that shit!?" Another questioned as a crowd gathered.

Officer Barbrady ran over to inspect the death. "What kind of shit is this?"

"Jesus Christ," Ellen murmured and briskly walked off.

"That is some weird shit."

"Susan, your shit is ready!"

"You know where this shit goes?"

"Shit if I know."

"Nice going, shit for brains!"

Ellen became panic and broke out into a sprint to hurry home. Meanwhile, with each curse word uttered an evil was leaked out in a dark mass, collecting into a black could in the sky above. As it grew, seven knights that were encased in stone on a mountain awoke. The rock surrounding them cracked and broke away, freeing them. They walked out of their cave and shone with a holy light, looking down from the mountain top at the massing evil below. Together they raised their swords and lightning streaked across the skies.

* * *

After school that day, Kat ran off the bus along with Kenny and Kyle to her house. Kyle wanted to be on her side, while Kenny was just curious as to what the fuck was going on. "Mom!" She banged open the door and the three of them nearly ran over Leonidas, making him hiss and leap out of the way.

Ellen looked up from the coffee table. She was sitting on the floor with the coffee table full of open books and notes. "Welcome home, sweetie. Hello, Kenny and Kyle."

"Hi, Ms. Schumer," the two boys greeted.

Kat eyed her mess and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Well..." Ellen sighed and glanced at the boys worriedly. "It's something to discuss... Later, Kat. How long will you boys be-"

"Kenny knows I can breathe fire, mom," Kat interrupted and Kyle stared at her wide eyed.

Ellen was wide eyed as well. "Wait- I thought Kenny was dead that day. Oh-!" She quickly covered her mouth and Kenny went wide eyed.

"[Wait- you fucking know!?]"

Kat was surprised. "How did you- I'm really confused now."

Kyle was looking at all of them bizarrely. "What is going on right now!?"

"Nothing," the three of them replied, leaving him flabbergasted.

Ellen sighed, "A conversation for another day." She turned to face them and asked, "Boys, are you capable of keeping a secret?"

"Well, yeah," Kyle replied.

"I can't give much details," she said, "But Kat can breathe fire."

"Yeah, I figured," he replied.

"... Right," she turned back to her research and added, "She came to have powers because... Of my job. I'm part of the M.I.B: the Men In Black."

"[Aren't you a woman, though?]" Kenny asked.

Kat shot him an annoyed look. "Stupid questions and you get neutralized." He hunkered down a little.

"The Men In Black deal with the supernatural," Ellen continued. "And right now, I'm doing some research to see why the plague has risen in town. And I believe it has to do with the recent change in saying the word 'shit'."

"Wait, seriously?" Kyle questioned.

Kat furrowed her brows in worry. "But, mom, aren't you not allowed to do any M.I.B. business? Won't you get in trouble?"

Ellen sighed and turned to them again. "That's right, but I can't just sit here and do nothing while a plague takes over the town I live in."

"Maybe we can help," Kyle suggested and he stepped forward. "We've dealt with some weird shit before. What have you found so far?"

"Well, I'm not sure how you can help, but so far," she pulled a book towards her. "I found out that the word 'shit' started in the 1340's, the same time as the Black Death."

"Pause!" Kat suddenly shouted and they all turned to her. "Give us a minute, we'll be back." She then dragged the two boys out of the house.

* * *

Stan hung out with Cartman in front of the Shit Shop, Cartman wearing an HBC Shit Shirt and eating a fudge-sickle. Mr. Garrison skipped by them singing to himself, "Shitty shitty, fag fag, shitty shitty, fag fag, ba doop a doop doo!"

"This sucks!" Stan complained. "Now that shit's out it isn't fun to say it anymore."

"Yeah, they've taken all the fun out of 'shit'," Cartman agreed. "We're gonna have to start saying other bad words, like dick and ass and Meecrob."

Stan furrowed his brows up. "What's 'Meecrob'?"

"You know, that stuff you get as an appetizer at Thai food restaurants. Meecrob is way grosser than shit, dude. I'd scarf down a whole wet bucket of shit before I ate another plate of meecrob." Stan gave him a disgusted look.

"You guys! You guys!" They looked over to see Kat run up followed by Kyle and Kenny. "I talked to my mom and she looked up the word 'shit'. She thinks it might have something to do with people dying."

"What?" Stan questioned.

"Haven't you noticed everyone getting sick? It all started when they said 'shit' on television."

"Oh, Kat," Cartman waved her off unconcerned. "You are so full of meecrob."

She glared at him. "I am not full of mee- what?" She stared at him for a moment before continuing on, "Look, the work 'shit' first showed up in English in the 1340's, the same time as something called the 'black death'."

"What's that?" Stan asked.

"Kat, do you _still_ have sand in your vagina about us not going to Lion King with you?" Cartman questioned exasperated. "I mean, shit, dude, let it go."

She glared back at him. "Bitch, there isn't any sand and I'll have you know I wasn't even going to invite you! I only had four tickets and couldn't buy an extra two for your fat ass!"

"EY!"

"Guys!" Kyle ran between them and focused the conversation, "Look, it might be coincidence, but we better go ask someone. Come on!"

* * *

Chef was in the cafeteria preparing some lunch while singing a song, "Baby, you are so fine~ and shit! The shit you do the shit you say- _I'll jump on your shit__ any day~!" _He then noticed the five kids walk in. "Oh, hello, there, children."

"Hey, Chef," they greeted.

Kyle asked, "Chef, do you know where shit comes from?"

"Uh," he shrugged, "from your ass, children."

Kat quickly waved her hands and corrected, "No, no, no, the **word** shit."

"Ohh..."

Cartman pointed at Kat and said, "Detective Sandy vagina here thinks that 'shit' might have something to do with everyone getting sick."

She glared back at him, "First, fuck you, second, my mom did the research! 'Shit' started the exact same time as something called the 'black death'."

"The 'black death'?" Chef questioned. "Are you sure?"

Stan asked, "What's the 'black death', Chef?"

"Latoya Jackson, children."

They all sounded in understanding, "Ohh."

"But I think back in those days it meant something else- the plague."

* * *

Chef took the five children to the South Park Library and they huddled around him as he opened a book on the table. "Let's see... It says here the word 'shit' has been around for over 600 years. It comes from the anglo-Saxon word 'scite'."

"Right," Kyle pointed at the page, "but in the 1340's people in England stopped calling it 'scite' and started calling it 'shit', the same year as the black plague."

The old man librarian rolled up a trolley of books to them. "This is the oldest book in the library," he held up the dusty old tome. "A priceless original of England's history. Just about everything you could want to know about the plague is in this great tome." He blew on it to rid the dust, but the whole thing dissolved in his hands. "... Oh, shit. Well, this other book has some good information, too." He handed them another book.

She frowned at him. Chef took the book and opened it up. "The Black Plague: over half of Europe was killed by it."

He looked through the pictures and Stan said, "Look, they're puking out their intestines, just like the people here."

"Look at this, children," they all leaned in, "it says the people of England believed the plague was a curse. 'A dark magic infliction brought on by a mass utterance of a word of curse."

"Word of curse?" Kyle questioned.

Kat rubbed her chin. "A... Curse word."

"Of course!" Chef exclaimed. "I've never even thought about why we use the term 'curse word' before."

"Because it brings a curse," Stan said, "like the black death."

"You guys! Look here!" Cartman waved them over to his own book that he was reading and they gathered around. "In this 'Nancy Drew' mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe. This _could_ explain how Kat got it in her vagina!"

Kat glared at him while Kyle shouted in her defense, "Cartman, this is serious!"

"So am I, Kyle," he replied direly, "If that sand in her vagina doesn't get released, she could become a walking time bomb." He then chuckled and Kat promptly punched him in the face, knocking him out of his chair and to the ground.

As he groaned the librarian approached them again. "If you don't mind, I'll have to close up now. They're going to say 'shit' seven times on HBC and-" he suddenly vomited his intestines violently onto the floor before keeling over dead.

Stan exclaimed, "Holy shit!"

Cartman got off the ground and looked over at the mess. "Oh-ho, gross!"

"Dude," Kyle said in alarm, "this plague is spreading like wildfire!"

Kenny then began coughing and they all leaned away from him. "Uh oh," Stan said.

Kenny then wasn't looking so good. "[Uh oh...]"

"Kenny's got it, heh, heh," Cartman smiled.

Kat slammed her fists on the table and glared in resolve. "We **gotta** do something. If we don't stop that network, 'shit' will become an even _more_ acceptable word."

"Children, we've got to warn those producers in Hollywood that the plague and 'shit' could be linked!"

* * *

Chef got the six of them on a plane to Hollywood. During the flight, the captain came on, "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. If you look to the right side of the aircraft, you can see some interesting shit. And over on the left side there's some interesting shit, too. We should be arriving in Los Angeles in about two hours. Until then, we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy our shitty service."

Kenny coughed and turned to Cartman, letting the spit fly onto his arm. "Goddammit, Kenny!" He angrily wiped his arm off. "Don't get your plague germs on me!"

"Cartman, stop being an asshole!" Kyle snapped back.

By the time they landed Kenny had turned green. They raced to the HBC building and barged into the meeting room. "Hang on a minute, Mr. Producer," Chef interrupted.

The table full of heads turned and the man at the end raised an eyebrow at them. "Who are you?"

"My name is Chef, and these are the children," he replied. "We've come to warn **you** about 'shit'."

"Oh, brother," he rolled his eyes, "another Christian protest group."

"Who wants to get this one?" A member asked.

"I'll get it." A blond man stood and came to them with a box of shit. "Gentlemen,"

Kat frowned. "Hey!"

"We appreciate your concern." He spoke quickly as he handed out HBC swag to them each. "HereatHBC, thegeneralgoalisprovidingthehighest, mostthought-provokingentertainment. Howgreatisitthatweliveinacountrywhereanartistcanexpresshimselffreely. That'snotonlytheAmericanspirit, it'stheHBCspirit. Whichallowsustomakegreatfamilyprogramming, likeHalotheTurtle. Andofcourse, everyone'sfavoriteshow, CopDrama. Wecan'tthankyouenoughforbringingyourconcernstoournetwork, foritisyou, theloyalHBCviewer, whomakesthisgreatnetwork. Andindeed, thegreatcountrythatitis." He finished by pulling out a toy gun and fired, making a pop that made them flinch and confetti flying out with a flag that said 'thank you'.

Kat frowned up at him before tossing the swag onto the ground and spitting an ember on it, letting it burn. The man only smiled and tossed the gun away, returning to his seat. The producer continued, "All right, now as I was saying-"

"Hey, hold on a minute!" Chef interrupted angrily.

"Are they still here?"

"Haven't you people noticed all the strange things going on?" He questioned.

Kat frowned and added, "We think that you might have caused it by helping make 'shit' an everyday word."

The table of HBC members stared at them. One murmured out unconvinced, "Right, right..."

"It's true!" Kyle said. "We think that word might be plaguing our friend Kenny.

"Do you have proof of this?" The producer asked.

The kids glanced at each other. Kat replied, "No."

He got up and yelled, "Then get out of here before we have you thrown out!"

Cartman asked, "But we _can_ keep the Halo the Turtle dolls, right?"

* * *

The six of them left back outside, leaving their swag behind to burn, except Cartman who took his doll. "Damn cracker-ass producers!" Chef back at the building.

"Now what are we gonna do, Chef?" Stan asked.

"I don't know, children. I guess we got to get the word out to people some other way."

"Aaahh!" A man's gruff yell got their attention. Standing in the middle of the road in front of them was a Scottish looking man with red hair and beard, wearing a glowing suit of knights armor and was holding up a sword.

He charged towards them and Stan exclaimed, "Oh shit!"

"Stand aside!" He commanded and they quite easily parted for him. He continued to charge into the building.

Kat blinked after him bizarrely. "... Was that a holy knight or some shit?"

They all looked up at the building in alarm at the sound of gunshots. The knight then crashed through the top window and fell to the sidewalk next to them. Cautiously they approached and Chef knelt to him, lifting his head up. "Who are you?"

"Take this..." He handed Stan an octagonal stone tablet with a gem in the center, covered in scribes.

"What are we supposed to do with it?" He asked, but the Scottish man keeled over dead.

"Now what?" Kyle asked as Chef stood back up.

"We've got to find people who know what the hell this is all about," he replied. "Children, we're gonna have to go to the land of castles, knights, and kings."

* * *

They arrived at Las Vegas and entered Excalibur, a medieval castle themed casino. "Lords and ladies, we bid you welcome," a man over the speakers said, "to the grandest casino in the land- Excalibur!"

Maneuvering through the crowds of people, they approached an Englishman dressed up like a jester with a crown. "Take a free spin," he was saying. "Double your odds."

"Excuse me," Chef approached, "do you work here?"

He smiled and replied, "How can I help you, noble sir?"

Kyle replied, "We need some help identifying an ancient English stone."

"A what?"

"It might hold the key to a curse," Stan added.

"Uh... I can help get you some credit or a comp meal perhaps."

Kat replied, "Dude, we need help from the British."

The man chuckled a little, "Look, kid, this is just a casino. I can't help you. You know, not every British person knows about wizards and dragons and curses."

"We just need help identifying this." Chef held up the tablet.

"A rune stone of Gaelic!" The man suddenly hunched over with one eye squinting and the other one overly wide. He spoke in a raspy voice, "Where did you get this?"

Kat furrowed her brows up. "You know what it is?"

"The skire once spoke of such a stone. Come, we must see the sorcerer!" The followed him to the sub levels of the casino down stone corridors linned with real torches.

He took one to guide them and they came upon a dressed up woman holding a tray of beverages. "Cocktails," she called out unenthusiastically. "Cocktails."

The spoke to her, "These Americans with to see the skire."

She then replied sounding British, "Let us make haste to the inner sanctum."

They continued on to an even more ancient looking stone corridor decorated with shields and weapons, covered in moss. The man questioned them, "How could you foolish Americans bring the wrath of scorn by mass chanting the word of wretchedness?"

Chef replied, "Uh, yeah, we didn't mean to."

"Didn't you realize 'shit' is a curse word?"

"Well, yeah," Kat replied, "but I don't think we knew that 'curse word' meant... Curse word."

"Ha! Leave it to Americans to think that no means yes, 'pissed' means angry, and 'curse word' means something other than a word that's cursed!"

They reached the inner sanctum, which was covered with statues and books and tapestries, and other medieval wizard things. An old man in purple robes and a staff approached them. "Let me see the stone," he said and Chef handed him the rune stone.

"But I don't get it," he said. "People use curse words all the time."

"Saying a word of curse once in a while does nothing," the hunched man replied. "It's only when spoken repeatedly an en masse that the curse takes place."

"I have seen this before." They looked back to the sorcerer to see him looking through a book. Stones that were used by the Knights of Standards and Practices."

They gathered around him to see the pictures of rune stones. Chef questioned, "Knights of Standards and Practices?"

"A legion of men sword to do whatever necessary to keep the words at bay. But they were just a myth. The Knights were formed to keep curse words to a minimum. Should a curse word ever be let out, they would return. A rune stone for each word of curse was made, representing each of the eight words that so offend God."

The kids leaned in and Stan said, "Look, there's the 'F' word."

"And Asshole," Kyle added.

"I knew it! Meecrob!" Cartman pointed it out excitedly. "Meecrob _is_ a curse word! God must hate it as much as I do!"

"Look at this," The sorcerer said. "The writing claims here that this stone can defeat the evil Geldan who will arise when the word of curse has been said enough times to give him power. Then all the world will be destroyed."

"All the world destroyed?" Kat questioned in alarm.

"My house, too?" Cartman questioned.

Chef then gasped, "Oh no!"

"What?"The sorcerer asked.

"Tonight is the night of a million shits on HBC! It's gonna be said over and over."

"Then we haven't much time. We must go."

* * *

They raced back to the HBC studio and burst into the live set. "Wait!" They shouted, and then stopped short to see a dragon breathing fire with the Knights of Standards and Practices fighting it on steeds, the audience and HBC crew screaming.

"Oh, boy!" Cartman said over the noise and pointed at Geldan, "that thing has really got sand in its vagina!"

Geldan, hearing him, turned and breathed fire towards them. "Oh, shit!" They shouted.

Kat jumped forward and breathed her own fire, fighting back the attack. "What in the world!?" Chef exclaimed, the others just as shocked.

After they stopped breathing fire, Kat turned back and said, "Bring the rune stone!" Kyle took the stone and ran forward with Stan. Kat clenched up her body and struggled for a moment, and then forced out fiery wings from her back and flew up.

She flew around and distracted Geldan, breathing fire and kicking him in the face. A knight galloped up to Kyle and said, "The rune stone! Face it towards Geldan!"

Kyle followed him forward and faced the rune stone towards the dragon. A light shone from the stone and forced Geldan back. Geldan then spoke in a very Cartman-like voice, "Ah, dude, lame. Lame!" The ground opened back up and he fell in, "Bummer dude."

The ground sealed back up and Geldan was defeated. "What a stupid voice," Cartman commented.

Kat flew back down to her friends and her wings disappeared. She, Kyle and Stan faced the audience, "It's okay. The curse has been lifted."

The audience was confused, but they relaxed and quieted down. Stan said, "Yeah, we all gotta make sure it doesn't come back."

"You see, we've learned something today." Kyle began his speech and the broadcasting cameras were focused on him, "Swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems. We're all saying the 's' word too much. The Knights of Standards and Practices were created to make sure that bad words were kept to a minimum. Curse words, they're called that because they _are_ cursed. We have to go back to only using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances."

"And besides," Stan added, "so much use of a dirty word takes away from its impact. We believe in free speech and all that, but leaving a few words taboo just adds to the fun of English."

"So, please, everyone," Kat said, "from now on, you've got to try and watch your language."

There was a scattered applause as they agreed. "We're sorry, noble Knights of Standard and Practices," the HBC producer said. The Knights and HBC board members approached each other. "From now on, we will obey your laws."

"See that you do."

Chef walked over to the kids, "I'm very proud of you, children. Let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to."

Kat furrowed her brows up in worry. "Why do I feel sudden concern about that."

"Yeah! And Kenny didn't die!" Stan said and gestured to Kenny, who was still green and covered in sores.

"[Yeah, I didn't-]" He then violently vomited his intestines out along with his spine and other organs.

"Holy sh-" Stan caught himself and corrected, "Poop."

Cartman smiled, "Ha, I love you guys."


End file.
